Protesting Against Late Night Writers
by happy ametuer
Summary: Things that justify sending complaints to fanfic writers and many other bloopers.
1. Writing a Complaint

Welcome to the world of Protesting Against Late Night Writers. It's a strange Tales of Symphonia universe where Yuan gets drunk, Anna is evil, Regal has fangirls chasing him all the time, crossovers are a typical thing, I the author interact a lot, Raine's cooking literally comes to life, and many other strange things.

Of course, most of my jokes have taste . . . albeit a strange and random taste. Don't say I didn't warn you, and enjoy! ^^

* * *

Lloyd sits at a desk scowling down at a sheet of paper. He concentrates on jotting down whatever it is that he's hastily writing down.

Sheena spots him and has to ask. "Hey, Lloyd. What's up?"

He answers gruffly, "You know how Kratos just hasn't been his usual self in battle, right?"

Sheena smirks. "Yeah. He was tripping all over the place, missing things, and nearly got himself killed on a few times. It'd be really hilarious if his life weren't a life-and-death situation then."

Lloyd nods but keeps at writing. "Yeah, I found out what was causing the problems. So I'm fixing it right now."

"I don't think scribbling a letter is going to do anything unless you're writing to a doctor," Sheena skeptically comments as she leans over his shoulder to read.

Lloyd ignores her as he finishes his letter.

Sheena has to ask. "Just what do you think is causing the problem, anyway?"

Lloyd snaps, "That stupid fanfic writer stayed up all night trying to write again!"

* * *

Even though I'm on my tenth cup of coffee now, I hear you, Lloyd. I hear you.


	2. Pokemon Crossover

People don't seem to catch this joke. So I'm going to tell you what I think is funny about it . . .

1. Raine didn't notice the GIANT FLAMING BIRD flying overhead despite the fact that she looked. The campsite should have gotten lighter at the very least.

2. Kratos has a reason to complain. Think of how bad-ass your pokemon party was once you finally got a legendary like lugia or mewtwo or your charmander is finally a charizard. Think of how much damage pokemon can do if a level 10 charmander can set you on fire with ember. I'd be worried too.

* * *

"Your night shift is over Kratos."

Kratos looks up to Raine Sage. The bags under his eyes look full and heavy.

He yawns, "Thaaank you, Raine. I was starting to drift o--Damn it."

Raine raises her eyebrow in confusion. "What is it, Kratos?"

Kratos responds, "We need to send in a complaint to those fanfic writers again. Someone did a crossover between Tales of Symphonia and Pokemon."

"Really?" Raine searches the area. "How could you tell?"

"Because I saw a Moltres flying overhead. I'm surprised you didn't notice it."


	3. Unfair Fishing

Zelos. Nuff said.

Yes, I do think Zelos will fish once he gets past all the "I-gotta-look-great" crap. As a matter of fact, I think all the playable male characters fish (Kratos very much included). No, it's not a stereotype, it's just that I can easily imagine them fishing.

* * *

"Ah! I got another big one again!"

Lloyd grinds his teeth. How does Zelos do it? He watches as the Chosen displays his huge fish next to his face for the world (but especially Lloyd) to see. How could he get all the big fish at a rate of ten seconds while Lloyd himself gets . . .

Nothing.

As they watch poor Lloyd storm away, Regal asks Zelos, "It seems rather particular that you would catch so many fish of such a size while Lloyd catches nothing. How did that happen?"

Zelos grins and replies, "Oh, I've got a few fanfic writer hunnies, too. I just sent up a request to them, that's all."


	4. Turned Fishing Tables

People tend to underestimate Lloyd due to the fact that he really is an idiot. Just for the record, I have met people who are dumber than Lloyd. No, those people aren't legally retarded.

* * *

Fishing again, only this time Lloyd has the upper hand.

"Hey, look, Zelos! I've got another fish! It's huge!" Then he smugly notices Zelos' empty pile. "Oh. I'm sorry, Zelos. I thought I'd show you all the neat woppers I caught, but I guess that isn't right when you caught absolutely nothing." He doesn't even hide his amusement.

Zelos snaps, "Shut up, Lloyd."

Lloyd just grins. "Hey, don't think I can't send up requests to fanfic writers."


	5. Sweet and Flowery Nightmare

This one was a pain in my ass---and I'll say that over and over.

First it was bold and underlined when I didn't do that to it. Then it was just bold. I used Microsoft Works Word Processor cause one of the computers don't have Microsoft Word and that did some weird things when I transferred. Now it's normal . . .

Anyway, this goes to show that I don't think Anna was sweet and flowery contrary to popular belief. Why would Kratos hang around if she was?

* * *

"GYAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

Kratos jumps out of his bed and turns back to it to Anna. She nearly sobs uncontrollably and her breathing is in hysterics.

"What happen, Anna?!" he cries.

Anna stammers, "I-I-I d-d-dreamed . . ."

Relief washes over him. She isn't hurt. Anything that could cause his tough-as-nails wife to scream in terror had to be worse than the Asgard human ranch. At least it was only a nightmare.

He holds his terrified wife close to comfort her and asks, "What scared you about your dream?"

"I-I dreamed that I was going through a normal day with you, but . . ." She gulps. ". . . but I was different. I was . . . I was . . ."

Kratos didn't know what to expect. He feels a mix of interest and exasperation. "Yes?" he prompts, with a touch of impatience that he hopes she doesn't hear.

"I was _sweet_ and _flowery_!"


	6. Don't Say the M Word!

I'll give you a nice hint: "WHO'S THE SUPER SMALL SPECK!!!" and blah, blah, blah, blah . . .

* * *

Zelos and Sheena (to his delight and her despair) stroll down Meltokio shopping for supplies. A strange guy who looks just a little younger than Colette walks on by with a giant man in armor clinking behind him. The armored man wasn't so weird to Zelos (if the armor didn't seem foreign), but it was the kid that had him staring.

He tugs on Sheena's arm. "Hey, Sheena. Did you see those two?"

Sheena apathetically looks back. "Yeah, I saw them. So what?"

"That kid . . . the one with the blond hair tied in a braid . . . I think he has a metal arm." Zelos continues to gawk.

Sheena tries to pull him away. "So? What's the big deal with a metal arm?"

Zelos could've been nailed to his spot. "And did you see his hair? That lock in the front looks like an antenna!"

Sheena persists. "We've got things to do, stupid Chosen. Let's just go."

"And he's wearing platform boots and still manages to just beat Genis in height!" Zelos gawks at the guy who's still in hearing range. "That guy is a total midg----"

Smacking her hand to his mouth, Sheena silences the idiot. The blond guy turns his head halfway back, giving them both a fierce warning glare. Then the man in the giant armor prompts him to move again.

When they were out of earshot, Sheena snaps, "Idiot! You never say any synonym to 'tiny' around Edward Elric! You're lucky he just gave us a warning instead of charging right at us!"


	7. Dimentional Mishap

I decided to have two "writers" mess with poor Mithos. Anyone would be disturbed. Be happy that fanfic writers don't rule _our_ world.

* * *

Mithos sits comfortably in a chair watching Tabatha cook curry. He could think about a lot of things to pass his time, but sitting and thinking nothing while watching daily life go by is sometimes nice as well. Sometimes thinking about the things he should be thinking about depress him so he does take his mental breaks.

Mithos smells the cooking and raises his hand while about to comment.

And his arm splits in half.

Hissing in shock, Mithos retreats his hand. It returns to it's whole self.

Tabatha heard him hiss and turns around asking, "MITHOS, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

Although still a little shaken, Mithos nods. "Yes. I'm fine."

Tabatha watches him with concern. Mithos waves at her dismissively. "Don't worry about me, Tabatha. I'm fine."

A little unconvinced, Tabatha unsurely replies, "IF YOU SAY SO, MITHOS." She turns back to her cooking.

It was so strange. He felt no pain when his arm went through . . . whatever it was. There was no mana, no spell, no nothing. It just . . . happened. Taking in a breath, Mithos sticks his arm out again.

This time it is clearer. His arm didn't split; did something close to mitosis and form two arms branching off of his.

Startled again, Mithos yanks his arm back . . . and tests the atmosphere again. Again his arm does it.

He tries it again, and it doesn't work.

Chills run up his spine. He says, "I'm going out. I need fresh air."

"DO NOT BE OUT TOO LONG."

______________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile . . .

"Wow! I had no idea that fanfics could do this sort of thing!"

"Dude, your sister is going to kill you if she finds you in here."

"I know, but this is too awesome!"

"Yeah! Hey, do it again when he goes back in."

"Yeah!"


	8. Designated Babysitter

This takes place during a hard part of Martel and Yuan's relationship. I imagine that Kratos and Yuan used to have pretty heated fights before Martel died.

* * *

Kratos enters the pub . . . and groans in frustration. So _that's_ where Yuan has been since he and Martel had that spat. The mercenary goes up to the man and sits down at the counter with him. As he lounges in the stool next to the half-elf, he examines Yuan even as he glares at the idiot condescendingly.

What was there to say? The dunce is a mess. Completely drunk and lost his edge and grace. He nurses a bottle of ale as he occasionally whimpers and growls.

"You," Kratos says, "are an idiot."

"Wha' are _yoo_ doi'g herrrre?" Yuan snips with his slurred tongue.

Kratos growls, "Originally I was planning to have an ale and get back to the inn. Now, however, I better remain sober if the group wants you getting back alive."

"Monshers aren't going to 'urt _me_," he growls, still not able to think clearly. "Isss _yoo_ tha' needs the babysi''ing . . ."

"Monsters won't hurt you, idiot," Kratos gripes. "It will be _me._ At your drunken rate, chances are that I'll end up killing you when you reach my last nerve."


	9. Late Night Writing Again

I type at my computer at 3:32 in the morning. My mug is completely empty and my sight is starting to blur. My fingers feel like they're going to fall off any second now but . . . but I have to continue. I'm almost done with this one chapter! I can't give up now!

My throat starts feeling extra sticky-dry and I grab my mug and stand up. I sway for a moment. When did I get two computers? I go into the bathroom and turn on the sink and start collecting water from that. Why risk going to the kitchen when you know that your parents often go for midnight snacks and can catch you up?

I walk out of the bathroom while sipping the sweet, revitalizing water and sit down at my computer. I frown. There is extra text on it that I didn't write.

_This is Lloyd. Get to sleep._

I don't know if this is a hallucination or not, but I better not risk it. Before saving and shutting down my computer, I sardonically type on my computer _Yes, sir. _Then I went to bed.


	10. Rant of a Fan

Guys, this is me ranting about the game. ToS2 is SUPER boring for a plot-loving fan like me. The reason why I like video games is because I like stories and plot and games made it more interactive.

When Namco made this sequel, they made a huge mistake. They weren't being loyal to their masterpiece at all. It really turned off a lot of my interest. Personally, I don't think this is what really happened in that fictional world.

I've needed to vent about this for a very long time . . .

* * *

I glare down at the game disk.

Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World is a complete joke.

As soon as it was revealed that (obviously to plot-knowers) Lloyd wasn't the one who did that Palmacosta Blood Purge but rather his _imposter_, the secret to the game's sale was bust. To put it simply, the game became boring . . . When I finally pushed myself to play the beginning of the Temple of Lightning dungeon I dropped the controller saying "This is boring." The only reason why most people buy the game is because it's a sequel and they want to know if Lloyd is responsible for that or not.

I already looked up all the information on wikipedia so I know it's just going to get more boring from that point for me.

I pick up the game and stuff it in my "sell-to-retail-store" box and huff at it.

"Calm down. It's just a game."

I snap, "Shut up, Lloyd! It's like a horrible fanfic published to the public and you know it!"

"I know," he says, "but that doesn't mean you should get all worked up about it. It's not like it's actually going to come to life."

"Thank goodness for _that_." The plot was too cheesy-bad and torturous-fanfic-ish to be true to the Tales world.


	11. Don't Do Drugs

A strange man lays rolling on the ground laughing. He kicks and struggles as if something were on him, but there isn't anything even ten feet close to him.

"AHAHAHAHAH!!! GET IT OFF ME!! IT'S TICKLING ME!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH . . ."

Lloyd, Colette, Genis, and Kratos watch with shocked expressions. Kratos turns to the kids with this somber face as he points to the hallucinating man.

"Watch this and remember," he says. "This is one of the reasons why you should never do drugs."

* * *

Seriously, guys. Don't do drugs. It will ruin you in both mind and body.


	12. Payback

Another example why fans should never be in control of the fics.

* * *

Zelos confidently strolls up to the mirror. A drop-dead gorgeous guy like him always needs to prepare himself for the dawning day when he rises out of bed.

Then he stops. Horror washes over him. Chills run up his spine. Blood drains out of his face. Shudders quiver his body.

Zelos screams.

Facing the fan with vengeful cheer, Genis says, "Good. That giant zit should keep him out of public for a while."

The fan sets down his note book for writing and hesitantly says, "You know he's going to kill us . . ."

"Who cares? This is payback for hitting on my sister." Genis then orders, "Now turn his hair an ugly purple after he uses his new shampoo."


	13. The Toss Game

"I'm going out shopping."

"Very well."

"Keep a close eye on Lloyd while I'm out, okay?"

"I'm not going to lose him, Anna. How could I lose sight of a baby, anyway?"

"He's smarter than he looks, Kratos. Just watch him."

Then his wife leaves. Kratos peers out the window watching her as she disappears toward the market. He closes the drapes and turns to his son. With a pleasant and playful smile on his face, Kratos lifts his son up to his eyes.

"Let's play the toss game, Lloyd," he says.

The baby squeals in delight.

Kratos just chuckles and tosses the infant lightly up in the air and catches him as the baby comes down.

His child laughs in his excitement.

He watches his child's thrill as he tosses the child up and catches him. Up and catches him. Up and catches him.

The infant cries in pure glee.

Kratos grins eye to eye and tosses the babe up again . . . only with a little more strength than he meant.

He nearly gasped when he hears a bonk as his baby's head meets the ceiling. Lloyd comes down with a cranky face almost as if the child will cry in any second.

"No no! Please no!" Kratos gawps as he feels his child's head for a bump, bruise, or anything that could mean injury. Nothing. He rocks his child with little jumping motions as he tries to keep the child from crying. Anna told him before not to play this game with Lloyd but he never thought that he'd actually hurt the baby . . .

The infant's face screws and twists until it goes back to his usual curious and observant expression. All he does is watch his distressed father.

Calmer now, Kratos just keeps still for a moment. Then he hurries to the window and checks to see if his wife returned. There is no way that he's going to give her this kind of ammunition.

Satisfied that all is well in the kingdom Kratos just holds his child. "There isn't any harm done, now is there? No reason to make a fuss. Let's play something that won't risk brain damage."

* * *

A little late now, isn't it Kratos? The damage is already done! lol!


	14. Zelos' Fan Girls

No commentary needed here. :P

* * *

Lloyd opens the closet to an unusual surprise.

"Huh?" Then he comes to. "Zelos, what the hell are you doing hiding in the closet?"

"Shut up, you idiot, or they'll find me!" The Chosen could barely be seen beyond the closet's recluse darkness.

"Who?"

Zelos snaps "Just shut the door and pretend you didn't see me!" He whips out and snatches the door and slams it closed.

Lloyd scratches his head. Then, blowing the whole issue off, he shrugs and walks away. Zelos will admit whatever's getting to him later when he's calmed down. Lloyd doubts that there's any real danger from the public now that the pope has been arrested. It's probably something stupid anyway.

"Excuse me."

Lloyd turns. His jaw drops. So _that's_ what Zelos has been running from!

The speaker for the insanely large group of fanfic and deviantArt fan girls asks, "Have you seen Zelos anywhere near here? We saw him running inside when he spotted us."

Lloyd closes his gawping mouth. He goes, "N-no. I just got here. Haven't seen him anywhere."

"Oh really?" She turns to the rest of the group. "Come on, girls! He'll come out eventually. We just have to be patient."

The girls moan and groan as the exit the building.

Moments after the last one left, Lloyd turns back to the direction he found Zelos muttering, "I'd better help him. He's not going to escape without some help."


	15. To Have the Most Fans

"Man! I hate it when those crazy fanfic chicks find me!" Zelos carps. "They're always the weirdest of the bunch!"

Sheena comments, "Actually, I think it's the deviantArt fans that scare me the most. I can ignore a bunch of writing but pictures are a little harder to avoid."

"Indeed," Regal agrees. "Once you see an unwanted image it's hard to get it out of your head."

Zelos declares, "For once I actually am _glad_ that I don't have the biggest fan base!"

Sheena jumps from shock. "_Whoa!_ Did he just say what I think he just said?!"

Regal is just as stunned. "He did. Zelos just said he isn't interested in having the most fans."

Zelos sneers, "Ha-ha. Very funny. Truth is that having the biggest fan base on Earth would be my worst nightmare. Just look at Kratos!"

On cue, fan girls squeal, "Kratos! We must rape you!"

They hear the mercenary scream, "_GET AWAY FROM ME!!!_"

"Gotcha!" Fan girls shriek in delight.

"_NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!_"

Zelos says, "See what I mean?"

* * *

You fan girls know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.


	16. Blocking Sasuke's Escape

Here's a treat for you Naruto fans, especially those of you that are avid Sasuke-hunters. ^^

* * *

Kratos slams the door behind him. He hastily fastens every lock on the door as if his life depended on it.

The fan girl screams muffle into silence.

Kratos sighs the sigh of the weary relieved. He turns around and leans against the door.

Then he sees that he has company.

Unalarmed, Kratos examines them. They are three ninjas of very unusual kind. The tallest has sickly pale skin and long black hair and a snake-like face that examined him with just curiosity. The next has white-silver short hair with just a face filled with aggravated irritation. The shortest one, a child with short black hair, gawps at him with a mix of horror, shock, and hate.

"That was my escape . . ." the youth gasps.

The irritated ninja simply states, "We'll find another exit, Sasuke-kun."

The youth didn't seem to hear him. "I've been holed up here for six months because of those damn fan girls. This was the only escape that I could find in these six months." He swallows in air. "After six months, I thought I would finally be free from these fan girls . . . and here you barge in . . . _blocking my ONLY ESCAPE!!!_"


	17. He Can't Fly Away Now!

Sheena searches high and low through her scouting. Then she spots something rather . . . unusal? Would that be a good word to describe Kratos cowering at the top of a tall tree?

"Girls! I've got his Exsphere! I got it off him! He can't fly away now!"

Fan girls scream and squeal. Sheena sighs as she watches Kratos tremble in his fear.

"How did Anna ever manage those fan girls?" she wonders as she watches the fan girls scramble up the tree.


	18. Not Again!

This is based off a true story that happened just today. Only I made it worse. I actually _did_ save! ^^

This is truly a computer-using writer's worst nightmare.

* * *

I type for the eleventh chapter for my Anna/Kratos romance fanfic Through the Brother's Eyes. I haven't saved yet.

Suddenly, I gasp. My eyes bug out. Chills run down my spine. Not again. Not again!

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOT AGAIN!!"

Genis jumps in astonishment. "What the—?! What happened?"

Presea guesses, "Maybe the power cord for her old laptop went out again."


	19. Puberty Power

This is exactly how it went in my head. I was playing the game and suddenly it hit me just like in this skit. lmao!!

* * *

I sit there playing on the Wii game Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World. Emil goes through dialogue possessed by Ratatosk again. It strikes me as kinda funny.

What isn't funny? He's a scrawny kid who's too innocent and honest for his own good who could never hurt a fly. Then, all of a sudden, when he gets into battle he turns into this great and powerful warrior with a deep voice and has vast strength.

Magical steroids . . . sudden deeper voice . . . automatically bad ass . . .

"Phht!" I start laughing. "Ahahahahah! Puberty Power!"


	20. Finish What You Started

I got this idea daydreaming about making a self-insert (since they're so popular and I think they'll be fun to write), but a little voice in my head kept saying "no, it's lame, put more practice into it" or "you didn't even go far in the other fics."

By the way, I can easily picture Anna being able to subtly scare people when the need and chance arises. If Kvar complains about her with that intensity of hate being referenced in the game then I'm sure Anna has the ability to scare and overpower people. She must've given the Desian leader a VERY hard time. (heheheh . . . good for her!)

The joke in this one is kind of subtle, I think.

* * *

I sit in my room staring at my computer when all of a sudden . . .

"I know!" I go. "I'll post that self-insert fanfic I've got for Tales of Symphonia! Yeah . . . It's not lame anymore either."

I originally wrote it like a typical fanfic—start at Iselia and go through the journey—but it got to a point where every time I read it until I get to Palmacosta the fic would be lame. Then I decided that I would write it as if the OC were like all the other characters; after all, only three are part of your party at the _very_ beginning right at the moment you can play. So far it's only written for my entertainment pleasure, but if I started to polish it . . .

"Yeah . . ." I imagine the story. "I could write this. This'll be tough, but fun. The psychological mayhem for the self-insert due to being sucked into a video game with no way back home, going through the journey in a realistic point of view, the in-depth and elaborate characterization necessary to make the entire group believable and lovable. Yeah . . ."

I pull up Microsoft Word. "I could do it right now!"

"Why don't you finish that romance fanfic that you have posted right now."

Anna leans over me, cocooning and enveloping me with her willful presence.

"After all," she adds, "you didn't even reach the point where Kratos and I kiss yet."

I nervously chuckle. "Heh. Heh-heh-heh. Heheheheh . . . Of course."

I exit out of Microsoft Word and pull up another file with critical supervision hovering over me.


	21. Speedo Swim Suit

This is unusually long for this fic series . . .

Third Anna appearance! This time I'm breaking the rules and having her interact with ToS characters. All of you fluffy-Anna fans must remember that I do not believe in fluffy-Anna (see "Sweet and Flowery" and "Finish What You Started" chapters). So I'm going to deduct a lot of the innocence that you might assume she had (because a loud population of the fans like to compare Anna and Colette).

As a reminder, this fic is rated T for Teen for a reason. That means that I don't have to worry about tiptoeing around because little kids might look at this (like Stephanie Meyer had to do when she discovered Twilight, a teen series, is being read by twelve and ten-year-olds). I like using inappropriate humor when they're in my comfort zone to tell them as well as the bizaare and weird humor that you have noticed (if you haven't noticed by now then you're too blind to read).

This was inspired by Zelos' speedo swim suit and the fact that they are very awkward to look at and that Kratos doesn't have a suit outfit for the beach sidequest.

* * *

"Swimming! Swimming! Swimming!" Lloyd, Zelos, and Genis chant as they head for their rooms to change. A little prematurely excited, aren't they?

Anna strides by her husband. "So you really are going swimming with the boys." It's a bit of a surprise for her. Kratos isn't normally this sociable . . . unless he was forced by her.

He corrects, "I won't go swimming. I'm merely chaperoning." Although he has no concerns for Lloyd and Genis he has his worries about the young ladies at the beach with infamous Zelos there.

Anna moans, "Ooooh. I was _so_ looking forward to seeing you in a swim suit."

"Humph."

Hearing incorrectly, Lloyd, Zelos, and Genis twirl around and join the conversation.

"You really _are_ swimming, Dad?" Lloyd chirps.

Kratos frowns. "No, I'm—"

Genis questions, "Do you even have a swim suit?"

"No I don't, but—"

Zelos adds in, "Well, when you choose a suit make sure you get something that looks good on you. For example, speedos do not fit everyone."

Genis adds in, "Like you're one to talk."

"I heard that, you little twerp."

As the two glare, Lloyd cringes. "Ugh! I do _not_ want to see Dad in a speedo!"

Kratos didn't know to agree or just ignore that.

"Ooooo . . ."

Kratos almost sighs. There she goes . . .

Anna snakes her arms around his chest and slowly barely hooks one leg around one of his own.

"_I_ would like to see him in a speedo," she says with a temptress' voice.

The three boys cringe, their faces a furious red.

"That's not something I want to see!"

"In front of a kid my age?!"

"Even I have a limit on that kind of thing!"

Anna wraps herself closer to her husband and scolds, "If you don't want to see then _scat_!"

They do, leaving behind a fine trail of dust in their wake.

Anna gets off her husband and starts chortling.

Kratos pulls her back and states, "Actions do have their consequences." The predatory gleam in his eye could not be mistaken.

Anna mirrors that expression and says, "Then I just have to suffer the consequences. However . . ."

Kratos frowns. There always is a catch with this woman.

"You're going to have to buy an appropriate swim suit and swim at the beach."

* * *

Awkward, isn't it, readers? Don't say I never warned you.


	22. The Book With Zelos In It

I swear up and down this is based off a true story! This happened exactly like I tell it!

By the way, there's a paragraph that you just have to drill through. It's the one that covers what romance novels basically do (in a nutshell). It just builds up the initial joke.

Also, as you may notice, I read authors like Julia Quinn and Jane Austine, so I'm familiar with the romances that involve English nobility. My description below does none of them justice.

* * *

At the Super Target, I skipped out at going with my family inside the store. I couldn't stay home due to the fact that they dragged me along, but I could still stay in the car!

I unbuckle my seat belt and lie down and doze.

Basically, I got bored of dozing after a bit.

I roll over to the side and skim through the pile of Mom's books at the foot of the car seat. I pick a romance and flip through it. Apparently it's one of those three-stories-in-one books. I flip to the middle one and start reading.

It's a story about a nineteenth century English gentry couple who fall in love and all that jazz. As I read along, however, I get addicted. I _need_ to find out what happens next! A new character comes in around the end of the beginning. This one is a good friend of the male hero of the story, an infamous rake, and a powerful lord in the peerage.

For some reason, it was Zelos Wilder.

_Okay, this has got to be a dream_, I think to myself. The other characters aren't there and this is_ England_ and not Meltokio so it's as if Zelos is just another character in the short story.

As per a good romance plot, the couple gets into external and internal plot troubles. They handle the external plot well, but the internal plot is hell for them. Zelos, the loyal friend of the hero, comes and saves the day by providing that one thing they need to get back together. Together, the hero and heroine work out their differences and, as any happy-ending romance would end, happily ever after. One of the last paragraphs honors the friend for helping them.

Because I'm a growing teen who hasn't read much romance, and is a sucker for flowery endings, I think, _Aww . . . That's so sweet._

But I'm tired. I set the book downdoze for a bit again and try to find the book, wanting to skim over my favorite parts. I don't find it. I still don't find it. Now I really can't find it. It's not there! The book was just there!

Then I wake up in the Super Target parking lot in the family car.

I groan and carp, "I've been playing that game too much . . ."


	23. Cosplay

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH . . . !"

"Shut up, Yuan . . ."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH . . . !"

"I said shut up! It's not funny!"

Yuan laughs uncontrollably at Kratos, leaning against the wall for support.

"Lloyd dressed up as Luke Skywalker and forced you into a Vader outfit!" he laughs. "What isn't funny about it?"

* * *

Every one of you thought about this at some point or the other. I'll even bet that a few of you thought of the Darth Vader theme while Lloyd found out Kratos is his dad. ;)


	24. Crossing

Lloyd, Genis, and Zelos walk around the outskirts of Ozette helping Presea do some rebuilding for the repopulating village. Monsters didn't really bother them much, but there was that new shadowy monster that has them kinda worried . . .

Suddenly, out of nowhere, three figures dart past them in pursuit of some of those new monsters. They stare in surprise.

"Was one of them a giant duck with clothes?" Genis asks almost not knowing what to really say.

"What was that . . . dog, uh . . . with the weird green hat?" Zelos is almost lost for words too.

"What's with that key-shaped sword?" Lloyd wonders aloud.

They just continue walking trying to forget their strange experience.

* * *

I'm pretty sure lots of extras in Kingdom Hearts one and two had an experience a lot like this.

Wow! About 1900 hits in total for this! That's amazing for a rookie fanfic writer like me!

Thanks for reading!


	25. Regal's Fan Girls

This is for fan girls like Regal Bryant Lover, who I am positive is at the front of the hoard of fans chasing him.

* * *

His fine pink and white clothes tattered endlessly and his hair a mess, Zelos curses, "I_ hate_ those fan girls! I hate them! I hate them!"

Raine returns with a new set of clothes for Zelos as Regal tends to the last of the shallow wounds on Zelos. "We need to find a way of repelling those Earth fan girls. Meltokio's native fan girls are more than enough."

Regal says, "A disguise other than that mask we used to evade Meltokio's fans will probably work to an extent."

Zelos narrows his eyes and questions, "Why isn't Regal suffering as much as I am? I know tons of women who like the super-buff kind of guys, but I don't see any fan girls chasing after you."

Regal answers, "Most of my own fan girls live in Altimira. I consider it very fortunate that I don't have an endless parade of fan girls from Earth chasing after me."

"Ah! It's Regal! There he is!" Screaming and squealing echo to them.

Regal whips around and flees in dread. "I spoke too soon!"

A rush of fan girls from deviantArt and zoom passed Zelos and Raine in hot pursuit of Regal, completely ignoring the fact that Zelos even exists.

Zelos notes, "Well, what do you know? He really does have fan girls."


	26. Another Side to Cat Fights

"_He's mine, slut!_"

"_Shut up! I'm not the one stalking him, you whore!_"

"_I'm not the one sleeping with him!_"

"_That's because I'm MARRIED to him, idiot!_"

"OW! ACK! OWCH! I'M GOING! LEAVE ME ALONE! EEEEK!!!!"

"_That's right!! You run, hag!! Run!!_"

Kratos turns to a shocked Yuan and says, "Anna tore that fan girl to shreds. I believe she won. Oh, and you owe me one thousand gald."

* * *

I'm sure some boys have done this. Not all, but definately some.


	27. CPR

Kratos dives into the water. Everyone watches with deep concern and fear during the intense silence. Then, almost miraculously, the mercenary breaks free of the ocean line and drags the red swordsman out onto the Thonda Dock beach. He checks Lloyd's vital signs and inaudibly cusses to himself.

"Lloyd isn't breathing," he gravely states.

"We need to do CPR!" Colette exclaims.

Genis turns to his sister. "Raine! Do you know how to do CPR?"

Raine is found deathly pale. "No. I never got the chance to learn CPR and I never found books of how to do it properly."

Kratos stares down at the frightening still Lloyd as they discovered that their healer could not do CPR. He resigns himself to his fate, and says, ". . . I know how to do CPR."

"What?!" Colette and Genis cry out.

"Then do it before Lloyd dies!" Raine demands.

Kratos takes a breath, bracing himself and for the necessary breath, and breathes air down the boy's throat. Lloyd's chest rises and falls, but he doesn't revive.

The mercenary tries again. Again, the unconscious boy's chest rises and falls but doesn't revive.

Again, and rises and falls. Nothing.

Rises and falls. Nothing.

Nothing.

Kratos shudders for only a moment. He lost Anna for all time and lost Lloyd once. He couldn't lose his son again! He lowers himself back down to the boy and breathes air down Lloyd's throat. The air fills his lungs and rises them and—

"Ack! Kough! Kuaah!"

Lloyd rolls over and spills the sea water in his lungs out into the sand in violent coughing fits that lasts forever. When he is finally done, he collapses and pants as he rests on the beach.

"What . . . hap . . . pened . . . ?" he asks between gasps.

Colette explains, "Your washtub flipped over and you nearly drowned. Kratos got you out but you weren't breathing. So we needed to do CPR."

"Oh . . . Who . . . did . . . CPR?" Lloyd wonders, expecting the answer to be Raine or Colette.

"Kratos did."

"Huh?" Lloyd's body becomes overly tense.

Colette says, "He was the only one who knew how to."

Lloyd meets Kratos' eyes. "Did he really?"

The mercenary only confirms, ". . . Yes, I did."

A pause.

"POISON! MY MOUTH IS POISONED! WHERE'S THE SOAP?!"

Kratos snarls, "_I didn't enjoy it myself, brat!_"

* * *

"CPR? I can't even spell that! He's going to die!" (rat from dr. doolittle.)

Never trust those washtubs. Never.


	28. She's Crazy!

I had this idea in my head for a loooong time. This is a three-parter.

* * *

"You're not making me go in there!"

"Stop it, Lloyd! You're acting like a two-year-old! And I should know! I raised you until you were three!"

"Dad! You don't get it! She's insane!"

"Oh _now_ you call me 'Dad'? Too bad for you! You're going in there!"

"You don't get it! She really is bat-shit crazy!"

"You are just doing her a simple favor! A short interview! That's all now no more complaining!"

Kratos shoves the panicking teen into the room, slams the door, and locks the only means of escape. Lloyd turns around and shivers.

I, sitting in a chair, wave to the chair next to me. "Sit down, Lloyd."

Lloyd gulps. He walks over to me and sits down on the farthest edge of the chair he can.

"Now, Lloyd," I say while I pull out an object out of my large bag and show it to him. "Let's say this rubber chicken randomly came to life and talked to you. What would it say? What would you do?"

And so the torture ensues.


	29. Rude Awakening

"_Now, Lloyd," I say while I pull out an object out of my large bag and show it to him. "Let's say this rubber chicken randomly came to life and talked to you. What would it say? What would you do?"_

_And so the torture ensues._

"GYAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"

Lloyd thrusts up in sitting position in his bed roll. He pants. It was only a dream? It seemed so real! His breathing calms back down to normal as he settles. Then he looks around.

I sit next to him with concern on my face. "Lloyd? Are you—?"

"GYAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"

I sit there stunned as I watch Lloyd flee in the opposite direction.


	30. Now That He Mentioned It

"And that's . . . pretty much it." Lloyd continues to stare down at the ground, still standing on the very same spot I cornered him at.

I glare at him for a while. "Let me get this straight," I say after forever, "you dreamed that Kratos shoved you into a room with me in it and I pulled out a rubber chicken and started to interrogate you about the most random things."

He nods, still not meeting my eyes. "Uh-huh . . ."

I give him a look. "Just get to bed, Lloyd. I'll calm down after a bit of steaming."

He flees.

I watch him go and release a breath. A pause, and then I get an idea.

"You know what," I say, "now that he mentioned it I might as well do it. Now where's my dad's old rubber chicken?"

* * *

That's the end of it.

Oh! And I got my dad's old rubber chicken out of an old toy box with toys he used to play with me and my sister.


	31. Milestone Thank You

This is a way of telling everyone who read or reads my fan fictions thank you. Because of every one of you the numbers below have reached their height.

No writer is anything without their readers.

* * *

I sit at my computer awing at my story stats. A Sting to His Pride has 116 hits . . . Another Side of Insane has 92 . . . Dream for a Heart has 44 . . . Idiot with a Magnifying Glass has 124 . . . Jealousy Letter has 96 . . . Through the Brother's Eyes has 245 . . . and Protesting Against Late Night Writers has 2,554.

I wish there was some way I could thank everyone who read my fics.

I watch the screen while I munch on one of those soft vanilla cookies with the icing on top. I lean back in my chair still unable to believe that people would be interested in what could basically be called tormenting and harassing fictional video game characters.

"Wow . . ." I still can't believe it. "This is so incredible . . . 2,554 hits on just one! I've really got to continue! That spoof fic is a real hit!"

"We don't think so."

"EEEP!!" I feel vengeful hands snatch me from behind.

* * *

I dropped my cookie . . . T.T


	32. Banana Phone!

This is based off that video with the three stick figures that I think I found on YouTube a long time ago. It was so hysterical that I couldn't resist making my own variation. Just . . . without all the F-Bombs.

It's long, but it's so worth it.

* * *

Mithos sits in his room reading a book out of the simple reason of boredom. Kratos and Yuan are sitting around in the other room trying to figure out how to get out of the same condition while Martel is out shopping and will be busy for the rest of the day. Frankly, he's getting bored of his book too.

_Boo-ba-doo-ba-doop!_

_Boo-ba-doo-ba-doop!_

"Huh?"

_Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone!_

"What the hell?" he goes.

_Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone!_

Mithos carps, "What's with that annoying song?"

_I've got this feeling, so appealing,_

_For us to get together and sing. Sing!_

Mithos suspects Yuan and Kratos. Why? Because they might go to any lengths just to frustrate him and appease their boredom. At the same time. He determinedly marches to them.

_Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone!_

Yuan and Kratos sit on chairs staring at a chess board. Mithos stops before them and gives them both looks.

_Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding donana phone!_

"What is it, Mithos?" Kratos asks without looking off the board.

_It grows in bunches, I've got my hunches,_

_It's the best! Beats the rest!_

Mithos says, "That's enough, guys. Turn it off."

_Cellular. Modular. Interactivodular!_

Yuan turns to Mithos and looks at him as if he's crazy, damn him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

_Ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone!_

Mithos nearly growls, "That annoying song! Turn it off!"

_Boop-boo-ba-doo-ba-doop!_

"What song?" Kratos snaps. "I don't hear a song!"

_Ping pong ping pong ping pong ping panama phone!_

"Don't play dumb with me!" Mithos shouts. "Turn that damn song off!"

_It's no baloney, it ain't a p(h)ony!_

_My cellular bananular phone!_

Yuan snips, "Just go back to your room and sleep. Martel will check your head when she gets here."

"_Fine!_" Mithos snarls. "_Be that way!_" And he storms off to another part of the room to watch them. He doesn't trust them in the least!

When the chess game starts to get hotter and evening starts to color the sky, Mithos sits in a corner of the room completely silent.

Yuan and Kratos turn to their suspiciously quiet companion. Yuan wonders, "Do you think he's calmed down, or at least turned back to normal?"

There is a pause. Mithos just sits there. Then he collapses into a heap. The two stare in shock and, after some short time, realize that blood is leaking out of his ears.

"_MITHOS!!_" the pair cries out.

They rush to Mithos' side. Yuan kneels down and lifts the blond head and inspects him for life.

"He's dead," Yuan mutters. "What are we going to tell Martel?"

Kratos gawps. "How could this happen?!"

There is a moment of silence as they contemplate their mysteries.

_Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone!_

Yuan goes, "What the hell?"

Kratos turns to Yuan in confusion.

_Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone!_

"What's that song?" Yuan asks.

"What song?" Kratos questions warily. He's starting to see a pattern.

_I've got this feeling, so appealing,_

_For us to get together and sing. Sing!_

Yuan shouts in confusion. "What are you talking about?! It's clear as day!"

Kratos shouts back, "Well, obviously I can't hear it! Maybe you're just as crazy as Mithos!"

Yuan snatches Kratos' collar. "Don't give me that! I know you know something!"

"How the hell would I know anything?!"

_Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone!_


	33. Baking Cookies

Anna waits patiently as her cookies cool. She hears the kitchen door open and she turns to greet whoever it is.

"Hi, Lloyd!" She ignores her husband who has the three-year-old perched on his shoulders.

"Hi, Mommy!" her little boy chirps.

Kratos says, "We smelled the cooking and decided to investigate." He glances at the baked goods. "This is rather unusual."

Anna just shrugs. "I decided to try something new. Want one?"

Kratos is instantly suspicious. They had a rather nasty spat the previous night, and Anna _has_ sabotaged his food before. He opens his mouth to deny and says—

"Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes!" Lloyd cheers. "Gimme one! Please!"

Anna laughs. "Of course, baby!"

She grabs one without looking and hands it to the toddler. Kratos eases, but just a little. She would never drag Lloyd into his parents' wars but she may have done something to the other treats.

Anna takes a few other cookies at random and munches on a couple as she shares the rest with Lloyd. Kratos' fears are dispersed.

He smiles and comments, "I may as well have one."

Anna smiles back and hands him one she grabbed without looking. "Here you go."

Kratos takes it and sets Lloyd down on the floor knowing the boy would want more of his mother's creations. He eats the cookie as he leaves.

Anna smirks as she picks her son up and holds him. She sets three cookies in seemingly random spots aside and shares the rest with Lloyd.

The child points to the three special cookies and says, "Can I have one of those?"

Anna answers, "No, Lloyd. Those are Daddy's cookies."

"Why?" he asks.

Anna explains, "Because there is a special ingredient in those cookies. You see, baby, Daddy made Mommy very mad last night. So Mommy baked cookies and put a very strong laxative in a few of them."

* * *

Evil Anna strikes again!

I got this idea from an episode of My Name is Earl where Katalina takes an embarrassing picture of Joy with her cell phone and Joy tries to destroy the picture. In the end, Joy got revenge by giving Katalina cookies labeled "from an admirerer" that had super strong laxatives in them.

I love how Anna explained her evil plan in a baby vocabulary.


	34. Marco!

This would take place at that little hole where Lloyd has to go in by himself to change the element at the Temple of Darkness.

* * *

Zelos glances around, or at least he tries to. Lloyd took the Blue Candle with him when he left to change the element of the Sorcerer's Ring. It's hard to see his own hand even if it was held up to his nose. Well, Zelos can get past the challenges of the Temple of Darkness.

"Marco!" he calls out.

"Ooo! Polo!"

"This isn't the time."

"We're not even in a pool."

"Not right now, Zelos."

"Marco Polo, hmm? It brings back memories . . ."

"Marco Polo?"

A step back, three steps right, two steps forward, and reach and grab.

"ACK!! _You stupid Chosen! You'll pay as soon as Lloyd gets back with that candle!_"

* * *

In case anyone wonders, here is the order in which the group speaks starting at "Marco!": Zelos, Colette, Raine, Genis, Sheena, Regal (hope I got his character. correct me if other wise), and Presea.


	35. Kidnapping Aftermath

This is the sequel to Milestone Thank You where I got kidnapped by mysterious characters. You can guess who they are all you want. (I don't even remember who they are. Wish I did.)

* * *

"So you really don't remember a thing?"

I look up at Raine and affirm. "Nothing other than the fact that I was sitting at my computer one moment and the next I was in feudal Japan."

Lloyd excitedly asks, "What was feudal Japan like?"

Frustrating. Kagome didn't originally pay attention in her English class until her grades started plummeting so communication was hell. We both resorted to over exaggerated hand motions at the end. The others like InuYasha just watched completely not understanding what we were saying.

Fun fun fun . . .

To discourage Lloyd from going there (because I know he'll be the first to try to explore there) I tell him, "Oh, it was okay. The food was kinda bland, though." Not that I know. Never tried it.

His face drops. "Oh . . ."

Genis returns. With a steaming plate of cookies! Yay!

I give him ever adoring eyes. "You are the greatest person in existence."

He just grins. He knows I'm just in it for the cookies. "I figured you would want some comfort food after all that."

"_Yes!_" I start snatching at the cookies. I growl at Lloyd when he tries to reach for them.

Raine questions, "Do you even have an idea of who kidnapped you?" I can tell she's getting a little impatient with me focusing on only the food. Who can blame me? I lost my cookie when I got kidnapped!

I growl, "I have my suspicions . . . but I'll get them. I'll torture them through fan fiction! I'll start with Mithos soon. I wonder what I should do: turn him neko or have him discover yayoi fan fiction."

* * *

Since you all tolerated this one I'll give you each one of Genis' fabulous cookies! ^^


	36. Presea's Ax

Zelos watches Presea swing her impossibly large ax effortlessly in her practice. He goes up to her and conversationally says, "You know, that ax looks pretty heavy. It's a surprise that a little girl like you can even lift it."

Presea looks at him and replies, "I imagine that it is because of my Exsphere."

The Chosen glances at the ax. Why pass up an opportunity to show off? "How 'bout you let me try that ax out?"

She regards him curiously. "Are you sure? It's very heavy."

Zelos holds his hand out with that confident smile.

Presea lowers her ax's blade to the ground and gives him the handle. Zelos grasps the ax and casually lifts it . . . and fails. The Chosen frowns. He puts more effort, and fails again. This time he uses all his strength.

The blade comes off the ground by an inch or two.

Zelos grings in his groaning as the blade slowly elevates by each little inch. He starts feeling cocky and tries to turn the ax to face another direction. Only his hands slip.

The giant ax lands blade down into the ground with a loud _shink!_

Just missing Zelos' foot by a hair's width.

"WOAH!!!" Zelos cries.

Presea silently takes her ax back and returns to her effortless practicing.

Zelos sighs at the irony of a little girl beating him in strength. "This really doesn't help a guy's ego."


	37. Late Night Writer's Block

I stare at the screen.

It's simple as that, really. No ideas come up. My mind is nothing but a huge blank. The characters just aren't speaking to me.

I glance at the clock.

It's just eleven p.m. If it's going to be like this all night then I might as well get to bed. Ideas might come if I get some sleep. Besides I'm tired. Bone tired. My computer's heating up, anyway . . .

I turn off the computer screen. Writer's block is like the flu.

* * *

Seriously, guys, I ran out of ideas for right now. I posted a poll on my profile for who you all might want to see tortured in this fic next

I've got Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Raine, Sheena, Zelos, Presea, Regal, Kratos, Yuan, Mithos, Anna, and me (a writer who likes to tease herself). Vote if you want. First place gets written about first and so on.

Ideas as what to do next are welcome too.

**Edit: The voting just ended on July 22nd. Kratos got first with 4 votes and Yuan and Mithos tied with 1 vote each. . . . . . only 6 voters? Oh, well . . .**


	38. Sunburns

Earlier I got writer's block over this and set a poll to see who the public wants me to torture next. I only got 6 votes in total but oh well.

Kratos came in first with four votes so he's first.

Yuan goes next (1 vote) and Mithos will be last (1 vote).

* * *

The party stops on the top of a dune in the middle of the Triet Desert.

"Genis, are you alright?" Colette asks. "You are completely red!"

Raine (herself stained pink) rushes over to her brother and presses her cool water bag against the back of Genis' neck.

The young mage relaxes into a limp. "Aaaahhhh . . . That feels so good . . ." He relishes in the coldness of the item on his neck.

"Looks like our sunscreen didn't help us much either," Lloyd notes.

Colette herself sports a nice red burn. "You aren't burned at all, Lloyd."

"_How come he isn't sunburned?!_" Genis cries in his misery.

"That is enough, Genis," Raine says.

Lloyd comments, "I never really get sunburned. I just tan."

Kratos growls.

Lloyd looks over. The mercenary is the worst off out of all of them, even worse than Colette or Genis. He could easily pass for a nice, shiny lobster.

Lloyd grins. "What would you call yourself? Medium rare or well done?"

Kratos growls at the boy who doesn't get much of a sunburn. _That_ trait came from his mother unfortunately.

"Get lost before your cheek gets you into trouble," he snaps.

* * *

I have red hair and super fair skin so I can feel his misery. I got burned so many times that I can resymble a lobster myself and only feel maybe an itch.


	39. Yuan and Potion

Yuan's drunk again! See Designated Babysitter chapter for the other time that makes this "again".

* * *

Yuan downs another shot of potion. "Dammit, Kra'os . . ." he growls. "Why do yoo always ge' in my way?"

He pours the Flanoir potion into his shot glass again. It's been a very long and trying day. "Always bin a pain in th' asssss_always!_ For four 'ousan' yeers 'ee's bin an ass."

He swallows that shot. "Then 'e goes an' marries that Anna womun. Ssshhee ma'e 'im worssse! Ne'er thou' e'd git worse!"

He pours himself another drink and inhales that one too. "Then theere's 'is brah, too. Jus' as mush of a pain as 'e is! Alwwwwayss gud at runnin'! Always escaped! Dammit!"

Yuan knocks over the potion and his shot glass in his dramatic actions. "Dammit! Where th' 'ell is that brat!"

Then he freezes as soon as he realizes that he has an audience. An audience that contains Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Raine, Sheena, Zelos, Presea, and Regal all shocked at the display and speech.

"Ah . . . . ."

* * *

"Ah . . . . . I hafe a purfe'ly logi'al esplanashun fur tha' . . . ."

Kratos is so gonna kill him.


	40. I Feel Pretty!

"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty, and _gaaaaayyy!_"

I scratch on my notebook. The power of fanfic writers is magnificent! Although, Mithos won't agree with that. Especially not when I'm forcing him to dance around in a girly dress and sing "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story.

"I feel charming! Oh so charming! It's alarming how charming I _feeeeelll!_"

"Wow . . ." Yuan sits down next to me. "You must be bored."

"You, sir," I say with a smile, "have absolutely no idea."

* * *

Oh, God . . . Mithos is so going to kill me when I stop. Luckly I'm a fanfic writer AND sorta a self-insert character so I can come back to life via most cliched and random reason. *coughcoughSpecialCruxisCrystalcoughcough*


	41. Completion Relationship

"Hey, Yuan," Lloyd says, "what was my parents' relationship like?"

Yuan grins. The opportunity was too priceless. "Well, I would say that it was something of a completion relationship."

"Completion relationship?" the boy words.

Yuan nods. "Yes. Kratos was stoic and no fun at all while Anna was dynamic and spontaneous. You see, she completed him."

* * *

What can I say other than I got this idea from Ice Age 2? I think this is actually closer to the truth than this suggests.


	42. Questions and Answers

Lloyd has been on a spree of twenty questions about his parents. It doesn't bother Kratos, really, it's just that some of the answers to those questions . . .

"Dad, what happened when Mom found out that she was pregnant?"

Kratos thinks back as he tries to form a good answer. He remembers Anna's first words when they found out . . .

"_This is all your fault! I can't believe you knocked me up! I'm happy to have the baby and all, but I sure as hell am not happy about the morning sickness and the immobility and the bulging belly and looking forward to birthing pains! I'm going to castrate you, you bastard!!"_

Kratos just smiles at his son and replies, "Anna was very happy to have you. She looked forward to seeing your smiling face everyday." The rest are just trivial details.

* * *

Lovely wife Anna was, wasn't she?


	43. Family Dinner

I'm breaking the rules again. This is if Kratos was able to live in peace like he wanted instead of Kvar ruining it for him.

You know, Kvar isn't too bright. He should've clued in that, hey, maybe Kratos CAN kill him with more ease than Kvar can kill a baby animal. Kvar should've just made an key crest for Anna and took the Exsphere away AFTER putting the key crest on her. It's win-win and Kvar would get to live in the very long run. But no. He's just too stupid to figure that out.

On a lighter note, I'm on a Kratos/Anna skit streak.

* * *

The family of three sat down for dinner. Anna glances around the table. Her husband sits just to her right while Lloyd sits to her left. This dinner is different. Lloyd brought a new friend over. A boy named Genis. It almost surprised her that this friend would be so much younger than Lloyd, but she supposes that an age difference of five years isn't too much for true friends.

Anna smiles to herself. Another thing to be proud about her son now is how open he is to different kinds of friends. The Chosen, some other students younger and older than him, the dwarf Dirk that lives nearby, and (although he probably won't admit it) his new teacher Raine Sage. He makes her so proud.

She sees a fork from the left sneak to her plate. Anna was so busy woolgathering that she didn't notice that she was just cutting up her steak into bite-size bits and not eating them. Lloyd probably thought that he could afford to sneak something off her plate.

Ah, Lloyd. There is so much he needs to learn.

Anna takes her cutting knife and stabs it into the table making a loud bang. Next to Lloyd's now-frozen hand. She smiles sweetly at him.

"Hi, Lloyd," she chirps.

"H . . . Hi, Mom," he goes with a cautious smile.

"Nice steak, huh?" she comments.

"Y-yeah." He gulps. "Really good."

Anna remarks, "Your father sure knows how to cook."

Lloyd just nods and retreats his hand away from his mother's knife. Anna smirks to herself as she starts plopping a bite of steak into her mouth.

Genis laughs, "Ahahahahahah! Maybe you should think about what you're doing next time."

"Shut up, Genis."

Kratos gives his wife a hard stare. She just shrugs as if to say "what are you going to do?" He gets back to his dinner with an irritated sigh. Thank all that is good and holy that Anna won't ever make a habit of hitting her loved ones.


	44. Run Away Baby

My Kratos/Anna streak ends here. This sort of scene should be familiar to those of you with little siblings who hate baths.

* * *

"NOOO!!"

"Stop struggling!"

"NOOO!!"

"You're getting in there and that's that!"

Kratos ignores the nightly Battle of the Bathtub being raged this time by Anna and their two-year-old son. By the sound of things this round is an exceptionally bloody struggle. He's just glad that it isn't his turn to bathe the babe tonight.

"Just get in the bath!"

"NOOO!!"

"Lloyd! LLOYD!! LLOYD, STOP!!"

"NOOOOOO!!!"

The door flings open and, before he realizes just what happened, a naked toddler rushes by. Anna follows tumbling over her steps.

Kratos drops his newspaper and half gawks trying to figure out what the hell just happened. "Wha . . . ?"

A towel hits his face as Anna scolds, "_Just get him before he gets outside!_"

Kratos and Anna dash after their two-year-old. They finally catch up to the surprisingly fast boy in the lobby of the inn. Ignoring the spectators around them, Kratos makes a dive for the naked child with the towel spread out for the catch.

"NOOO!!! NOOO!!! NOOOOOO!!!" wails the tot as he is trapped by the towel his father wraps him with. Anna gets to Kratos' side and binds the toddler's flailing legs with her own towel. Meanwhile, Kratos muffles the bloody murder screams by pressing the child's face against his shoulder.

The couple walks back casually, trying to keep all the dignity they can through all the pitying eyes and the sympathetic and empathetic expressions.

"Guess who's helping me tonight?" Anna stiffly questions.

"I am?"

"That's right. And I'll need some chocolate and wine after this."

"Humph . . ."


	45. Impatient OC

This came to me while I was having trouble writing the twelfth chapter of my Kratos/Anna fanfic romance. I wasn't listening to my OC. Instead, I was playing Pokemon.

* * *

"Write about me now, hap."

I just lay on my bed playing Pokemon Silver. Yeah. I'm bored.

"Later," I tell him.

Ephraim, my OC, scowls at me. "Get off the gameboy and get on that computer."

I just get up and sit at my computer, which I still won't touch.

"I said _get off the gameboy!_" he snarls.

I just ignore him.

"_Get off!_"

"I will in a moment!" I snap. Then I blink and after a moment I chirp, "Finally that egg is hatching."

Ephraim growls at me.

I watch the screen for a moment . . . and then . . . "What the . . . ?" I gawk at my game. "A Geodude? That's not right. That's so not right. I put together an Eevee and a Ditto. How did I get a Geodude?"

Ephraim finally gives up and rolls his eyes. "I'll be waiting for you to write about me while you wonder how the hell you got a Geodude from an Eevee and a Ditto."

"That's so not right."

* * *

POKEMON INFIDELITY!!! I suspect the Ditto.


	46. Zelos' Humiliating Mishap

"That is _not_ the real reason why you're here!" I shout.

Zelos waltzes into my house. "Then what do you think I'm here for?"

He got me there. "I . . . I don't know . . . But I know that's not the reason why you're barging into my house!"

Zelos walks into my room.

"_No boys allowed in my room!! Are you trying to get me in trouble?!_"

He scans the computer and silently curses. It's off. He won't be able to delete all the Protesting Against Late Night Writers skits she has saved without her noticing, at least not right now. He'll have to come back again some other time.

Curiosity about something else got the better of him, though.

I march into my room as Zelos examines my entertainment set (a.k.a. the TV, the gamecube, etc.). "I said get out of my room! What are you doing?!"

Zelos slides out the Tales of Symphonia case (which I'm sure has one disk in since the other one is in the gamecube). His eyes glance over the front cover. No hard scrutiny there.

He asks, "Why is Lloyd the only dude on this—Oh god!"

Zelos drops the game case as he suddenly realizes what he just said.

I collapse on the floor laughing my guts out. If only I had a camera.

* * *

I wondered that if Zelos came across his anime self would he, like the rest of us, mistake that cartoon for a girl.


	47. Zelos' Solution

ZELOS STREAK!!! This is based off the treasure hunter's favorite . . . whatever it's called. fighting gems . . . what . . . ? Been a while since I last played.

* * *

Lloyd groans, "That was the last of our gald . . ."

Zelos leans forward in his chair contemplating for a remedy to the situation while Lloyd continues to lament over the problem.

"How are we going to buy food and supplies?" he moans. "Our stocks are already running out . . ."

Zelos gets an idea.

"We're going to starve if we don't get some gald . . ."

The Chosen gets up and chirps "Don't worry about it, Lloyd. Just give me a day and I'll come back with full supplies and plenty of gald!"

Lloyd looks up at Zelos dubiously. "How are you going to do that?"

The redheaded swordsman makes for the door assuring, "Just give me the rest of the day and you'll see."

The door shuts.

As the day passes by everyone comes back with the exception of Zelos. Colette worked as a waitress but didn't get much, Genis and Raine couldn't find vendors who would buy the old equipment, Sheena couldn't get a hold of Mizuho with the request for food and supplies, Presea scavenged everywhere but only found some herbs that could be eaten, and Regal went with Genis and Raine to help barter for a sale. Lloyd himself tried to help out at the inn they were staying in and only managed to pay off their first night stay.

"Nothing . . ." Genis says.

Raine sadly informs, "This is a bad situation. We tried almost everything."

Sheena uncertainly suggests, "We could kill some monsters for some gald and supplies but this city isn't plagued by any monsters right now . . ."

Presea states, "The land is almost empty of necessary food. I found herbs but that can get us only so far."

Colette says, "Not all of us are here, though. Zelos might still be working."

"Hah!" Sheena goes. "Zelos isn't working. All he's done is flirt with every female in sight! He hasn't done a lick of work!"

Just at that moment, Zelos parades in. "I've got good news, everyone!"

Sheena whirls around. "Where have you been, you stu—What?!" She gawks. "How did you get all that?!"

Supplies and food dangle in bags off of his arms and shoulders and his pack bulges with promises. His pockets and money purse is stuffed and fat. Everyone gapes at the Chosen.

Zelos simply explains with a sly smile, "My hunnies will give me anything. All I have to do is talk to them and they give me a gift. I just said that the team and I are in need of supplies and they gave like crazy. But I'll tell ya that it was hard talking to every woman I could find and dragging all this stuff over here."


	48. Rides You Can't Forget

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN DISNEY OR ANYTHING CONNECTED, ASSOCIATING, OR OTHERWISE, OWNED, RUN, OR MANAGED BY DISNEY.

DO NOT SUE ME!!!

* * *

Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Raine, Sheena, Presea, and Regal look at the door as the master of the mansion walks through. Seles skips past him with bags and luggage dangling off her. Sebastian and Tokunaga take some of her load and help her cart the bags up the stairs to her new room.

Seles calls down to her brother, "I'll come back down after I unpack, okay?"

"Kay . . ."

They examine their old friend. Zelos has a horrible sunburn on every part of him exposed, a ripe stench can be detected, sleep deprivation is evident, his two-bag luggage drag lifelessly behind him, and his eyes keep zoning in and out as if he's trying to block out certain memories.

Sheena finally asks, "So . . . How was Disney World?"

Zelos dumps his luggage at the side and shuts the door. "Exhausting . . . The lines were way too long, everything is overpriced, and I think I suffered from heat exhaustion at one point. Seles had a good time, though, and that's what counts. I did take her there for her birthday after all."

Regal prompts, "Is there anything you did enjoy?"

A light appears in his eyes. "Pleasure Island was nice and I really liked Epcot. I'll go again only for Epcot."

Genis remarks, "I figured you would like Pleasure Island."

Raine corrects, "Genis, Disney World is for families. They are not going to put things like that in their theme park."

Colette questions, "What was Seles' favorite park?"

That light fades a little. "Animal Kingdom and Magic Kingdom. Magic Kingdom was her favorite."

"What was so bad about the trip, Zelos?" Lloyd wonders. Something got to his usually happy-go-lucky friend.

A pause. "Well," he starts, "there was that _one_ ride Seles made me get on."

"Which ride was that?" Presea asks.

A pause. Zelos starts walking up the stairs. "I'm . . . going to take a nap for a little bit . . . Didn't get much sleep there . . ."

"Zelos?" Presea warily prompts.

A pause. Then . . . "Heheheheheh . . . Alright, Seles, we'll get on . . . . Heheheheheh . . . Do you _really_ want to get on? Alright. Fine. I'll get on for you . . . Heheheheheh . . . Heheheheheh . . ."

"Zelos . . . ?" Lloyd goes.

Zelos keeps sluggishly climbing up the stairs. "Heheheheheh . . . Why? Why did you make me get on? . . . Heheheheheh . . ."

Sheena asks herself in a whisper, "What got him?"

And then, they hear him mutter, "It's a small world after all . . . It's a small world after all . . . It's a small . . . Heheheheheh . . ."

Regal utters, "I had no idea that ride was so disturbing."

* * *

In reality, I really like Disney World (which is in Florida. Disney Land is in California. I've been to both.) Epcot is now my favorite park.

Of course, everyone knows about the infamous It's a Small World ride.


	49. Blackmail

I'm getting really close to skit #50. This and its sequel are in celebration to my fiftieth skit.

One night I thought, "You know, what if I blackmailed one of the characters?" I txt it out with a friend and formed this beauty.

Of course, I'm the villain in this. :3

* * *

Dressed in an overcoat, Kratos glances this way and that, and slips into the dark alleyway. He sees a short and ridiculously skinny figure wearing a black cloak with a hood that swallows the figure. He knows who it is and she knows that he knows it's her. She just wore the cloak just for the fun of it.

"What do you want, happy ametuer?" he snaps.

I reply with a raspy voice (just for the fun of it), "I want you to do a certain . . . thing."

"What thing?" He knows this isn't good. It may ruin his reputation for a good hundred years or so. He can just imagine Yuan bringing it up over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over . . .

I hold out a typed paper. Kratos takes it and scans it. Not quite believing what he first read, he scrutinizes the print in case he made a mistake. No mistake.

"Absolutely not," the mercenary hisses.

"I don't think you have a choice."

Kratos snaps, "Oh, really? Why the hell would you think this?"

This time I whip out printer paper copies of three photos with a sly smile on my face. "These would be why."

Kratos takes them and takes one look at them before gasping. _How the f**k did she get these?!_

"Where are the originals?" he growls.

"Do you really think I'm an idiot enough to tell you?" I snip. "You can try to find them all you want. You won't get them. Besides, it's not going to be at a place where Yuan or Lloyd will see you, so why worry so much? Just do it and I won't post the originals on the internet."

"Damn you to ever-living hell!" Kratos snarls.

I ask, "Do we have a deal?"

Conflict rages in his mind and soul. Do what she says or let the entire world, including Lloyd, see those photos. Which is the lesser evil?

Finally, he growls, "Fine. Fine. I'll do it."

I smirk. I didn't think blackmailing Kratos would be _this_ easy.

* * *

As a note to everyone, I cencor cussing for myself. If I get comfortable typing it then chances are I'll get comfortable saying it.

A girl who cusses does not sound neither cute nor intelegent. Do NOT get ahead of me, though.

Also, my dad WILL wash my mouth out with soap. I weigh 106-108lbs. and am 5'2'' tall. There is no way I'm calling it out as a bluff.


	50. Smile for the Camera!

I am so evil.

* * *

I sit in a chair across from the taller lady dressed in a blue kimono. After I slurp up some more noodles I ask, "So how does silk feel on your skin? I never wore anything like that before."

The lady with the blue kimono and blond double braids doesn't answer. Her face is still red with fury and humiliation.

"Well," I offer, "look on the bright side. At least—"

"Hey there, pretty lady!" A shady man walks up to my companion. "Think we can hang out or I get your number?"

My friend focuses on her dinner doing her best to ignore everything around her.

I tell the guy, "She's just a little shy. Why don't you come back another time?"

The stranger frowns but keeps his cocky attitude. "Alright then. Later, sexy!"

As the strange guy leaves I do my best not to crack up in laughter. That will be one more thing added to the list of "Torture Happy Ametuer For."

"A-as I—phhhht, sht!—was sa-saying, at least there isn't a camera around," I finish.

The woman snarls at me. It takes all my control not to cringe in terror under her fierce, bloodthirsty eyes.

We get back to eating.

"Look who it is, Tifa!"

My doom is now assured.

Cloud Strife strolls up and faces my friend. A cheeky smirk exposes his evil intent. "Didn't I tell you that someone borrowed that old dress?"

Tifa is all restrained snickers and giggles. "It's a little hard to believe. I didn't think this was real until I saw it."

"Brings back memories, doesn't it?" he comments.

"Er . . . Yeah . . ." I'll give Tifa credit for doing her best not to burst out laughing.

Then, to my horror, Cloud hands a camera over to Tifa. "Take a picture of me with this beautiful lady."

Tifa trembles in her fight to keep her face casual.

Cloud wraps his arm around the kimono lady's shoulders and forces her to face the camera. He makes a peace sign as Tifa aims the camera in her hands.

Cloud combs his fingers into the person's real hair and gently pulls out a few locks of feathery red hair out from under the blond wig.

Then, just before the damning flash, Cloud chirps, "Smile for the camera, Miss Kratos!"

* * *

The Miss Cloud costume at its best includes: Silk Dress, Blond Wig, Sexy Colonge, Diamond Tiara, Lingerie, and make up.

I am never going to be able to take Kratos seriously ever again. Here's what will happen when Lloyd finds out Kratty is his daddy:

Yuan: RELEASE ORIGIN OR LLOYD, THE KID ANNA GAVE BIRTH TO AFTER DOMESTICATING YOU, WILL DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!

Lloyd: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! IMPOSSSIIBLLLLLEEEE!!!!! I CAN'T BE HIS SON!!!

Kratos: Humph . . . (translation: Damn you to HELL, Yuan!)

Me: Phhhhht! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! Miss Kratos is yo daddy, Lloyd!


	51. Saving vs Kissing

**2010 edit:** I started a war with Zelos over posting a skit, but it was lame and cruel, so I deleted it.

On another note, this skit seems pretty popular.

* * *

I save a hysterical skit for Protesting Against Late Night Writers in its respective folder when I hear a knock at my bedroom door. I turn, and glare at the intruder.

"I thought I told you to stay out of my room," I snip.

Zelos waltzes in. "I just thought I could say hi."

Liar. "You just thought you could erase that one skit." I tell him, "Well it's too late! I already saved it."

I let him see me close out of my skit folder for good measure. The desktop with all its folders is visible for all to see.

Zelos gets closer to me and grabs the back of my chair with one hand and leans against the desk with the other, trapping me between him and the junk stuffed in the corner of the walls. I make a mental note to clean my room ASAP for any necessary future escapes.

The young man leans down towards my face. "No, no. That wasn't what I was thinking at all."

Then, cupping my face with his left hand, Zelos kisses me.

I gasp and cringe away, an instinct reaction that can be explained by the fact that not a single boy has ever even had a slight attraction to me (not that I know—most teased me mercilessly). The last thought in my fogging mind is that now I know that Zelos took hold of my face to prevent my flight away from him. I give halfhearted attempts to stimulate my brain, but every effort is all in vain. With a sigh, I surrender to his lips.

After a long, splendid moment, Zelos purrs and gently pulls away from me. I slowly slump in my chair. No wonder this man has so many groupies in Meltokio. I'm probably one of the easier girls he could seduce.

I watch him leave with a smile and a glint in his eye that I can't quite . . . identify . . .

"I'll see you later, okay, hunny?" he purrs as he leaves.

"Kay . . ." I mumble as I hear the front door shut. I turn to my computer monitor trying to reengage my brain back to writing skits and—

"WHAT THE HELL!!! THAT BASTARD DELETED MY PROTESTING SKITS!!!"


	52. Raine's Cooking Delicious?

Raine scopes from the pot she cooked with and pours the soup into bowls before passing them around. "Alright, everyone, eat up!"

Lloyd and Genis regard their bowls warily and glance at each other. They nod at one another in encouragement and take a bit . . .

And it's the most tasteful thing Raine had ever cooked! It's well past edible into delicious!

Later that night when everyone, especially Raine, is asleep, Lloyd sighs, "Good thing dinner was delicious."

Genis agrees. "Yeah. If that fan fiction idea we came up with to change Raine's cooking tonight didn't work then we would be puking right now."

* * *

They had to try this trick _some_time. I'm pretty sure these two were desperate to try anything that could make Raine's cooking actually tasty.


	53. Potato Salad

I'm sure Mithos didn't have the time to taste Raine's cooking (and when he did Genis and the others made sure he couldn't) but let's pretend he did.

* * *

Raine hands Mithos a plate of her potato salad. He contemplates it for a moment but dares not ask if anything unusual is in it. After all, as disgusting as it may look the potato salad may actually be very delicious. Besides, what is he going to do when Raine is glancing hopeful looks his way?

He scopes up a piece and takes a bite.

Mithos' face twists in five different expressions before settling on a fake smile just in time for Raine to glance back again.

"How is it, Mithos?" she asks.

Mithos forces his clenched smile even wider. Why bother telling her how his taste buds are dying? "Ee greah, 'Aine!"


	54. A012's Escape

Anna's great escape: the Desian's point of view!

* * *

Kvar stares hell at the guard long enough for the pest to squirm where he stands.

"So tell me," he calmly says, "how it is possible for an injured and weak host such as A012 to escape."

The guard tries to come up with the right words to spare his life, but . . .

"_Look that way! Figaro is actually escaping!"_

"_What?!"_

Kvar's stare turns into a glare. "If you don't start looking for her now then I will personally turn you into a host to replace her."

The guard flees for his life.


	55. Anna's Escape

Anna's great escape: her own point of view!

* * *

Anna looks left.

Anna looks right.

Anna looks at the guard behind her.

She makes an expression of shock and points behind the guard and shouts "Look that way! Figaro is actually escaping!"

"What?!" The Desian whirls around to find the imaginary Figaro.

Anna takes advantage of the moment to slip through the gates and out of the ranch.


	56. Which Lloyd is Which?

Emil fumbles, "But . . . But which is the real Lloyd?"

Two Lloyds, one the imposter the other the real one, stand before them glaring at the other red swordsman, ready for battle if the other decides to take advantage of the situation.

Marta asks, "Tenebrae, can't you smell out who the real Lloyd is?"

Tenebrae apologetically says, "Forgive me, Lady Marta, but I can't smell anything over that vile cologne."

Emil turns to Lloyd's friend. "Zelos?"

Zelos shrugs. "Right now I can't tell, but I have an idea of how we can."

Zelos makes a grand gesture and declares, "Dwarvan Vow number seven: Justice and love will always win!"

That stuns both of them but the one on the left immediately changes face and calls out, "That's right! So I know I can trust you to make the right decision! I know that we can expose that imposture for what he truly is and together we can defeat him!"

The one on the right just keeps gawking at Zelos as if he, along with the rest of the world, has completely lost his mind.

Zelos cheerfully turns to the two kids and the centurion. "See? Now we know for sure who the real Lloyd is!"

"Which one?" Emil gasps.

"Isn't it obvious?" Zelos points out, "The one who's looking at us like we're completely nuts! Lloyd always hated that vow because of how cheesy it is."

* * *

I couldn't help but wonder why they didn't do something like this in the first place or why Zelos didn't realize who the real Lloyd is when the imposter made the cheesiest speech I have ever heard on either games.

But can you just imagine the look on Lloyd's face if they did do this?

**2010 edit:** I got the two Lloyds switched due to a typo. To avoid anyone still playing the game any frustration on attacking the real Lloyd, I corrected the mistake.


	57. Zelos' Knowledge on Lloyd's Cologne

"There!" Emil cries out. "See?! Now do you believe us?!"

Zelos says, "No, I don't. I still can't believe that's Lloyd."

"_WHY?! He just kidnapped your sister in front of your very eyes!_"

Zelos affirms, "I'm telling you, that's not Lloyd. Besides, Lloyd doesn't smell like that."

That throws Emil off. "What?"

The Chosen explains, "Lloyd isn't the kind of guy who wears cologne and even if he did start wearing it he wouldn't have picked such a horrible, flashy smell."

All I can think of while I play through that cut scene is _And how the hell does he know that?_

* * *

Although this isn't word for word (I don't want to play it that far), when this scene came up I really couldn't help but wonder this fact. Really, just how the hell does Zelos know this and WHY the hell does Zelos even WANT to know?!


	58. The Secret Behind Lloyd's Knowledge

Emil admires, "Wow, Lloyd! It's really amazing how you know about Ratatosk and all!"

Marta joins in, "Yeah! You're so smart! I bet you're one of the smartest people I know!"

Lloyd grins as he cockily turns his head a little away from them. "It's all common sense, really. It's obvious when you just think about it."

They admire and awe him for a while but go off into a different topic with Tenebrae after some time. When they finally get out of earshot, Genis goes, "I bet Yuan had to explain every single detail to you about a million times, didn't he? He probably wanted to beat you over the head."

"Sh-shut up!"

* * *

I didn't get this far on the game but I have heard of Lloyd's amazing progress in intelect in the second game. I imagine that this is closer to reality.


	59. Altamira's Fans

Altamira's bunny girls rush madly along the streets. They search here; they search there; they search everywhere. Still, no sign of their prey.

Finally, they spot one of his closer servants. A young girl with short pigtails.

The lead of the girls stalks up to her. "_Where is Regal Bryant?!_" she demands.

Fairly startled, the servant girl gives a false, shaky smile and timidly points in one direction.

"_Thank you!_" The bunny girls dash off in that direction.

The servant loses all pretense of fear as she starts snickering to herself. Meanwhile, Regal Bryant strolls peacefully out of the hotel just across the street, which is in the opposite direction the servant girl pointed in.

Regal blinks at her. "Alicia, what is so amusing?"

Alicia turns to him all giggles and chuckles. "Oh, Master Regal! Your fan girls here aren't very bright! If they had any common sense they would have looked in the new hotel where you said you would be inspecting. Instead, they listened to me and passed right on by."

* * *

I was thinking of doing something cute-flaky-couple-ish (kinda like Kyo/Tohru or Lloyd/Colette) that involves the Regal/Alicia pairing, but that would've offended the "delicate" sensitivities of the Regal fan girls on here to the point that it may be virtual suicide (couldn't come up with anything anyway . . .).

Although I credit the Altimera bunny girls more intellect than Zelos' groupies in Meltokio, it still isn't much credit to give.


	60. Bull's Eye!

Lloyd, Colette, Genis, and Zelos lounge near the beach at Altimera having a pleasant conversation.

". . . Though Sheena was right about this place," Lloyd comments. "It really is flashy!"

Colette chirps, "Yeah, but it's so cool here! Everything looks like fun! I can't wait to swim at the beach!"

Zelos adds, "There's also the theme park to look forward to."

Lloyd cheers, "Alright! I'm getting on that rollercoaster as soon as I get a chance!"

Genis stares at his unopened soda. He takes a quick glance at Zelos (who stands next to him) and looks back at his soda. Then he gets an idea.

Zelos tells with a grin, "You sure? That ride goes over sixty miles an hour with loops, twists, drops, and even goes upside down. I rode on it one time and nearly got sick. You better have a strong stomach."

Then the Chosen of Tethe'alla hears something. He turns his head to the sound and discovers Genis furiously shaking his soda bottle. Zelos warns, "I wouldn't do that if I were—"

Pop!

An eruption of soda fizz flies at Zelos' face. It stuns him momentarily while soda drips down his head.

Genis bursts into laughter, "Bwahahahahahahahahah! Bull's eye!"

* * *

This isn't cruel. This is a random kid's prank. ;)

Besides, I'll bet money that at least twenty of you who look at this have done this at some point in your lives (or WILL do it in the near future).


	61. Tug of War with Noishe

I play tug with my dogs all the time and I wondered what it would be like with Noishe.

By the way, do any of you have dogs who often go up to you with huge branches in their mouths thinking that they're sticks? My lab does this ALL THE TIME . . . (we have trees in our small backyard)

* * *

"Aww. How cute! He followed us all the way here."

Kratos looks back and finds a medium-sized dog tailing Anna. People would be surprised given how Anna acts around them but she is an animal lover, or more specifically a dog and cat lover.

She kneels over and coos at the mutt. "What's that you got in your mouth, pup? A stick? You want to play fetch with me?"

Kratos rolls his eyes and faces back towards the direction of Asgard. He finds Noishe who meets them on the new couple's daily routine of seeing them.

Anna continues in playful scolding, "Give me the stick! Did you come here just to play tug with me? Give me the stick!"

Noishe looks at Anna and the dog, then back at Kratos, then back at Anna and the dog, and then back at Kratos. Then he dashes off and returns with a large stick (or more like a branch).

"No, Noishe," Kratos goes.

Anna looks over and bursts into snickers. "Aww, Noishe is jealous. Just humor him, Kratos. I know you're strong enough to."

"Whieee . . ." Noishe gives him puppy eyes.

Kratos sighs "Fine," as he grabs a firm grip onto the bulk of the stick.

All of a sudden, Noishe zooms off with a speed and strength so vast that it stuns the man as he loses his footing and is dragged along with the creature at a long distance. When his hands finally lose their strength, he's dropped off into the dirt with his mouth filled with grass, soil, and who-knows-what-else.

A pause of silence. Then Anna regains her wits and explodes into a howl of laughter.


	62. The Female Spider

Anna looks out the window and grimaces. "Ew. A huge spider."

Kratos sets their newborn infant down on the bed and comes over and looks. "It _is_ huge. Let's keep the window closed so it doesn't come in," he says as he shuts the window down, thinking how he doesn't want their baby boy (or himself and Anna) bitten by the thing whether or not it's poisonous.

Anna leans on the window ceil. "I wonder . . . Think it's male or female?"

Kratos glances about the giant web stretching long distances and replies, "Female. See the small spider just above the large one?"

She looks. "That tiny, pathetic speck just above her?"

"Yes. That's her mate."

Anna grins evilly and asks, "Is this the kind of spider where the female eats its mate just after breeding?"

Kratos glances at her suspiciously and grunts, "Humph. It would appear so."

She tells him, "Imagine what our relationship would be like if we were that kind of spider."

He snorts. "Well, obviously you know that you would have already made a huge meal out of me by now."

Anna licks her lips thoughtfully. She leans off the window ceil and hovers over her husband's arm as she tests the hardness of the dark meat. "Well you _do_ look really tasty!"

Kratos sighs as he allows his wife this moment of play.

* * *

I visited this garden somewhere in the Galveston-to-Beumont area call Shangri La. I went there for a field trip during the Texas Governor's School program in Beumont (bow-mont) as an explanation as to why I was there.

Anyway, there were these HUGE spiders the locals call banana spiders (bigger than the actual deadly venomous banana spiders) that have a yellow body and, yes, eat their tiny brown male mates after they breed. Since there are others including ones I saw on the Discovery Channel and the black widow spider, I can safely assume that many other female spiders do the same. I've even heard that praying mantises do the same mating/eating behavior.

Originally I wanted to pull this joke off in a self-insert that wasn't fit for the light of day (or internet). Instead you see it here where it is supposed to be. And, really, imagine what Anna and Kratos' relationship would be like if they were black widows or something.

Poor Kratos.


	63. Other Options in Writing

I type at my computer, working on my thirteenth chapter of my Anna/Kratos fanfic. Then . . . I spy a sentence that I recently typed: "The mercenary walks to the forked hallway where the baths are: right for men, left for women. He, of course, takes a right." It's part of a comedy relief skit, but I start to wonder . . . What other options could he have? Well . . . Here you are. Take your pick of which one you want.

"The mercenary walks to the forked hallway where the baths are: right for men, left for women. He, of course, . . ."

takes a right

takes a left

goes back and gets a refund

goes back and exchanges his "individual" room ticket for a "pairing" room ticket

leaves for the Hunny Bee Inn at Wall Market, Sixth District, Midgar (maybe Cloud's there)

finds Anna's room and seduces her like he's Jupiter/Zeus (Roman/Greek)

Judgments the poll writer for all these stupid options and takes a furious right

POLL HOG!!! LOLOLOLOLOL!!! TAH EVILNESS!!!

* * *

As an explanation for the name of Jupiter or Zeus, they're the same god. Just different names depending on the origin (hense Roman/Greek).

This really should be a poll, but my last one was completely ignored. So I'm posting this one as a skit that no one has to participate in. Oh, by the way, the setting is a community bathhouse (like in Spirited Away).


	64. Screaming Hill

This is after my Case Closed binge. I also wrote a skit where Regal tells a horror mystery he made up on the spot, but it was too long . . .

Oh, and I can't_ stand_ anything that has to deal with horror. Doesn't matter how NON-scary it is it WILL scare me.

* * *

I tremble in my seat on the couch. My heart pounds as the main character in the movie Silent Hill carefully creeps around the army of headless undead nurses. The eerie steps echo around the ruined hospital hallway and the walls in my living room. I try to force myself to breathe, but I couldn't as I couldn't escape from the mounting tension.

One of the nurses move . . .

. . . and a sheet snatches my entire body.

"_KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!_"

Fur-Ump! My body collapses out of the sheet, off the couch, and into a dead faint.

Behind the couch, Lloyd, Genis, and Zelos stare at me in shock, completely forgetting about the sheet in their hands.

Lloyd finally gets his throat working. "I . . . I didn't think she would actually _faint_."

Genis goes, "It's . . . not even that scary of a movie . . ."

Zelos gets a thought in his head and says, "Aw, crap. The neighbors must've heard at least _that_. What the hell are we going to do when the police show up?"

"Er. Explain?" Genis answers.

Lloyd comments, "It's not going to be easy like this . . ."

Genis complains, "You're making it sound like bloody murder!"

Zelos notes, "It might as well have been with the way she screamed."


	65. DressUp Mayhem

Based off of Ruby-of-the-dragon's true story. After some quick pm's she suggested that I do a skit on how a stranger nearly got dressed like Lloyd by her mom.

I looked at the word "nearly" on the pm and thought "Nearly? What's this nearly crap? I'm going full scale!"

Enjoy! ^^

* * *

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

That would be her alarm clock. She cranes her head out from under the warm sheets of her bed and peers out at her alarm clock almost glaringly. She reaches her arm over the few inches that feel like a hundred miles and presses the alarm completely off. She's got enough time to snooze a little bit more . . .

Later though . . .

"Get up! It's morning already!"

That would be her mom. Aw, man. She doesn't want to get up yet . . .

Not thinking of the dire consequences, she weakly whines, "Nooooo . . . Five more minutes . . ."

Her mom just stares at her apathetically. Then she says, "Fine, but you know the rules. If you don't get up yourself and get dressed then I get to choose what you wear."

Damn. She forgot about that part. As she drudgingly forces her eyes open she hears her mom muttering to herself things such as "No . . . No . . . No, that won't do today . . . No . . . No . . ." Then she hears "Ah-hah!"

Her red jacket with the metallic buttons lands on her. She takes it and holds it up. Well, her favorite color _is_ red and it _is_ a really cool jacket.

"And how about those new jeans I got you?" the voice of her mom hidden in the closet calls as a pair of navy blue jeans lands next to the jacket. That's a problem . . . The jeans are a color of dark, dark, dark, dark, dark, _dark_ navy blue and that plus the jacket . . .

"And those nice red boots that I got you yesterday will match nicely!" comes a chirp as the said pair of boots flop at the foot of the bed.

"Mom!" she cries. Then she ducks as a leather-brown belt zooms past her ear. This isn't good! "Mom! Are you _trying_ to get me into an anime costume?"

Her mom comes out of the closet and stares at her blankly. Then she realizes what she has done. "Oh, well, honey, if that's the case . . ."

She sighs in relief.

". . . I'll just be right back with the rest of the costume."

Horror grips her throat, blocking a groan. Her friends are going to laugh so hard . . .

Her mom returns with another brown belt and two brown suspenders and sets them on the bed. She goes off and comes back with two swords from a Halloween oh-so-long-ago-that-it's-well-forgotten and two super-long strips of white cloth that come from God-knows-where.

Her mother smiles as she says, "I can safety pin the streamers to the back of the jacket's collar after you put on your clothes."

She groans as her head sinks into the covers. Today is going to be a long day . . .


	66. Yuan's View on Lloyd's First Escape

This will be after Lloyd and the rest escape from the Sylvarant Base after the Tower of Salvation.

* * *

"HOW?! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT HE GOT AWAY?!"

The Renegade foot soldier tries, "Well-Well they had that . . . _that_ thing. And they were fast. And they got rheairds and—"

"THEY WENT ALL OVER THIS DAMN BUILDING AND NONE OF YOU COULD MANAGE TO CATCH AT LEAST THE HALF-ELF KID!!!" Yuan screams. He coughs for a moment, clutching at his wounded side as Botta tells him to take it easy. Ignoring his second-in-command, Yuan continues his tirade, "I WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD IF YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO CATCH THE TETHA'ALLA ASSASSIN BUT YOU GOT OUTRUN BY A BUNCH OF KIDS!!! DAMN IT!! YOU AND A FEW OTHERS ALSO GOT BEATEN BY A MUSKRAT!!"

"It—," the foot soldier stammers. "It was like a summon spirit, sir! It was powerful! It—"

"WAS THE SIZE OF A MUSKRAT!! YOU GOT BEATEN BY SOMETHING THE SIZE OF A MUSKRAT!!"

The Renegade member cowers under the wrath of his leader.

And it goes on . . . "NOT ONLY THAT BUT THOSE SAME DAMN KIDS GOT AWAY WITH THE RHEAIRDS!!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YGGDRASILL FOUND _OUR_ RHEAIRDS FLYING THROUGH TETHA'ALLA?!? CAN YOU IMAGINE SOMETHING LIKE THAT IN YOUR PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A BRAIN?!?"

The foot soldier plucks up the courage to timidly peep out, "W-well, sir, if you were able then you could have easily caught them."

Yuan glares death at the subordinate. The man turns several shades of pale and whimpers in surrender. His boss growls, "Yes. I would have easily if I were able. Unfortunately, I'm not until someone gets here with a portable refresher or at least a first aid kit." He coughs again and blood drips out of his mouth. He mutters, "Dammit, Kratos. How many times must you get in my way . . . ?"

Another Renegade member rushes into the room and reports, "Sir! The stolen rheairds have crash landed on the Fuji Mountains!"

And they stand there, staring at Yuan.

Yuan glares at the two of them. "What the hell are you waiting for? An invitation?! _At least go make sure the rheairds are salvageable then wait there for me to arrive with further orders from me!_ GO!! GO!!"

The two flee.

Botta says, "Sir, I understand how their carelessness caused the group to escape but perhaps your reaction was . . . a bit . . . sharp . . . uh . . . sir . . ."

Silenced by the fierce glare from his leader, Botta warily watches Yuan for any sign for a safe escape.

Yuan snarls, "Obviously, you don't understand just how dire our situation got. Obviously, you don't know just how easily Kratos can find out what just happened and trace this to us. _Obviously_, you can't imagine how much danger we all are in because of all of our incompetence to capture and secure a simpleminded seventeen-year-old kid!"

Botta wishes he has a rock to hide under. "Sir? What are your orders for me?"

Yuan rumbles "Go supervise those inept fools since _obviously_ they don't know how to do their jobs and will ruin _this_ too."

"Yes, sir . . ." Botta flees the room.

Yuan growls as he bends over from the pain in his wound and his mental exhaustion. "Things are going to get crazy from this point onward. I can just feel it . . ."


	67. Run Back to the Hotel

I imagine that Regal's actually pretty popular in Altamira amongst his female employees.

* * *

In Altamira, Lloyd looks behind him and asks, "Regal, why are those bunny girls following us?"

"What?" Regal looks behind him. Sure enough there are bunny girls tailing after them with this predatory gleam in their eyes. Just seeing it is enough to give him nightmares.

Lloyd states, "They've been following us for a while now."

Regal faces forward and whispers "Run back to the hotel, Lloyd."

"Why?" he asks.

"Just do it!" Regal makes a run for it as fast as his legs can manage.

Hearing the instant thunder of high-heeled feet and deafening squealing, Lloyd chokes with panic and dread and dashes away from the mob as much as he can.


	68. Lights Are Out!

Ever sit in class when all of a sudden the power goes out?

* * *

Zelos concentrates on the final exam before him. Pass with a high mark and he'll graduate from the university in the Imperial Research Academy with flying colors, as is expected of the Chosen. When he passes, he'll finally be able to return home away from Sybak, "the City of No Brain Stimuli" as he calls it. How anyone can be inspired and do great works in a place like this, he'll never know.

Then, all of a sudden . . .

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzinnnnnn . . . . zzzziinn . . . zzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiii . . . .

The lights fade on and off, on and off and . . .

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiii . . . . . ZIT!!

The lights go off . . .

Students all around him scream and squeal while the professor at the front drops his forehead onto his desk in mental exasperation.

"Oh, Goddess! The lights are out!"

"Yippee!!! If this keeps up then no school!"

"ACK!! Who stepped on my foot?!"

"Mwa-ha-ha-hah! Behind you! A ghost!"

"EEEK! GHOST?! WHERE?!"

"Boo!"

"Sing! Dance! Cheer! The lights are out!"

Zelos sighs. "Shut up . . . The lights are just out. That's all."


	69. Kratos Aurion the Substitute from Hell

I was tempted to title this The Substitute from the Black Lagoon but the people from that place end up nice in the end. :3

* * *

Kratos pulls out Raine's lesson plans and proclaims, "Since Professor Raine is sick with the flu I will be substituting in her place."

Lloyd says to Genis, "Yeah, poor Professor . . ."

Genis nods.

Kratos snips, "Excuse me, did I give you permission to speak?"

Surprised by this, Lloyd goes, "But I was only—"

"No buts. You may only speak when I give you permission to speak. Is that clear?"

This cows him. "Yes . . ."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, sir."

Kratos opens the lesson plans. "Then we may continue." He examines what his before him. He pulls out one of the three papers in the plans and states, "It seems like Raine had a little surprise for all of you before starting the lesson: pop quiz."

Lloyd groans.

Kratos looks up. "Did I give you permission for that?"

"It was just a groan!"

"Did I give you permission to groan, moan, or even make a single sound?"

"No, sir."

"Very well, then. Don't make another sound." Kratos hands out the papers. "Besides, if you had studied then you wouldn't be in this position in the first place."

Lloyd almost groaned. Almost, but didn't.

As soon as Lloyd, Colette, and Genis were done, Kratos takes up the papers. He sets them in Raine's grading folder but stops when he sees Lloyd's. He hands it back saying, "Redo it."

"What?"

He states, "Did I not make myself clear? I'll rephrase that then. Fill the quiz out. Answer the questions. I don't care if they are wrong you will answer the questions on this paper."

Lloyd groans.

"Did I give you permission for that sound?"

"No, sir . . ."

When they finally reach the lesson Kratos takes out a pair of old glasses.

Colette goes, "Um, Professor Kratos?"

Kratos' face slightly twitches uncomfortably at the title. "Yes, Chosen One?"

"I didn't know you had glasses."

He replies, "They are for low-light reading or small text."

Genis mutters to himself, "As if. He just wears them because he's the sub . . ."

Kratos glares at the student. Genis flinches. Silence follows.

The substitute continues with the lesson. Lloyd, predictably, falls asleep.

Kratos stops and whips out Raine's chalkboard pointer and sharply raps the snoozing boy on the knuckles.

"OW!" Lloyd cries. "I'm awake!"

"Oh, really?" Kratos goes, "Then tell me at least one fact from the text I have just been lecturing on."

"Er . . . Well . . ."

"Come now," he prompts. "Surely you have been paying attention. After all, you just said that you were awake. What is one of the reasons why Hima is now such a small village today?"

In an attempt to save his friend, Genis answers, "One reason is because the trolls of the area moved closer to the village and most of the people moved out."

Kratos turns his stern gaze on Genis. "I'm sorry. I did not realize I was just asking you."

"Uh . . . Well . . ."

The mercenary narrows his eyes. "When I ask a question to a specific student, I expect that one student to answer. When that question is directed at you or all of you as a whole only then may you answer. Never should you answer for another student."

Lloyd protests "Wait a minute! That isn't fair!"

Kratos returns to Lloyd. "Fairness isn't part of this."

"Can't we vote on this?"

"Vote?"

Hope sparks to life in Lloyd. "Yeah! Like in a democracy!"

"Democracy?" Kratos turns his absolute full attention to Lloyd with his eyes blazing with authority. "Lloyd, in a classroom there is no such thing as a 'democracy.' Only dictatorship."

That spark of hope dies.

And so the lesson continues . . .


	70. Inn Surprises

Raine walks down the hall to Zelos' room. She needs to tell the Tetha'alla Chosen that the group will be leaving the inn in the morning. The teacher approaches his room and goes in.

"EEK!!!"

"ACK!!!"

"GAH!!! _Raine! Get out!_"

Raine flees the room and slams the door behind her. A humiliated blush floods her cheeks as she remembers that he was flirting with a certain maid a little more than he usually does with other women . . . She banishes the thought out as she dashes for her own room, making a mental note to tell him when he gets down for breakfast.


	71. I Choose You!

Turning his hat from twelve-o-clock to six-o-clock, Kratos winds his arm back and throws an ultra ball out calling, "I choose you! Moltres!"

When it hits the ground the ultra ball snaps open. A giant bird of brilliant fire and great power erupts out. It sweeps its gaze upon the miserable Elite Four pokemon just before raining a world of horror and pain upon the poor soul.

I wake up in the dead of night with a dazed faze in my eye. The faze clears and I realize just what I dreamed. I press my face against my pillow.

"Aw, man . . ." I moan. "That was a _weird_ dream . . ."

* * *

After a short exchange of private messages with The Quote Bandit we have created a mental image of Kratos decked out in Ash's old Kanto gear INCLUDING his old hat walking down Victory Road and capturing Moltres. Before you ask, this was in response to the second chapter of Protesting (Pokemon Crossover). It was stated that Kratos might have already caught the Moltres he saw and so it went from there.

This is cruel and unusual for me. Why? Cause I CAN'T DRAW ANIME!!! T.T Not even to save my life . . . This means that I can't draw Kratos in Ash's clothes. I'll have to leave it to the offchance of someone with a dA account reading this and having the inspiration of drawing this ridiculous image. And I can't do it myself . . . T.T


	72. Easy to Figure Out

This is based off a story a friend told me. She was actually told what Zelos will say by a guy and made a response similar to what Sheena will say.

The best material is usually based off of real accounts. Well, actually, this isn't one of my best but it's cute!

* * *

Sheena sighs. "I can't figure out guys . . ."

Zelos replies, "We guys are easy to figure out. All we need is to see something naked and have something to drink."

"Okay . . . There's a stray cat and here's a bottle of water."

Zelos frowns in exasperation. "Ha-ha, Sheena. You're very funny."


	73. Don't Ask Him to Sub!

Raine coughs. She runs a mild fever and feels chills as well as some difficulty breathing.

In other words, a cold.

She coughs again. Genis gently fusses "Raine, you should stay in bed."

"But I have a lesson coming up," his sister weakly protests.

Genis says, "No, Raine. You need your rest."

Lloyd really feels for his teacher, but he couldn't help but privately cheer. No lesson equals no homework.

Raine coughs and sniffs after the fit. "Well . . . Alright, Genis. Would you bring Kratos in here?"

Genis questions, "Why?"

"I need for him to sub for me again this time. He will need my lesson plans if he agrees to do this for me."

Lloyd and Genis snap their heads over to Kratos' direction (who is in the other room). He looks back at them observantly. Memories of the last time the mercenary subbed for the professor flood back to the two.

"PLEASE, SIS, GET WELL SOON!!"

"PROFESSOR! YOU CAN'T BE SICK NOW! WHAT DO YOU NEED TO GET BETTER QUICKLY?!"

"YOU DON'T NEED TO ASK HIM!! I'LL SUB FOR YOU!!"

"JUST PLEASE, PROFESSOR!! DON'T ASK HIM TO SUB FOR YOU!!"


	74. Coming Up With Ideas

I gaze at my ceiling as I contemplate what to write next for my Protesting Against Late Night Writers skits. I sigh as I, once again, come up with nothing.

"Mmmmm . . ." I groan. "I need to write something zesty, contradictory, can be somewhat original in plot, and totally wrong . . ."

Then it hits me! "I know! I'll do a Kratos Zelos yaoi!"

Flamberg and an ether sword flash out of the darkness behind me and press against my neck threateningly.

Two voices, both belonging to the redheads in question, snarl in union, "Don't even think about it."


	75. Designated Irony

The reverse of "Designated Babysitter." Do I think Kratos would/has taunted and mocked Yuan endlessly while he was falling in love with Martel? Yes. Do I think Yuan would get payback for that while Kratos was falling in love with Anna? Hell, yes!

* * *

Yuan enters the pub . . . and grins opportunistically. So _that's_ where Kratos has been since he and Anna had that spat. The half-elf goes up to the mercenary and sits down at the counter with him. As he lounges in the stool next to the human, he examines Kratos even as he regards the man with irony.

What was there to say? The dunce is a mess. Completely drunk and lost his edge and grace. He nurses a bottle of potion as he occasionally whimpers and growls.

"You," Yuan pleasantly says, "are an idiot."

"Wha' thah 'ell are _yoo_ doi'g herrrre?" Kratos snips with his slurred tongue.

Yuan conversationally comments, "Originally I was planning to have a potion and get back to the inn. Now, however, I better remain sober if Anna wants you getting back alive."

Kratos lowers his head in thought. "I w'ul' thin' Anna w'ul'n't wan' me alife . . ."

"Well, that _is_ negotiable." Yuan continues, "However, I know for a fact that Anna would be absolutely devastated if you got killed on the way back from here."

"Humph. Me? Ge' killed?" he growls, still not able to think clearly. "Isss _yoo_ tha' needs the babysi''ing . . ."

"I didn't say it would be on purpose," Yuan gleefully states. "At my so-called drunken rate, chances are that I'll end up killing you while I pay you back for every piece of mockery you made to me while I was falling in love with Martel."


	76. Reversed Positions

Yuan smirks. "Unbelievable. Kratos Aurion is actually falling head over heels in love."

"Shut up, Yuan."

He continues, "This is good news. I can finally pay you back for every single thing you have done to me while I fell in love with Martel."

"I said shut up, Yuan."

He ignores the man. "You are going to be amazed how much I remember. Like you did, I may even go so disgustingly far as to question Anna's virtue."

Kratos growls warningly, "I don't believe I catch your meaning."

"Shall I explain the birds and the bees?"

Kratos snatches Yuan's head and bangs his head against the wall so hard that he heard something break.

"Owwww!!" the half-elf howls with his shattered nose. "Wha' thah hell waz thad for?!"

Kratos replies, "I believe that was the same response you made after I questioned Martel's virtue."


	77. Haunting

Okay. I'll admit it. This is a bit of a bad joke. But it does have some taste!

* * *

Anna stands before him.

He knows it's a dream, but perhaps this is her ghost. At this point he isn't going to dismiss anything as fantasy.

"Anna . . ." he breathlessly utters.

Her face is of shocked disbelief. "Kratos . . . Why?"

"Forgive me . . . !" he cries.

Her expression doesn't change. "But still . . . Why?"

He chokes on his sob. "I didn't want to kill you! If I could, I would have changed what happened!"

Anna's face turns to confusion then casual frustration. "I'm not talking about that! I told you to do that so Lloyd could live! There's nothing to ask for forgiveness on that. What I'm asking about is why the hell you're wearing such a ridiculous get-up. You look like you were murdered by purple paint!"


	78. Pedestrians and Daydreams

Colette turns to their back (careful not to drop the unconscious convict in her arms) and asks "Did you hear that?"

Lloyd turns towards the direction she indicates into the darkness of the Gaorachia Forest. "Are the soldiers coming this way too?!"

Colette screws her face in concentration. "I don't know. It's a weird humming sound, like a machine . . . It's coming this way really fast."

Sheena states, "I'll send Corrine out to scout again."

With a puff of smoke, Corrine appears and Sheena says, "Colette hears something coming fast. We need you to go see what it is."

Corrine nods and zooms off without another word.

Genis moans, "Just one thing after another. How much more can we take?"

"_SHEENA!! EVERYONE!! GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!_"

Sheena looks back at Corrine who returns with panic. "What do you mea—?"

"_JUST GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!_" Corrine dashes up a tree and into the branches.

Colette glances over and panics too. Her pink wings flare out and she flies into the canopies with the convict who attacked them earlier. She shouts, "_RUN EVERYONE!!!_"

Then they hear it too. The humming of a large machine speeds their way followed by two bright lights.

And then they see it.

A black machine with two wheels rides their way. The rider seems to be either unaware of their presence or uncaring if they get ran over.

"_RUN!!!_" Sheena cries.

Everyone dashes out of the way and the speeding machine zips right past where they were just standing.

And crashes into a tree.

The rider is thrown back a long distance and lands near them. The blond spiky-haired man just stares into space stunned and blinks after a moment. He groans and clutches onto his head and tries to get up off the ground.

As the group get down out of their cover they hear the man mutter, "Wha . . . ? What happened? One moment I was . . . And I could have sworn I saw Aeris . . . What happened?"

Lloyd is the first to approach him. "You mean you didn't see us?! You could've killed us with that thing!"

The strange man wearing an insane amount of black looks around himself and regards everyone like they're a puzzle. Then he asks, "Just where am I?" Then he mutters so low that Colette had some trouble hearing, "I thought I was in the Sleeping Forest . . ."

Lloyd carps, "Just our luck. We find a guy who daydreams and nearly gets us killed in the process."

* * *

How the hell did Cloud avoid crashing his motorcycle into one of those glowing trees? I'd like to know.

Anyway, this is what happens when you dream about talking to dead people and drive. Apparently it's just as dangerous as drinking and driving.


	79. Creepy Stalker Yuan

"Hey, isn't it funny how that Yuan guy always shows up where we are?"

"Huh? Well, yeah, now that you mention it. Why suddenly bring this up, Zelos?"

"Don't you ever wonder why he's after you, Lloyd? I mean, he isn't after Colette who's the Chosen of Sylvarant. He's after _you_. I don't see why he would considering that there's not anything special about you."

"Gee, thanks, Zelos."

"Actually it is a very good question."

"Professor!"

"Think about it, Lloyd. There is no reasonable answer as to why Yuan would continuously pursue you. The situation is rather disturbing."

"Pretty creepy stalker if you ask me."

"I'll say."

"Ooooo, he's going to get you, Lloyd! Creepy stalker Yuan is going to get you!"

"Stop it, Zelos! Just drop it!"

"He's going to get you! And when he does he's going to rape you!"

"Wha?!"

"Honestly . . ."

"Professor! No! Don't leave me with this idiot!"

"He's a kiddy pusher, Lloyd! And you're his next target! Creepy stalker Yuan is going to molest you!"

"Zelos—"

Yuan turns off the microphone. Some things aren't worth listening to. Besides, the microphone suddenly _does_ seem creepy stalker to him now.

* * *

Heheheheh. Yuan really is creepy stalker. :3


	80. Nighttime Disruptions

I know this isn't a good start-up to a skit, but I've got to whine a bit.

School just--_JUST_--started and we had to get into groups in science and do rat dissection.

Then earlier this morning I put my shoes on and felt something crawl around in it on top of my foot. I took it out . . . _and there's a giant cricket!!!_ I swear they're everywhere! I even saw one on my bed the other night!

* * *

"You brute," Anna playfully growls.

"Absolutely," Kratos agrees as he pulls his wife's bra off her body and drops them onto the floor, easily doing all that from under the covers.

"You should be locked up for this," she teases as she nips at his ear.

"I already am," he comments. "In here with you."

She groans and then faux laments, "I've been thrown into the tiger's cage!"

"Hahahah." His hands slide down her back. "You are going to be eaten alive if you don't get out."

She smiles seductively. "But I plan to tame that tiger."

He grins hungrily. "You can try all you want."

Suddenly his face changes to horrified humiliation. Kratos whips the bed covers about to where they cover them both securely even as he returns to the other side of the bed and sits up to face something at the foot of the bed.

"It's late, Lloyd. You should be in bed."

"But I'm hungry."

"You ate seconds at dinner. How can you be hungry?"

"I don't know."

Anna flushes with humiliation. Their two-year-old is here?! How long has the toddler been in this room?! Did he see anything?! How are they going to explain this?! How did he get in the room in the first place?!

* * *

Married couples with kids would know this scene.


	81. Gang Up

What if Lloyd and the others could see those announcements like "Lloyd gained the title Eternal Apprentice"? (this particular title is gained if you use the wooden swords up til you beat Kilia. I assure you I have never gained it.)

* * *

Zelos walks up to Lloyd and states, "Lloyd, you need some serious help on your swordsmanship."

Lloyd narrows his eyes. "There's nothing wrong with my swordsmanship. Besides, I'm self-taught. What you might think is a mess-up isn't really a mess-up."

Zelos insists, "No, Lloyd. That's not it. You have some serious mistakes in your fighting style."

"I'm a pretty great swordsman! There's nothing wrong with my style, either! It's just different than yours!"

Zelos shakes his head. "That's not it. Besides, you're just an average swordsman."

Lloyd gained the title "Average Swordsman."

Lloyd shouts at the notice, "Stay out of this!"

Genis comes up and says, "Actually, Lloyd, as much as I hate to admit it, Zelos has a point. You need to clean up some things about the way you fight."

"Not you too!" Lloyd cries.

Genis snaps, "You nearly got yourself killed several times with a few of your moves!"

Lloyd declares, "No I didn't! Look, it's my problem and not yours so I'll fix something if I see something wrong."

Lloyd gained the title "Denial."

"You just shut up!" he snarls at the notice.

"It actually makes a fine point," Regal notes.

"No!" Lloyd goes. "Stop ganging up on me!"

Regal explains, "We are only worried about you, Lloyd."

Raine joins in, "Our only request is that you take a closer look at some of your fighting actions and make sure that you won't kill yourself the next time we battle a monster."

Lloyd snaps, "What am I? Eternal rookie?"

Lloyd gained the title "Eternal Rookie."

"You can't get three titles in one conversation!"

Lloyd gained the title "Non-Believer."

The red swordsman glares at the notice and stares defensively at Genis, Raine, Zelos, and Regal. Then he sighs.

"Fine. Fine. I'll take a look at my fighting moves," he surrenders. Silence follows Lloyd away.

When he gets out of earshot Zelos comments, "You know, that was pretty easy."

Regal agrees, "Indeed. I thought that this would take a while."

Raine mentions, "Lloyd can be very stubborn when it comes to his fighting style, but his quick agreement definitely was unusual."

Genis expresses, "He probably wasn't really up for a long argument."

Lloyd gained the title "Push Over."

* * *

"Average Swordsman" - He isn't good or bad. He's just average.

"Denial" - Even though the evidence piles up on him he still won't acknowledge the truth.

"Eternal Rookie" - Never improves . . .

"Non-Believer" - SHUN the non-believer! SHUN!

"Push Over" - He'll agree to anything. Just ask him.

OMG! 9k hits! This is amazing! Keep going! I want to get to 10k!


	82. Yuan's View on Lloyd's Second Escape

I never originally thought of making a sequal to "Yuan's View on Lloyd's First Escape" but tiger002 said he sensed a sequal and I thought . . . Well it does say "First" . . . And I did like writing it . . . Well why not make a sequal?

Not nearly as funny as the first but, hey, originals just have that zest in them that can't quite be replicated.

* * *

Yuan picks up the broken diamond trap. It definitely is absolutely, positively, completely, without a doubt, totally, entirely, and utterly ruined. A scrape and a footprint dent a vital part of the machine.

"Who assembled this thing?" he asks.

One of the Renegades behind him answers "That diamond trap was constructed by me, sir."

"YIEEP!!" The mechanic Renegade member ducks as the short cylinder-shaped contraption shoots through the air like a chakram and shatters into a million of metallic pieces against the boulder just behind his head.

"THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE DELICATE MACHINARY BUT IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO CAVE UNDER WHEN A SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL TRIPS ON IT!!! I SHOULD DEPROMOTE YOU ON THE SPOT!!!"

The mechanic whimpers, "I . . . I'm sorry, sir!"

Yuan stabs his finger at the members with the radio equipment. "AND ALL OF _YOU_!!!"

They cringe and tremble in fear.

"WHY DID ANY OF YOU NOT TELL ME THAT KRATOS WAS DAMN WELL COMING HERE?!?"

One timidly peeps, "H-he wasn't on the radar, sir—"

"HE CAME HERE BY FLYING!!! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE HE WAS NOT ON THE MANA RADAR?!? ISN'T IT SUPPOSED TO DETECT SENTIENT LIFE FORMS FROM MONSTERS TO ANGELS?!?"

Another one glances at the radar and stammers as he guesses, "I-I-I suppose th-that it isn't very good quality—"

"ISN'T VERY GOOD QUALITY?!? I SPECIFICALLY ORDERED THAT HIGH-GRADE MACHINARY BE CARRIED ALONG WITH US!!! THIS IS NOT ONLY CARELESS BUT ALSO VIOLATING ORDERS!!!"

Botta arrives on the peak of the Fuji Mountains and states, "Sir! There is a matter that requires your attention at the Flanoir base!"

Yuan turns and heads to the slopes downward. He warns, "This is just the beginning for all of you! Just you wait until I can get a hold of each and every one of you!"

Then he leaves.

One of the Renegades sighs, "Thank you, Botta! We owe you for that."

Botta replies, "You're welcome. I promise Yuan will not be in a mood for yelling by the time he can call you back. He would have taken his anger out on the problem over there by then."


	83. It's Alive!

This is based off a scene from an old eighties or early ninties movie called Better Off Dead. Hysterical. Watch it sometime.

I should also probably add that stalking newspaper kid from the same movie. That'd be funny. "_Two dollars! I want my two dollars!_"

* * *

"Tell me, Genis," Regal warily asks, "just how 'creative' does your sister get with cooking?"

Raine merrily trots over with plates. "Alright, everyone! Eat up!"

Genis regards his set plate with caution while Regal gawks at how horrible it looks.

"Very creative," the boy answers.

Regal gulps in fear. It's far too late to escape now. Regal brings his shuddering fork over the unidentifiable blob and pokes it lightly to test it. He turns to Genis and questions, "What do you suppose this is?"

Genis doesn't answer. He's too busy gawking at Regal's plate.

Regal braces himself and looks. His food is moving! It slowly creeps off his plate like a slug and, much like a slug, leaves a trail of ooze in its wake.

Genis goes, "Wow! It actually came to life! Raine must have been _extra _creative today."


	84. Time For Bed

_Sheena looks over. "What are you doing wearing my bra?!"_

_Zelos glances down at the giant bra he is oh-so-obviously wearing and implies, "I'm not wearing it. I'm just . . . holding it against myself."_

I gulp down another dose of Dr. Pepper trying to keep myself awake and quiet at 1:08 a.m. I gotta . . . finish . . . another . . . skit . . .

Zelos mysteriously appears out of nowhere, reads my skit, and takes over the mouse saying, "Time for someone to get to bed . . ."

* * *

It's way too late at night for this . . .

Gee, I haven't posted a Late Night Writer's skit in a while, haven't I?


	85. My Precious

Even after three new chapters here I still don't get to my 10k goal just yet . . .

Anyway, this is based off the fact that I just _love_ M&Ms. They're my favorite candy now. I'm like a chocoholic. So combined that with the Lord of the Rings . . .

* * *

All of them sit in a Palmacosta Academy classroom for study for the upcoming test that Genis has been challenged to. While Raine helps Genis review and Lloyd, Colette, and Kratos study over material (because they've been drafted into taking the said test) I myself just sit to the side (next to Lloyd) watching them for perhaps a good skit for my fanfic series. In the meantime, I'm eating a package of M&Ms.

I had spilled the entire package out before me and started plucking each little chocolate pill into my mouth one at a time. I admit that it was rather fun drawing out eating them while protecting my stash from the red glove that occasionally tries to sneak an M&M away from me. Eventually, though, the glove finally got close one too many times.

"Lloyd," I calmly say, "has it ever occurred to you that I might not want to share?"

"Yeah," he replies, waiting for my hand to lower its guard.

I add on, "Has it also ever occurred to you that I might not allow you to take an M&M?"

"Yeah."

"Has it even occurred to you that taking a candy without my permission will be stealing?"

"So?" he goes. "It's just an M&M."

I sigh as I lean closer to my chocolates. "You don't get it." I gather my hoard and smile fondly at them. "My obsession over these little candies has reached beyond the point of unreasonable. You see . . . they're mine. Mine . . ."

Then I add for effect with a scratchy voice, "My _precious_ . . ."

Clearly disturbed, Lloyd gathers his things and moves to the chair on the other side of Colette. When seated he scoots to the farthest edge of the chair away from me. I toss more M&Ms into my mouth as I fight the onslaught of snickers erupting in me.

Raine, who couldn't help but notice the exchange that just happened ten feet from her, notes, "Very effective method, albeit strange."

That just worsened my laughter restraint.


	86. The Sorting Hat

Lloyd picks up the old large hat from the shelf and says, "This is the Sorting Hat from that Harry Potter series, right?"

Presea looks at it and goes, "I guess so. I wonder what house we would all be in."

Genis guesses, "I know Raine and I would be in Ravenclaw. Colette's more of a kind and loyal person so I guess she would be in Hufflepuff. I'm not really sure about the others, though. They're kind of mixed in with the others."

Presea thinks for a moment and replies, "Sheena is kind and loyal but also very brave. She would be in Griffindor. Regal . . . He could be Ravenclaw but he might also be Hufflepuff . . . or maybe Griffindor . . . uh . . ."

Lloyd states, "Ravenclaw, but I'm not too sure . . ."

Genis adds, "Zelos would definitely be in Slytherin."

Lloyd defends, "No he wouldn't! He would be in Griffindor!"

Genis ignores Lloyd and turns to Presea. "Presea, you would be in Griffindor."

Presea looks doubtful. "I'm not too sure. I think I would be more of a Hufflepuff."

"No way!" Genis protests. "You would be in Griffindor for sure!"

Lloyd suggests, "Why don't we all try on the Sorting Hat and see? Then we'll know for sure. I'll try it on first to see if it works for us."

Genis teases with a skeptical tone, "You're a bit of an idiot. I don't think it'll be able to sort you."

"Just you wait! I'll be Griffindor for sure!" he snaps as he yanks the hat on his head.

A small voice in his ear moans, "Definitely Griffindor. Though he is brave, yes, but, oh god, he's such an idiot . . ."

In rage, Lloyd rips off the hat snarling, "Stupid hat! You didn't have to say _that!_"

* * *

This is what happens when I start rereading Harry Pottor. Maybe you'll see some other crossover stuff since I'm just a really big fan of J.K. Rowling. It all depends on impulse.

Here's a nice question for all of you, which house do you see each of the playable characters being in? I triple-dog dare every one of you to give me an answer!


	87. Surprise Visit

I have reached 10k hits . . . That is _SO_ cool!

On the last skit with the Sorting Hat, it looks like that people agree with the most absoluteness about Lloyd being a Griffindor, Colette being a Hufflepuff, and Raine being a Ravenclaw. There was controversy on the others.

* * *

Lloyd finds Zelos in the bleachers of the football field. "What are you doing here?"

He points at the practicing marching band. "I'm watching happy practice."

Lloyd looks out to the only flutist (or band member) with red hair. "Does she know you're here?"

"Nope," is the answer. "Not yet, anyway."

Zelos stands up and calls out my name. He waves at me.

In my surprise to see Zelos, I trip on the Astroturf field and land on the flute player unfortunate enough to be next to me.

"Ahahahah!" Zelos laughs. "I was hoping she would just notice me now."

* * *

Yes, I am in my school's band. I (as you can tell) play the flute. For our theme this year for competition we're doing a storm theme called Super Cell.


	88. Lloyd Makes a One Hundred

Raine grades paper after paper and finally reaches Lloyd's. She sighs, knowing that she was going to be disappointed in her student's work. Again. She picks up her red pen knowing that it would have to be brandished for this tedious labor.

Meanwhile, Lloyd (as well as the rest of the class) watches with keen interest as the red pen descends upon the paper, but it holds in midair just above the paper itself. The red pen shifts to the next question without leaving a mark. Then it moves again without leaving a mark again, and again, and again, and again and again and again and again. In fact, it looks like Lloyd . . . didn't miss . . . a single problem . . .

Raine snatches the paper off her desk and stands at her desk (sending her chair flying back) and shouts, "My students! A miracle has occurred! Lloyd Irving made a one hundred on his homework!"

Lloyd puffs out in pride as his fellow classmates jump up out of their chairs and cheer for him. Colette rushes over and hugs him as she tells him "Wow, Lloyd! You did it! You made a one hundred! I knew you could!" Genis stares at Lloyd as if the impossible happened and his expression is way too priceless for Lloyd to ever forget.

That is when Lloyd Irving knew—just _knew_—that this was the start of the best day of his school life . . .

Then he wakes up.

He sits up in his bed groaning as he realizes that he's not at school being cheered on by the entire class for making an A+ but rather in his own bedroom on a school day with unfinished homework (as he just then remembers).

"I thought it was too good to be true . . ." he ruefully mutters.

* * *

In my mind, this takes place before Colette's sixteenth birthday (which is when the oracle comes to her. if you don't believe me then play through the beginning again and see).


	89. The Evolving Wonder

I contemplate about Noishe and his amazing canine-shaped species. I halfway gnaw on the eraser end of my pencil with halfhearted touches as my mind wanders about.

Let's see . . . His kind's life begins with single-cell form and changes to fish to lizard or bird (I forget which is next) to definitely being a bird to a dog shape to a human form. As said in the game, a protozoan (whose names strangely match that of an illness-causing life form) evolves throughout their very, very, very, very, _very_ long lives.

Knowing that I have to save my mind from worthless daydreaming, I reach for my gameboy intending to kill my brain over pokemon. Maybe I can finally get that damn zubat to evolve into—

Protozoans evolve. Pokemon evolve.

Noishe is a pokemon.

"Ahahahah!" I laugh, "Oh, that's rich! How come I didn't see _that_ one before?"

* * *

This has nothing to do with the skit (it speaks for itself), but I'm thinking about doing an entire fic on pokemon. It's basically the yellow version trainer being a rocket and takes place a few years after he joins. Obviously it's based off the yellow version game instead of the dust-old manga that everyone seems to have forgotten (the one that inspired the games in the fisrt place).


	90. Patience

Anna leans on her knees in exhaustion. "Whew . . . That's hard work!"

Kratos expresses, "At least we were able to pay for our stay here."

"By tending to the horses in the House of Salvation? Every single one of them, even the guests?" Anna sighs. It's backbreaking."

Then a question strikes her and she asks, "By the way, who's watching the baby while we work?"

"Yuan is."

"What?!" Anna squawks. "Are you crazy?! What were you thinking, leaving Lloyd to Yuan's tender care?!"

Kratos just replies, "It isn't as if he is going to be taking care of Lloyd from dawn till dusk. Besides, Yuan isn't the kind of person who would harm a child. If you doubt me then look over there."

Anna looks in the direction her husband points in, and bursts out laughing. "He must have the patience of a saint! Poor man! Ahahahahahahah . . ."

Kratos quickly turns that way. He snorts in merry amusement. It's so strange and hysterical to see a man like Yuan trying to retrieve his long hair from the child's stubborn grasp without harming the babe. A nice, fierce scowl carves the agitated man's face.

". . . hahahahah! I guess we have to save him, huh," Anna goes.

Kratos grins. "It looks like he's fine. We can check to make sure we got every part of the stables first."

"But I really want to watch this!" Anna playfully protests.

Her husband goes back into the stables while he responds, "We can see it perfectly fine from here. Meanwhile, we can make sure we have done a good job to pay off our stay. There is enough time."

"After all," Kratos adds with a smirk, "Yuan does have the patience of a saint."

* * *

There is a very good reason why some women get rid of dangly earings and cut their hair after their baby is born. FYI, babies have very strong grips.


	91. Reminiscence

An elderly woman glances over and spots a man with feathery red hair, pale skin, and a strong statue. She remembers old fantasies and smiles as she approaches the man.

"Excuse me." The man turns and looks at her. The old woman delightfully exclaims, "Oh you really _do_ look like him!"

"Who?" he asks with puzzlement.

She states, "This man that I always fancied when I was a young girl. He looks just like you. If I didn't know better then I would've thought that you were him. How silly of me!"

Then she realizes how she sounds. "Oh, I am so sorry. Please pardon me and my ways. I was just reminiscing a bit back to my younger days. It's just that you look so much like that handsome man!"

He just smiles politely. "I can understand."

In the distance, a young lady with brown hair calls out as she approaches the two. The elderly woman can't help but admire the girl and praise her fortune when she sees the girl stop at the man's side and the man wrap an arm around the girl.

The old woman coos, "My, my, my, aren't you lucky?"

The young lady raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean, ma'am?"

"I mean that you're so lucky to have this young man!" she chirps. "He looks so much like another man that I dreamed of nabbing myself when I was younger. You two take good care of each other." Then she realizes the time. "Oh! Look at me! I've kept you two for too long. I better get going. Have a nice day!" She waves as she leaves.

The elderly woman has bad hearing so she didn't hear the young lady growl at her husband. "Kratoooossss!"

Nor did she hear the young man defend himself. "Anna, you know that I don't dally with women! I don't think I ever even met her! Don't judge me for what women I unknowingly attract over the years! If you do you will have four thousand years worth to judge me by!"

* * *

Must be hard when you're semi-immortal and people recognize you even after fifty years or so. X3


	92. Taking Turns

You know, one of my favorite topics is Kratos and Anna. I just noticed how often I write about them . . .

* * *

Anna watches her husband hold their infant a short way away and can't help but feel the tender feelings that come with loving them so much. She swears it's at moments like these that she feels the best. After all, feeling rage and fury isn't as fun as she makes it look. Anna would trade fiery for loving any da—

"EEK!" she squawks.

"Hee hee hee," a disgusting male voice chuckles behind her. "Pretty lady, aren't you?"

Anna whips around and snatches the man's shirt to yank him low off his feet. "_Why you—!!!_"

A wail pierces her sentence short. Anna looks off toward the cry of her child and finds Kratos trying to calm the baby, but also coming toward her and the man with an angry gleam in his eye.

When he reaches her he asks, "It's your turn, but I can take care of Lloyd while you handle the likes of him if you want."

Anna sighs, but doesn't release her hold. "No. I'll take my turn. Besides, I can't be the only one to have some fun."

She trades the man's shirt collar for her weeping babe and cradles him at a safe distance where she can watch her husband.

Kratos grins evilly at the man. "I saw you touching my wife."

The man gulps. "Your wife?"

"That's right," he says. "My wife." And the carnage begins.


	93. Smiles Back

Kratos asks Colette, "How well does Raine cook? So far only you or I have cooked the meals so I wouldn't know."

Colette's continuous smile falters. "Well . . . Professor Raine is . . . a creative cook as Genis puts it."

Kratos notes the falter with creeping fear. He glances at her efforts and uses his greatest effort of discipline to restrain the shudder. No façade is going to fool anyone with this cooking. He's going to have to taste it . . .

"Dinner is ready!" Raine chirps. She hands them both plates of fish. Kratos didn't dare look.

Colette, however, did dare to look. Her face drops into a disturbed stare.

Worried, Kratos goes, "What is it, Chosen One?"

A pause. Then . . . "Is my fish supposed to smile back?"

If there ever was a time when the inability to become hungry became a true blessing it is now. Kratos glances warily at Colette's fish and shudders. It _is_ smiling back! He doesn't know about the rest of the world, but to him, there is something disconcerting about your food smiling back at you just before and while you're eating it.

Kratos wishes Noishe is with him, but he doubts that Noishe would have even looked at their fish, let alone eat them.

* * *

Anyone remember the goldfish snack catch phrase? "The snack that smiles back! Goldfish." It always struck me as funny ever since I've heard it. XD


	94. The Wanted Poster's Approval

Anyone remember the wanted poster? ;)

Oh, and I think I misspelled Forcystus' name like I did with Altamira at first . . .

* * *

"Lord Forcystus! I have the wanted poster in hand!" cheers a Desian footman as he marches into Forcystus' office.

Forcystus holds out his hand to take the paper as he says, "Give it to me. I hope it matches Lloyd Irving's profile perfectly." He takes it from the chirpy Desian.

The said Desian proclaims "It does, sir! Absolutely! And I should know: I drew it myself!"

Forcystus is stunned into silence at the illustration.

The "artist" loudly states, "We'll have Lloyd Irving caught and arrested in no time with this image!"

The only response is bewildered hush.

"So, my lord," he goes, "what do you think? Shall I print it?"

Forcystus only manages to look up at him in frozen shock.

The Desian snaps his fingers in triumph. "Of course you want me to! I knew you would be amazed at my artistic skills! I'll print it off right away!"

With that the soldier snatches the paper away and dashes—almost skips—his way out of the room.

Several moments pass in quiet as Forcystus' mind recoils from what he saw. He blinks when he regains himself and realizes just what happened.

He leans onto his desk and moans, "I'm going to be a laughing stock for this . . ."


	95. Seeing the Competition

Yuan sneaks to the Triet inn where the Chosen's group is staying. Normally his business is to assassinate the Chosen before she reaches the Tower of Salvation. However, it has come to light that Lloyd Irving—Lloyd Irving, Kratos and Anna's son!—is alive and well. How convenient that the boy chose to travel with the very traceable Chosen. He really doesn't want to use an innocent to force Kratos to release Origin's seal, but it's the only way Origin can be released short of directly killing the man, and that has too many risks for that option. Yuan turns a corner and—

Huh?

A poster catches his eye. He just looks at it and notices that it's the Desians' wanted poster for the boy. The quality is so terrible . . .

Yuan starts to chuckle and snicker. It's such a horrible picture that, if he hadn't seen Lloyd himself, he wouldn't have been able to recognize the boy with this illustration.

"Heheheh . . ." he softly laughs. "I'll get Lloyd before the Desians do for sure at this rate."


	96. Looks Familiar

The stuff from "What do you mean he looks familiar?" to "Well, now. So you're that_ boy_ with the Exsphere." is all stuff that I basically copied and paste from the old self-insert that I couldn't bear to expose to the light of day. The comedy is just fine (in fact they're part of the root of Protesting) but the plot . . . it's horribly cliched . . .

Skit number ninty-six. 96, ppl! Just this and four more till 100! The problem is what am I going to do for it . . . Any suggestions?

* * *

As Magnius recovers from the Demon Fang attack that this random human kid sent at him, one of the lackeys he brought along goes, "I think kid looks a bit familiar . . ."

"What do you mean he looks familiar?" Magnius snarls.

The same Desian soldier says, "Well, I think I saw something like his face somewhere . . ." He digs through his bag and pulls out a poster. He opens it up and squints at it while criticizing the quality of the illustration. The said Desian beckons a friend to come over to help. They scrutinize it and the boy for a short period of time, cursing the illustrator.

Finally, the Desians see through the crappy illustration. "_You! _You're wanted criminal number 0074: Lloyd Irving!"

Magnius smirks. "Well, now. So you're that _boy_ with the Exsphere."

Lloyd moans, "Aw, man! Not that crappy wanted poster again!"


	97. Talk Like A Pirate

Okay . . . The derivative of f(x) equals negative two . . . Answer is zero. "Y" equals "x" to the power of eight . . . The answer is eight "x" to the power of seven . . . To think that AP Calculus is _already_ giving me a headache.

"Shiver me timbers! What arrre ye doing?"

Oh, god . . .

I glance up at Lloyd who's wearing his pirate outfit. "I'm not in the mood to play Lloyd. Go away."

"That's _Captain_ Lloyd to ye, ya scallywag!" he teasingly exclaims. "An' ye'll be givin' me that paper so tah let the captain see eet."

He reaches for the paper and I yank it away. "Leave off, Lloyd. It's homework."

"_Captain_ Lloyd," he emphasizes. "An' is eet howm'ork from the lassie Professor Sage?"

His language gets on my final nerve. "For god's sake, I know it's National Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day, but if you're going to celebrate then don't do it around me when I'm doing calculus homework!"

* * *

Four more skits to go!

Yes, National Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day really does exist in the U.S. It's just not a big holiday like Christmas or Easter or even Memorial Day or Labor Day. Look it up yourself and you'll see that it exists.

Oh, and I had to post this a day earlier due to the fact that I won't be able to post it on the actual day. National Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day is on September 19th.


	98. Selling the Zelos Statue

They stare at the statue of Zelos that has its face withdrawn away from whatever it is that it's trying to protect itself from with its arms shielding its face. Meanwhile, Raine is fumbling through the first aid kit.

"If we don't have any panacea bottles," Lloyd asks, "then how are we going to carry him around? Stone statues are _really_ heavy!"

Colette comments, "I'll carry him. I had no problems with carrying Regal around while he was unconscious when we were heading to Mizuho." Regal looks away at that, embarrassed from the mental image of the girlish Chosen easily carrying his large form at such a long distance.

Sheena notes, "I don't think that his weight is going to be the problem. Zelos is going to be a handful stuck like this."

Genis says, "There's nothing to worry about that. I'm sure Raine has a panacea bottle in her first aid kit."

Now relaxed, Sheena smirks as she remembers, "Though his expression was pretty hysterical just before that basilisk turned him to stone. Absolutely priceless, and it's still stuck like that!"

Lloyd laughs. He mimics Zelos' last moments before turning to stone, flinging his arms in front of his head while his face desperately turns away. "'Not the face!' Ahahahahah! I'm never going to be able to forget this!"

Genis gets an idea and slyly comments, "Well, we've been a bit short on gald lately. If Zelos' petrify is a hopeless case then we can just sell him off."

Sheena catches on and goes, "Yeah, we can! It's a really good statue all the way to the details and is such a unique posture. I bet we could get a lot off of him."

Lloyd turns to Sheena and protests, "We can't just do that!"

"Well, what else can we do with him?" Sheena half-winks to Lloyd. "We can't exactly cart him around everywhere."

Lloyd finally realizes what's going on and supportively says, "Oh, I see what you're saying. Think we can sell him at Altamira?"

Concerned, Presea goes up to Raine and asks, "Professor, are they really going to sell Zelos away?"

Raine pulls out a panacea bottle. "No, Presea. They are just teasing him."

Presea tilts her head in confusion. "What would the point be when he can't even hear them?"

"Oh, he can hear them just fine," Raine states. "He just can't see that they're only teasing him."


	99. Kratty Don't!

"Hey, Kratos," Lloyd asks, "what kind of family do you have? Did you have brothers or sisters?"

"That's quite a personal question, Lloyd," Kratos states.

"Um, well—"

"I don't mind answering that," he interrupts. "It is just that I was never on good terms with most of my relations. I lived mostly with my mother."

Lloyd looks at Kratos with curiosity.

Kratos sighs. "It was my father and my younger brother that I never got along with. Maybe I could have gotten along better with my brother if he did not act like a brat and he were nicknamed anything other than 'Minime' by my idiot of a father."

"'Minime'? That's—"

"Weird. I know. My father was egotistical and loved to have a child that resembled him perfectly," Kratos' tone turns bitter. "Being around the two was taxing enough."

"Taxing," Lloyd goes. "How?"

The obnoxious memories return to Kratos.

"_Minime loves chocolate. Kratty don't!"_

"_What? I like chocolate fine, it's just—"_

"_Kratty don't!"_

"_Oh, well, this is very familiar. I know what my next line is: um, WILL YOU STOP?!?"_

"_Howareyadoin'?"_

"_Wha—?"_

"_Howareyadoin'?"_

"_I don't under—"_

"_Howareyadoin'?"_

"_Honestly, isn't this—?"_

"_How bout you don't. Ladies and gentlemen, Kratty don't."_

* * *

"How bout you don't. Ladies and gentlemen, Scotty don't." I _LOVE _that scene. Absolutely LOVE it. Who here can't appreciate some good Austin Powers comedy?


	100. Feeling Old

This is my 100th skit, pplz! This fic was first posted at June and it's now September. Think I can get another 100 by January?

11 favs, 8 watches, some over 12,000 hits, and round about 180 reviews.

No writer is anything without their readers. I never thought I'd get this far. Thank you very much!

* * *

"Kratooos . . ." Anna coos.

"No, it's not," he answers.

"Lloyd," she goes, "do you know what special day it is today?"

The three-year-old cheers "Daddy's birthday!"

Anna grins with her innocent-yet-evil grin. "That's right! Happy birthday, Mr. Over-the-Hill! Mr. Lordy-Lordy-Look-Who's-Four-Thousand-One-Hundred-And-Forty! Mr. Dust-Bag! Mr.—"

"I get the point!" he snarls.

His wife leans towards him and whispers in a kindly manner, "Makes you feel _old_, doesn't it?"

Kratos scowls. "You married the 'dust bag', remember?"

Anna laughs. "Don't worry! I have no problems taking care of you when you're back in diapers. I may forget to buy you your prune juice but I'll always remember how delicate your old teeth are. I'll even buy you your first dentures! You'll never be moved into a nursing home because I'll always be there to take care of your tired bones. I will be the most loving young wife an old wrinkled pedophile can have!"

He loves her. So. Very. Much. Which is why he won't shove his sword. Down. Her. Skinny. _Throat!_

Kratos buries his face in his hand and growls at that wife and the world. When will he ever stop feeling so old? . . .

* * *

Who's to say Kratos isn't 4140 (which I did for rhyming). No one really knows how old Kratos exactly is. Just because he's stuck at 28 doesn't mean he's 4028 exactly.

Oh, and if you think Edward Cullen and Bella Swan have a criminal age difference (about 100 years) it's NOTHING compared to Kratos and Anna's. XD

He should have to go from door to door forced to explain why federal court is making him explain to the neighbors why he has a sign in his yard. XD


	101. Polly

"Lloyd," Colette goes, "will you feed Father's new parrot?"

Lloyd looks over at the giant parrot in the cage next to the wall. "Uh . . . Sure. Why not?"

Colette retrieves the bird feed and some crackers and hands them to Lloyd, saying "Be sure to feed him a cracker or two before you open his cage. He warms up to strangers better that way."

Lloyd comments, "Okay. What's his name, anyway?"

"Polly," she answers just before she skips away.

Lloyd watches her go up the stairs before approaching the impossibly huge parrot. He sets the bird feed down and hands a cracker to the bars, careful not to expose his fingers to the bird.

The massive parrot looks at his hand and chirps "Polly wanna finger!"

Lloyd jerks his hand back.

* * *

This was inspired by a The Far Side cartoon by Gary Larson. I love those comics so much! XD


	102. Assaultive Defense

"Icicle!"

A giant stalagmite of ice shoots up at Magnius, leaving a fine trail of ripped cloth and a thin red line where it barely hit.

Magnius glares at it in shock and snarls at the kid who cast the spell. The Desian leader swings his massive ax behind him for a vertical slash down towards the boy.

"You disgusting little VERMI—_UGH!!!_"

A flying white boot's heel slams into his face and downs the Cardinal to the ground as a furious silver-white-haired healer completely assaults him in boundless rage. Raine continues to thrash the giant half-elf with powerful kicks even while he's down.

"DON'T—YOU—DARE—THREATEN—MY—BROTHER!!!"

After a long moment of silence from the rest of the group Genis is the one who works up the courage to mutter ". . . Well, that takes care of Magnius, doesn't it?"

* * *

When I was brousing through deviantART one time I saw a picture of Raine jumpkicking Yggdrasill square in the face. The artist's note commented on if Raine had such ass-kicking martial arts then why didn't she ever use them in battle? (answer: cause the game programers wanted to keep it simple.)

So with a little imagination, I applied it here! :3

And doesn't Magnius' overuse of the word "vermin" ever get on anyone's nerves? How many times does he use it in the game, anyway? Anyone willing to count?


	103. Harboring Grudges

* * *

I write on my notebook as I watch Lloyd and the rest interact with each other during their lunch break. I myself munch on one of the sandwiches that are being passed around for lunch (_thank you Genis!_).

I hear someone approach and I look up after setting down my sandwich. "Hi, Sheena." I notice she looks frustrated. "Uhhh . . . What's up?"

"I read your first self-insert," she states.

I tell her, "You know I'm not ever going to post that."

"I know," Sheena says. "It's just that there are still some things I need to pay you back for."

"Like what?" I demand.

Her façade is ripped away and I finally see her fury. "Let's start with the I.U.S. and end with the part where I fall into the geyser at the Water Seal."

Uh-oh. I get off from cross-legged sitting and move into a squatting position to brace myself for a good run. "Insects of Unusual Sizes don't typically eat people. You know full and well that someone else of that group slipped a piece of meat into your kimono when you were first attacking Colette. And the last one was for comedy."

"_The I.U.S. scared me half to death and the geyser was HOT!! And those are only TWO things I have against you!!_"

I gently counter with "Besides, since I'm not going to post it then it didn't happen." Her expression denies it. "Uh, doesn't happen, right? Right?"

Her expression doesn't change.

I set my stuff down and stand up. I point in a random direction. "This would be my cue to start running, isn't it?"

"Yeah," she grits through her clinched teeth. "It is."

That's when I take off running.

"_YOU'LL PAY FOR WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH!!!_" I hear her shout as she chases after me.

* * *

The I.U.S. are based off the R.U.S. (rodents of unusual sizes) from The Princess Bride. Very nice book and very nice story.

Some of the things in my old self-insert (that I never posted) are certainly worth getting some payback for. Same goes for a lot of the things in other self-inserts on this website.


	104. Questionable Speed

So this snail goes to the car salesman and says "I wanna buy a new car."

Car salesman: "Okay, what kind of car?"

Snail: "I want a little car with a big letter 'S' on the side."

Car salesman: "Why?"

Snail: "Because when I drive by I want people to point and go 'Look at that little s car go!"

(A snail is often nicknamed "little s car" from what I hear.)

**Edit: escar (pronounced s-car and I don't know how to spell it) is the French name for a snail . . . In the form of the well-known meal like how we call pig pork when we eat it. Just got the information.**

* * *

My only thought right now is _Wow! Sheena's really mad!_ I didn't think she'd be _that_ upset over what she goes through in my crappy self-insert. It's not like I posted it or anything, but—_man!_—she's furious! Sheena's starting to gain some ground, but it's a steady process, thank God for that.

"_How?!_" she screams at me. "_How the hell did you randomly get so fast?!_"

Good question. I'm a sloth compared to her.

I hold my hand out for her to see (while still running) and point at the displayed back of my hand. I shout back "Random Cruxis Crystal!"

"_What?!_" she squawks. "Even you won't do something that clichéd!"

"I think I just _did_, little 's' car!"

"_That does it!_" The ninja speeds up.

I curse to myself, "Damn! I shouldn't have said that! What was I thinking?"


	105. Little Tattle

"Ow! Ow! OW!" Yuan cries as Kratos dabs in the rubbing alcohol.

"Quit whining," Kratos snips. "You practically asked for it."

"How was I supposed to know the skinny whelp could wipe the floor with my face?" the half-elf snaps. "Besides, he was begging for a fight when he insulted my mother like that."

Kratos soaks the little cotton ball with extra alcohol and presses it against one of Yuan's numerous wounds, bringing out a satisfying howl of pain. Kratos lectures, "Call-ons like that are common to the point of being hackneyed. You should know better."

Yuan growls, "Fine! Just make sure Martel and Mithos don't find out how that scrawny twerp handed me back my ass. If anyone asks, it was a brawny sailor, and there were twelve of them."

". . . It's a little too late for that."

Yuan follows Kratos' stare and finds Mithos at the door with a huge mocking smirk on his face. Mithos runs out calling "Martel! You won't believe what I just found out!"

Yuan grits through his teeth, "Think Martel would mind becoming an only child very soon?"

* * *

Everyone can act like an idiot in their youth. I don't think Yuan is excluded at all.


	106. Pop Goes the Weasel

Anna picks up one of Lloyd's birthday presents and scrutinizes it. It's a little box with a loose handle on it that can turn. She knows exactly what it is; it's just that she isn't sure her father should have given the one-year-old a toy like this.

She turns the little handle. The first verse of "Pop Goes the Weasel" plays with the pace of the handle. Anna smiles absently and quietly sings along with it.

". . . The monkey chased the weasel . . ."

Anna really hopes Kratos doesn't suddenly come in . . .

". . . The monkey thought it was all in good fun . . ."

The music stops. Anna frowns and tries to get it to start up again. No response. She puts her face closer to it and—

POP!

"ACK!"


	107. Sent Flying

Zelos sneaks up behind Sheena . . . and gropes both her breasts.

THUCK!

"GAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhh . . ."

Genis calculates, "She sent him flying twenty-five feet."

Lloyd awes, "Wow! That's a new record!"


	108. Reasons Why He Critisizes

Kratos advises, "Lloyd, you need to control your swings a bit more."

Lloyd carps "You always criticize every little thing that I do."

The mercenary frowns. "There are reasons why I tell you these things."

"There always are!" Lloyd storms off.

"I wouldn't go that way if I were you," Kratos comments.

"Watch me!" Lloyd keeps going, and then . . .

"AAHHH!!"

He falls into a hole.

Kratos shakes his head. He looks back in the direction of the hidden pit and replies "See what I mean?"


	109. Raine's Field Day

Raine admires, "So you are two of the Kharlan War heroes."

Kratos goes, "Yes, that's right."

Yuan just nods with an "M-hm."

"Fascinating!" Then the professor exclaims "You both MUST tell me the history of that time all the way down to the very last detail!"

Kratos shouts "Run, Yuan!"

Yuan resounds "I get it!"

Raine chases after them. "Come back here right now!"


	110. High Flying

Lloyd goes "I bet you can fly really high now."

Colette chirps, "Yep! Watch this."

"Wait, Colette—!" cries Raine, but too late! Colette flies higher, and higher, and higher.

The wind blows. Colette falls lower, and lower, and lower. Water splashes in the nearby river she crashes into.

Raine finishes her unheard warning, "Wind travels faster at higher altitudes . . ."

* * *

Least this is a fact that I've heard . . . Not too sure about it.


	111. Open the Pickle Jar

Got a story from the life of happy ametuer . . . (real name taken out because I don't want to share it on the internet)

Dad: Hey, happy, smell in here.

Me: . . . *sniff sniff* AUGH!! What _is_ that?!

Dad: Smells like stinky socks and rotten cheese, huh?

Me: Yeah. What did you put in there?

Dad: Beutric acid. ^^

Me: 0.o (typical dad . . .)

* * *

Genis pulls out the pickle jar (the recipe requires it as a side) and twists the top. It turns a little and stops. He frowns and tries again. This time it feels like it's stuck. Genis tries again with all his strength but it doesn't even budge.

Lloyd sees and comes up to him. "Hey, what's wrong, Genis? You look pretty frustrated."

"I can't get this pickle jar to open," grunts the kid.

"Here, let me try." Lloyd takes the jar and twists the lid. Doesn't even move. Lloyd furrows his brow and twists with a little more force. Then he tries again with all his strength, and again, and again, and again.

This time, Zelos comes over. "Hand it over. Let a real man open it." He pries it out of Lloyd's rebellious hands (offended at the words "a real man") and twists the top with casual force. Zelos frowns at its immobility. He bangs the lid against the counter next to him and tries again. No luck. Zelos gives it another continuous go.

Regal walks to them. "Here. I'll open it." Zelos sighs and reluctantly hands it over. Regal takes it and tries to open the jar with a little more power than normal, thinking that it's impossibly stuck. Regal scowls slightly at it in confusion.

Presea goes to them. She offers, "I will try."

Regal regards her with some doubt but hands the pickle jar over to her. Presea takes it and examines the label. After that she twists the lid with a good amount of strength, and it opens with a pop.

She hands it back to them saying, "It was made in the southern hemisphere of Tethe'alla. It opens the other way." With that, she walks away as the four stare at her.

* * *

And they lost all confidence as men . . . (^^)


	112. A Drunk Cricket

Anna picks up her long-finished wine glass she forgot about so she can clean it. She spots something and peers into the glass. The woman grimaces.

"What is it?" her husband asks.

She responds "There's a cricket in my old wine glass."

"Is it still alive?" Kratos wonders as he comes over to look.

"No," Anna replies as she picks it out. She stares at it begrudgingly for a moment, cursing it for putting dead-bug-taint on her glass. Then, her eyes get wide and she bursts out into a huge grin.

Kratos stares at her curiously. "Pray tell what's so amusing."

"I was wrong. It's still alive," she chirps. "It's just really drunk."

"A drunk cricket," he says. "Now I really have seen it all."

* * *

Based off a true story only with an old wine glass of a friend's mom (who as refined tastes). I witnessed it firsthand.


	113. Popularity is Such a Burden

I found this picture on deviantART where Cloud's door is knocked at the Haunted Inn at the Gold Saucer (ff7 fans know what I'm talking about) and every character who can visit you at that point (Aeris, Tifa, Yuffie, Barret) are all there and Cloud's going "That does it! I'm never being nice to anyone ever again!"

This is based off of that logic. ^^

* * *

Lloyd watches the snow of Flanoir fall down to the ground. Still, his worries won't leave him alone. How could Kratos really be his dad? What did Anna—Lloyd's own mother!—see in him? Mithos is actually Yggdrasill?! How long did Yuan plan that sabotage? Is Kratos' connection to Lloyd the real reason why Yuan hunted him down for so long? Is Altessa going to be okay? Can Tabitha ever be fixed again? Did the others suspect anything about this? If they did then how long? Everything is so confusing now . . .

"What are you doing here?"

Lloyd turns to the door at the muffled question.

"What am I doing here? What are _you_ doing here, Colette?"

"And I can ask you two both the same question."

"Now, now, Sheena. Don't get snippy with Colette and Brat—"

"My name's _Genis_, thank you very much!"

"Genis, you don't need to be so loud. Other people in this inn are trying to sleep."

"Raine!"

"Ah! The wickedly gorgeous professor is here! Right you are about that; except why aren't you sleeping yourself or going to Altessa."

"I have important business with Lloyd. Please step aside."

"I hope it can wait then, because I, too, have something important to speak with Lloyd with."

"Regal?!"

"Remember what you said to me, sis?"

"You are all loud. Why isn't anyone going to Altessa or at least sleeping?"

"Ah! Pr-Presea! Right! That's a really good point! Uh, why are you here?"

"I need to talk to Lloyd about something."

"Wow! This is kind of strange and cool at the same time! . . . Who is going to talk to Lloyd first?"

Silence at Colette's innocent question. Then arguing bursts out at once.

"I'm his best friend! I'll go first!"

"I'm his best friend too! Since before we even met you! I'll go."

"No you are not! I'm his teacher! I'll go!"

"You can't even talk to him like a buddy would! Besides, Lloyd and I have more in common. I can understand him more—"

"_You?_ A woman from Mizuho? Give me a break. I can speak to him man-to-man _and_ we're about the same age."

"Does that fact really matter when he will need an older and wiser mentor to speak with about what happened at Altessa's home? As the oldest I should speak with him."

"In that case then I should go next considering that, even though I look about eleven or twelve, I'm actually twenty-eight."

That is the point where all the arguing just mixed together . . .

Lloyd finally gathers his few remaining wits about him and opens the door. There is a hush as everyone—_everyone_—of the entire group turns to him in a stare even in the tangle that they got themselves in.

Colette is the first to speak in the embarrassment. "Uh . . . Hi, Lloyd."

He continues to gawk at them. "Uh . . . Hi . . . What are all of you doing?"

Regal answers that hesitantly, ". . . We . . . all need to speak with you."

Lloyd's shocked staring falters for a moment. "Okay . . . Just let me get my coat."

"O . . . Okay," goes Sheena.

After a moment or two the group's patience gives out.

"What's taking him?" Zelos carps.

Raine informs, "It doesn't take this long to get a coat. Lloyd is doing something else."

Presea marches to the door. "I will check on him." She opens it and—"He's gone!"

Genis grouses, "He escaped!"

"He totally gave us the slip!" Sheena snarls.

"I cannot see why not when we were all crowding the door like this," Regal notes.

"So you're saying it's our fault?!"

"I fully agree with him! If all of you would have just let me go first . . ."

And it goes on . . .


	114. The Aurion Family Curse

"I see," Kratos says. "So that is how you escaped all of them."

"Yeah! I can't believe them!" Lloyd complains. "Crowding around my door like that. Shouldn't some of them be with Altessa?! What's with them?!"

Kratos sighs and looks away.

Lloyd looks at him and goes, "What is it?"

Kratos hesitantly glances back at him. "I'm afraid you have inherited the family curse . . ."

"Family curse?" Lloyd quotes warily.

The mercenary nods, shaking off loose snow that accumulated in his feathery hair. "Yes. The curse of obsessive popularity. It has haunted everyone in the Aurion family. Being my son, you of course would be burdened with this as well."

"How did you handle it?" the boy asks.

Kratos remembers, "When I was young I had obsessive good friends like you do now. It became such a problem that I took on a more cryptic and withdrawn persona to get them to take a step away from me. Instead of the results I wanted, I ended up trading obsessive good friends for obsessive fan girls."

Lloyd smacks his hand to his forehead and groans.

"And fan boys."

Lloyd groans again.

He continues, "Eventually I joined Mithos thinking that it would be a temporary relief to the never-ending onslaught of fans, and it was . . . Just not as long as I hoped."

Lloyd utters, "It must have been more of a curse for you than anyone else."

"You have no idea," mutters the red-haired man. "I would trade my position for yours any day any time."

Lloyd goes, "I'll keep my obsessive friends, thank you . . ."

* * *

This would be the Kratos ending minus Zelos dying.


	115. Sick and Twisted Nightmare

Lots of times ppl like to comment on my author notes. Like the last skit about the Zelos dying ending. Is what I say that interesting or that controversial?

* * *

"GYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

The entire party jumps and draws their weapons in reflex. Seeing nothing wrong except the fact that Zelos is weeping—_Zelos is weeping!_—they ease their guard and turn to the Tethe'allan Chosen.

"Zelos! What happened?" Lloyd goes.

Zelos sobs, "I-I-I just had th-the worst nightmare in my life!"

Some of the group of eight grumble and get back to their bed rolls. The rest (like Lloyd) are too curious to dismiss this and get back to their beds.

Lloyd grumbles a little but asks, "What was so terrible about it?"

Zelos explains, "I . . . I dreamed that I was sick and went to get checked up. The doctor came into the room and . . . and he told me . . . he told me . . ."

Getting a little impatient (partially due to being rudely waken up at such a late hour), Lloyd prompts, "Yeah? What is it?"

". . . He told me that I slept with too many women and got genital herpes!"

* * *

Although I can't say about no one ever posting anything like this, I guarantee that there is at least one person other than me who had this cross their mind.

Oh, and a weird fact is that a cold sore is also herpes. Just . . . not . . . genital.

I better stop before this gets too weird . . . 0.o


	116. Sir Bud

If I post my still-under-construction self-insert then ppl are going to look at it only because of the weird sense of humor that I display here. I promise that it'll have_ nothing_ to do with my writing abilities and everything to do with my sense of humor. Proof? Look at my romance fic.

Okay, I'm done venting . . . Sorry about that. *sweatdrop*

* * *

Sebastian walks up to Lloyd and states, "Miss Sage requests your presence in the main hall, Sir Bud."

Lloyd frowns. "My name's Lloyd, not 'Bud,' and what does the professor need me for?"

The butler answers, "I believe she is gathering her students for a lesson and had some difficulty finding you. She insists that you make haste, Sir Bud."

"Okay, okay, I'll hurry." Then Lloyd adds, "And, again, my name is Lloyd, not Bud."

"Of course, Sir Bud."

Lloyd refrains from growling. "Look, my name is Lloyd, not Bud. Can you just call me by my name instead of Bud?"

"Miss Sage is waiting, Sir Bud."

"Ugh! Never mind." Lloyd marches off.

Zelos, who so happened to be close by, expresses to Sebastian, "I'm surprised that you still find that amusing."

Sebastian turns to the Chosen with a slight grin. "Right now I'm seeing how long it takes for him to realize that I am teasing him."

"That's going to get really old for you," Zelos comments.

Sebastian replies, "Not as long as Sir Lloyd keeps reacting like this."


	117. Derris Kharlan's Stand Up Comedy

I am officially in a better mood than last time. I figure that the ppl who look at this is a completely different audience than the ones looking at my other fics.

Besides that, I feel really chirpy today! Almost like Colette chirpy! (with a side of annoy-Colette-haters)

* * *

Angels of Derris Kharlan surround the observatory plate snickering and chortling down at it. Kratos enters the room and scowls.

"What are all of you doing?!" he snarls.

There is a hush as seventeen pairs of eyes whip to him and stare with guilty horror.

Kratos scolds, "I thought I told each and every one of you that the observatory plate is not some means to watch Lloyd and his group for entertainment. Get out of here! Every one of you leave! This is not stand-up comedy!"

They flee from their superior. Kratos stalks them out and closes the door behind them. He turns back to the observatory plate and goes to it. He watches it for a moment then bends over it, peering into the mirror-like object at the eight-some group.

"Heheheheheheh . . ."


	118. Childhood of Spiders

Lloyd slowly opens his eyes to the morning. He sighs as his brain starts waking up and considers going back to sleep—

There . . . is a spider . . . on his face . . . It's on his face . . . and it's not moving . . . and its super-long legs are really creepy looking . . . And it's on his face . . . It's not moving . . .

He hears someone open the door and approach one of the other beds. As the figure (obviously one of his companions) ruffles through the bags, Lloyd grunts, "There's a spider on my face . . ."

"On your face?"

Sounds like Kratos. Lloyd says with a near plea, "Get it off me . . . !"

Lloyd hears the mercenary approach. When he stops Lloyd sees the man pass the huge spider with the weird legs. Kratos smiles and snorts, "It's just a daddy long legs. It can't hurt you."

"Just get it off . . . !"

Kratos just scoops the spider off the boy's face and holds it in his hand. As Lloyd scrambles off the bed Kratos goes, "There wasn't any reason to be afraid. While it is the most venomous spider on the continent, its mouth is too small to puncture even the thinnest part of a person's skin. Besides, they have gentle dispositions."

"Whatever. It was on my face and spiders shouldn't ever be on my face."

Kratos places the daddy long legs on his arm and watches with amused interest as the spider crawls down his arm. "It is the truth. When I was Genis' age I used to pick these up all the time and play with them. I would hold them in my hand or let them crawl around me . . ."

"That's enough," Lloyd insists.

"Sometimes if I found enough long legs I would collect them and have them just sit on my shoulders," he reminiscently adds.

"Okay! I get it! I just don't like spiders!" Lloyd marches out the door trying to keep himself from remembering the spider that was on his face.

Kratos watches the empty doorway Lloyd left through for a moment, and then snorts. "Humph. Chicken."

* * *

The childhood Kratos described would belong to my grandmother, who I believe is slightly insane (figuratively). She seriously would play with daddy long legs and they are the North American continent's most venomous spider (even though they can't bite us).


	119. Loudly Painful

Lloyd watches Dirk handle the heavy hot metal as his foster father instructs him on the hows of whatever it is they're doing.

"Now when you take the metal out you must be careful not to overbalance your weight with it," the dwarf teaches. Then he offers Lloyd the metal, "Here, you take a try."

Lloyd grabs the extra set of pinchers and clamps onto the large clump of metal and pulls it out . . . and overbalances himself. Lloyd loses stability and accidentally drops the metal on his foot.

"_NNNNNYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_"

In Iselia, Colette whips in the direction of the sound and cries, "What was that?!"

In Palmacosta, Cacao whirls towards the sea as her daughter Chocolate goes, "What just happened?! Did someone fall off one of the ships?!"

In the Asgard human ranch, Kvar pauses at the cry for a moment and says to himself, "That didn't sound like one of my captives. Hmm . . . I wonder what that was."

In Meltokio, Sheena was backing Zelos into a corner for sneaking into her bathroom to watch her bathe when that piercing howl echoes to them. It takes her off guard for a moment and Zelos snatches his chance for escape. The ninja snaps her head back to the Chosen and chases after him shouting, "GET BACK HERE!! I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!!"

In the Sybak, Kate and the other researchers look up at the noise but dismiss it and get back to work.

In Ozette, Vharley the Exsphere broker glances away from Presea but turns back to her commanding, ". . . then I want you to take this batch of sacred wood to Altamira."

In Derris Kharlan, Kratos and Yggdrasill look towards a direction in curiosity. Yggdrasill narrows his eyes and Kratos dismisses himself and heads towards the portal muttering, "That was rather random. I wonder who got hurt . . ."

Back at Dirk's home, Lloyd is rushed away from the oven and given immediate first aid care. Once the problem is under control, Dirk scolds, "I told you not to overbalance yourself!"

Lloyd whines in his pain, "I get it already . . ."

* * *

This would be a lot better as a visual. I think I got the Exsphere broker's name wrong . . .

**Edit: I corrected my spelling errors so Sybac is now Sybak and Vharley has his name spelled right.**


	120. Part of the Programming

What if they knew they're part of a game?

* * *

Genis presents the dishes to everyone, but with a gravity that can't be missed. "Well," he goes, "I made dinner . . . but the recipe when made by me has soy in it."

Everyone stills into hush then turns to Zelos, whose eyes are wide with shock and horror.

"But . . ." Zelos utters, "But we don't have to eat it, right? I mean, I know it's all a game but we still get to choose some things, right?"

Genis turns downcast. "I'm sorry. What the player orders is what the player gets. It's part of the programming."

"Colette didn't eat anything during the regeneration journey!" cries Zelos.

Colette glances away before she says "That . . . That was part of the programming too . . ."

An awkward moment of silence . . .

"This is so wrong . . ." the Tethe'allan Chosen goes. "I'm allergic to soy . . . !"

Genis still can't look at him. "I'm sorry Zelos."

"_Fatally allergic!_"

Raine points out, "While this dish will affect you, you won't die from eating it. In fact, depending on what the player chooses, you may or may not die at all."

"This is so wrong . . ." the ill-fated guy mutters. "Just revive me after this, okay?"

Silence.

"Let me guess," Zelos grimly states, "we ran out of life bottles."

"And gels . . ." Lloyd adds.

Raine sadly inserts, "I didn't have enough magic since the last battle to revive anyone. We will have to settle with an inn."

Zelos curses, "Out of all the players for Tales of Symphonia, _we_ get saddled with a noob who can't play efficiently enough to keep its characters alive . . ."

"Zelos. The dinner . . ." Genis regretfully reminds.

"Man . . ." the Chosen mumbles.


	121. Ran Away Again

This is a fun poke for Crulloyd fans. I'd think that they'll find this amusing and pretty true. ^^ I certainly do think this would happen if ToS was initially a crulloyd.

* * *

Kratos glares at the note on the table as he realizes that he will have to hunt for his runaway son. Again. He knows that Lloyd will make this round more difficult than the last. Again. They were lucky to find the boy last time he snuck off Derris Kharlan. It took two months for anyone to find even a glimpse of him. In the end it took Kratos _and_ Yuan _and _seven legions of angels to corner him in the vast Gaorachia Forest. Even then they had to tie and gag the rebellious teen to keep him from escaping. Again.

_You will all have to break both my legs to drag me back in this hell hole._

Simple enough note. Rather tempting to turn to reality in his opinion at this very moment.

"Are we going to leave him be and ambush him, my lord?" asks the angel messenger who told him that Lloyd ran away. Again.

"Absolutely not." The last time they did that he got suspicious and hid in Meltokio, blending with the mass of people. Kratos informs, "We are going to give him a wild goose chase and then ambush him when he feels that he finally escaped us. Go gather the team . . ."

"Yes, my lord." The messenger leaves.

Kratos sighs. Of all times for him to run away it would have to be now when the Chosen of Sylvarant is soon to receive the oracle. Hopefully he ran off to Tethe'alla. If not then things could get complicated . . .


	122. Tenebrae's Names

I stare at the centurion of darkness in curiosity. "So," I say, "you're 'Tenebie.'"

Tenebrae sighs. He corrects me with "My name is Tenebrae. I would very much appreciate it if you would call me by my real name and not develop Colette's habit of calling me 'Tenebie.'"

"Alright." Then, after a moment of silence, I begin a list of similar sounding things, "Tenedor, tenemos . . ."

Tenebrae sighs again. "It never ends, does it?"

* * *

Those are the only two words I know that start with "tene". ^^ Both are Spanish and I know one is "we have" while the other one I'm not too sure about (I think it means "fork" like what you eat with). Correct me if I'm wrong. Plus, I DARE you all to come up with more words! :3


	123. Bad Fic Seizure

"_Professor!!_" Lloyd cries as he bursts into the room.

"Lloyd!" Raine snaps up out of her seat. "What happened?!"

"_Regal's having a seizure!!_"

"Take me to him!" she orders. They run madly down the hall and squeal into a halt inside the computer room. As soon as she sees Regal on the floor she dives down to him and immediately administers treatment.

"What is the cause of this?" the healer shouts hastily.

Lloyd answers, "It was a bad fanfic, Professor! I told him not to read it but he said that he couldn't stop himself!"

A gleam in her eye appears. "The infamous lure of bad fanfic. So it happens again . . . What was the fiction?"

"It was a yaoi of horrible writing quality!" the boy woefully accounts.

"Hideous! Which pairing?"

"Kratos-Regal!"

Raine gasps for a moment. Then she picks up her pace as she curses, "Of all the yaoi pairings Regal could have read about himself . . ." Her face zips to Lloyd and she demands, "_What are you doing?! Turn off the computer! We don't need it harming our chances of reviving him! The trauma will be bad enough to alleviate!_"

* * *

Don't worry. He comes out fine (Regal that is). This is actually based off me seeing one of the reviews here that contains the information that there are father/son yaois. Kratos/Lloyd yaois. Seriously disturbing.

Originally I planned to have me accidentally read a bad Kratos/Lloyd yaoi and go through this but it didn't turn out good. Way too long and had too much plot detail (can u imagine? Protesting getting PLOT?!).


	124. Cosplay Source

I open the fancy closet in the master bedroom in the mansion and grin. I reach for one of the three pink and white outfits, straining on my tippy-toes for the highly hung clothes. Meantime, I wonder why Zelos has to have his clothes so high. (Then again I'm just five foot two while he's about a foot taller than me.)

"You know," says a voice behind me, "it's not cool to secretly borrow someone else's clothes even for a short amount of time spent at that Akon convention. Not cool at all."

I freeze guiltily and slowly turn around. Zelos stares at me with a casual sternness. I lower flat on my feet and walk out warily, hoping that he won't shout at me or something. I be sure to close the door behind me.

After the door shuts Zelos releases a puff of air and closes the closet. As he does so he mutters, "I should probably take this as a warning sign and lock up my clothes and warn the others. With Halloween and anime conventions coming up and people wanting to prepare for other conventions, they'll be trying to steal these expensive outfits. I should get tough locks, too. After all, not all of them are as easily discouraged as happy ametuer."

* * *

Akon isn't until end of summer (I'm going to the 2010 Akon) but I really do need a costume (which is what this skit is based off of). I searched and searched and I could only find a place to buy a Zelos costume for $169. Not really cool to buy it as it is to make it . . .

If anyone has any information as to how to handmake a Zelos costume or where some good left-brain (like cosplaying for dummies) instructions is that doesn't really involve digging through tons of forums, please, let me know. Otherwise, I'm stuck with my mom's old drill team outfit (that looks like a sailor girl suit).


	125. Somebody's Bundle of Joy

As the baby Lloyd sits in his father's lap in complete bliss his mother coos, "Awww. He is so cute! I just want to eat him up!"

Kratos just ignores the last part and smiles down at his son.

Anna adds, "Too bad he isn't going to stay this cute forever."

To tease her, Kratos goes, "I just simply don't believe that. Give me one good example."

She replies with a bitter, dry tone, "Here's one: I'm sure Kvar was _somebody's_ little bundle of joy before he learned how to talk . . ."

* * *

I just love the irony in this.

Btw, I went on a total txting frenzy last night with a friend and discovered how to do the zelos costume. Turns out that the only thing that I'll have to make from scratch is the exsphere and his pink coat. As for the wig . . . I'm not buying one. Why buy one when I can just grow my hair out? It's red after all.


	126. Chicken Phobia

Into the life of happy ametuer: texting a friend:

friend (major pokefan): OOO! OOO! You should totally do lugia's song on the flute!

me: huh? lugia? . . . Oh! Lugia! I thought I read Luigi . . .

friend: lol! wow. ur out of it today. so will u do it?

me: sure sure. i didn't know that lugia has a song.

me: Oh! LUGIA! I thought that was latias or latios for a moment there.

friend: lol! slow person! u really r out of it.

sinuses were torturing me at that time . . .

* * *

There they are. Clucking everywhere. Everywhere. Those disgusting creatures.

As the others fawn over the wretched things, Genis keeps himself a considerable distance away from the pen. His sister stands with him offering support. Not for what he feels, but for his hurting pride. Why? Why did he have to suffer under such a thing as this?

Lloyd bends down into the chicken pen and picks a white fowl and presents it to his friend. "Hey, Genis! Don't you want to look at them? Come on, join us!"

Genis clutches his sister's shirt a little tighter, eyeing the domestic bird held in Lloyd's hands. "No thanks. I'm fine here."

Lloyd comes closer, along with the chicken. "Aw, come on, Genis. It's not like they will peck you or anything."

Genis shrinks away. "W-well, you n-ne-never know . . ."

Lloyd comes closer with the clucking thing in his hands.

"K-keep it away from me!" the boy cries.

Raine steps in between a confused Lloyd and a timid Genis. "Genis has a relatively moderate degree of chicken phobia. Please put the chicken back in its pen."

Lloyd blinks in surprise and does what he's told. When he comes back he looks rather embarrassed and slightly put out. "Sorry, Genis. I didn't know."

Genis comes from behind his sister. "It's alright. I . . . I didn't want anyone to know. I'm really embarrassed about it."

"Why?" Lloyd asks. "It's not like we're going to tease you about it. Colette, Sheena, and I aren't like that, Presea isn't the type, and Regal is too mature to do that."

"I know," he points out. "I'm not worried about all of you. It's Zelos. I really think he's going to tease me mercilessly if he ever finds out."

"Ah. I see." Then Lloyd promises, "Don't worry. I won't ever tell Zelos."

"Tell me what?"

A silent gasp and the three shift their view to the side. There . . . is Zelos. He watches them with a mischievous grin as if all his demented dreams came true at that very moment.

"What is it that you don't want to tell me?" he asks. "That Genis has a chicken phobia?"

Genis gulps.

Zelos saunters over crowing, "Well that's just too bad, huh? We need to cure you of that, and I know just the thing!"

As Lloyd and Raine crowd in front of Genis, the boy cries, "Ah! No! Keep away from me!"

* * *

I actually know someone with severe chicken phobia. It's only funny when she's joking with us.

By the way, I couldn't find the correct name for chicken phobia. I know duck phobia (anadaephobia) but that's it with fowls . . .


	127. Fail Video

Lloyd stares at Zelos for a confused moment and asks, "Zelos, what are you doing with that camera?"

Zelos focuses the lenses on Lloyd. "I'm trying to make a fail video."

"Fail video?"

He explains, "A video where someone does some stupid trick and ends up getting hurt." Then he sighs and turns the camera off. "But it doesn't look like I'm going to get anything today."

"Yeah, yeah," Lloyd dismissively comments as he turns away. He unsheathes his sword without thinking and tosses it into the air with a twirl. It comes down to the earth and the hilt hits Lloyd square on the head.

"OW!!" he cries as he and the sword topple to the ground.

Zelos fumbles with his camera as he hurries to turn it back on. "Do that again, Lloyd! My camera was off."


	128. Happy Ametuer's Real Name

Genis clears his throat. He stares down the reader with an intent glint in his eye.

"Everyone," he says, "I have an important announcement to make. I know happy ametuer's real name and I'm going to tell each and every one of you."

"Her name is—"

"None of anyone's business," I interrupt. I glare at Genis warningly as I stop the skit he made.

* * *

As if I'll let my name get on the internet. :P


	129. Other Choices

Anna sits in the chair next to her husband and asks, "Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you made different choices?"

"You already know the answer to that question," he replies.

"Well?" she insists.

Kratos pauses as he regards her and answers with "My life as it could have been would be nonexistent considering my current unnatural age."

Anna smirks. "That's right; you're an old windbag."

"I might have also married someone else."

"What?" she squawks.

He points out, "If I wasn't in the position that I was in when Mithos, Yuan, and I created Cruxis then I would have lived a normal life. This would mean that I would have lived differently, continued my occupation as a mercenary like before I met Mithos, and, yes, perhaps marry someone else."

"Like hell you would!" Anna snaps.

Kratos grins. "I love it when you're jealous."


	130. Series of Cards

Sheena pulls out a set of cards with pictures resembling ink splatters on them and says to Zelos, "I'm going to show you a series of pictures and you're going to tell me what you see."

"Alright," he agrees.

With each card he responds with one word. "Breasts, boobs, melons, jugs, boulders, boobies, tits, balloons, cantaloupes, titties, hooters, squishies."

Trying to remain calm and professional, Sheena grits out, "Now I'm going to show you this series of pictures again and this time you're going to pay attention to the cards instead of staring at my chest."

* * *

Zelos got away with sexual harrassment. He really wasn't staring at her breasts; he was purposely tormenting her to pay her back for having him psycologically analyzed (minor level of torment paid with minor level of torment). I kinda find it funny that Sheena didn't get that.


	131. Why Genis Makes His Halloween Costumes

Genis sits at his desk as he sketches out a costume plan on a paper. Colette watches him for a moment and finally asks, "Why are you making a costume this year, Genis?"

He answers, "The costume I want isn't on sale."

She wonders, "Why don't you let the professor make your costume?"

Genis groans. "Just because Raine can stitch clothes back together doesn't mean she can make them. Remember that pirate costume that was so horrible that I bagged my face?"

"Yeah."

"Raine made that costume."

* * *

Yes, I am doing Halloween skits this early (not early to me but . . .). I've got more on the way. ^^


	132. Zelos' Costume Ideas

Zelos goes up to Sheena and says, "I have a great idea for costumes."

Sheena eyes him suspiciously, but takes the bait, "What is it?"

"You can be Bella Swan and I can be Edward Cullen."

Sheena snorts. "You know I'm anti-Twilight."

Zelos replies, "Then we can go as Sookie and Bill from that True Blood thing or you as a Greek princess and me as Zeus, if you catch my drift."

Sheena blushes. "I think I'll pass."


	133. Alicia's Costume

Regal looks up from his office desk and shudders. "Alicia, why are you wearing the bunny girl uniform?"

Alicia's brightness chimes, "It's Halloween, Regal. Don't you remember? So for Altamira's week-long Halloween festivities I'm putting on a bunny girl costume! Isn't it cute?"

Regal frowns. "Alicia, I beg that you not take offense, but I disagree that it's cute. Please remember my history with the female staff members who usually don that uniform."

Alicia frowns as she realizes what he means. "Oh, I'm sorry, Regal. I'll go change into something else. I didn't think it would scare you that much."

* * *

That_ would_ be the costume that scares Regal.

I know this doesn't relate to the fic, but I tried to read the 83rd chapter of Two Worlds Combined at school (where I get my only reliable source of internet). All the other chapters got on fine, but this one? Nooooooooo . . . No, it HAD to be blocked! It HAD to! Guess which filter got it? _The pornography filter!_ Unless there is a new technique for making pictures via text (which I doubt) I don't see how this should be blocked.

Unless it was the ad. _CURSE YOU AD!!!!!_


	134. Renegade Halloween Party

I'm having a blast with Halloween. Let's see what happens when Christmas runs around. ^^

By the way, this fic is getting pretty popular, isn't it? Each time I post I get an instant 200 hits or so on average. I'm really psyched about it. I didn't think that ppl would actually like my strange sense of humor.

On a different note, I'm thinking about hosting a drawing contest on this fic. Draw your favorite fic and the winner gets to decide what the topics are going to be for a number of skits. Only, I don't know if that's arrogant of me or what . . . So I'm putting up a poll to see. It'll be on my profile. Be sure to vote if you want your opinion to count. Last time I posted a poll I only got 6 votes total.

* * *

Yuan enters the commons area of the Tethe'alla base and halts in shock.

"What are all of you doing?!" he squawks.

Everywhere in the commons are Renegade members climbing ladders, hanging ornaments, sprinkling orange and black glitter, setting up refreshment tables, and placing black out lights. One member who so happens to be walking by with a gigantic box almost overflowing with spooky-themed paper streamers answers his question with all happy casualness, "We're decorating for the Halloween party, sir!"

Yuan grinds his teeth.

Out of oblivious concern, the said Renegade member comments, "You shouldn't do that to your teeth, sir. It wears them down."

Yuan finally snaps.

"_STOP! STOP! ALL OF YOU!!_"

Everyone halts in their progress and stares at their leader. One member was even so staggered and startled by his leader's shouting that he even lost his balance and fell off the ladder he was climbing on (not that Yuan cares—he's fine, anyway).

Yuan is practically steaming. "_You!_" he points in that general direction. "Put those decorations away! _You!_ Put up those black lights! _You!_ Get those refreshments back to the kitchen! _AND THE REST OF YOU!_ Start cleaning up this mess! _NOW!_"

The Renegade with the overstuffed box next to Yuan stumbles on his words, "B-b-bu-buwah-bu-but . . . We've really been looking forward to this party . . . !"

"_I don't care!_" Yuan hisses. "You're all supposed to be _working_! Clean up this mess and—!"

Then he spots Botta . . . with a Halloween-themed party hat on. He gawks at his second-in-command before glaring death and hell upon the man, motivating Botta to slowly take off the cone-shaped party hat. Yuan snorts and whips back to the door with his cape swishing behind him in a menacing fashion.

"I'm severely _pissed_ off at every single one of you! Clean up this damn mess and get back to work!" The automatic door shuts with a huff.

Everyone stares at the door for a long time in complete silence, flabbergasted. Pining their lost fun, they turn to Botta, watching him desperate eyes. One Renegade member goes, "L-Lord B-B-Botta . . . ?"

Botta pauses in contemplation and regard at every member in the commons. Then, he slowly raises his hand over his head, and puts the party hat back on. He grins as if nothing had really happened.

Overwhelming joy brightens the faces of every person in the room. Several cheer with, "You're the best, Botta!"


	135. A Symphonian Halloween

Yes, I know. It's not exactly a halloween bash. It's more like a conversation pre-bash. Considering that I won't have time to submit a skit on 31st (tomorrow) I have to make due with this.

By the way, there are references here that I'll explain in the end in case you don't get them.

Also, my poll on my profile is still up. Tell me if you want me to host a drawing contest.

* * *

Zelos looks over and grins. "Hey, Lloyd!" He scans him over. "Nice costume. Did you buy it?"

Lloyd holds his head proudly. "Nope. I made it myself."

"Nice," goes Zelos. "It's pretty ironic, though. I didn't think you of all people would dress up as Sephiroth."

Lloyd shrugs. "I couldn't find anything for Cloud's costume. I had to settle with making Sephiroth's outfit. Though I didn't bother with a wig for this. Those things are expensive . . . So what are you?"

Zelos makes a grand gesture. "I'm . . . the Pumpkin King!"

". . . You don't look anything like Jack Skellington."

Zelos sighs, "Not _that_ pumpkin king. This is an original costume." Then he perks up at another sight. "Well, look who's—AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

Colette frowns in confusion as she walks up. "What's so funny?"

Lloyd goes, "Beats me. So what did you dress up as, Colette?"

She chirps, "You know how you decided to go as a Final Fantasy character? Well, I decided to be Aeris!"

Zelos laughs harder.

Lloyd snaps, "Get over yourself. I don't see anything to laugh about."

Zelos gets his laughing under control as he waves dismissively at Lloyd. "Of course you don't. You don't see how ironic it is that Colette dressed up as Aeris and you as Sephiroth." He changes the subject, "An—heheh—Anyway, is everyone else coming?"

"Genis and Regal are going to be late," Colette states. "Raine decided to finish Genis' costume for him and well . . . Regal took Genis on an emergency costume run."

Lloyd cringes. "Poor Genis." Then he adds, "Sheena and Presea should be here soon. They said they were doing some last minute details. Then the Professor should be back when she's done searching for Genis and Regal."

"Is Kratos coming?" asks Zelos.

Lloyd blinks at the strange question. "Yeah. He's not going to be in costume, though. Why?"

Zelos smirks and flips out a photo to Lloyd and says, "Look what I found at Tifa's bar while I was visiting."

Lloyd looks at it with confusion. "What does that have to do with anything? And who's that blond lady in the blue kimono that Cloud's posing with? She looks kind of familiar . . ."

Zelos bursts out laughing again, "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! If only you knew! Well, I'm going to wait for Kratos and tell him how awesome his costume is. See ya!"

"Costume?" But Kratos isn't going in costume," comments Lloyd.

Colette suggests, "Maybe he wanted it to be a surprise! Let's get the Halloween party ready for when everyone gets here."

* * *

The first joke is on the irony that Aeris was killed by Sephiroth and Lloyd and Colette dressed up as them. That's what Zelos was laughing so hard about first.

Second, one of the earlier halloween skits I posted is about Genis making his costume because Raine can't sew crap. Now you know what happened to his handmade costume. (Poor kid.)

Third, check out the "Smile for the Camera!" skit for an explanation for the photo Zelos swiped from Tifa's bar Seventh Heaven (i think it's called).

Meanwhile, during Halloween, I'll be competing in Conroe with the marching band. I don't get to trick-or-treat (even if I am 17). T.T Oh, well. Wish us luck!


	136. In Memory

Aifred smirks as the kid in red signs the contract completely ignorant of the fact that he's being tricked into becoming a pirate. He happens to glance at the trusting fool's name. _Lloyd Irving._

_. . . Irving._

_Irving!_

A shiver runs down his spine. "Hey, kid." The idiot looks up. "Your name is Irving, right? Any relation to a woman named Anna Irving?"

"You knew my mom?"

Aifred stares at him in shock while a long dormant dread revives. Every scarring memory returns with a vengeance. The resemblance between the boy and that she-demon can no longer be missed.

With a forced, shaky smile Aifred replies, "Sort of. She was definitely strong willed. Now back to business . . ."

* * *

Remember that Aifred the pirate's hometown is Luin? I'm pretty sure he's old enough to have met Anna while she was alive.

WOOT! Results of that band competition from Conroe are in! We got first place! WOOT!


	137. Dilemma

Zelos looks this way and that way. No sign of either of them here too. Damn. This isn't good.

"Zelos, what's wrong?"

Zelos snaps to. Sheena stands there looking at him with some concern. Normally he'd be a little flattered that she's (sort of . . .) worried about him but now isn't the time.

"Have you seen Kratos or happy ametuer around?" he questions hurry. "Aw, man, I am in it so deep . . ."

Sheena furrows her eyebrow. "No, I haven't seen either of them. What's going on? Did you do something?"

"Er . . ." He considers his answer. "Yes and no."

"Yes and no? Spit it out, Zelos."

"Well . . ." He gives up and tells, "I saw happy walking around Wall Market with a tall lady in a blue kimono. Cloud came by and was laughing so hard about something and had his girlfriend take a picture. I was a little busy so I couldn't ask them for a copy so I went to his place much later and snitched the picture and made a copy. When that Halloween party came around I couldn't refuse to show my copy off to Kratos . . . and that got happy in big trouble."

Sheena scowls as she tries to piece it all together in her frustration. "Okay . . . Tell me how Kratos has anything to do with this and did you return Cloud's copy of the picture?"

"Of course I did!" he says defensively. "I returned it right after I got my own copy! And Kratos . . . Well . . ." Zelos takes out a photo from his pocket. "Does this lady look anywhere near familiar to you?"

Sheena peers at it. "Yeah, but I still don't see how . . ." Her voice trails off as she realizes what she's looking at. "Is that . . . Kratos?"

"Yep. I think happy blackmailed him or something."

Sheena gawks at it, and then she bursts out laughing. "AHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh my . . . ! That's _Kratos?!_ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAH! AHAHAH! Ahahahahah! Hahah . . . Hah . . ." She wipes the tears from her eyes. "I can see why Kratos would be mad at happy but I don't see how he would retaliate against her when you're the one who taunted him. Unless you didn't tell him how you got that photo?"

Zelos slowly shakes his head. "No. I didn't."

Complete gravity fixes her face. "Then happy really is in trouble. Let's go find her before Kratos does and kills her."

* * *

The "costume" that Zelos was talking about in that symphonian halloween skit is the drag Kratos was wearing in the photo Tifa took.

Oh, god . . . Zelos found out about Wall Market . . . AND TAUNTED KRATOS ABOUT IT!!!


	138. Tales of Fruits Basket

The title kinda gives . . . Alright, it gives it ALL away. For those of you who don't know what Fruits Basket is, it's a romance where an orphan named Tohru Honda is taken in by the Sohma family who has the curse of turning into one of the Chinese Zodiac whenever they're embraced (or touched) by the opposite sex. This would include the cat from the legend.

* * *

POOF! POOF! POOF! POOF!

Colette slides out of the group of ice skaters gawping at her with horror as she is helplessly zoomed away from tripping and sliding on the ice. An assortment of animals slide with her: a cat on her shoulder, a rat on her head, a lamb on her lap, and a rabbit on her arm. Clothes belonging to the group lay scattered on the slippery ice in a trail.

As Lloyd and Genis hurry to the rescue Raine groans, "I should have seen this coming when the Sohma family arrived with ice skates."

* * *

Which zodiac animal do you think the characters would turn into? Remember, there's thirteen animals (including the cat that doesn't have a year).


	139. Can't Move

Lloyd screams, "GAAAH! GENIS! RUN FOR IT!"

Genis shouts back, "I can't! I can't move from this posi—GAH!"

A monster swipes at him. Then it attacks him again.

"OW!" Genis gets knocked away. "HELP!"

"We can't!" laments Colette. "We can't move either!"

"What the hell is going on?!" Lloyd cries.

Back in the real world, Jack hears the commotion from the TV just as he was getting dinner and moans, "Aw, man, I forgot to pause the game."

* * *

Ironic, isn't it?

I know this is random, but it won't get out of my head. So I'll get it in UR heads!

I have an anime called Azumanga Daio (originally a manga) that's about these school girls going through high school (note: I didn't make the anime or manga if wording is weird). I like to replace the characters with tos characters. Here's the main cast . . .

Chiyo-chan: Genis Miss Sakaki: Sheena Tomo: Lloyd Yomi: Raine Kagura: Zelos Osaka: Colette Ms Yukari: Yuan (XD) Ms Nyamo: Kratos (XD!!) Chahiro: Presea Kaorin: Mithos (can't find a spot for Regal and I don't want him to be Mr Kimura . . .) Mayaa (iriomote cat Sakaki adopts near the end): Corrine Mr Tadakichi (chiyo's dog): Noishe

Yes, most of them ARE girls. That's what makes watching the anime even funnier! Now I'll get it in ur heads when you look!


	140. Don't Die

"Lloyd."

Lloyd turns to Kratos. "Hm? What is it?"

"Don't die."

"Wha?" he gawks for a moment. When he regains himself he says, "Do you realize how awkward and unnerving that phrase is? Do you think something bad is going to happen? What's wrong?"

"Don't worry about it." Kratos walks off.

Lloyd stares in disbelief and stun. Finally, he goes, "How the hell am I supposed to not worry after he says something like that?! What does he think is going to happen?"

Something moves behind him. Lloyd whips his swords out preparing to block against a sneak attack.

"YIP!" It was only Noishe, who's now backing away.

"Sorry, Noishe," he apologizes as he sheathes his swords. Then he grumbles to himself, "Now I'm all jumpy. Is Kratos' head screwed on wrong or something?"

* * *

Isn't it just an awkward phrase? It reeks of foreshadow! Lloyd's original reaction in the game is more on the mark of reality but this is more of how I think he'll actually react (maybe a bit exaggerated).

Does anyone say these kind of phrases just to get ppl on their guard or see what their reaction is?


	141. Magnetic Attraction

Here's another goofy hit line! ^^

* * *

"Hey, hunny! Zelos chirps as he approaches Sheena. "I'm positive, you're negative. Let's go with our magnetic attraction."

Sheena pinches her lips. "How about that your face is positive and my hand is negative and I smack you because of the strong magnetic attraction."

"Okay, okay, I get it . . ."


	142. Emergency Hiding Spot

I'm thinking this is in Palmacosta, but whatever scene works for you.

* * *

Colette, Raine, and Genis turn the corner. Colette pauses for a moment but then shrugs and goes on her way.

Raine looks at the Chosen and asks, "What is it, Colette?"

Colette replies with her mandatory smile, "I thought I heard someone over here but I guess I was wrong."

The two move on while Genis pauses at the tall trash bin to finish off his banana. He eats the last bit of the fruit and tosses the peel into the trash bin. He hurries off to catch up with his sister and his friend.

The trio leaves the room.

The lid on the tall trash bin opens up and Sheena climbs out of it with garbage clinging onto her and a fresh banana peel on her head. Wearing an expression of clear disgust, Sheena picks each piece of garbage and drops it in the bin.

"Note to self: find a better last-minute hiding spot next time," she grumbles as she drops the banana peel, the last piece of trash, in the bin.


	143. The Grudge

"Happy, you should do a Super Smash Brothers skit," Lloyd says.

I stare at him for a moment. ". . . Why?"

"It'll be cool!" Genis happily proclaims. "I'll get to use my spells against Mario, Link, Samus, Pikachu . . ."

Colette joins in, "If you do it will be so much fun!"

". . . Peach, Bowser, Ganandorf, Lucario, Snake, Jigglypuff, Pit . . ."

"And then we could be like BAM and they'd be like WAAH!"

"Stop!" I cry. "I'm not going to do a Smash Brothers skit."

They start to chant, "Super Smash Brothers! Super Smash Brothers! Super Smash Brothers!"

"Cut it out!"

Kratos spies on the scene, locking down on his target. He prepares to cast Judgment Ray . . . and—

"Hold it!"

Zelos interrupts his concentration.

"What? This had better be good," snarls Kratos.

Sheena catches up. "It's not happy's fault that Zelos found out about Wall Market!"

Kratos growls, "Oh?"

Sheena nudges at Zelos. "Well? Tell him."

Zelos pinches his lips. "I saw you two at Wall Market. I didn't have a camera on me but I saw Tifa take that picture and promise that no one else will see it. I knew that she wouldn't let me borrow it so I snitched the original and returned it after I made a copy. At the Halloween party Lloyd threw for us I couldn't resist to goad you about it. Happy had nothing to do with this. I bet she doesn't even know anything about this."

Kratos regards him calmly for a moment. Then ". . . Humph. Rather brave of you to step up and take the credit."

Zelos relaxes at the composed tone.

As Kratos starts to walk away he adds, "Just remember that all you did was redirect my attention to you."

Sheena pales and Zelos chokes.

* * *

This series of skits is getting a little long . . . Usually I stop at three.

By the way, I want to remind ppl that I still have a poll up. I really want to hear opinions on this. If you looked and it wasn't on then I fixed that problem (i accidentally didn't post it on my profile like I said it would be). Anyway, I'm about to close the poll soon (especially since it only has one vote total). Do I just have bad luck with these things?


	144. Things Gone Fowl

* * *

The fierce beast roars at them menacingly.

"This is so weird," mutters Mithos as he rubs an apple gel on his wounded arm. "We're fighting a giant chicken of all things! It's not even a cockatrice!"

"Yuan!" Martel cries as the monster chicken hits his head with its beak, narrowly missing the chance to gouge Yuan's skull. She begins to cast a healing spell.

The giant chicken advances to Martel.

"Look out!" Kratos shouts. He blocks the monster's path and falls when the blow lands on him.

"First Aid!" casts Martel. She flees from the giant chicken's range as Yuan gets back up.

"Mithos!" he calls.

"I know!" the other resounds.

Mithos charges the chicken while Yuan casts the spell.

"Lighting Tigerblade!"

The union attack finishes the monster off and it dies with a squawk.

"Is everyone alright?" Mithos asks.

"Kratos!"

Mithos and Yuan hurry to where Martel gasps. Where Kratos was supposed to be are only his clothes and a giant lump in the center of the pile. Yuan kneels down and moves the clothes to reveal the lump. There before them lies a very confused and very disoriented chicken.

"Is that . . . ?" Mithos gawks.

"Yes," Martel replies. "I think that is Kratos."

A moment of silence. Then Mithos and Yuan burst out into laughter.

"AHAHAHAHAHAH! He turned into a chicken!"

"Bawk bawk baw-KAH!"

"I feel like having chicken for dinner tonight!"

"Things have gone all a-fowl for our mercenary friend!"

"Think we can sell him at the market?"

"I'm surprised this chicken didn't run for it!"

"How long do you think Chicken Little here will stay like this?"

"Hopefully long enough for us to get a picture of this poultry!"

* * *

This is based off of the infamous final fantasy status called frog where your character is temporarily turned into a frog.

It's super annoying . . .


	145. Hellifino

This is actually more cute than anything else.

* * *

"Daddy, what's a hellifino?"

Kratos gawks from his book and down at his three-year-old son. Did he just say "hell if I know"? "A what?"

The tiny tot repeats with a happy smile, "A hellifino."

He just stares at the small boy completely stunned. This child is not supposed to know words like "hell" and "damn" and the general idea. Maybe he doesn't know what it means, but then again he just might. "What do you think it is, Lloyd?"

The child cheeps, "A rhino and an elephant!" With that, he skips off.

Kratos continues to gawk at the kid trying to figure out what just happened. The boy really did just pull off the "elephino" joke.

"Anna!" he calls, knowing she was the mastermind behind this.


	146. Zelos' Fate at Kratos' Hands

And I'm ending it here. And no, the character me doesn't have a clue what the whole situation is about.

* * *

I order tea from the local Starbucks and lean my back against the counter to observe the scenery while my order is being brewed. I spot Kratos sitting at one of the window-side tables and wonder just what he's doing at a Starbucks in the first place since I know for a fact that he's really picky about his drinks and typically makes them himself. Don't ask how I know, it ain't pretty.

I get my hot tea and pay for it. I consider going up to Kratos and asking about the recent suspicion that I've heard about Zelos and, somehow, end up at his table anyway without realizing it.

"Yes?" he asks me when I don't speak up.

I open my mouth and say, "I heard a rumor that Zelos got in big trouble with you and that you're going to kill him."

"Where did you hear that?" he questions.

"These things get around," I state simply to protect the people who told me (you never really know what he'll do). "So is it true?"

He takes a drink of whatever it is (one of those paper cups they give out) and smirks. "No, it isn't, but don't tell anyone that. I'm just going to let him fret over this until he tells Lloyd and it gets somewhat out of hand or he realizes that I'm just having him stress over nothing."

I shake my head, amused and admiring the situation rather than disapproving. "You're so mean. He's going to be looking over his shoulder for weeks now."

"I know," he replies as he sips his drink again.


	147. Planning for a Party

You: "Great. Happy's complaining about how her romance fic doesn't get much attention again."

I just don't get it . . . I get good reviews on it and people who read it like it, but why don't I get a lot of people reading it? I don't expect it to be nearly as popular as Protesting, but still. I fry brain cells over that romance. I fried brain cells over finishing a chapter last night (before I fried more on the self-insert that I'm redoing). Should I name my titles in it? I just don't get it . . .

* * *

A Renegade member scratches pencil marking on a sheet of paper with a dreamy smile on his face. Botta notices and approaches the subordinate.

"What is this?" he asks with honest curiosity.

The Renegade happily replies, "I'm making a list of things to do for a Thanksgiving party."

Botta shakes his head and says, "You had better not after the fit Yuan threw about the Halloween party. Besides, not all of us even know about Thanksgiving let along celebrate it."

The Renegade frowns. "Oh . . ."

Botta grins at him and adds, "But you can start planning for a big base-wide Christmas party. If you start right now and have the entire base help then you can pull it off in time and keep Yuan from noticing."

The Renegade perks up and chirps, "Okay!"


	148. Yggdrasill's Outfit

"I can't believe we have to go back up to the Tower of Salvation," Genis depressingly expresses.

"But we need the mana fragment or Colette will . . ." Lloyd can't finish his statement.

"We know, Lloyd," Raine assures despite her nervousness. "That is why we are going up there, and we will survive and succeed."

Sheena joins in, "She's right. We're not going to lose. Even if we do have to fight Kratos and Yggdrasill, we will win and cure Colette."

Lloyd perks up a little and says, "Yeah, you both are right. I guess I'm just really nervous. After all that happened up there . . ."

"Yeah," Genis goes. "Yggdrasill was really scary, though. I hope I don't freeze up if we end up fighting him."

"I know what you mean," Lloyd agrees. "His eyes were so cold and so full of hate and contempt. I felt like I was going to die when I saw them."

"His _eyes_ were what scared you?" gawks Genis. "What about everything else about him?!"

Lloyd shrugs. "Sorry, Genis. It's just the way he dressed. I can't take anyone seriously when they dress that ridiculous. I know what we wear really stands out, but that outfit takes the cake. It looks like it's a one-piece outfit made of spandex."

"I have to agree." Sheena adds, "After the entire battle when I could afford to think about it, I thought he looked like he was ready to get down at a dance floor."

"Yeah!" Lloyd laughs. "It's exactly like that! I can easily imagine Yggdrasill break dancing at Altamira!"

Raine says to herself rather amusedly, "Well, if we can laugh about it then we can certainly fight with clear heads."

Genis exclaims, "_Nothing_ about that outfit tells you that he's an all-powerful angel overlord?!"

Lloyd confirms, "Nope!"

Sheena affirms, "Yggdrasill's outfit just says 'I like to get jiggy with it.'"

* * *

You know it's true. :3 Think he'd dance on a disco floor to Stayin' Alive, Beat It, or Love Shack? I definitely think that those would be on his life ipod. I can definitely see him disco dancing under a disco ball.


	149. Another Kind of Torture

The lamplight turns on. It beams intensely on Kvar, who is tied to the chair he sits upon. He glares at the figure before him as his captor steps into the light.

The figure revealed is Anna. Wearing a cruel smirk, she carries a boom box in one hand and construction worker earmuffs in the other.

"Well, Kvar," says Anna. "I am finally going to give you your just desserts for everything I suffered under your hand."

Kvar narrows his eyes. "See if you can do your worst. You will find I have high tolerance for pain."

"I hope so," she replies with a gleam in her eye. "It makes this last even longer." She sets the boom box down and puts the soundproof earmuffs on. Then she bends down and presses play.

The first song begins. Kvar gets this confused expression that slowly transitions into horror. "No . . ." he goes. "No! Not Paris Hilton's album! _Nooooooo!!_"

Anna howls with laughter, "_Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaah!_"

* * *

I honestly don't think Paris Hilton is a good singer. If she ever was then she's not anymore.

Yay for Anna getting payback herself! I don't think she would have let Kratos, let alone Lloyd, take revenge for her. Like _ever_.


	150. Showing the Wanted Poster

Genis spies at Lloyd who's watching Altessa work (probably comparing his work with Dirk's). Looks like he'll be too busy to notice at first.

"Hey, Mithos!" calls Genis. Mithos comes over and observes as Genis pulls a rolled-up poster out of his bag. "Back in Sylvarant, Lloyd was wanted by the Desians because of his Exsphere. The wanted poster they posted was terrible."

Mithos tilts his head. "So that's the wanted poster?" Genis unfurls it in front of his friend. Mithos' eyes get wide before he bursts into laughter, "AHAHAHAHAH! What is that?"

"The wanted poster the Desians had," replies Genis with a grin.

"AHAHAH! No wonder they never caught him!" Mithos laughs.

* * *

The wanted poster strikes again!

How did Genis manage to carry that wanted poster around all this time without it getting destroyed by Lloyd? Or at least noticed by Lloyd?


	151. You Must Escape!

Regal works in the quiet of his office, not missing how much he missed working as his company's president. Now that the two worlds are reunited things should pick up more. There is new business frontier to be explored!

The phone rings and Regal picks it up. "Yes?"

George's panicked voice sounds off over a background of chaos and screaming, "M-Master Regal! Thank Martel, you are still in your office! Take the emergency stairs and escape!"

Regal stands out of his seat. "George! What is going on down there?!"

"It's your bunny girls and fan girls! They have—Stop! Don't go there! Stop her! Your fan girls have stormed the building to get to you and your bunny girls are fighting them off but there are too many of them! You must escape! You must—NOOOOOOOOooooooooooo . . . !"

The phone runs a blank with the background hell still going on. Regal cries, "George? George?! George!"

Another voice gets on the line, "Hello? Is this Regal? I love you, Regal! I'm coming for you so you just stay right there! Okay? I'm coming, my love! I'm com—"

The line goes dead.

Regal hangs up the phone and gravely says, "So it has come to this . . ."

* * *

The concept of the bunny girls and fan girls having an all out war over Regal is just priceless to me. Oh, and, in case you ask, tiger002, I don't think Regal Bryant Lover is the fan on the phone (then again that may be very obvious to you). I think she's . . . uh . . . Heck, I don't know where she is. Just where are you in this mess, RBL?


	152. KO'd

Lloyd and Zelos amble along searching for mushrooms (part of Genis' recipe). Lloyd bends over to pick a few and—

"OW!" A stomping force on his back knocks him to the ground.

"Wahoo!" The red plumber dashes madly off.

As Lloyd groans over his aching back, Zelos laughs, "HA! You just got KO'd by Mario!"


	153. The Tricks of Haunting

Zelos sighs. "This is so boring . . . What's the point of being a ghost when there isn't anything to do other than hang out in areas supposedly haunted? There aren't even any cool tricks."

"There are tricks," Anna states. "You just haven't learned any yet." She spies a group of mischief-making teens and adds, "Watch this . . ."

Anna moves behind the teen in the farthest back as a nervous group member goes, "Are you sure it's safe here? I hear this house is haunted . . ."

The one in the back says, "Don't be such a chicken. There isn't any . . ." His words trail off to nothing when he feels Anna's hand on his shoulder. He turns and finds a ghastly woman with a hideous, gashing wound on her torso bleeding out a flood of blood.

". . . Help me . . ." she moans.

"NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

The rest whip around and find her.

"GYAAH!!"

"KAAH!!"

"AAAH!!"

After they all disappear from sight, Anna reverts back to her clean self and Zelos starts clapping.

"Okay, I'll admit that was pretty awesome," he comments.

Anna smirks. "It's all about how you do it."

* * *

You know she'd do that. You know Anna would so do that. ^^

This is if Zelos dies. He might end up meeting Anna.

By the way, the poll I still have up on my profile will be closed next Wednesday (Nov. 18). I'll be announcing the results and what I'm going to do after that.


	154. Joy Ride!

Me: Okay! I posted!

*crickets in the background*

Well, I got one reviewer. Better than nothing. Is everyone on holiday and I just didn't realize it yet?

Anyway, here's another post.

* * *

Kratos stares with disbelief, too furious to be sure he heard correctly.

"_What_ did she do . . . ?" he asks.

Yuan coughs awkwardly. Then he says, "I . . . discovered through certain informants that Anna . . . snuck into the Renegade Triet base . . . and stole a rheaird . . . Basically she went on a joy ride."

Kratos goes, "So . . . she left Lloyd and me . . . and infiltrated the Renegade base . . . and hitched a rheaird . . . which she does not know how to control . . . for a day of personal entertainment . . . while carelessly endangering herself."

"That is pretty much the case in a nutshell."

An awkward silence . . .

Kratos mutters, "First, I'm going to steal a rheaird from either the Renegades or Cruxis . . . then I'm going to get her down and make sure she's safe . . . and then I'm going to damn well f**king kill that woman . . ."

Yuan sighs, "You have fun doing that, but first make sure Lloyd will be alright and I'll get you a rheaird in the meantime."

"Are you going to be faster?" growls Kratos.

"Don't take your marital problems out on me," he snaps. "And yes, I am going to be faster than you considering that _I'm_ not the one that both Cruxis _and_ the Desians are after. Make sure your loose ends are taken care of."

"If Anna crashes and dies because you were too slow—"

"You can keep imagining all the terrible things you will do to me all you want," Yuan tells as he starts walking away. "Just don't get in my way or the reason I was too slow will be your fault."

"I'm going to f**king kill that damn idiot . . ."

"You have a nice day, too."


	155. Raine's Love Letter

In case no one remembers/knows, in Dawn of the New World, when you switch out Raine and Genis for Regal in the party, Raine gives Regal a letter with contents unknown to all but her and tells him in a rather casual way (like "hm, it's a ___") that he could call it a "love letter".

All fans against this pairing, read on and the truth will be revealed.

* * *

"You really did give Regal a love letter? You two have feelings for each other? I thought he pledged that Alicia was his one true love. What will Presea think? How long has this been going on? Is Regal really going to be my brother-in-law? Why didn't you ever tell me? Does anyone else know? What's going to—"

"Stop, Genis," interrupts Raine. "My letter to Regal was in reality my conclusion to Emil's 'Ratatosk mode' and certain attributes to that condition. I didn't want Emil or Marta to read my findings and panic unnecessarily so I said to Regal that it is a love letter with underlying tones that would indicate to him that it is about something else entirely."

"Oh," Genis goes.

"What have you found out? Is Emil alright? Does anyone else suspect? Why didn't you tell me in the first place? Is it that bad? What does his Ratatosk mode do? What did you tell Regal? Can Emil be turned back to normal? How can I help? Do you think that this will . . ."

Raine sighs.


	156. The Tower of Mana's Elevator

The title pretty much gives it away.

We all wish that there was an elevator in that tower.

* * *

"Thank Martel the priests built this elevator here," Sheena expresses. "Climbing all the way up to the Light Seal would have killed my legs."

Genis mutters mutely to himself, "My butt is falling asleep . . ." and he shifts on the elevator floor.

"This is amazing technology," Raine observes as she pours over the elevator blue prints. "Fast, stable, and monsters cannot interfere with the mechanisms themselves. Simply fascinating . . ."

"It's so boring just standing here doing nothing," Lloyd complains.

"We could play a word game," Colette offers.

Lloyd fidgets. "But I want some action! I don't want to sit in this cramped room for forever!"

"Then we could stop at the next floor and let you off," Kratos implies. "I'm sure you will find more than your share of monsters as you climb every step up those long stairways to the top of this tower. Would you like that?"

Lloyd keeps silent.

"I thought not."


	157. Critical Condition

Well, it's Wednesday (nov. 18) and I said I'd close my poll and I did and I've got the results.

5 yeas and 1 nay. The yeas have it. I'll post the rules on Friday (nov 20) when I have the time.

. . . If I post another poll will I only get a total of 6 votes again like last time?

Anyway, here's another skit. You'll probably like this.

* * *

"Okay . . . what's the damage?" goes Lloyd.

Presea answers monotonously, "Seventy-nine percent of damage inflicted upon ourselves. Every one of us is in critical condition."

"_Raine!!_" cries Genis who's trying to revive his sister despite the lack of means.

"What happened to the life bottles?!" Sheena shouts.

Zelos replies with exhaust, "The player . . . The player sold them . . . all . . ."

Colette vainly digs frantically in her bag. "Where are the gels?"

"Sold them, too . . ." is Zelos' account.

Sheena snarls, "Why?! Why the hell did that damn noob sell all our healing supplies?! Now our healer's out!"

Lloyd flinches. "Well . . . Well they wanted an upgrade in weapons."

"Weapons?! They could have at least gotten armor if they were going to sell the gels and life bottles!" Sheena barks.

"Yeah. No kidding," Zelos agrees with a lackluster tone.

* * *

I'm getting pretty psycked. I always told myself not to post my self-insert at least until I've got an OC's background up. Now I think I'll post it when I either get my seventh (one of my lucky numbers) done or Lloyd comes in. Confused on that part? I'm not having my main character join the group like a little kid lost in Wal-Mart from the get-go. Each character has their own background stories that could fill entire fics (or halfs of fics) so I'm not doing the typical self-insert beginning.

But still . . . I'm getting close to posting it.


	158. Meltokio's Entrance

My parents teach at the same high school I go to. Both of them. (welcome to my world.) Anyway, this means I can use the teacher's lounge refridgerator for lunches and my dad's office microwave. When I went to get my TV dinner out of the lounge, one of my teachers (government) wanted me to do the "muscle macarena" for him since I was the only student at the time conveniently available. The "muscle macarena" is an assignment where we do the macarena for Anatomy but have to know what the muscles do in each step. Of course, I did it in front of all those teachers.

Don't look at me like that. It was either in front of teachers or a bunch of lazy brats who join the football team only because they want to be cool.

(I'm going to regret typing that in.) Ah . . . Yay for sugar rushes! WHEEEEEEE!!!

* * *

The group of eight travel to Meltokio. They all eagerly hurry to the place, every one excited to sleep in the fine beds in Zelos' mansion that they can freely use now that the Pope is now arrested.

Colette halts and goes, "Wait, everyone!"

The others stop and look at her.

"What is it, Colette?" Genis asks.

Colette squints her eyes to farther ahead and observes, "There's a lot of people over at the entrance. A lot of them have signs that say 'I heart Zelos!' and some say 'I heart Regal!' I think they're fan girls."

Lloyd puts out, "Come on, guys. Looks like we'll have to take the sewers again."

* * *

I have a feeling from my sixth sense that RBL is at Zelos' closely guarded mansion awaiting for her beloved Regal Bryant.


	159. Waste of Gald

Whenever I get a review or a favorite, I get this warm fuzzy feeling inside. Especially when someone says they actually look forward to more skits or a fic that I'm making (like my self-insert). It's little things like this that can make a writer's day.

Phew . . . ! My sugar rush is going down. I should never eat that many M&M's in one class period.

* * *

Zelos scowls ruefully as he returns from fishing. Lloyd and Genis, who went with him, look even more upset.

Raine asks, "What happened?"

Lloyd goes, "You remember that stupid expensive gold medallion Zelos bought on impulse? He lost it in the pond in an area too deep for us to dive in for it."

Raine growls before regaining herself and calmly says, "That is quite a loss, especially in gald."

Genis snaps, "I take back what I said before about it being a complete waste of gald. Obviously NOW it's a complete waste of gald! At least he was using it even if it was for picking up girls. All that money just down the drain! That twenty-five karat gold can't even be replaced."

Zelos' scowl smoothes over when he states, "Oh, no, I can replace it. I plan to just buy another one when we get back to Altamira."

Awkward silence.

Raine walks up to the Chosen and shoves him harshly to the ground. She jabs her finger at him and roars, "_You just stay right there, you spoiled brat! I'LL get it!_"

The three gawk at her as she marches to the pond. Genis stammers, "B-b-but sis, you're a-afra-raid of water!"

"_I'll FISH the damn thing out!_"

They can only stare as she storms away from them.

* * *

Yay for Raine snapping!


	160. Hanging Up Mistletoe Already

Early for Christmas? Nah.

As I promised, instructions to the drawing contest I'm hosting is on this skit at the bottom. (man this is a lot for such a tiny skit) I'm more afraid of ppl not partisitpating than crappy drawings (which I don't mind).

* * *

Lloyd finds Zelos hanging a visible object up on his door frame with a ladder and says, "Isn't it a little early to be hanging up mistletoe?"

"Maybe," is the response. "But there's a competition in this district of Meltokio to see who can put up all their Christmas decorations first and make it look decent. Because I'm the Chosen, I can't exactly come in last."

"Ah, that's why other nobles are putting up decorations already," he notes.

"Yup. Now would you get out from under the mistletoe? There is no chance in hell I'm kissing you."

* * *

**2010 edit: the drawing contest I hosted was a bust. I learned my lesson and will never do another. Instead, I'll shorten the weight load of author notes on this skit.**


	161. In Regards to Fans

I'm introducing ToS to a friend. She found out that Lloyd sounds exactly like Robin from Teen Titans (T.T). It's going to be hard to get her to love Lloyd now . . .

Anyway, I was teasing and said that she could easily imagine Lloyd shouting "Titans! Go!" Now she's doing fan art of Lloyd shouting "Titans! Go!" to all the playable ToS crew. She's currently having troubles with Lloyd's spiky hair.

* * *

"Ah, Regal," Kratos says, "I see you got the new accounting book you have been aiming to buy."

Regal continues to flip through the pages as he replies, "Yes. I delayed purchasing it until I filled out my old accounting book. Now all I need to do is wait out the old one. It was rather nice of her to give this to me."

"'Her'?" Kratos goes in confusion.

"An old fan girl of mine."

Kratos rubs the sides of his head. "Regal, you do not take gifts from fan girls. It only encourages them."

"Considering the trouble she went through to bypass security and infiltrate the building just to give this to me I decided to take it anyway," he explains.

Kratos sighs, "What did she do?"

"She crawled in through the air ducts, stole a female uniform from a locker, handed it to me, and wished me a happy birthday before she left just in time to avoid the one security guard who saw her."

Lloyd walks up. "Wow! She's pretty determine."

Regal comments, "The majority of fan girls are determine. The quality that separates some fan girls (like this one) from the typical fan girl is intellectual power."

"I can perfectly understand that," implies Kratos. "Anna was, after all, a fan girl of mine."

"She was?" Lloyd asks.

Kratos nods. "Yes. She was the most intelligent of them all."

"I object to that," says Yuan.

"Wah!" Lloyd cries. "When did you get here?!"

Kratos leers, "For one, I wasn't talking about you. Two, I never knew you were a fan of mine."

"Cut the nonsense, Kratos. I'm calling you out on that lie," Yuan puts.

"Oh, really?!"

Yuan states, "Anna was never your fan girl. You were her fan boy."

"That's not true!"

"You would copy some of my stunts with Martel and try them on Anna. You even sang under her window."

"You made that up!"

"She told you to stop making dying sheep sounds and go back to bed."

"Lies! Lies! All lies!"

"I don't see you coming up with any evidence to the contrary."

Lloyd notes, "We've gone far from the original subject."

Regal agrees, "Indeed, we have."

* * *

A certain fan knows exactly who I'm talking about.

But Kratos being a fan boy. Oh, the irony. lol!


	162. Happy's Mistakes

I decided to tease myself over the mistakes I've made in this fic.

Genis would so do this.

* * *

Genis walks up to me with a smirk. I prepare myself for the worst.

"So . . ." he casually goes. "I didn't know that twenty-five karat gold exists."

"Shut up, Genis," I tell him. "Let my type in peace."

He keeps at it, "I also didn't know that 'Altamira' is spelled A-L-T-I-M-A-R-A."

I remind, "That was when I got confused on spelling."

"By the way," he adds, "chicken phobia is actually called 'alectorophobia.'"

"We all make mistakes, okay?" I snip.

"Like brewing tea?"

"Go pick on Lloyd! I'm busy!"


	163. Letter From Zelos

Dirk sorts through the mail and takes one made of fine-quality paper out and calls, "Lloyd! You got a letter from Zelos!"

"Really?" Lloyd comes over and takes it from his foster father. He opens the envelope and reads . . .

_Lloyd,_

_I feel that I should tell you that if you ever somehow want to visit my mansion then take either the servants' entrance or climb in through a window. My front door is no longer safe due to the endless fan girls waiting for me to come out and step under that damn mistletoe I hung up. I already got attacked three times before I decided not to risk using the front door._

_Also, tell the others this when you see them again. I sent letters like this to them but tell them anyway just in case they don't get them. Do that as a favor to me, okay, bud?_

_Zelos_

Lloyd regards the letter before commenting, "I knew this would happen eventually . . ."

* * *

nuff said


	164. Lost Size

Zelos watches Sheena with sorrow and disappointment. She spots him and asks, "What are you so down about?"

"You . . . You've . . ." he goes.

Sheena groans. "I just got back with this group and we just saved Genis and Raine from being executed. How could you already have something about me to complain about?!"

Zelos looks as if he's about to cry. ". . . You lost some weight in Sylvarant. Most of it from your bust size."

_SMACK!!_

As she marches away in rage she growls, "I've been running more often in Sylvarant and the food there isn't as packed with fats as it is here! Of course I lost weight!"

* * *

This is after I watched Spirit of the Marathon and saw how small those women's sizes are. They have no fat on their bodies. Only muscle! D: *!!!!!!*

It would make sense that Sheena lost quite a bit of weight while in Sylvarant. I bet a lot of her weight is in her chest (obviously).


	165. Skiing at Altamira

Well, I finally posted that self-insert. *sigh . . .* I'm rather disappointed in it but what author is proud of their work at first when it gets out into the public?

Anyway, I love the last line in this skit. This entire thing is like a part out of Dumb and Dumber. And if Zelos is an idiot then Lloyd is too for agreeing to do this in the first place (even if reluctant).

* * *

Lloyd sighs and comments to Zelos, "I still say you're an idiot."

Zelos, who's wearing water skis and clutches onto a handle tied to the back of Lloyd's rheiard, calls out, "Rev that thing!"

Lloyd mutters, "Hopefully no one at Altamira will see us . . ." and revs the rheiard before zooming off at a decent pace for Zelos.

"_Wahoo!!_" shouts out Zelos as he jerks into a skiing speed. The sea shoots up from where his skis were in a fan-like shape. The waves come smoothly and he handles them just—

"GAH!" Zelos loses balance when a rough wave hits him. His body slaps into the water, but he still holds onto the handle for dear life with sea water flying into his mouth.

Lloyd notices something wrong and slows to a gentle stop. Zelos releases the handle and stabilizes himself as Lloyd gets the rheiard to him. Then the Chosen blushes as if highly embarrassed.

"Well?" Lloyd goes. "Aren't you going to climb on so we can go back to shore?"

"Err . . ." Zelos says with due discomfort, "Not until I find my speedo. That thing fell off when I lost balance."

"And they call me an idiot . . ."


	166. Randamus Crossioverticus Twilightus

I've tried to do a Twilight crossover skit before but none of them were even worth typing down. Now I've got something worth while! ^^

I think the title speaks a lot for itself. :3

And, yes, true Kratos fans would want him the way he is instead of altered by some idiot trying to make a crossover. I also like the fake Latin in this. Having it said in true Latin would've been a nice trip.

**2010 edit: I put in that "Yggdrasill's disco ball" comment that I've been longing to put in for a while. ^^ Other than that . . . FLAME SHIELD!!!**

* * *

Anna and Kratos walk along the road together with the sun high and bright above them. Anna merely thinks of what to do when they reach Asgard . . .

"Hm?" Anna goes when she notices a light in her eye. It increases in intensity then—

"Agh!" she grunts. "That glare! Where is it—?" Anna gasps when she finds it comes from Kratos, whose skin is like millions of diamonds. "What the hell is going on?!"

"I don't know!" he snaps. "This is so damn convenient! The Desians will find us for sure!"

Then Anna realizes something, "Maybe . . . Maybe it's that one condition I've read about once!"

"What is it?" he bites.

She scrutinizes him. "I'm thinking it's probably Randamus Crossioverticus Twilightus."

"Either say it in correct Latin or plain words."

She tells him, "I think it's a random Twilight crossover."

Kratos growls to himself, "Well, this is just perfect! I randomly become a damn fruity sparkling vampire! There's something wrong with the word 'sparkling' to begin with that makes it more than equal to the word 'rainbow' for a man! I even look like Yggdrasill's disco ball! I swear as soon as I find that idiot fan girl of Edward Cullen, I'm going to . . ."

Anna mutters, "Time to call the Ultimate Kratos Fan Club in to fix this . . ."


	167. Colette's Wolf

I was going to read this fic called Outer Haven by ShadowVDP and I saw that one of his fics is a crossover of tos and loz (ocarina of time) called Link's Teacher. I was like "Lol! That is awesome!" and was reminded that I'll have to do a tos/loz skit (like i've been trying to do).

I kept thinking and thinking of what to write and this popped up. (oh, and this is based of Twilight Princess)

* * *

Lloyd, Colette, and Raine walk down around the center of Hyrule Town viewing all the sights with due awe.

"Wow!" coos Colette. "It's almost like Meltokio!"

Raine comments, "Not quite as extravagant but it certainly holds a peaceful charm."

Lloyd agrees, "Yeah! It's so nice here!"

"_Kyaaaaa!_"

Screaming sounds off behind them and they whip around with their weapons ready for whatever monster comes. They wait for it and . . .

. . . find a large gray and white wolf just walking on by without a growl or a snarl. It treats the screaming and fleeing civilians as everyday happenings.

As they ease their weapons, Lloyd comments, "It's not even acting aggressive."

Raine states, "I suppose this is something we have yet to understand about Hyrule. We are new to this land, after all."

"Yeah." Lloyd spots Colette move and asks, "Where are you going, Colette?"

She chirps, "Over to the wolf. He's so cute!"

"Cute?" Lloyd goes as he looks over the wolf's size, fur coloring, and the chain locked around one paw. He supposes that Colette going over to the wolf is fine as long as the wolf isn't aggressive or anything (and Colette can take care of herself) but . . .

The wolf sits when Colette approaches and kneels down and pets it. "Aww, you're so cute! You look all fierce and tough but I can see through your eyes that you're just a big softy. Yes, you are! I wonder what your name is . . . I know! You look like a Link! You eyes are so adorable!"

Raine remarks, "Be it a dog, wolf, or fearsome beast, as long as it's lovable Colette will love it."

* * *

I forgot to mention this on the Randamus skit but I was very tempted to have Kratos say a reference to one of my previous skits in reaction to discovering that he sparkles (gah that word!).

Kratos: "I can't believe this! I look like the disco ball Yggdrasill takes out each time he break dances!"

But I refrained to avoid confusion. I should be given an award.


	168. Preparations for the Renegade Christmas

Yuan follows the loud work music playing, scowling deeper and deeper as it becomes more evident as to what his Renegades are up to. He enters the commons and instantly sees red.

Botta finds Yuan and hastily brings his leader a drink. "Calm down, sir. It isn't as bad as you think."

Yuan takes the offered cup and snarls, "They can set up a Christmas party at their own homes when they are off work!"

"Sir, I ask you to calm down, take a drink, and think about this in your office for a little bit," Botta insists.

Yuan regards his second-in-command with a glare. He snarls again and downs his drink before he snips, "Be prepared to take all this down in ten minutes."

Yuan leaves.

Botta turns and gives a signal to a Renegade with a radio who speaks into it, "Step one of Mission: A Christmas Carol is complete. Proceed with preparations now, Christmas Ghosts."

* * *

We can guess what's going to happen to Yuan. :3


	169. When the Sub From Hell is Gone

See "Kratos Aurion the Substitute from Hell" and "Don't Ask Him to Sub!" before you read this (if you haven't read them before).

* * *

Raine goes into a coughing fit. Genis pours a cup of water and hands it to her.

"Thank you, Genis," she hoarsely utters. "I suppose I better think about today's lesson. Perhaps . . . it's best to cancel it."

Lloyd keeps his worried face but mentally cheers for his teacher's decision.

Zelos ambles on up. "I have the medicine you asked for, my siren professor."

Raine stares at Zelos for a moment. "Zelos," she says. "You graduated at the top of your class at the Sybac University, yes?"

"That's right."

"Could you substitute for me in the next lesson? I have my lesson plans right here."

"Anything for you, oh paragon of feminine beauty."

At that, Lloyd asks Genis, "Am I the only one suddenly wishing that Kratos was still here?"

"You mean the substitute from hell?" he clarifies. "No, you're not the only one."


	170. Online

I was in a hurry so I forgot to clean some stuff up.

anyway, there is this dish called puerco pibil and if you've seen Once Upon a Time in Mexico (with jonny depp in it) it's the dish that depp was always eating and adored. it is delicious. look it up and get the recipe. it's worth it. if you don't eat pork then try turkey or chicken. if you don't eat meat then oh well.

* * *

eternal_swordsman: i better get off. the professor's nagging at me and kratos is online trying to find me here. thx for the answers!

TUKAFG: okay! l8er!

eternal_swordsman: later!

eternal_swordsman has logged out.

TUKAFG: Kratos is on? *sighs lovingly* Kratos . . .

violet-mercenary has logged on.

violet-mercenary: Is someone called eternal_swordsman here?

TUKAFG: O! Kratos! Lloyd will be back in a bit.

violet-mercenary: How do you know those names?

TUKAFG: lol silly! I just kno! Im ur biggest fan!

TUKAFG: Kratos? r u still there? hello?

violet-mercenary: Does KAFG stand for Kratos Aurion Fan Girl?

TUKAFG: thats right! My user name stands 4 The Ultimate Kratos Aurion Fan Girl!

violet-mercenary has logged out.

TUKAFG: NO!!! KRATOS!!! COME BACK!!! WE R MEANT 2 B 2GETHR!!!


	171. Protector of the Ancient

"Surrender, Eragon," Galbatorix tells the boy with cruel triumph blazing in his casual tone. "Your resistance is futile. You and the Varden have lost."

Eragon struggles against the invisible chains of the tyrannical king's binding spell. "N-NO!"

"As for the rest of those rebellious fools," he states, "they will be crushed when I collapse this entire ruin!"

Galbatorix laughs wildly. Eragon's eyes widen, and he puts forth all his strength to escaping the dragon rider's hold—but all in vain! His power, a gnat to this monster, wastes his energy to fruitless efforts.

_THUK!!_

Galbatorix falls when a boot heel from a high-flying kick slams into his face. His attacker, a silver-haired half-elf with scholarly garments and crazed eyes, rounds back on the king renewing her assault.

"_Don't you DARE harm these ruins!!!_"

The bindings instantly vanish and Eragon whips his sword out and turns to defend the woman from any defense from the empire's soldiers, but all of them just stare at the strange sight behind him (not that he blames any of them).

* * *

Raine gained the title "Protector of the Ancient."

Go, Raine, go!

I've been itching to do an eragon skit.


	172. Excuuussse Me, Princess!

Look up "excuse me, princess" on YouTube and you'll see what I watched and why Link should never talk unless the person writing his dialogue should have some special permit or have countless great reviews.

* * *

Sheena sits on her cushioned chair with a good book. Everything is nice . . . quiet . . . tranquil . . .

. . . "Excuuuusse me, Princess!"

She ignores it.

"Excuuuusse me, Princess!"

Again, she ignores it. It isn't worth her time.

"Excuuuusse me, Princess!"

Disrupting her book. Getting really annoying.

"Excuuuusse me, Princess!"

Sheena brings her book down and looks across the room to where I am staring at my cell phone. ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

"What is that?" she tartly questions. ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

I don't look up. "A video on YouTube." ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

"Well," she goes, "could you at least turn it down or go into another room. It's getting on my nerves." ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

I start chuckling despite myself. "That's the whole point. The shows of Legend of Zelda are essentially annoying and irritating. All it's doing is taking one of the more annoying parts of all of them and putting them in one video." ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

"It's succeeding. At least turn it down." ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

"I think it's almost done," I tell her. ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

"Excuuuusse me, Princess!"

"Excuuuusse me, Princess!"

"Excuuuusse me, Princess!"

". . . Least I thought," I add. ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

"I'll throw this book at you!" the ninja threatens. ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

I get up. "Okay! Okay! I'm going!" ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

Silence once more when I leave. Sheena sighs in relief and gets back to her book. Then, just behind her ear, she hears . . . "Excuuuusse me, Princess!"

Sheena turns and finds Zelos holding his own cell phone just behind her ear. ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")

"Don't even start," she warns. ("Excuuuusse me, Princess!")


	173. Howdy Howdy Howdy!

Inspired by Shark Tale and By The Farside cartoons.

And I've got Robots stuck in my head! Fender keeps talking and talking and talking and talking and talking . . . !

* * *

"I can't believe you would do such a thing!"

"I just did so believe it, Sheena!"

"You are such an asshole!"

"So sorry that you think so!"

Lloyd looks on to the heated argument between Zelos and Sheena. What they argue about doesn't matter. The entire thing has gone way out of hand. Maybe he can distract them with something long enough to where he can get a word in and calm them down. He moves to the other room while the two bicker.

"I want an apology right here right now!"

"An apology?! I'm the one who should be getting an apology! You just exploded on me for no good reason!"

"No good reason?! I've got every reason to yell at you!"

"No you do not!"

The door bursts open to reveal Lloyd dressed up in complete cowboy gear and a huge grin. "Hey, everybody! Look at me! I'm a cowboy! Howdy, howdy, howdy!"

No dice. They just continue fighting as if Lloyd wasn't there at all.

Lloyd sighs, "What was the point of making a fool of myself when it didn't even work? . . ."


	174. Fainting

Me: Okay! I posted! Now to see what the public has to say . . .

*crickets in the background*

. . . . What happened? Did everyone suddenly get grounded from the internet? I've got few reviewers left.

* * *

Kratos fades into a bone white. His eyes grow large and wide. His breath stops and his throat clogs. His blood drains from his body. His knees deteriorate into weakness and strain against his own weight.

Then he collapses into a dead faint.

Anna glances at her husband from her chair and turns back to the doctor across from the desk and goes, "You know, this guy can spit right in death's eye and not even blink, but when the doctor tells him so bluntly that his wife is pregnant with his own child he faints like a dainty woman with low blood pressure."


	175. Shots Can Cure Anything!

"Uuuuugghhh . . . My head . . . My throat . . . My entire body aches . . ." I moan. "Can't get out of bed . . . Can't miss school, though . . ."

"Hey, Professor," Lloyd calls, "could you check happy?"

"Of course." The healer walks in and observes my moaning self. "Hmm. Normally you don't complain about aches and pains. Perhaps the flu season weakened your immune system."

"Maayybee . . ."

Raine digs in her bag. "You probably need a booster shot and some rest afterwards."

I choke, "Shot . . . !"

She pulls out this needle that most would definitely call a "big damn motherf**ker." "Yes, a booster shot. Now all I need to do is insert this into your gluteus medias."

I leap out of bed with newfound energy and cheer, "I'mjustfine! Seesee? !"

Then I'm gone in a blur.

Lloyd goes, "Wow . . . ! Uh . . . That was . . . Wow."

"Yes, Lloyd," his teacher confirms with a light chuckle. "A shot can cure almost anything."

* * *

I HATE shots! I hate hate hate HATE shots!

Because my sister was really sick for a while, when I HAD to open my mouth and complain about the mentioned symptoms (from the skit) she had me stay home from school. I CAN'T MISS SCHOOL WITH AP CLASSES!!!


	176. Vegetable Cake

I need to make more Christmas skits for Christmas.

* * *

"Hey, Genis," Lloyd goes, "what are you throwing away? It looks like cake."

Genis dumps the thing in the trash and states, "It's Raine's burned vegetable cake."

"Vegetable . . . cake?"

"You know how people make fruit cakes during Christmas? Well, we didn't have enough fruit so Raine decided to improvise by using vegetables instead of fruit."

Lloyd warily eyes the kitchen window of his friend's house. "Good thing she burned it, otherwise she'd have us eat it."

"That's the good news. The bad news is that she's making another."


	177. Bowling

A red glove picks up the returned bowling ball. He steps up to the foul line and says, "Alright, Yggdrasill, it's just you and me. Your reign of evil is _over!_"

The pins don't respond.

"This is it! You're going _down!_" He swings his arm back and flings the ball out into the lane. The ball speeds down the land and speeds down into the gutter. All ten pins are left untouched.

"Tough, huh? Wait until I show you my _ultimate attack!_"

Just a couple lanes over, Lloyd, Genis, Sheena, Zelos, and Regal stare at the cosplaying Lloyd fan.

"Let's move to the other side of the bowling ally," Lloyd suggests.

The others nod in union as they repack their things, ignoring the Lloyd fan's "ultimate attack."

* * *

Did I have you going on to thinking that was Lloyd for a moment there? ^^

Lloyd, Genis, and Sheena are there to have fun, Zelos is showing off, and Regal is instructing. (yes, i can see them bowling)

By the way, i'm in my school's bowling club! ^^


	178. Santa's Lap

Dressed in a Santa suit, Zelos calls, "Hey, Sheena! Come here and sit on Santa's lap! Tell him everything that you want for Christmas!"

She responds, "I stopped believing in Santa at least twelve years ago."

* * *

even i'm going "give it up already, zelos. she's not going for you." but it's such a good run-on joke.


	179. Villian Speech Drawbacks

You know those villians that NEVER stop talking? And the heroes just stand there and LISTEN instead of attacking? Magnius seems to fit that roll and tos is just as bad as the animes in letting the villians talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk . . . Yugioh seems to be the worst. There's like . . . two episodes of villian giving a grand speech on his background, motives, how he's going to kill them, etc, etc . . . Yugioh isn't the only one, it's just my best example.

* * *

". . . the very thought of _vermin_ like all of you _defeating_ me is just . . ."

Lloyd's brain tunes out Magnius' never-ending speech about how their pathetic and he's superior as it's about to overflow. A headache starts to form and he rubs it to ease the pain.

". . . and once I kill you all and take that special Exsphere off your dead body, _boy_, Lord Yggdrasill will make me leader of the Five Grand Cardinals! Then once that happens, I'll . . ."

_Ta, ta._

Lloyd glances over his shoulder and notices a folded note and a pencil being passed to him from Genis. He takes both and reads through the note then writes down his own response.

". . . Palmacosta and all its inferior beings—those pathetic _vermin_—will be _destroyed!_ Men, women, and children will _fall_ under my power and _die_ a horrible miserable . . ."

Lloyd hands the paper behind him to Colette. The entire group shifts wider just a little to further cover their one member in the very back without getting Magnius' attention.

While the Grand Cardinal is further distracting himself, the one member stealthily moves around the large room and approaches Magnius from the back. The hidden member sneaks to the Cardinal's back, and then . . .

". . . The very _thought_ of all that death and destruction upon you _vermin_ just makes me _laugh!_ Ahahahahahahahahah! Ahahahahahah! _WAHahahahahahahahahah _. . . _Wait!_ One of you is missing! Where did—_GAH!_"

Magnius falls over dead, hanging on Kratos' sword which was ran through the Cardinal's back while the Desian leader was talking.

Kratos growls, "About time . . ."


	180. Christmas Potion

I just watched Angels and Demons (movie). Great movie, (and from what i hear) great book. Got a numb, tired feeling. Probably has something about me posting at nine thirty pm.

* * *

Anna downs the Christmas potion and slams her glass down and cheers, "Yummay! And _thiz_ iz one of th' reazonz why Chrishmas iz my _fafrite_ time of th' yeer!"

Kratos sighs, "Anna, stop drinking the potion. You're going to ruin your liver."

"Hafe no feer, Kahtoz!" She teases, "I've got bedder tol'ranze than yoo do, yoo ol' stiff!"

Kratos just groans. Hopefully she'll just pass out—wait, that's still a bad idea. Then maybe she might want to go home and—nope, still a bad idea considering that she'll be too loud about going home. Perhaps she—no, just another bad idea. Through and through, he's in a bad spot.

"Ah-hahahahah-hahahahah! More! More! I wan' more poshun! Ahahahah—AHH!!" Anna topples over her chair when she leans too far and accidentally knocks her refilled drink all over her. "Who shrew their drink ah meh?!"

Kratos gets out of his seat and lifts her off the floor. "Let's get you home. Just don't pass out on me. You know what happens when you pass out."

"Urrff . . . Sleep barfing . . ."

"You had better not!" he cries.

"Yur th' one who bought th' poshun!" she counters.

"For heaven's sake, woman! You're more trouble than you're worth!"

"Yoo married meh, remembur?!"

"Yes, I remember. Just also remember that I'm not going to have any pity for you when you wake up with a Christmas hang over."

* * *

Yuan gets drunk, Kratos gets drunk, now Anna gets drunk. If you have trouble with the pronounciations then try saying them out loud (when no one's around if you're embarrassed to quote a drunk).


	181. Is It Still Raining?

Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Raine, Sheena, and Kratos stare at the last portal before the seal room.

"Think it's still raining out there?" Lloyd asks.

"There's only one way to find out." Sheena digs in a hidden pocket and pulls out a six-sided die. "We each call out a number and whoever's number it lands on has to go out and check. I call six."

"One," goes Lloyd.

"Four," Colette chirps.

"Two," Raine states.

"Three," calls out Genis.

"Five," Kratos says.

"Okay!" Sheena tosses the die out and everyone watches as it hits the ground and rolls to a stop.

"Five!" the ninja announces.

Kratos sighs and steps onto the portal and disappears. A long minute passes after that. Then the portal activates again and Kratos reappears, drenched head to toe and in a much fouler mood than usual.

"Yes," he growls. "It is _still_ raining."

* * *

The numbers (in case anyone noticed) represents the order in which they were introduced in the game. Lloyd first (since raine was telling him to wake up), Raine second (since lloyd was asking raine right after he woke up if class was over), Genis third (raine asked him lloyd's question over who mithos is), Colette fourth (raine asked her what world regeneration is), Kratos fifth (arrived to save the day at the martel temple), and Sheena sixth (ossa trail).


	182. Meeting Over a Serious Matter

Somewhat based off the Prince Yuki Fan Club from Fruits Basket.

* * *

Hundreds of girls chatter softly in the massive auditorium. They wait for order while the stage before them remains empty. Then, a young lady steps up onto the stage and stands behind the podium on it. She angles the microphone to herself and bangs the podium with a wooden hammer. After a few complaints, all attention focuses on her.

The young lady announces, "I, your President Marigold, have called an emergency meeting concerning something horrid. But first, we must pledge ourselves since this _is_ a meeting."

All voices chant out, "We, the Kratos Aurion Fan Club, pledge our love to Kratos and only Kratos. In shadow and in sunlight, we dedicate our strengths and talents to protecting our angel and his delicate heart even to our last breath. May his four thousand years become five. Long live Kratos!"

Marigold settles her members and begins, "My fellow club members, we have a very serious situation on our hands. A threat so vile, so heinous, that our precious Kratos will fall completely defenseless under this terrible monster. Yes, I am quite sure some of you still insist that Kratos can defeat anything but this demon shapes itself in a guise he did not suspect—that he _still_ does not suspect! Ladies, _this_ is the demon I speak of!"

The stage screen comes down and a single picture is projected. Collective gasps from all the girls ring out into the air.

"_This_," proclaims Marigold, "is the demon! Anna! This former ranch captive latched herself on our dear Kratos and, kindhearted that our angel is, did not recognize her for what she really is! The evidence is before your eyes!"

Girls gasp and scream, some even faint, as the picture slides to others of the invasive woman spending time with the angel, smiling and laughing with him.

"This can _not_ be tolerated! She will destroy his heart and mock us! This is why I have called this meeting. With our combined wit and power we _will_ vanquish her!"

The entire auditorium erupts into cheers for their leader. Marigold pushes the microphone away for just a moment and motions for the Vice President to come to her. While the frenzied cheers go on, Marigold whispers in the summoned girl's ear, "Call all of our most intelligent members for a meeting in my office. It's better if we distract Anna with our . . . less capable members while our most capable members plot her downfall. If we go into this with just every fan girl at our disposal then we may as well arrange that demon's wedding day with Kratos as the groom ourselves."

* * *

Kratos: O.O Oh my GOD!

Anna: Run for it! I'll hold them off!

Kratos: They're after YOU, Anna! There is no way I'm leaving you behind! *picks her off and runs*

Anna: Put me down! Put--me--DOWN!! They have it coming!


	183. Why Happy Doesn't Have a Muse

It seems as if ppl are mistakening my waky "please reviews" as begging. The thing is . . . I'm running out of ideas for waky please reviews.

So, everyone, come up with your own waky please review! (I'll most likely use them until my on and off case of writer's block goes away)

* * *

Chocolat watches me type on my computer. Or try to.

"What's the matter?" she asks. "Is nothing coming to you?"

I sigh (mainly at my situation). "My brain is fried and is setting to writer's block mode."

"That sucks," she sympathizes. "Why don't you get a muse? Lots of writers have one to help them with a fic or a skit or something. That could help you."

"I already tried," I tell her.

"Then how come you don't have one?" she wonders.

"Weeeeeeellll . . ."

"_Okay, everyone, I'm sure you're wondering why the hell I've taken you out of your way to come meet with me so I'm going to tell you instead of beating around the bush about it. You see, I've been getting writer's block lately and I need a muse. So I'm wondering if—WAIT!! DON'T RUN AWAY!! COME BACK!! COME BACK!!"_


	184. Quoting Shakespeare

I'm going to see "A Tuna Christmas" as a Christmas present on Friday! ^^ I'm so excited! (look up "play" and "Tuna" for any more details. It's not about food. It's a small Texas town parady.)

* * *

Lloyd looks over from his seat and calls, "Hey, Zelos! There's an empty seat next to me!"

Zelos spies an empty seat next to Sheena and replies, "No, thanks, bud. Here's metal more attractive."

While Lloyd shows a confused face at the expression (with Raine shaking her head with an irritated scowl), Zelos seats himself next to Sheena.

"Lady, shall I lie in your lap?" he asks with a smile.

Sheena doesn't bother looking at him. "Hell no."

He clarifies, "I mean, my head upon your lap?"

"'Hell no' means 'hell no,'" she insists.

"Do you think I meant country matters?" he prompts with a grin.

Sheena scowls. "Drop the Hamlet lines, Zelos. It's getting on my nerves."

"That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs."

_SMACK!!_

Zelos rights himself back onto his seat and waits for the play to begin without another word.

* * *

Fun Fact:

Hamlet's "To be or not to be" speech (brain fart made me forget what a play solo is called) is in Act III while the skull he holds is from a completely different scene in Act IV.

All of Zelos' lines are from Hamlet (with the exception of "no thanks bud"). Also, I really think Ophelia should have reacted like Sheena did and stood up for herself when Hamlet was messing with her. Then again the nobility of Denmark during the 1600s had a completely different view point than we do today.


	185. Sheena's View On the Ossa Trail

this skit has a more subtle joke in it, in my opinion.

sheena falls down that hole in the ossa trail. you go inside the mine and way in the back is a room where we can assume sheena fell in. that room also has sword dancer in it. :3

* * *

". . . aaAAHHH—UGH!!!"

Sheena curls up on the ground and pushes herself up. "Oww . . . ! Damn it! I was so close!"

She brushes the dirt off her clothes as she curses, "If only she didn't trip over her own feet and flip that switch! I would have got her and Tethe'alla would be safe!" Another thought comes to mind. ". . . Though I wish I didn't have to kill her. This Chosen looks so sweet and kind, unlike some other Chosen I know."

Thud! . . .

Sheena whips around with her cards out. "Who's there!?!"

Thud! . . . Thud! . . . Thud! . . .

The ninja shakes in fear.

A giant skeleton over twice her height with four arms wielding a wicked sword in each glares down at her.

"_KYAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!_"

Sheena flees for her life. "_If only she didn't flip that switch!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!_"

Thud! . . . Thud! . . . Thud! . . .


	186. The Disco Room

Yggdrasill shuts the door to the spacious room. He flips a single tiny switch and the empty room transforms into a disco room complete with stereo system and disco ball. As soon as the music begins he breaks out into disco dance. After a while he even sings along.

"Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Stayin' alive! Stayin' alive! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! . . ."

Yggdrasill makes a grand disco twirl . . . and halts as soon as he sees Yuan at the now open door. They stare at each other, frozen in their spots. Yuan watches Yggdrasill with wide eyes for a moment; then, wordlessly, he presses the door button and disappears behind the door's veil.

Twelve years later, after much mental recovery, Yuan forms the Renegades.

* * *

You have to admit this skit was coming.


	187. Presidential Appeal

So I'm now doing Christmas skits until after Christmas. I think these four x-mas skits will be all until then.

* * *

Marigold stands under the mistletoe hanging on the doorframe. As of now her intellect team is debating for the most effective course to take in regards to the demon Anna. As much as Marigold would love to join them she, as the Kratos Aurion Fan Club president, must make appealing "efforts" for the . . . less capable majority of the club body. So here she is, standing under mistletoe Kratos will _have_ to cross under _some_time instead of helping her team.

Although she must admit that if this succeeds (as little chance that is) the end results will be exquisite.

Kratos turns towards the doorway; her heart skips a beat. He's coming! He's coming! He's com—

_Shove! BANG!!_

Marigold recovers on the floor from her stun as Kratos stops under the mistletoe.

"That was rather harsh of you, Anna."

"Does it look like I care? Now kiss me, you handsome beast."

"Heh. As you wish."

Marigold mutely cusses to the floor.


	188. Christmas Chocolate

Lloyd groans and moans as he lies in bed on his belly. His companions offer no pity.

"What did you expect when you ate all that Christmas chocolate?" Raine asks him. "Of course you got a stomach ache."

Zelos goes, "I'm getting this strange sense of déjà vu. Think this is because the exact same thing happened after you ate all that candy at Halloween?"

"I'm seeing a pattern here," comments Genis.

"You have to admit you had this coming," adds Sheena.

"Just leave me alone, guys . . ."


	189. Grouchy Snowman

Genis returns with charcoal, a hat, and a carrot where Lloyd and Colette finish setting the head of their snowman. Then, Genis gets an idea.

"Hey! Why don't we make our snowman look like Kratos?" he merrily suggests.

"Why?" Lloyd asks.

"You know how Kratos is always such a grouch?" Genis explains, "It would be so hysterical if we had a grouchy snowman instead of a typical one."

Lloyd grins. "Yeah! What about you, Colette?"

"Sure!" she chirps.

Back at the fire, Kratos snorts, "Humph. I'm not grouchy all the time . . ."

* * *

I saw fanart of grouchy Kratos snowman and it was so _cute!_ 3


	190. An Issue

Orochi approaches Sheena during a casual conversation with Tiga and goes, "There is . . . an issue at the village entrance."

"What sort of issue?" she asks.

"Zelos Wilder arrived with twelve drummers, eleven pipers, ten lords, nine ladies, eight maids, seven swans, six geese, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pair tree."

Sheena replies, "Tell him nice try but go home."

* * *

Zelos never gives up, does he?

Merry Christmas, everyone! (I'll be updating confessions and--hopefully--my romance along the holidays.)


	191. Duct Tape Fixes Everything!

Mithos rubs his jaw, moaning from the throbbing pain in his mouth. "Oww . . . Does anyone know of a dentist in this city?"

Martel frowns. "No, but we can look for one."

Yuan gets up and digs into their bags. "In the meantime, we can use a temporary fixative."

"Like what?" Mithos groans. His eyes get wide in confusion as a roll of thick tape drops in front of him from Yuan's hand. He picks it up and asks, "What's this?"

Yuan gives Mithos a faux blank look. "It's duct tape."

"I know what it is," the boy goes. "I mean what's with it?"

"Well, duct tape fixes everything, right?" the other states. "So with that in mind, it can do something for your achy tooth until we find a dentist."

Mithos tosses the duct tape roll at Yuan's head causing him to duck and laugh.

"Smart ass . . ." Mithos growls.


	192. The Fallen Hero

Sheena gasps in air as she limps away from the remains of a monster Zelos defeated. Just behind her, Zelos trots up to the ninja with triumph in every fiber.

"Are you alright, Sheena?" he asks.

Sheena gasps, "Yes . . . Thank you . . . I thought I was a goner for sure . . ."

Zelos says, "This great hero is happy to serve you anytime. Although, he does ask for a small reward."

Sheena frowns exasperatedly. "The altruistic hero isn't supposed to ask for the reward."

"Well, I'm not _entirely_ altruistic," he teasingly slurs.

"Oh, so you're the comical relief sidekick."

"What?!" he gawks. "'The comical relief'?! Then who's the hero?!"

"Lloyd," she states. "Who else?"

Zelos sighs, "Oh how far I have fallen . . ."


	193. Loud Thoughts

I type on my computer with stern focus and—

"U-u-u-ugh . . ." I shudder as an erotic image pops up in my head without warning. This was the fifth one today. I can't tolerate them any more. I turn around to Anna who pretends to skim through one of my books (although I know where her mind really is).

I growl, "Did you sleep well last night?"

Anna smiles deviously. Another erotic image bashes through my mind. "Yes," she says. "I did."

"Good for you," I snip. "Could you at least tone it down? You're daydreaming so loud that I'm getting bits of those mental pictures flashing through my brain."

She flips through the pages. "One would think that you would be welcome to such images."

I go, "Considering that I'm not a Kratos fan girl, I'm not welcome to such images. Plus I'm writing something relatively clean. Either tone it down or leave the room."

"Fine, fine. I'll tone it down." Anna shifts her position and gets back to pretending to read.

"Thank you," I grunt as I get back to my computer.


	194. Word of Sir Bud

At the dinner party, a large crowd of nobles surround Lloyd as they give their positive opinion concerning the group.

"I must say, Sir Bud, it was rather courageous for you and the other attendants to aid Master Zelos and Duke Bryant in their perilous mission to rescue the fair princess."

"Of course attendants like him must be powerful and loyal! Think of all the men the pope sent after them!"

"Although, 'Bud' is quite a strange name. I feel so sorry for you."

"I agree. What were your parents thinking when they named you 'Bud'?"

"You really must think of changing that name. I can help you with that easily, especially since you helped rescue Princess Hilda."

"Ignore them! You don't need to change your name at all, Sir Bud! It is the heart that matters the most! You saved our princess!"

Over a ways, Zelos comments to his butler, "I have to admit, you certainly have a way of spreading your joke around. Not a single one of those nobles even suspect that you made up that name to tease poor Lloyd."

Sebastian replies, "Thank you for the complement, sir."

"This is almost like rubbing it in for Lloyd," notes Zelos.

Sebastian smiles. "I know. Now I can watch as Sir Lloyd stirs himself up without putting forth any effort what so ever."


	195. A Way Around the Riddler

The Riddler is one of the many foes of Batman. He makes deadly mind games that, if the person loses, kills the "partisipant." This one is actually not as severe as the usual (since i don't have the stomach to kill any one other than magnius in this fic).

* * *

Zelos catches up with the troop to find Genis nearly ripping his hair out and Lloyd and Sheena searching for a way out. Up ahead is a locked electric door.

"Where have you been?!" Genis carps. "We thought you were gone, too!"

"Chill. Just what happened here?" he puts.

"The Riddler, that's what!" exclaims the boy. "He locked our way out and won't open the door unless we solve his riddle! It's the hardest riddle I've ever heard in my life! I wish Raine were here . . ."

Zelos pats Genis on the head and says, "Chill. I'm going back the way I came and take care of this."

"What are you going to do?" Genis questions. "Call Batman? He's probably busy fighting the Joker."

"Nope. I'm going to the Riddler myself and get him to open the door."

Genis calls out, "Do you even know where he is? Zelos? Hey, Zelos! Answer me! Where is he?!"

With that, Zelos disappears. A while passes and Lloyd and Sheena return with grim reports.

"There's no way out," Sheena glumly states. "We'll have to solve the Riddler's challenge."

Lloyd glances around and asks, "Where's Zelos? He hasn't come back yet, has he?"

"Oh, he came back," Genis snippily carps. "He left to find the Riddler as soon as I told him what's going on."

"All by himself?" Lloyd goes. "But that's dangerous! Who knows what that guy's capable of!"

_Shaa!_

They turn and stare at the electric door, stunned that it opened without the riddle being solved yet. Through wordless agreement, they wait for Zelos. When their companion returns, he wears a cocky, self-satisfied smirk and twirls the Riddler's cane in his hand.

"Zelos! What happened?" Lloyd wonders, "Did you beat the riddle after all?"

Zelos' smirk gets wider. "Nah, I didn't beat the riddle. I beat the _Riddler_. I suspected that guy was once one of the nerdy smart-ass kids that got beat up in the playground each time they opened their mouths with something smart-alecky to say. I just used that as leverage and he opened the door without much in the way."

Sheena remarks, "I don't know whether to scold you for such means of action or that you went without taking me along so I could get a punch in myself."

* * *

My dad got "Batman: Arkham Asylam" for Christmas. I play it every now and then. My favorite parts are when I have to sneak around and ambush armed enemies. I like to do silent takedowns, glide kicks, ambush them with explosive gels, hit them repeatedly with batarangs (doesn't knock them out though), grab them from a gargoyal and tie them there and then cut them loose over ppl.

I'm evil with that game. :3


	196. Fighting the Nighttime Limit

I type on my computer with my eyes drooping to a close. Must. Keep. Going. Presea watches me, slight concern showing in her eyes, as my head bobs downward in my drowsiness.

_After it was confirmed that I'm now an unofficial member of the Chosen's group I told them what happened that morning, keeping some dehuyjjnbbbbbbbb_

Presea calls out, "Will someone help me get happy ametuer to her bed? She fell asleep on her keyboard."

* * *

Genis, of course, is the first one to answer Presea.

I'm getting pretty close to my goal of 200 by January! At this rate I'll easily pass it by the end of the month!


	197. The Cast of Oz

I'm starting to run out of ideas. I probably need to stop and rest for a bit and then get back on it. 200 is a huge number! And I'm planning to stop at 400!

Writer's block totally sucks!

* * *

"Hey, guys!" Colette chirps as she tottles up. "Let's watch The Wizard of Oz!"

"You really like that movie a lot, don't you?" Lloyd says with a smile.

"Yup! I really do!" She goes to the DVD cabinet and starts digging. "The characters remind me of everyone."

Genis remarks, "I don't blame you. Lloyd would be the Scarecrow."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Sheena goes, "Then Colette could be in place of Dorothy and Noishe for Toto."

Zelos adds, "And Yuan could be a cruel version of the Tin Man. If only he had a heart . . ."

Sheena glances at Zelos. "Then this idiot would be the Cowardly Lion."

"No way," denies Zelos. "I would be the _Wizard_ of Oz."

"Grow up," Sheena snips.

"Oooo . . ." Zelos grins. "Do I detect a bit of wicked witch in you? Just my area of expertise!"

"Grow up, stupid Chosen."


	198. Desian Designs

This is for everyone who hates the portals in the Palmacosta ranch.

* * *

"Wait a minute." Lloyd stops and points at the portal they were about to use. "Didn't we already use that?"

Raine looks down at it. "I believe we did use that for about three times already."

"Why do we keep using this same one over and over?" he asks.

"Because we're lost . . ." Genis answers.

"I know we're lost," Lloyd states, "but since we keep using the same one does that mean we're also going in circles?"

"Yes . . ."

"Why does Magnius have to make his ranch like a maze?" questions Lloyd. "If this place is just one big maze then everyone in here gets lost! It doesn't make any sense!"

"It doesn't make any sense," Kratos says, "because, for some reason, the Desians have always liked their buildings and plans overly complicated. They like to think that they are highly intelligent just because they can understand the unnecessarily intricate designs they set for everything they do."

Raine carps, "Overall, this is just a lot of wasted energy put into something a lot simpler than it's made . . ."


	199. The Chosen's Signature Trail

This is for my favorite Regal fan who asked me to do this one via review. Alright, so she's the only Regal fan I know but that means less competition! ^^

In the game, monsters disappear right when you kill them. In reality, they don't. So what happens when you're training?

* * *

And with a flash, they were gone.

The Desians go into an uproar. "They disappeared!" "What was that monster?!" "How did they do that?!" "What are we going to do now?"

"SILENCE!!" shouts one of the higher ranked Desians. A hush goes over the entire mass. He turns to his leader. "Your orders, sir?"

Kvar replies, "Let them go. We can always track them through their signature trail. Right now we have a more imperative task at hand. Find the Renegades and retrieve the stolen Exspheres."

"You heard him! I want those search squads out!"

While everyone scrambles to get organized, one Desian goes up to Kvar and asks, "Sir, what did you mean by 'signature trail'?"

Kvar regards the worth of this question but explains anyway, "The fools will train hard and long in hopes of gaining the strength necessary to defeat me and then return to the ranch. We can always follow them by tracing the monsters they defeat back to them."

The Desian watches Kvar with confusion. "I still don't get it . . ."

Kvar turns his critical eyes on the subordinate. "You never noticed the line of monster corpses that follows the Chosen's group where ever they go? Monsters don't just disappear when they die."

"Er . . ."

Kvar turns away. "Just get back to your usual station. I don't want you trying to find the Renegade's second-in-command and his force when you can't even notice giant corpses lying out in the open for everyone to see."


	200. Five Stages of Grief

I watched the robot chicken clip over the five stages of grief (they used a girraffe for their example). Then I got this marvelous idea. *evil griin*

Skit number 200! All in 6 months! I made it to this marvelous milestone. Happy 200 skits, everybody!

* * *

"Master Zelos," Sebastian says. "A telegram from your financial representative just arrived."

"Thank you, Sebastian." Zelos takes the letter, opens it, and reads through it.

"WHAT?! BANKRUPT?!?!"

**The five stages of grief can be understood through these examples.**

**Stage One: Denial**

Zelos stammers, "I-I c-can't be bankrupt! There must be some sort of misunderstanding! I don't have any problems with gambling, overspending, or-or-or crap like that! Sebastian! Call the postal service!"

**Stage Two: Anger**

"Well this is just f**king _perfect!!_" Zelos shouts. "Who the _f**k_ ripped me off?! Someone's going to pay for this!! _Someone will pay!!_"

**Stage Three: Bargaining**

Zelos paces the floor muttering, "Okay, okay, calm down. There's gotta be a solution to all this. There is a solution to everything . . . I'll call up the church and pledge myself. But then that means I'll have to kiss the pope's feet . . . and I hate that guy . . ." He looks up into space. "Martel . . . if you really do exist . . . I may have to give myself in to an arranged marriage. I don't want to lose everything but . . . but I don't want to give myself up into marriage for some greedy little snob I won't ever be able to stand. Please . . . if you get me out of this mess . . . I promise that I will never sleep with another woman in sin. This isn't hot air, I really do promise this if you get me out of this mess. Please . . ."

**Stage Four: Depression**

Zelos pulls out a fine bottle of Flanoir potion and moans, "Man . . . This is so f**ked up . . . What did I do, anyway?" He sighs as he pours himself a hefty drink. "Can't believe I just lost everything . . . Out of nowhere too . . ." He downs every drop of potion in the glass. "So f**king wrong . . ."

**Stage Five: Acceptance**

"You know . . ." Zelos sets the potion bottle aside. "Shit happens, and I can work myself out of this. This is not the end of the world. I can make plans and build my life back up again! And this time, it's not just everything my entire lineage passed down to me, it's entirely me! I can do this! I can build myself back up to where I was and it be all a product of my own hands!"

"Master Zelos." Sebastian comes with another telegram. "There was a mix up in the postal service. This is your telegram from your financial advisor. The one you accidentally received is for Earl Stonewall."

"Earl Stonewall?" goes Zelos.

"Yes, Stonewall."

They trade telegrams. Zelos opens the one meant for him and reads through it carefully. A big happy grin bursts on his face.

"Yahoo!" he cheers. "Everything's just fine!" He suddenly hugs his butler out of pure glee. "Ahahahah! Everything is just fine! Nothing went down the drain with no warning! It's fine! It's fine!"

"Yes, yes, Master Zelos, I know," Sebastian says with a grin he can't help and a simple roll of his eyes.


	201. Typo

Magnius jeers at the group and barks, "Not a single one of you are going down!"

Then he realizes what he just said. "Did I really just say that?"

Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Raine, and Kratos can't help but chuckle and chortle.

"Stop it!" Magnius demands. "Stop it! Stop laughing at me!"

Meanwhile . . .

"Oops," I go while I proofread my writing. "Typo . . ."

* * *

Typo? More like a brain fart. By the way, that just happened just an hour before I'm posting this.


	202. Failed Sandwiches

I got a mass of ideas for skits late last night. Like, at 1-2am. Good ideas sometimes come at the most inconvenient times.

* * *

"Well . . . Everyone . . ." Raine holds out a plate of "sandwiches" she made. "I failed to make sandwiches . . ."

Lloyd, Colette, Genis, and Kratos stare in horror at the plate, knowing their doom is at hand.

Fresh from his first traumatizing experience with Raine's infamous cooking, Kratos is the first to panic, "No . . . ! Don't make us eat that . . . ! Don't make us eat that!"

"I'm sorry . . ." Raine says. "It's just . . . the programming of the game. You all have to eat this . . ."

"_No!_" Kratos cries. "If you have any love for humanity or mercy for our souls, _don't make us eat that!!_"

Raine brings the disgusting plate closer to them. "I have no choice in the matter. Forgive me . . ."

"_Nooooooooo!!_"


	203. Cafe Race

The president of the Kratos Aurion Fan Club is back from her Christmas failure.

* * *

Marigold enters the café. Sometimes a good cup of coffee is just what she needs after a hard day acting as the president of the Kratos Aurion Fan Club. Then, of all people, she sees Kratos sitting at a table just across the café.

The door opens again, and _she_ appears next to her. _Her_. The she-demon Anna.

With only one glance at each other, the two start an instant sprint towards Kratos. Using her skills gained from soccer, Marigold kicks Anna's feet from under her and sends the woman tumbling down. Then, just when she thought she was ahead, a hand catches her ankle and causes her to trip onto the floor face first. Anna climbs back on her feet to Kratos.

Marigold flies off the ground and dives for Anna, snatching at her thick brown hair. Sensing her clear advantage, Marigold yanks Anna back and shoves her down when she managed to get the she-demon behind her. She makes it to the table where a stunned Kratos sits and gasps for air to catch her breath as she relishes her victory. After that she puts her most charming smile on and straightens up to say hello.

_Thud!_

Then Marigold is shoved harshly to the ground beside her.

"H-hey, Kratos! What's up?"

". . . Competition between women is the fiercest I have seen in my life . . ."

"Yeah, but the end results are far more than worth it for the winner."

Marigold curses her loss.


	204. Traumatizing

As the group walks through the Meltokio sewer system, Sheena, Raine, and Genis hold a conversation over random things.

Sheena adds to it, "I heard once from a study that traumatizing events can encourage positive changes despite the impact on mental health."

"Really?" asks Raine. "Perhaps we should test that."

"Oh, no," goes Genis.

"I should have thought about what I was saying . . ." Sheena states.

They watch as Raine moves towards Lloyd and questions, "Did you do the homework that's due tomorrow?"

"Err . . . No. Why?"

Raine picks him up off his feet and moves him over to the ledge over sewer water.

"Hey! Professor! What are you doing?! Stop! No! AAAAAAHHHH!!!"

_Kerplash!!_

"NOW maybe you'll learn to do your homework!"

Genis comments, "Talk about traumatizing . . ."

* * *

Ew. Sewer water.

Nothing better than an insane violent teacher.


	205. My Foot!

"Wow! It's so dark in here!" chirps Colette.

"The summon spirit of darkness certainly shows a strong effect in this temple," Raine observes.

Lloyd goes, "You can't even see an inch ahead."

_Step, step, step, thuk!!_ "Whoa!!"

"_OW!! MY FOOT!!_"

While ignoring Zelos' distress in the background, Sheena suggests, "The Research Institute in Meltokio supposedly did research in the Temple of Darkness a while back. They should have some sort of way to light things up."

Clicks in the background (aside from Zelos' cries of "_My foot! My foot!_") hint of Regal trying to light the lamp they carry. "That would be our best option."

Over Zelos' howls of pain, Genis says, "Then I guess we're off to Meltokio."

"_Owowowowowow!! My foot!_"

* * *

In my file that isn't my self-insert reference file, I reached the part where I can visit the Temple of Darkness. The loudest point should be Zelos' pain.


	206. Wooden Swords in the Temple of Fire

Nuff said.

* * *

"Alright! We're heading to the Temple of Fire!" cheers Lloyd.

"Stop right there," Kratos says as he grabs onto Lloyd.

"What?" Lloyd goes as he debates on whether or not Kratos is going to criticize him.

Kratos asks him, "What are your swords made of?"

"Wood. So?" Lloyd responds, feeling Kratos' criticism coming.

"And where are we going?" he prompts.

"To the Temple of Fire."

"And you don't see how your swords being made of wood would be a problem?" he questions.

"No."

Kratos puts his palm against his face as Genis takes a try.

"Lloyd," the boy starts, "what does fire need to burn?"

"Wood."

"And what are your swords made of?" he leads on.

"Wood."

Then Genis tells him, "Then what's going to happen to your swords when you fight the guardian in the Temple of Fire."

"Oh, they're going to burn." Lloyd states, "Then I guess I should go get some metal swords. We have enough gald, right?"

Kratos shoves the gald into the teen's hands. "Yes, Lloyd. We have enough gald. Now go get yourself some real swords before you get yourself killed."


	207. Arguments Among Fans

I've got more skits on the way. I've gotta get them from paper to type, though. ^^

* * *

Marigold spends her moment off watching Kratos from a distance. She admires him and sighs, "Ooooh . . . Kratos . . ."

"Ooooh . . . Regal . . ."

Marigold couldn't believe her ears.

"'Regal'?" she goes as she turns to the Regal fan that somehow ended up next to her. "What the hell is with that? How could you admire _Regal_?"

The Regal fan stubbornly answers, "Because Regal is awesome and Kratos is just an old stick-in-the-mud."

Marigold lifts her chin up condescendingly. "You think that because _you_ can't appreciate the refined civil man that Kratos is."

"Oh, please," the Regal fan snorts. "Regal is the very _epitome_ of refinement and civility. No one can get any better than Regal."

"Unless it's with Kratos," Marigold counters. "Besides, Kratos is a _much_ better fighter than Regal could _ever_ become. He could slice Regal into blue-haired ribbons."

"As if!" The Regal fan declares, "Regal has _martial arts!_ How's Kratos going to defend against _that_?"

"And _I_ personally vote for _Zelos!_" cheers a random girl who came out of nowhere.

A tense silence passes as Marigold and the Regal fan glare down at the newcomer. The new girl weakens in her resolve and slips away.

Marigold goes, "Anyway, where were we? Oh, yes. Kratos doesn't _have_ to defend against that! He can just . . . !"

* * *

The part that says "He can just . . . !" means that it's still going on but I'm not bothering to show the entire sentence. Otherwise the Regal fan would have something else to say in this skit too. So I ended it there.

We know who Marigold is, we can just guess who the Regal fan is (hoping I got her personality right), and the random girl is probably me just messing around.

When fans get into a fight over who's better they should never be disturbed. A sign could be posted: Disturb At Your Own Risk.


	208. Blue Haired Convict

It has been brought to my attention that reviews can also be used to argue with other reviewers. I don't really give a damn as long as my review pages don't turn into a fan battlefield. Nothing has happened right now but I would still like to express my opinion on this matter. So please, keep the fan call-ons in moderation. I mean this for ALL involved parties.

Remember that Zelos got ambushed by Regal in the sewers when we first meet our favorite blue-haired martial artist? (well, he's our only blue-haired martial artist in ToS)

* * *

"Ow, ow, ow . . . Ow . . . Ow . . ."

Zelos moans in pain as Lloyd, Colette, Sheena, Genis, Presea, and Raine carefully lower him face down on his living room couch.

"I'm sorry, Zelos," Colette apologizes. "I should have heard him coming."

"It's . . . not . . . your fault." Zelos tells her, "I should have known . . . that those convicts would . . . have back-up . . . Ow! My back!"

While Raine casts First Aid, Sheena adds, "Blue-haired back-up with professional martial arts training. Where does the pope _get_ these guys?"

"We'll be ready for him next time," Lloyd states.

Fierce fire rages in Zelos' eyes. "Damn right, we will! That blue-haired bastard will _pay_ for what he did to my back!"

Sheena playfully taunts, "After seeing what happened to you today in those sewers, I doubt you could put a scratch on him next time."

Zelos smirks. "Oh, I will. He'll be too distracted when I get to him anyway."

Sheena frowns. "Distracted? How?"

"Well, no one can look away if you're stripping in front of them."

Sheena raises her hand up aiming for the tender spot on his back where the convict got him.

_SMACK!_

"_OW!!_"

* * *

I wonder how they got him out of the sewers since the exit is a ladder.


	209. Protozoan Pronunciation

"Doggie!" chirps the three-year-old.

"Woooeee . . ." Noishe whines.

"Alright, alright, Noishe." Kratos gets down to his son's level. "Lloyd, Noishe isn't a dog."

"Yes he is!" insists the child.

Kratos gently says, "No he isn't. Noishe is bigger than a dog. You see, Noishe is a protozoan."

Lloyd stares back with blank eyes. "A wha'?"

"A pro-to-zo-an. Try to say it," he prompts.

"P-po . . ." the boy attempts. "P-poa . . ."

"Pro-toe-zoh-aun."

Lloyd keeps trying, "P-po . . . Pro . . . Pro . . . P-po . . ."

A pause goes by.

"Doggie."

Kratos sighs, "I'm sorry, Noishe. You will have to be a dog until Lloyd gets older."

"Wooeee . . ."


	210. Dream Come True

Zelos wraps an arm around Sheena's shoulders. "I can make all your dreams come true."

Sheena retorts, "You certainly can if you stop touching me."


	211. Tests

"Kratos," Raine asks, "may I see your wings?"

Seeing as how the two and the rest are away from civilization, Kratos unleashes his blue wings. "Sure. Why do you need to see them?"

Raine moves over to the illuminating wings. "Fascinating . . . I've been wanting to make a comparative analysis with Colette's wings and another's for a while."

"I see," Kratos dismissively responds.

"In fact, I wonder if you would permit me to administer some tests," Raine suggests. "These tests are rather complex and Colette wouldn't understand them so I don't ask this of her. You, however, are contrary to that point."

Kratos suspiciously asks, "What sort of 'tests' do you refer to?"

Overhearing this, Lloyd, Sheena, and Genis cry, "Run for it, Kratos!"

Hearing their warning, Kratos takes off in panic.

Raine races in hot pursuit. "_Get back here right now!!_"

* * *

RUN, KRATOS, RUN!

Lloyd, Sheena, and Genis would know best since Raine once tried to study Noishe and Corrine (and plus she's Genis' sister).


	212. Grey Hairs

Well, I finished my semester finals . . . I did well on AP English IV, Government, Art IV, Spanish II, and Anatomy was a gimmie . . . but I'm pretty sure that I failed AP Calculus . . . I never failed an exam before . . .

T.T

Anyway, this skit was inspired by a Baby Blues comic.

* * *

Anna fixes her hair in front of the vanity set. Kratos comes up to her and watches her absently. In his gaze he examines her chestnut hair.

". . . You're getting some grey hairs," he inattentively notes.

"Really?" she asks.

He confirms, "Yes. It's rather curious."

She continues fixing her hair. "Hmm. Maybe I'll dye it . . ."

_. . . with your BLOOD . . ._

Kratos shivers. "Burr! I felt a chill. Is there a draft in here?"


	213. When Pancakes Go Bad

You have to admit, this is pawnage material.

* * *

Raine cheers, "I made pancakes!"

Genis scrutinizes the three-stack pancakes set before him and can't help but be astonished. "Wow! Raine! They actually look delicious!"

Raine chirps, "Thank you! I did my very best!"

As she walks away Genis hungrily licks his lips and grabs his knife and fork, ready to dig in.

Suddenly, the top pancake opens up like it has a mouth on the side. A mouth with fangs and syrup dripping down from it like saliva.

"Raaah!" it roars with a tiny voice. "Rah! Rah! Raaaah!"

Genis stares in shock. He lifts up his knife and jabs down the middle of the stack.

"Raah! Uugh!" cries the pancake. "Raaugh!"

Genis wiggles and budges the knife while keeping it sheathed in the fiendish food. It cries in wrath and agony, until . . .

"Uuuuugh . . ." It dies off.

Genis releases his knife and slumps down in his seat, just staring at the pancakes he just killed. ". . . I should've known it was too good to be true . . ."

* * *

You need to check out the book titled "When Pancakes Go Bad" by Avi Muchnick. It is a collection of photoshopped pictures from Worth1000 . com. One of them is a picture of these demonic pancakes with fangs. I looked at that picture and tried to describe it the best as I could in this skit, but it's much more epic if you take a look at it.

The pancakes image can probably be found if you type in "When Pancakes Go Bad". It's the front cover picture. You cannot miss it.


	214. Cook!

tiger002, your wish has been granted.

* * *

The dragon roars menacingly. It rears its head and strikes down at the group.

"GAH!" cries Genis as he's flown away along with Regal, Zelos, and Sheena. Their bodies fall to the ground, unmoving and unconscious.

"Professor!" wails Colette. "We're not going to make it!"

Raine braces herself and begins casting as spell . . .

The dragon sees her and attacks.

"NO! Professor!" Lloyd blocks the dragon's strike with Guardian, and he, too, falls like the others.

Raine finishes her casting, "Taste my fury!"

"_Cook!_"

Chefs run about the field, much like "Nurse." They disappear, and . . .

"REEAAAUUUGH!!" howls the dragon as a vile substance chokes its throat. It gags on the horrible matter and falls to the ground, still clinging onto life. The foodstuff spatters from its mouth before the last of the dragon's life vanishes due to the poison.

". . . Wow!" Colette awes. "Professor Sage! You beat that dragon with your cooking! It's amazing!"

Presea states, "We have discovered an appropriate and effective outlet for Raine's level of culinary skill."

Raine miserably utters, "Don't mention it to anyone . . . Please . . ."


	215. It's a Fake!

"Yay!" cheers Lloyd. "Treasure~! Treasure~! Treasure~!"

"Be careful, Lloyd," Raine cautions. "Some chests might actually be traps."

"Nah, we would've found one by now," Lloyd says as he kneels down at one chest and opens it with a click . . .

"RRRAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR!!!!!"

"AH! FAKE! RUN AWAY!" Lloyd cries as plates soar through the air at him.

"RAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

* * *

About time I did something with fakes.


	216. The Twilight Zone

Test papers are handed back to the class. Genis takes his and looks at his grade.

He failed.

Lloyd takes his own test paper and glances at it. "Another one hundred as usual."

Genis switches between Lloyd, Lloyd's grade, and his failed test grade. Then he mutters, "This is either a really weird dream or I have just entered the Twilight Zone."

* * *

Anyone remember this bizarre TV show? I guarantee you, it's REALLY bizarre . . .


	217. The Substitute from Hell's Promotion

Is it just me or did the logo for this website change recently?

* * *

"Students," Raine addresses, "I have decided to divide my workload during this journey and acquired a new assistant to teach you some new subjects."

"Okay . . ." Lloyd looks around. "I only see Colette, Genis, and Kratos around. Who's this new assistant?"

Raine turns to Kratos, "So now while I will continue to teach history, science, and language arts, Kratos has agreed to teach you mathematics while I grade papers from the other subjects."

While Lloyd and Genis' jaws drop in horror, Colette chirps, "Wow! So first he was your substitute and now he's our new teacher! Isn't it great, Lloyd and Genis?"

There is only a stunned silence from her friends. The substitute from hell got a promotion.

* * *

Lloyd: Hey, I've been asking for a Super Smash Brothers skit for a long time now.

Me: I know. I've been ignoring you.

Lloyd: Well do one now. It's about time you did one since you like the game.

Me: Talk to the muse that adopted me.

Lloyd: *goes off the frame* Hey, Zelos?

Me: NO! I WASN'T SERIOUS! FINE! I'LL DO A SMASH BROS SKIT!

Lloyd: *comes back* That's better. ^^


	218. Super Smash

Zelos: So I hear you finally let Lloyd have his Smash Brothers skit.

Me: Yeah, I did. So?

Zelos: I also hear he threatened to call me when you said no again.

Me: . . . So? . . .

Zelos: Would it have anything to do with my dropdead looks? I'll bet they're like a siren's call to you. ;3

Me . . . No, that's not it. You're just so obnoxious that I need every bit of space that I can get. I was at my limit when Lloyd came along.

Zelos: You still hesitated~ *singsong!*

Me: That's because I was rendered speechless at the very stupidity that you said about the "siren's call."

* * *

I press the intercom button and say into it, "Practice melee. Four fifteen P.M. Battlers: Pikachu versus guest."

Through the dialogue radio, I hear the guest complain, "You can at least call me by my name!"

I press the intercom button again. "Just following standard procedure, Lloyd. Ten seconds till start." I press the start button on the control computer. Countdown begins . . .

"Lloyd has no idea what he's in for," Sheena comments.

_8 . . ._

Genis asks, "What do you mean? It's just a yellow rodent."

_5 . . ._

"A yellow rodent with electric powers," Zelos adds. "That thing can be a menace."

_1 . . ._

_FIGHT!_

Raine states, "The thing is that Pikachu is a highly experienced Smash Brothers competitor while Lloyd is new to the system."

Then through the radio we hear, "PikAAH!!"

_Ka-CHOOM!! _Light flashes from the lightning strike.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh . . . . . ."

_Ding!_

_GAME!_

I remark, "That should show him how much of a newbie he is here."

* * *

I did Pikachu so that I would spare his pride by not pitting him up against Jigglypuff.


	219. A Sad Day

I read one of Twilight Scribe's Z-Skit Theater skits (Sharp Dressed Man) and got the song it's based off of stuck in my head . . . but I only remember the main stanza. Now I've got "cause every girl's crazy about a sharp dressed man" going over and over and over in my head like a merry-go-round. It's a great song, but . . .

Speaking of great songs, check out Joe Satriani. He's a wonderful instrumentalist whose songs will blow you away. Plus he mainly does guitar so those of you who think instrumental songs (no lyrics) equals classic then you're in for a big wake-up call. (plus the music from video games are instrumental songs so no complaining in that area)

* * *

Marigold walks down the halls of the Kratos Aurion Fan Club Headquarters with files in her arms dealing of management and financial reports. Being president of this club is more than acting as the top obsessive fan.

She bumps into someone. "Oh, sorry," she amends as she looks up from the papers.

Anna, or at least a girl pretending to be Anna. The fan girl looks distraught and now humiliated as she realizes she's caught in a brown wig and clothes resembling Anna's.

Marigold snatches the fan's shoulders. "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?!" she screams. "DO YOU HAVE ANY PRIDE AS A FAN?!"

The fan stammers, "I-I'm s-sorry, Miss President! I-It's just . . . A-A-Anna s-seems like the type who K-Kratos likes!"

"_No!_" Marigold shouts. "If Kratos is destined to be with you then he will adore the _real_ you! Not some copy of a woman he _thinks_ he likes! Don't you dare give up on yourself like that and change out of those clothes!"

"Y-yes, Miss President!" The fan flees.

Marigold sighs. "Today is a sad day . . ."


	220. Dam Restaurant

Oh, come on! Everyone reading this has cracked this joke at least once in their life time! I live near a dam and a store there is called The Dam Store. Of course I'll make that joke at least once!

* * *

Lloyd, Genis, Sheena, and Zelos gather around as Raine goes ruin mode over the dam they just passed over with Regal and Presea explaining some things and Colette listening to her lecture.

Lloyd grumbles, "Man . . . I'm so hungry."

Genis points at the nearby restaurant and states, "Well there's the dam restaurant. We can order food there."

A pause . . .

Lloyd snorts in mirth. "Yeah, I can order myself a dam burger in there."

Genis merrily wonders, "Think they have any dam shakes?"

Zelos joins in, "I'm getting pretty hungry myself. I can get a dam meal and check out the dam waitresses."

Sheena adds, "They have some good dam specials in subs. I tried one after going on a dam mission here."

Lloyd chirps, "Then let's get the others and eat at the dam restaurant!"


	221. The Flea

I have just murdered one of John Donne's poems . . . T.T Dear Lord, I have sinned. Please forgive my transgression.

* * *

"No, Zelos, I'm not sleeping with you," Sheena growls for the fifth time.

Zelos sighs. He tried so many different ways to seduce the ninja and all he has to show is her irritation.

"Ow!" yips Sheena. She plucks something off her arm and identifies the offender. "A flea."

Then Zelos gets a new idea.

He says, "Mark but this flea, and mark in this how little you deny me. It bit me first and now it bites you, and in this flea our bloods mingle." He leans closer to her. "You know that this can't be called a sin, shame, or loss of virginity, yet this flea enjoys this before marriage, and pampered swells with one blood made of two." Then he shakes his head ruefully. "And that, sadly, is more than we would do."

Sheena stares at him as if he sprouted an extra head. Then she turns to the trapped flea. "I'm just going to crush it."

Zelos panics, "Wait! That's three lives in one flea: yours, mine, and its! We're almost more than joined! Through it you attempt to kill me and yourself as well and destroy that natural union, three sins in one!"

Sheena just looks at him . . . and crushes the flea.

_Crap. I need a new angle,_ he thinks. ". . . So cruel. You bloody your hands with the blood of an innocent? What crime did that one flea do except for that drop it sucked from you? Yet you think in killing that flea with a piece from us each that neither of us are weaker. If you would do such a heinous thing then why bother with honor? You might as well yield to me."

Sheena growls in irritation. "I'll give you credit for attempting to translate a good poem into modern language, but no means no. I'm _not_ going to sleep with you."

"Crap," he huffs. "So much for all that."


	222. Waking Up at the Tipton Hotel

I give a shout out to tiger002's fic "Tales at the Tipton", which is a really random and really obnoxious fic. I don't think it's his best, but it inspired this skit so you know that I like it.

Hey, I love obnoxious (which is the positive and amusing version of annoying).

By the way, for those of you who wouldn't know, the other half of this crossover is The Suite Life of Zack and Cody (which is who the twins in this are).

* * *

Kratos wakes up in his room in the Tipton Hotel. He turns on the coffee maker and gets himself dressed . . .

"Yahoo!"

Kratos turns to the door. "Huh?"

He walks to his room door and opens it—

Two luggage carts, one with twin brothers and the other with Lloyd and Genis, speed pass him and down the hall into—

CRASH!!

Into a wall . . .

Kratos counts backwards from twenty, mutters "Killing Lloyd and Genis is counterproductive," and sighs out a deep breath. After controlling his sudden burst of rage, Kratos dashes down the hall to determine the damage and then reprimand the idiots.


	223. Alien!

Hello again, everyone! That error that kept me from downloading my documents onto document manager has finally been fixed~! *singsong!*

I'm so happy, I could SING!!!

* * *

With a dead serious attitude, Zelos approaches Lloyd and Genis. "I need to warn you two about something."

They frown with concern. Zelos is being serious? "What is it?"

Zelos informs, "As you know, our world exists so it makes sense that this world isn't the only world that supports life. Well, recently studies have discovered otherworldly beings residing here besides Sylvarant."

Lloyd goes, "Are you seriously talking about . . . ?"

"That's right," Zelos confirms. "Aliens."

A pause . . . Then Lloyd and Genis burst into laughter.

"Ahahahahahahahah! Aliens?! Are you kidding me?! Ahahahahahahahah . . . !" Genis laughs.

Zelos remarks, "Hey, you laugh at me now but you have living proof that aliens exist. See happy ametuer over there? She's from Earth, which is a totally different planet than this one."

That stops their laughing.

Zelos continues, "Who knows what these aliens are really up to. They may act like they're one of us just living daily lives, but what are they really? Their motives are completely unknown. For all we know, they could be hostile spies."

Lloyd gets chills. "Wow. Creepy . . ."

Genis gets a wary look. "Zelos does have a point . . ."

I walk over. "Hey, guys—"

"_Aaaahh! Alien!_" Lloyd flees!

"It's an alien! An actual alien!" Genis follows after Lloyd.

I stand there stunned while Zelos gets himself into a fit of chortles. After a second of recollecting my wits, I turn to him.

"Asshole," I calmly snip.

"You know it~!"

* * *

If you think about it, it's true. SI OCs really are aliens to Symphonia.


	224. There Goes a Hot Guy

"This is what you get when you forget your bowling shoes," Zelos scolds. "Now you have to wear the bowling alley's old rental shoes."

I go up to the counter as I complain, "Zelos, you're my muse, not my dad. You're supposed to be giving me inspiration instead of a scolding. Sevens, please."

While the person at the counter retrieves the smelly rental shoes, Zelos remarks, "I can scold you for disorganization all I want. I hope you enjoy those ratty shoes."

"Excuse me. I'm paying for my bowling time."

A man stops next to me at the counter. Even though I now have my size sevens, I lost the ability to move away. All I could do is stare at the stranger whose masculine yet smooth features entice me into silence.

Then the man pays for his time and leaves. When I get over my stun, I stare ruefully at the door he exited through.

I mourn, "There goes a hot guy . . ."

Zelos tries to get my attention, "Hey! What about me? Hot guy right here!"

I go on, "He was soooo handsome . . . !"

Zelos shakes my shoulders. "Helloooo! Look right next to you! Hot, handsome man trying to get your attention!" Then he sighs, "Man, she just dropped me like that."


	225. Demon Arm Whispers

Lloyd whispers to Genis, "Poor Presea . . . She suffers a lot from her past, and the Demon Arms must be hell with how they keep talking to her."

Genis nods dejectedly. "I know . . . I wish I could help her. It must be horrible . . ."

Presea overhears their whispering as she rubs her aching head while the Demon Arms speak to her.

"_Good morning, our tiny favorite human!"_ says Evil Eye. _"Isn't the weather just delightfully lovely today?"_

"**And your dress is just so pretty and nice this morning!"** chirps Gates of Hell. **"Did you wash it with special soap?"**

"Guessssss what, Presssssea!" cheers Fafnir. "All the Demon Armsssss are having a party tonight! We need you to get chipsssssss and dip. I'll bring the cup cakessssss!"

"_**WHAT?!"**_ exclaims Nebilim. _**"It was MY turn to bring the cup cakes! You cheater! Well, I'LL bring CAKE! Beat THAT!"**_

"_I'm bringing a band~!"_ announces Disaster.

"**I hope it's a good band this time,"** expresses Soul Eater.

Presea mutters, "Lloyd and Genis have no idea what I go through everyday . . ."

* * *

I always crack up on "having a party tonight!"

Who knows what I might do next time. :3


	226. FIRE!

This is when Lloyd is first captured by the Renegades and he wakes up in a cell guarded by one Renegade and you have to fire at the guard with the Sorcerer's Ring. Well, this would be the guard's point of view. :3

By the way, the little word game that the group is playing is an actual game that I watched the school band's drumline play while they waited for a peprally to start.

* * *

A group of Renegades on their break time chant a game song at a fast tempo, "Late last night, while we were all in bed, old Mrs. Brown left the lantern in the shed. When the cow tipped it over, she whipped around and said 'It'll be a hot time by midnight tonight'. Fire! Fire!"

A little faster . . . "Late last night, while we were all in bed, old Mrs. Brown left the lantern in the shed. When the cow tipped it over, she whipped around and said 'It'll be a hot time by midnight tonight'. Fire! Fire! Fire!"

And faster . . . "Late last night, while we were all in bed, old Mrs. Brown left the lantern in the shed. When the cow tipped it over, she whipped around and said 'It'll be a hot time by midnight tonight'. Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!"

"FIIIRRRRRRE!!! AHHH!! I'M ON FIRE!!! PUT IT OUT!! PUT IT OUT!!!"

A lone Renegade member comes racing out of the prison hold in complete panic and severe distress. He runs madly around with a single flame eating at his sleeve as the group rushes to his aid.

The member wails, "FIRE!! PUT IT OUT! AAAHHH!!!"

The group works with little effort to extinguish the one flame on his arm. After that they restrain him to force him to calm down.

"What happened?!" exclaims one from the group.

"I-I don't know!" answers the distressed Renegade. "I was guarding this kid in red and taking my sweet time because I was the only one in there and all of a sudden _my arm was on fire!_"

"Why didn't you just stop, drop, and roll?" another questions.

"Wait a minute!" goes a third. "If you're the only one in the prison hold with that kid in red—the same kid Lord Yuan was desperate to get a hold of—and then you left then what's keeping him from breaking now?"

Silence . . .

"CATCH THAT KID IN RED OR WE'RE ALL IN FOR IT!!!"


	227. Random Cardboard Box

Here's a kick for all the Solid Snake fans reading this.

* * *

Botta sneaks into a room in the Asgard ranch. He steps next to a large cardboard box and—

"So when's this shift over with?"

Voices! Botta searches for a way out, but no escape! Then all he has to hide in is that cardboard box! This is bad. In order to complete this mission he can't be seen!

"I don't know—Hey! I think I heard something!"

Desperate, Botta flips the cardboard box up and slips under it . . .

"Huh? There's no one here!"

"What about that large random cardboard box just sitting suspiciously by itself?"

"Who would hide in a cardboard box?"

"Good point. Let's keep going."

The two patrol guards leave. When silence claims coast clear, Botta comes out from under the cardboard box and leaves the area. "I swear Desians get stupider with each year."


	228. Smash Brawl

Sequal to "Super Smash." A bit late, but hey!

* * *

Kratos enters the battle control room and finds me monitoring the current battle. "Happy. Have you seen Lloyd?"

"Yes." I point towards the battle field. "Over yonder in battle against the Great Yellow Rodent."

"Heh. He still competes against Pikachu?" Kratos moves to my side. "Well, the last battle did end rather bitterly for him when he lost against Pikachu."

"That it did."

Kratos notices the battler gauge. ". . . There are three players?"

"Yup." I add, "A fact that Lloyd and Pikachu have both forgotten, which will cost them dearly."

_KABOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!_

"PIKAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHhhhhhh . . ."

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhh . . ."

_Ding, ding!_

_GAME!_

"If I were them," I comment, "I would've paid more attention to Snake."

* * *

I've been on a Snake kick lately (and he's one of my fav brawl characters). I blame ShadowVDP. :P


	229. A Haunting in Symphonia

Yeah, so what if I got that title from "A Haunting in Conneticut"? I just gave credit for it. What are you going to do now? Sue me?

All accounts with the exception of Jackie are real accounts. Caroline is from this restraunt called Catfish Plantation and Beca is a waitress with her name changed.

* * *

"Soooo this bed and breakfast inn . . ." Zelos says to a female employee. "Is it really haunted like they say?"

She replies, "Well, yes, but not everyone sees something. I've been working here for seven months and I've only seen the results of things."

Zelos concludes, "So no one has actually seen anything."

"I didn't say that." The employee clarifies, "I said that I have only seen the results of things. Others have seen stuff, though. Beca had a latched door slowly open and slam in her face by itself last week. Then this ghost, Caroline, likes to hide the spoons we set up just after closing; we'd find them in really weird places. And there's this old set of drawers that would lock and unlock itself even though the key to it has been lost for years."

"Creepy," Zelos casually comments.

"By the way," she adds, "you're in room twelve, right? Jackie's a bed hog and might push you to the floor during the night. Oh, and don't get too creeped out if your stuff gets reorganized."

With wide eyes, Zelos asks, "Who's Jackie?"

* * *

I left Jackie gender-free so all of you can decide if Zelos is going to end up sleeping with a ghost girl or a ghost dude. :3

Zelos: You're evil, especially to your muse! This isn't right!

Me: *evil chuckle*


	230. Aging Wife

"Happy birthday, Anna," Kratos says to her.

She kisses him on the cheek. "Thanks, Kratos. So, what did you get me for my birthday?"

Kratos smiles and holds out a small box. Anna gingerly takes it and opens it . . .

She stares at her gift in bewilderment. "A . . . a box of chestnut brown hair dye?"

"For my thirty-year-old aging wife," he tells her. "You are now officially out of your youth."

Anna bites, "Like you're one to talk, cradle robber!"

* * *

For those of you who don't know, "cradle robber" is basically a person who marries or has a relationship with someone who's much younger than they are, say like ten years at the shortest for age gaps. The background behind it would be its literal meaning.

Kratos was definitely going to get Anna back for all the age-related insults she said on his birthday (see "Feeling Old"). The hair dye isn't the real birthday present in case you were wondering.


	231. Security Check

Everyone passes through the metal detector in the airport. Sheena sets her things on the conveyer belt for security check and passes through . . .

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep . . . !

"Damn," she curses. "I forgot about the metal wire support in my bra . . ."


	232. Snowball Sniper

Lloyd looks left, then right. No one in sight. He grins. So, his snowball throwing skills chased everyone into hiding. Well, he can find them. After all, he is the best in the grou—

_CHUP!!_

"GAH!!"

Lloyd falls face forward into the snow. Of in the distance, he hears the others cheer.

"That was awesome, Sheena!" goes Genis.

"Lloyd finally got hit!" chirps Colette.

"Hell yeah! You're a snowball sniper!" cheers Zelos.

"What do you expect out of my years of training to be a ninja?" Sheena brags.


	233. Worse Than Fan Girls

Sorry for no Valentine fluff yesterday. I was busy celebrating my sister's birthday (which lands on the same day as v-day).

* * *

Kratos and Yuan creep towards the unknown group. Their guard is tighter than it ever has been in years.

"Yggdrasill said that this is supposed to be one of the most dangerous takedown missions we ever did. Know anything else?" Yuan whispers.

Kratos shakes his head. "No. I know as much as you do. Hand me the telescope."

Yuan hands over the telescope. Kratos takes it and peers through it . . .

He gasps, "Yuan, we need to get out of here! It's a group of Mary Sues and each one has their own set of angel wings! We need new takedown tactics!"

Yuan grimaces. "They are worse than fan girls! Alright, let's retreat!"

The two sneak out.

* * *

Sues are some of the worst, aren't they?


	234. Good Player

This would be at the very beginning of Yuan and Martel getting to know each other and falling in love.

* * *

Mithos complains, "I can't believe Yuan dragged us here just to play golf."

Kratos states, "Everyone has a favorite sport to drag others along in."

Mithos watches Yuan hit his golf ball with a mighty swing. "Yeah, and I'm the only one complaining."

"You're the only one not enjoying himself," Kratos comments.

"I'm not the only one," Mithos corrects. "Martel didn't like it at all when Yuan wouldn't let her come play. He said something. What did he say?"

"He said that 'golf' is an abbreviation for 'gentlemen only; ladies forbidden,'" Kratos recalls.

"Idiot . . ." Mithos glances around, bored, and looks over in one direction. "Hey, it's Martel! She came to play. Why does she have that determined look on her face?"

Kratos glances between Martel and Yuan. "Looks like she's ready to prove Yuan wrong. . . . That's a good swing. She could actually catch up to Yuan with that skill."

Mithos eyes the ball Martel hit. "It's going, going . . . Ahahahahahahah! Her golf ball hit Yuan's head!"

"By the looks of things, she was aiming to hit him," Kratos notes. "We should have her play. Obviously she's a good golf player."

* * *

Out of all the ToS characters, Yuan is the only one I can imagine that would really get into golf. Mithos would think it boring, Kratos prefers other sports, and Martel would become addicted via Yuan.


	235. I'm Not Into Comics!

Mithos glances at the side while Lloyd and the others search the Sybak library for information on curing Colette's plight. Something catches his eye and he goes to investigate it. Finding the object on a magazine rack, he picks it up and starts reading.

Sheena takes note and looks at the cover. ". . . You're into the Parody Comic Books series?"

"Huh? Ah, no!" he recovers. "I'm not into comics!"

Sheena looks back at the cover and reads, "'Parody Comic Books, Volume Thirteen: Attack of the Zombie Vampire Robots . . . From Space!' Are you sure you're not into comics?"

"It just caught my eye!" Mithos quickly puts the comic back up.

Sheena still doesn't buy it. "It's alright. Parody Comic Books are a little cheesy for my tastes, but every once in a while they do come out with something good."

"Really!" Mithos insists. "It just caught my eye and I was curious!"

Sheena shrugs. "Okay." Then she walks off.

Mithos watches for a moment, then he turns back to the rack and picks the comic book back up.

". . . Heheheh . . ."

* * *

Who knows? Maybe Mithos is actually a comic book junkie. Anyway, I looked up some shirts on . com and found that the shirt of the day (this was a LOOOONG time ago so it's not there anymore) was a shirt making fun of comic books and the title for it was Zombie Vampire Robots! From Space! So I just applied it here. ^^


	236. Presentado Su Afeccion

WARNING! Before you look at the bottom for translations, I highly recommend you don't. Otherwise you'll ruin the effect I'm trying to get for you with this skit!!!

* * *

Zelos saunters up to Sheena with a bouquet of roses. He smiles his famous grin and winks at her.

Sheena braces herself for another headache.

Zelos hands her the roses. "Hola, senorita bonita. ¿Te encantan las rosas?"

Sheena regards him cautiously. "Ah, thanks, but what are you doing this time?"

Zelos replies, "Yo estoy presentado mi afección por ti. ¿Cantare para ti?"

"Zelos?" Sheena watches him in question. "Why are you getting on your knee and what's with the guitar?" Then she sighs. "Stop, Zelos. We both know you can't sing . . ."

* * *

This is all Spanish.

Title: Presenting His Affection

First Phrase: Hello, pretty miss. You love the roses?

Second Phrase: I am presenting my affection for you. Shall I sing for you?

With a Spanish-English dictionary and a Spanish II text book along with a bit of help from my marvolous Spanish teacher, I managed to make this.

See what learning a second language can do for you? ^^

**By the way, I'm trying to come up with some Kratos Aurion Facts (yes, the popular tos jokes ripped off from Chuck Norris Facts). The only problem is that I'm not coming up with much. *sweatdrop***

**Come up with some, my gracious and fabulous readers/reviewers, and I'll use them in my writing, including Protesting, Confessions, Four to the Throne, and Through the Brother's Eyes. Anything that has Kratos in it, I'll use it.**


	237. Required Show of Appreciation

"Dinner's ready!" Zelos announces.

Lloyd cheers, "Alright! Dinner!"

"Wait!" Zelos says.

Everyone stops and waits with growing agitation.

Zelos states, "Before anyone gets a bite, all of you must show me some appreciation for cooking this fine meal. All the guys must bow at my feet and tell me that I am the pinnacle of masculinity and the ladies must give me a kiss."

During the stunned silence, Sheena regards him for a moment. She walks to her bag and pulls out a set of brass knuckles.

"Or you can tell me that the meal is delicious!" Zelos hurriedly recovers. "I can settle for that!"

* * *

Hey, I'm a Zelos fan and even I don't think that the androgenous skirt chaser is the pinnacle of masculinity. When I think of the pinnacle of masculinity for strictly Tales of Symphonia, I think of Regal then Kratos. Zelos doesn't come in last (not by a long shot since there are worse in that game), but he certainly isn't in the top five.


	238. Answering For Him

Lloyd walks up to Genis and asks—

"Where did Raine go?" Genis guesses. "Sorry, Lloyd, but I don't really know where she is right now. Why do you need to see her?"

Lloyd pauses for a moment, and then replies—

"You ran out of apple gels and need some more? They're in my bag," he points out.

Lloyd uneasily watches Genis as he takes the gels. Once he has a few in hand he comments—

"That's pretty creepy? Well, I guess it's creepy to you," Genis finishes.

Then Lloyd questions—

"Am I psychic? No, Lloyd, I'm not psychic. You're just that predictable."

* * *

This skit came from my excitement over the use of my brain child Adrian Fortman, who is currently being used in ShadowVDP's fic "Outer Heaven".

For details, you gotta look him up yourself. The importain thing for most of you, however, is the skit. I'm just so happy to see my brain child in that fic so I'm just sharing it with the world. Yes, yes, I know. The other OCs that I've created are my brain children too, but it's different to see an OC that you volunteered in your own work and in someone else's work.

**Oh, by the way, I'm still looking for some good Kratos Aurion facts or Chuck Norris jokes to change into Kratos Aurion facts.**


	239. Birthday Present

The title would be in quotation marks but fanfic . net won't allow that.

Anyway, yes, today, March 1st, is my birthday. I turn 18 this fine year of 2010. If you want to give me a present, you'll review.

Also, a happy birthday to ShadowVDP who also shares the same birthday.

* * *

I gather my presents after a good birthday celebration and take them to my room for placement. Upon entering I find an unexpected guest sitting lazily on my bed.

I give the guest a flat stare. "I thought I told you a long time ago that you're not supposed to be in my room. In fact, I think I told you twice."

Zelos gets up. "Hey, now. I'm just here to give you a little birthday present."

I keep my face at slightly aggravated. "Now I'm suspicious. What do you mean by 'birthday present'? And why alone?"

He pulls something out of his pocket and hands it to me. "I just think that little things like this don't need to be x-rayed by your parents since you are no longer a minor now."

I brace myself as I take it. Inhaling a deep breath, I look at the slip of paper before me. My jaw goes slack in aggravation.

"What the heck is this . . . ?" I go. "An all-access pass to the Great Zelos' bedroom?"

"And no expiration date, if you know what I mean," he adds.

I just stare at it. ". . . I don't know if I should be flattered that you find me attractive enough to sleep with or disturbed that you're giving me this offer right when I turn eighteen. _Then_ I don't know if I should feel insulted by the simple fact that you think that giving this pathetic amount effort will get me in your bed or just relieved that you're not bombarding me with your best seduction attempts like you do with Sheena."


	240. The Cursed Training Ground of Mizuho

The title pretty much set my setting up for me. I got this idea after watch Robot Chicken and was reminded of a classic manga.

* * *

Lloyd watches Sheena train her balance on the top of the bamboo poles planted in water springs. "Wow! That's really amazing!"

Sheena shakes it off. "Nah, it's nothing special. You should see Orochi. He never lost his balance here."

"He never fell into the springs below?" Lloyd goes.

"Nope. Never," she confirms. "Of course, he had a very good reason not to."

"Really? What was it?" he asks.

"Well—WHOA! _Whoa! Whoa!_" she cries as she starts to lose balance.

Lloyd rushes into the spring under her. "Hang on, Sheena! I'll catch you!"

Sheena instantly regains her balance as she cries, "NO! Lloyd! Don't go into the spring!"

Too late. Lloyd was already in the spring. He looks at her with a puzzled face. "Why? What's wrong with this spring?"

". . . It's the spring of the drowned girl . . ."

"So?" he says, not noticing his voice getting a little higher.

". . . Every guy who goes into the spring of the drowned girl turns into a girl . . . Like this one ninja from Mizuho named Ranma . . ."

Lloyd's breath dies. He looks down at himself and finds . . .

"_Kyaaaahh! I'm a girl!_"

Sheena presses her palm on her face. "Why this spring of all the cursed springs? . . ."

* * *

Well this certainly adds a whole new level of complicated. XD

Ranma 1/2 fans should've seen it coming as soon as Sheena stated that Lloyd just jumped in the spring of the drowned girl.

*sigh . . .* This is all I come up with after a while? This is the worst case of writer's block that I've had in a while.


	241. Meeting Lloydette

The Cursed Training Ground of Mizuho just _demanded_ a sequal.

* * *

Sheena enters the chief's house followed by a girl dressed in Lloyd's clothes. "Guys, we have a problem."

Zelos faces towards the new girl. "Who's the hot chick? Did you trade Lloyd in for her? Works for me!"

Although the girl is clearly humiliated, she wasn't too embarrassed to glare at Zelos before turning away.

Chief Igaguri scrutinizes the new girl. "Sheena, did Lloyd fall into the spring of the drowned girl?"

Sheena turns crimson. ". . . Yes he did."

"I see." Chief Igaguri turns to the girl. "I'm sorry this happened to you, Lloyd. Go bathe in hot water and you will turn back into your original gender."

Raine goes, "Wait, that's Lloyd?!"

Sheena nods. "He fell into the cursed spring that turns men into women . . ."

Zelos cries out, "So I was just now checking out Lloyd?! Ah man ah man ah man ah man ah man ah man ah man ah . . ."

Genis ignores Zelos's panic and happily offers, "We can help you find some new dresses, Lloyd."

Colette chirps, "This is so cool! I wonder how Dirk and Kratos would react to having a daughter."

The girl looks ready to die. "Just leave me alone, guys . . ."


	242. Daughter of Kratos

This is the last one. Also, Kratos is an old man so he's prone to reminessing and not realizing just how awkward the situation is . . . on the rare occasion.

Kratos: You're pushing your luck.

Me: Okay, okay. Just don't hurt me . . . T.T

* * *

Kratos wordlessly approaches the girl identified as Lloyd as she waits for the bath water to heat up.

"So . . ." he starts. "I hear I now have a daughter."

The female Lloyd moans, "Please don't remind me . . ."

Kratos continues, "When I first realized that you were my son I was amazed at how much you resembled Anna. Now I see that if you were born as a girl then you would perfectly resemble her, save for your face shape which you got from me."

"I really don't want to talk to anyone right now . . ."

"Right," Kratos quickly adds. "I apologize for intruding. I'll leave you alone now."

As soon as Kratos leaves, Lloyd strips down and dives into the heating water. The sooner she turns back the sooner this nightmare will end."


	243. Kratos Aurion Facts

. . . Well, I'm resourceful. Even if I ask politely and don't get anything I can still get what I need.

I made up fact and tried to remember another but it could be off and adapted a third to match Kratos's character.

* * *

"Damn it," Mithos curses. "How come Kratos is so much stronger than us?"

Martel replies, "Kratos is just more practiced at swordsmanship than we are. Besides, you're better than Kratos when it comes to magic."

"What about me?" Yuan reminds.

Mithos remarks, "We can ignore you."

Yuan scowls.

Martel suggests, "If you find Kratos's strength that vexing then you can tease it."

Mithos gives his sister a flat stare. "How?"

Martel goes, "Well . . . Make up a joke. How about 'Kratos Aurion doesn't read; he glares at the text until it gives up its information."

Yuan smirks. "Nice. Every time Kratos Aurion approaches a beach the water parts before him."

Mithos says, "Outer space is everything too afraid to live on the same planet as Kratos Aurion."

Martel takes her turn, "Before the Boogieman goes to bed he checks his closet for Kratos Aurion."

Then Yuan, "It takes sixty minutes for Kratos Aurion to eat an eighty-ounce steak: forty-five minutes to eat the steak and fifteen minutes to defeat an entire legion of Mizuho ninjas."

Then Mithos, "Evolution doesn't exist; only the creatures Kratos Aurion has allowed to live."

And it goes on and on.


	244. Super Smash Stew

Another dreaded Super Smash skit. I think it might become something of a run-on joke like the Zelos flurting with Sheena jokes.

* * *

Genis enters the Super Smash Brothers control room and couldn't help but laugh, "Ahahah! Lloyd is still at it?"

I snip, "For all. F**king. Night. Long. I'm so tired, I'm _pissed_."

He steps to my side. "Who's he up against this time?"

I tell him, "Pikachu, Snake, and Kirby. Right now it's a fight to stay on the platform and a dodge fest. Hopefully Lloyd will get lucky and break a smash thing."

Genis frowns in confusion. "A what?"

"Sorry, I forgot what it's called 'cause I'm so tired." I clarify, "The thing that allows them to use their ultimate attack." Then I lean forward as I cry out, "OH! There's one! Get it, Lloyd! Get it!"

"Kirby got it." After a moment Genis exclaims, "Whoa! Kirby's literally cooking them!"

_BOOM!_

"GAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

"PIKA-PIKAAAAAHHHHH!!"

"NOT AGAAAAAIIIINNNNN!!"

_GAME!_

"Lloyd-Snake-Pikachu stew," I casually comment.

Genis expresses, "That's one stew I won't ever eat."


	245. No Green

Sorry for disappearing. Imagine having no internet connection during all of spring break. Horrible.

Anyway, this was supposed to be posted on St. Patrick's Day. Also, I noticed that the only characters who are wearing green are Tabitha, Martel, and Lady Mana, and all of them are basically the same character.

* * *

"Ow!" Yuan yips. "Stop that!"

Martel giggles, and pinches his arm again.

"Ow!" Yuan gripes, "Martel, I told you to stop!"

"You can't complain," she tells him with a smile. "Not when you're not wearing any green on Saint Patrick's Day."

"Go pick on the others!" he demands.

"I can't," she informs. "Unlike you, they are wearing green."

"Oh really?" Yuan turns to look.

Mithos points to the new green bandana. "I learned a long time ago to wear green on this holiday before Martel sees me without any green on."

Yuan switches to Kratos.

The mercenary holds up his hand to display the tiny green bracelet.

Yuan comments, "That tiny thing is really pushing it—OW!"

Martel giggles again and pinches his arm once more.

"Ow! Stop pinching me already!"

* * *

Be a flirt and unbearably obnoxious, Martel! Pinch him in the butt!


	246. It's Not What It Looks Like!

I felt like throwing in some mischief so here it is. ^^

* * *

Zelos cleans his blade just out of care for it. Swords need to be regularly cared for, too. He whistles a merry tune while he polishes his sword.

"Zelooooosss!" growls a voice behind him.

Zelos turns halfway to look. "Oh, hey, Lloyd. What's up?"

Lloyd confronts, "You just kept staring at Sheena and the Professor instead of doing anything to help on that last battle! I was right next to you and you wouldn't even look while that monster was about to kill me!"

Zelos shrugs. "I don't see a problem. You're alive, right?"

"Only because Regal had to come in from far off to save my ass!"

Zelos turns back to his sword. "So what's the big deal? You got a happy ending after all. End of story."

"Wrong!" Lloyd snatches Zelos's sword and flings it to the other side of the room. "I've had enough of your attitude! You can at least help your comrades when they're right next to you!"

Zelos jumps to his feet. "You're starting to piss me off!"

"Good!" Lloyd snatches Zelos's shirt. "Maybe you will pay attention to what I'm saying while I beat the crap out of you!"

Zelos seizes Lloyd's coat. "You can't even put a scratch on me, wuss!"

The two wrestle, trying to get the other pinned long enough to land a punch. However, Zelos gains footing and shoves Lloyd down, coincidentally onto the inn room's bed. Zelos leaps on top of Lloyd and pins him down.

"Get off me!" Lloyd bites.

Zelos taunts, "See? You can't even pin me on the ground! I'm going to enjoy beating you senseless!"

_Creee._

The two freeze and look to the door. Sheena stands there staring at the two of them in this compromising position with a large number of mixed emotions including shock. She blushes as soon as she realizes how long they were staring at each other.

"Sorry, didn't know you were busy," Sheena amends. "I'll just be going now."

"_Wait, Sheena!_"

"_It's not what it looks like!_"

* * *

Zelos: You are so going to pay.

Me: What are you going to do? Plague me with headaches? You're just a figment of my imagination.

Zelos: *death glares* I'll find something. Just you wait.


	247. Texting

Imagine Anna and Kratos have cell phones and this takes place at Luin.

* * *

Anna: Kratos can I meet u somewhere? I need to tell u something.

Kratos: Sure. Where and when do you need to meet me?

Anna: The fountain 4?

Kratos: I can do that. I will see you then.

Anna: Ok. See u.

Unknown number: Marigold, I kno u have my cell bc I see u texting on it. Meet me at the fountain at four pm and we'll trade our phones back.

Anna: What if I say no? :P

Unknown number: Then say goodbye to your pretty Iphone as I smash it with a hammer.

Anna: Cant it be some other time?

Unknown number: Fountain at four or the Iphone gets it.

Marigold grimaces at the texts. "That was a dumb move for me to do . . ."


	248. Marigold's Nightmare Come True

After some deep meditation and contemplation and soul searching, I have decided to do one of the hardest things for me to do on fanfiction . net.

I have decided to end Protesting Against Late Night Writers as of now on April 1st, 2010.

I just can't come up with anything anymore, so I'm ending the series until I can come up with a brilliant Last Skit.

By the way, this second to last skit is a sequal to the previous.

* * *

Marigold and Anna stare each other down at the fountain.

"At three," Anna states. "One, two, three!"

They trade their phones back.

Marigold hugs her Iphone. "Thank god it isn't broken! All those months of saving up for it!"

"Anna."

The two turn and find Kratos. "You needed to tell me something?"

Anna glances at Marigold, knowing she used Anna's cell phone to lure Kratos here before Anna caught her, and turns back to Kratos with a smile. "Yes, I do need to tell you something."

Anna leaps to Kratos and throws her arms gloriously around him. Her lips plant passionately on his and, after a slight startled second, Kratos responds by kissing her back. After a long, passionate moment, the two part and stare into each other's eyes.

"I love you," Anna tells him.

Kratos tells her back, "I love you, too."

Marigold could only stare in deep shock.


	249. Too Sexy

The announcement I made on April 1st about quitting Protesting . . .

April Fools.

I'm not quitting until the 400th skit. By the way, this skit is a whole lot funnier if you've heard the song displayed.

* * *

Sheena reads in the quiet study. Zelos walks over with a boom box and sets it down next to her. He presses the play button . . .

"_I'm . . . too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it huuurrts . . ."_

Sheena heaves a heavy sigh.

"_I am a model, you know what I mean. And I shake my little tush ooonn the catwalk, ooonn the catwalk, ooonn the catwalk . . ."_

Sheena wearily expresses, "I suppose I should be grateful you aren't dancing along to it. Still, put your shirt back on. This isn't attractive at all."


	250. Run Away!

This is a nice reference to the killer rabbit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

* * *

A large white rabbit hops up to the three.

Colette kneels down and coos, "Aww! What a cute bunny!"

Lloyd backs away uneasily. "Y-yeah. Cute."

Genis peers down at the rabbit turning towards his feet as he teases, "What's wrong, Lloyd? You aren't afraid of a cute little bunny rabbit, are you?"

Lloyd edges away up the trail. "Um . . . That 'cute little bunny rabbit' is actually very dangerous . . ."

Genis goes, "What's so dangerous about a—"

_CHOMP!!_

"_Get it off me!! Get it off meeee!!_" Genis screams in agony as he tries to kick the rabbit off his ankle.

Colette kicks the rabbit off Genis's ankle and together with Lloyd they flee deeper into the Iselia forests.

"Run awaaay!!"

"Run away!!"

"Run awaaaaayyyy!!"


	251. Easter Smash

I'm looking for an anime artist who will draw a character or two for me. If anyone knows of a good one then please inform me via pm or review. I really want to get my two favorite OCs that I've ever written drawn or at least one of them.

Here's an Easter skit.

_

* * *

_

SMASH!!

"_DIVINE JUSTICE!!!_"

_BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!_

_GAME!!_

Lloyd comes out of the arena, beaten but victorious. "I won, guys! I finally won!"

Genis shouts, "That was so cool, Lloyd! All that action and violence! Then you ended it with your Smash attack! Awesome!"

"Totally epic!" Zelos excitedly sums up.

"Hey, Lloyd!" I call. "God gave you an Easter card along with your present."

Lloyd takes the card from my hand and reads . . .

_Dear Lloyd,_

_I knew you would love this victory on Super Smash Brothers. Enjoy your triumph._

_Happy Easter – God_

Recognizing the handwriting, Lloyd snips, "Ha-ha, happy. Very funny. I won that all by myself!"


	252. Small World

I actually had this for a dream last night. By the way, for the other car imagine the richest, newest, most efficient sleak rich-person car you can imagine (since I don't know squawt about cars).

* * *

Out in the parking lot, I get into my car and start the engine. After setting the gearshift into reverse I check the area for any sign of coming cars. Happy with the clearance, I slowly back out . . .

_CRANCH!_

I hit the breaks and my eyes fly to the rearview mirror. A shiny black 2010 Jaguar halts behind me with my bumper deep in its left headlights.

"Oh, god! Where did that come from?" I woefully moan as the angry driver steps out of his beautiful car.

"God, no! It's Yuan!" I mutely bewail as the driver checks the damage on his shiny new car and glares hell at me. "Of all people in the world, I back out into Yuan!"

Yuan marches up to my car and taps on the driver's side window. I reach up to the electric window's down button and roll the window down. I sink deeper into my seat under his glare.

"It's a small world, isn't it?" he evenly snips.

"Yeah," I squeak. "Small world."


	253. Tails!

Zelos takes out a coin. "Hey, Sheena! Heads, I kiss you. Tails, I lave you alone for today."

Sheena fishes in her pocket, saying, "Fine, but only if we use my coin."

Zelos silently agrees to that as Sheena flips her coin. It flies up in the air and lands at their feet.

"Tails!" Sheena announces.

With a sigh, Zelos picks up the coin to hand back to Sheena. Then he realizes something funny about the coin's weight.

"Wait a minute!" He protests, "This coin is loaded!"

"So?" Sheena goes. "It still landed on tails."


	254. Don't Gamble with a Ninja

Zelos gets out his coin. "Heads, we kiss; tails, I leave you alone for today. This time we're using my coin."

Before Sheena can deny the set up Zelos flips the coin into the air. It comes falling down to the ground . . .

Sheena catches it before it lands and pockets the coin.

"Hey! That's not fair!"

Sheena just shrugs. "Then don't gamble with a ninja."


	255. He Ate Me!

I'm getting more into making SSB skits lately.

Anyway, if you got eaten by Kirby you would be just as disturbed.

* * *

Genis enters the Super Smash Brothers control room. "So you've been hiding here all this time?"

I go, "Who said I'm hiding? I'm supervising this fight between Lloyd, Kirby, Pikachu, and Snake."

"Yuan said," Genis states. "He also said something about his new Jaguar and having you pay for damages."

"Oh, look!" I merrily shout. "Kirby swallowed Lloyd! Let's see what he looks like after spitting him out!"

Genis rolls his eyes before coming to see. "Looks like Kirby got Lloyd's hair style and the streamers along with the swords and his Demon Fang attack."

From the intercom we hear, "H-he _swallowed_ me! Kirby just swallowed me whole and spit me back out!"

I mutter, "Get it together, Lloyd. Someone's going to take advantage of this."

"He _ate_ me! He ate me and puked me out! I can't believe he just—"

_BOOM!_

"_AAAAaaaaahhhh . . . !_"

_Ding!_

Genis comments, "I suppose Snake couldn't resist taking advantage of the situation."


	256. CDi Trauma

This is more of a joke for those who know what CDi is.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, CDi is THAT bad. Just look it up for yourself and you will see that I do NOT exaggerate.

All I did was watch the Angry Video Game Nerd review for the Zelda CDi games and I went on a Zelda binge to replace the horrible images of the reviewed games!

If you don't know what CDi is (lucky) then look it up. I could turn this into a five page report of how awful CDi is and make it a high quality essay with evidence to my argument and all and be able to make an excellent grade in college.

* * *

While Lloyd relaxes in the Super Smash Brothers commons area with a soda in his hand, he spies Link pacing nearby.

"Are you waiting for something?" Lloyd asks.

"Hm?" Then Link answers, "Yes. I'm waiting on Zelda and Gannondorf. We're having an every man for himself sort of brawl. We're all against each other."

Lloyd comments, "You will probably have to wait. Mario and Wario are having a brawl right now."

Link sighs, "What are they fighting over _this_ time?"

Lloyd shrugs. "I don't know. I didn't hear the entire argument. I think Wario was taunting Mario over one of his games. Something about a 'CDi' thing."

Link freezes in trauma as the memories return.

"Hey, Link?" Lloyd goes. "What's 'CDi,' anyway? Mario seemed really disturbed and I've never seen him act like that before. Link? Link, are you okay?"

As Link shivers from the old scars from CDi, Zelda approaches and says, "Gannondorf is going to be a moment. He's watching the brawl between Mario and Wario. . . . Link? What's wrong?"

Link gains a distressed expression. ". . . You go on ahead, Zelda. I'm going to arrange a meeting with my councilor. I'm having relapses."

Zelda gasps in shock. "Why?! What happened?!"

". . . CDi . . ."

Zelda slaps her palm against her forehead. "Link, don't go back. Just take the day off. Here, I will help you back home."

Lloyd guiltily goes, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

Zelda waves her hand at him. "No. Don't feel guilty. If Link is having relapses of CDi this easily then it was only a matter of time. Come along, Link."

As Zelda escorts a disturbed Link away, Link mutters, "Remember that giant-lips monster in the armor . . . ?"

"Yes, I remember the giant-lips monster."

"And the wizard that melted into water while screaming that you killed him? And that you said 'good'?"

". . . Yes, I remember . . ."

"Then that all it took to defeat Gannondorf was to throw a measly book at him?"

"I remember, Link. How could I ever forget?"

". . . It was pitch black in sunlit places, like the tops of trees."

"I know, Link. I carried a lantern everywhere."

"I was the damsel in distress in one. I woke up in the end like I just took a nap wondering what happened. I looked so stupid . . ."

"I know, Link. I know."

Lloyd uneasily ponders, "How did something get to be that bad?"

* * *

How did something get to be that bad? Simple, Lloyd. CDi.


	257. That's What She Said

Yeah, every one of you knows what kind of joke I'm about to pull.

Hmmm . . . On April 6th I got about 600 hits total. Then the 7th . . . nothing. 8th nothing, 9th nothing, 10th nothing and so on and so forth. Guys I can't get NOTHING from ANY of my fics when I'm also getting reviews on those days! Fanfic . net is screwing with my account. How do I get them to fix this, though? . . .

* * *

Sheena struggles with the super intricate puzzle before her. "Ugh! Why won't it fit?!"

Zelos slurs, "That's what she said."

"Shut up, stupid Chosen!" Sheena dismisses him from her thoughts and focuses on the puzzle. She tries to fit the piece in another spot but fails. "It's too big."

"That's what she said."

"Zelos!" Sheena snaps. "Say that again and I'll throw this at you!"

Zelos remains quiet.

Sheena goes back to the puzzle. After ten minutes of trying, Sheena sets the puzzle down and sighs, "This is too hard . . ."

"That's what she said."

Sheena chunks the puzzle at Zelos' head.


	258. Research Suggestion

Raine calculates, "So angels of Derris Kharlan have a wide range of abilities and immunities. With that in mind . . ." Raine glances over at Yuan and Kratos who currently travel with the group. ". . . I wonder if angels can get sick. There is Angel Toxicosis and Chronic Angelus Crystalus Innoficium, but one is necessary for the angel transformation while the other is an extreme case."

Genis inquires, "Are you wondering if angels can get colds or poisoned?"

"Yes," Raine answers, "I am."

Genis suggests, "Why don't you use your cooking to see if they can get food poisoning?"

_SMACK!_

"OWCH!"

* * *

Watch as Raine turns around and tries that out.


	259. A Master's Discipline

While a waiter passes a red glass bottle to Regal, Zelos sits next to him and says, "You know, I never realized just how powerful martial arts can be before I met you. I always thought it was one of those things people tended to exaggerate."

Regal drinks the red glass before answering, "A lot tend to exaggerate martial arts far beyond what is rational but the part where the urban legends talk about discipline isn't far off the mark."

Zelos chuckles. "So you've actually meditated under waterfalls and stuff like that?"

"I have," Regal confirms. "I thought it rather stereotypical but I wasn't in the place to question my master."

Zelos overplays a ninja karate master voice, "And now, young one, you have disciplined your body to perfection. Pain is no longer your enemy. You can even eat bottles without feeling any agony as the glass shards cut through your teeth."

Regal, with a complete straight face, replies, "Yes, I actually have."

Zelos snorts in mirth. "Disciplined your body to perfection or eaten glass and not feel pain?"

"Both."

Zelos shrugs that off. "The discipline part I'll believe, but you're too sane to eat glass."

Regal regards him before taking the last swig of his drink and, without any hesitation, takes a chomp out of the bottle and munches it down with glassy crunches.

Zelos watches Regal with wide eyes as the impossible man snacks on the entire bottle, his gums and teeth stained with red liquid yet not flinching in the least against the glass. After the last swallow there is a following silence.

". . . Okay then." Zelos gulps. "You're the master." He glances around and starts walking away. "I see Sheena over there. I'll go see if she wants a drink or something."

A moment after Zelos leaves, the waiter that served Regal returns and asks, "Master Bryant, did you like the new candy glass bottles we're serving?"

With a laughing twinkle in his eyes, Regal replies, "Yes, I did. I especially like the red punch flavor you just served me. Could you give me a few more bottles to take along for travel? I find these rather delightful."


	260. Old Puns

I know. Lame title. Couldn't think of anything else. This skit is just what it is.

* * *

"**Hey, Celsius! How can you stand the **_**cold**_** up there in an outfit like that? Doesn't it get a little **_**chilly**_**?"**

"_Shut up, Gnome. I don't want to hear those lines again."_

"**Why treat me like that? Is it because of your **_**frigid**_** personality?"**

"_Cut it out, Gnome! Those puns get really old!"_

"**Ah, come on, Cel! I just want to know why you choose to wear something so skimpy. I can't understand since I'm such a **_**down-to-earth**_** kind of guy."**

"_I'll show you down-to—"_

"SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!" Sheena shouts while clutching her head.

There is an uneasy silence as Lloyd and the others turn and stare at Sheena with shock and concern . . .

Sheena amends, "Ahh . . . It was Gnome and Celsius. They were fighting again . . ." She rubs her head and mutters, "Oh, boy, _this_ is going to be a _loooong_ explanation . . ."

* * *

IT'S THE VOICES IN MY HEAD!!! Must suck to be Sheena right now.


	261. Relating to One Another

"It's hard to be a summoner at times like these!" Sheena vents as she paces next to Presea. "The summon spirits don't always get along and when they don't I always hear about it since they always seem to forget that they basically live in my head and don't keep it down! I swear I get more migraines now than I ever have before!"

"It really does sound hard, Sheena," Presea says.

Sheena sighs. "Here I am telling someone about how hard it is to have voices in your head. I must sound like a lunatic. Am I at least making sense to you?"

Presea watches Sheena intently.

"_Can I tie your hair up in braids, Presea?"_ asks Gates of Hell.

"**After that, can I do your make-up?" **chirps Evil Eye.

"We're going to make you look so pretty!" cheers Soul Eater.

Presea replies, "Don't worry, Sheena. I can perfectly understand you."

* * *

Presea would perfectly understand Sheena, only Sheena doesn't have those cheery Demon Arms chattering all day long in her ear. If you don't remember then look up skit #225: Demon Arm Whispers.


	262. Blind Confusion

Sorry, Protesting fans. I'm on a Confessions binge. I'll get on to this and other fics as soon as I'm done getting over writing my SI 24/7.

On another note, this one is just mainly cute, but think about it. Things like this had to happen at least once in places like these.

Anyway, thank you ShadowVDP and tiger002 for being the only ones who reviewed last time I updated this fic.

* * *

In the Temple of Darkness, Martel notices the candle loosing its wax. Then it goes out. Everything goes dark in an instant.

"Who has the last stick of blue candle wax?" Martel asks.

"I do," Kratos' voice responds. "Here—AH!"

"GAH!"

"Ah! Whoa! AHH!"

"ACK! AAAHH!"

"Ugh!"

"What happened? Kratos? Yuan?!"

"Luna! Give us light!"

Light comes upon the group and reveals everything around them. Kratos strains to keep himself from falling off the stairway ledge he currently dangles on. Meanwhile, Yuan was found gripping tightly on Kratos' foot, desperately trying to make sure he doesn't fall down into the bottomless pit below.

Mithos exclaims, "What the hell happened?!"

Kratos bites, "I don't know! I tripped on Yuan's damn cape and the next thing I know I'm falling down here!"

Yuan gripes, "That's strange, because all I knew was that something yanked my cape around and pulled me down! I would have fallen if I didn't catch Kratos' feet!"

Mithos flatly replies, "It would probably be a lot more convenient if you two would've just fallen. At least get rid of the cape."

Martel snaps, "That's not funny, Mithos! At least help me get them up!"

* * *

Lloyd's existence is really a miraculous thing. His father is a 4000-year-old man who must've had countless close calls to death and his mother is an Exsphere host who's basically dying during the time she knew Kratos. Then there's the fact that the Exsphere could've messed something up while she was pregnant with Lloyd and might've killed him.

Gaspa! If that Exsphere messed something up then now we know how Lloyd got to be an idiot! Brain damage!

Lloyd: *glares*

Me: ^^ People only tease those they love so you know I love you!


	263. Una Bolita

I know that Sheena has had some good winning streaks on gambling when it comes to Zelos, but Zelos is a lot smarter than most of us give him credit for and a person can't win or lose all the time. So they made another bet and here are the results.

Sorry, everyone. Sheena wouldn't tell me what the bet was. Even after I threatened blackmailed her (and a lot of you know I can blackmail these characters. Just look at Kratos on skit #50).

Anyway, there's this nice ice cream shop that's run by Spanish-speaking employees. It's really nice. Great ice cream. Great service. Great quality. That's where this is taking place.

**Edit: thanks to OkonoMiyagi, there were some grammar errors that have been spotted and corrected. Thanks, Okono-san.**

* * *

"Zelos?" Sheena warily goes. "Are you sure this place has good ice cream?"

Zelos confirms, "Absolutely. I wouldn't be here if it didn't." Then he teases, "What's the matter? Are you racist against Hispanics?"

"No!" Sheena snaps. "I just have this bad luck streak with ice cream places. This one time I got this long nasty blond hair in my ice cream. Hopefully my only piece of bad luck for today is losing that bet—"

"Look," Zelos pressures as he stops at the counter, "I'm paying and this place has really nice quality so you can stop complaining about that damn bet and at least _try_ to have a good time."

That shuts her up.

The lady at the counter chirps, "¡Hola! ¿Con que le puedo ayudar?"

Zelos glances at Sheena. She hesitates before saying, "Just a scoop of strawberry."

Zelos orders, "Dos bolitas de chocolate para mí y una bolita de fresa por mi amante."

The employee glances at Sheena with a leery look as she responds, "Síííí, señor . . ." Then she walks off quietly.

Sheena suspiciously asks, "Zelos, what was with that look she gave me? What did you tell her that made her look at me like that?"

Zelos shrugs. "Nothing. I just ordered two scoops of chocolate ice cream for me and one scoop of strawberry for you."

"Yeah but you must have said something for her to give me that look," Sheena badgers.

Zelos walks off. "Come on, Sheena. Let's go pay for this."

"Zelos!" She demands, "Answer me! What did you say?!"

* * *

Translations

"Una Bolita": One Scoop

"Hola! Con que le puedo ayudar?": Hello! How may I help you?

"Dos bolitas de chocolate para mi y una bolita de fresa por **mi amante**": Two scoops of chocolate for me and one scoop of strawberry for **my mistress**.

"Siiiii, senor": Yeeesss, sir . . .


	264. Remiel the Minor Villain

Although this has nothing to do with this skit, I've been on a real kick for the YuGiOh the Abridged Series by Little Kuribo. Awesome. Simply awesome (although I already knew that).

My favorite characters in this are Kaiba, Bakura (poor guy), Duke Devlin, and Joey.

. . .

Well, they're the same characters I loved back while I was still into YuGiOh.

* * *

Remiel falls, his wings torn and his white cloak stained with blood. "How?!" he gasps. "How could an angel, the ultimate being, _lose_ to a group of _humans_?!"

Lloyd points his sword down at the liar. "It's because you're a minor villain and we're the main characters. Of course you were going to lose!"

Remiel denies, "But—"

"It is nothing but the truth."

Kratos appears high above them, his eyes gleaming with power never shown before. The mercenary states, "You are a villain of little importance, not even aided with the vile nature someone such as Kvar would have. It stands to reason that you would be defeated by the main characters of the story."

Remiel begs, "Then, Lord Kratos, _please_ . . . lend me your character importance!"

Kratos looks down at the dying character with cold eyes. "Have you forgotten, Remiel? I was a part of the 'inferior' race—a human. Does the ultimate being seek help from which he despises the most? Besides, no one will remember your name halfway through the story."

Remiel gasps in horror as he dies.

Lloyd frowns. "That was a little harsh."

Kratos replies, "There are times when the truth can be nothing but harsh. He was a douche bag, anyway. Now back to the plot . . ."

* * *

The initial joke got a chuckle out of me, but Kratos calling Remiel a douche bag did me in.


	265. Cut!

O.o Wow. People were really shocked to hear Kratos say the word "douchebag." Was it really that much of a shock? I know it was way out of character but . . . wow.

Anyway, I watch A Bug's Life last night and this sort of thing popped up during the end credits. It's just a cute little thing.

* * *

Kratos snarls, "Feel the pain . . . !"

He slashes his sword once at Kvar. The Desian Grand Cardinal staggers back.

Kratos closes the gained distance. ". . . Of those inferior beings . . . !"

He slashes his sword again and makes contact. The hard strike causes Kvar to drop back against the computer and bang his head hard against the computers. A collective gasp rings out.

"CUT! Someone get the medic team and call the hospital!"

"Owww!" Kvar groans. "Damn it! This was the fourteenth take! I thought we had it this time!"

Kratos kneels down next to Kvar. "Sorry. I got a little too close. The head injury isn't too serious, is it?"

Kvar grits, "I have the worst migraine I've had in a while and I'm seeing stars but at least that's it. No seeing double, no blurry sight, no feeling lightheaded. Damn . . . I'm calling it a day."

Kratos suggests, "You know we can always get a stunt double."

"Are you insane?" Kvar replies as the medic team rushes to him and examines his injuries. "I do my own stunts. _You_ just need more _practice_."

"Then we're going to be going through a lot of these days, especially since this is the first scene we're doing together," Kratos remarks.

Kvar banters back, "At this rate, we'll end up draining the budget with medical bills because I assure you that I'm not the only one who will be sent to the hospital during this."

* * *

And so a beautiful bantering brotherly friendship between two actors was born . . . Not!


	266. He Killed Kenny!

Yes, every South Park fan knows exactly what kind of joke I'm going to pull. This popped into my head and I couldn't exactly refuse. I'll tell ya, though, it was hard to find a good scenario to fit it in and not screw it totally up. This joke will always be funnier in that stupid show (and it _is_ stupid, but it's funny stupid).

Anyway, it's my one-year anniversery (forgot how to spell today) and I thought I'd just mention it. Not the best skit to mention this on but hey. Sorry, no special super awesome superness for today.

* * *

"Faster!" exclaims one of the three Renegades. "Kvar's gaining on us!"

Botta shouts, "I know that!"

"Get to the door!" bellows another Renegade.

The door up ahead shuts and locks down. Botta and the two underling Renegades screech to a halt in horror.

"We're trapped!" Botta curses.

"_AAAHH! He's right behind us!_" screams a Renegade.

"I'll hold him off!" bravely declares one Renegade.

"_Stop, Kenny!_ He will _kill_ you!" warns Botta.

Kenny runs to meet Kvar in battle. "Don't worry about me! Lord Botta, get Mark out of here and complete the mission!"

Kvar races around the corner and easily lashes through Kenny. The brave Renegade drops down dead without even a chance to fight.

"Oh my god!" exclaims Mark. "He killed Kenny!"

Botta snarls, "You bastard!"

* * *

. . . . . . It's so much better on South Park.

Note: i am not a regular viewer of South Park. (i don't even have cable)


	267. Renegade Prank 1

Yup. "Renegade Prank 1" means that there will be others coming.

Anyway, what happened to all my reviewers? Only tiger002 and ShadowVDP (whose new penname of Big Boss01 I will not call him by) are the only ones who review lately? I'm not being ungrateful, I'm just wondering what happened to my other regular reviewers.

* * *

"Heheheh!"

"Shhh! He'll be here soon!"

"Uh-oh. We're done, already. Let's split!"

The large group of Renegades leaves their leader's office as silently and stealthily as they can. The electric door on the other end of the hall opens and permits Yuan through. Yuan, with his angelic senses, could hear their work and whispering in the other hall anyway and regarded their path with clear suspicion. With a snort, Yuan decides to investigate what they were doing to his office and enters the room. The electric door opens and he staggers to a halt.

Everything is upside down. It's all in the place he left it all in, but just upside down. The painting is upside down. His file cabinet is upside down. His desk items are upside down. His desk is upside down. Even his rug was turned upside down. Not a single thing was missed.

"AAAUUUGH!" comes his cry of indignation.

The group of Renegades responsible for all that chortle in victory.

"Heheheh! He's not going to forget this anytime soon!"

"Too bad this isn't April Fools!"

"This was the best prank ever!"

"Nope! Just the best prank YET!"

"Alright! What's next?"

"Meet me in the commons tomorrow at noon and I'll tell ya."

* * *

Immature and childish but I'd say it's cute. Though this would've been funnier if this was a drawn cartoon.


	268. Renegade Prank 2

In case you didn't notice, in the game after the first Tower scene the entire group was moved to basically either a really fancy guest room or Yuan's bedroom in the Triet base. It's as if the Renegades treated their wounds there.

Thanks to RBL for the prank idea. The last one would've been better like this . . .

* * *

Yuan opens the electric door to the guest room while directing the Renegade members carrying the wounded and unconscious Lloyd Irving. He takes a few steps back and cautions, "Be careful. That boy is our only link to Kratos. If we can't make use of him then we will be forced to directly kill Kratos to release Origin's seal—a near impossibility."

One Renegade rolls his eyes. "Yes, sir. It's not like we haven't already treated his more serious wounds in the first pla—"

The group stops and stares into the room.

"What?" Yuan impatiently snips. "What could possibly be so interesting?" He turns and gasps in surprise and anger.

All the room's furniture had been raised to the ceiling and somehow stuck there. It was as if gravity and the laws of physics had been thrown out the window—or they now walk upside down on the ceiling and are looking up (or is it down?) to the floor.

A shier Renegade peeps up, "Uh . . . Lord Yuan?"

Yuan goes, "First . . . I want Lloyd returned to the infirmary. We can gather the entire group here later. Second, I wan the idiots responsible to fix this mess."

They stand there, still gawking at the room.

Yuan growls, "Did I tell you to take your time? Follow my orders _now!_"

The group hurries off.

Yuan sighs as he turns back to the room. ". . . How did they get the furniture to stay up there like that in the first place?"


	269. Renegade Prank 3

YES, ladies and gentlemen! Sheena DOES have a hi-ougi! It's not the usual ONE summon spirit but using MULTIPLE summon spirits. It's called Quasi Seal and it looks AWESOME! (it's not my ultimate fav but it still looks cool and powerful ^^)

The is the last of the Renegade Pranks until I come up with something more. Usually good pranks that have taste aren't overly harmful. This one is more subtle.

* * *

Yuan welcomes Lloyd and his group into his office and returns to his desk. He eyes the cup of tea he mixed with strong headache medication resting on his desk as his head throbs painfully. The Renegade leader then sits into his desk chair. "I realize that you wish to speak with me about our alliance—especially after what happened with the Great Seed and the Tower of Salvation."

"Indeed," Regal confirms. "There is much to discuss."

Lloyd states, "For right now, our only concern is curing Colette's . . . sickness. But after that—"

Yuan finishes, "After that we need to know where we all stand." He reaches for his tea . . . and it scoots away from his hand on its own.

The group politely ignores the cup as Sheena says, "We still want to end this cycle of the two worlds stealing mana from each other. That hasn't changed."

"Of course," Yuan replies as his hand reaches for the cup. It scoots away again.

Lloyd points out, "Now we don't know what to do once Colette is cured. We have a few ideas we would like to talk about—"

"Focus on curing Colette and leave the rest to me for right now," Yuan tells them. "We can collaborate our ideas once her sickness is no longer a concern." He reaches for the cup again with an effort that brings their attention to that minor dilemma. "Then we can all put our entire focus—" The cup scoots away once more. "Excuse me for a moment . . ."

Yuan digs into his desk and pulls out a pair of scissors. He snaps the string that continuously pulled his tea away and a chorus of complaints rings out from the other room. He puts the scissors back up and takes a good, long drink of his tea before setting it down.

". . . Sorry about that," he amends. "Let's get back to our discussion."


	270. Crying

Kratos opens the door to his home and is welcomed by a rare and dreadful sound.

The sound of his wife crying.

"Anna?" Kratos calls. "Anna?"

She makes no response as she continues to cry. Kratos reflects upon the few times he has ever actually witnessed her shed any amount of tears and remembers the pattern that each time she ever did cry it was for something serious and heart shattering. Something absolutely terrible and grave. Feeling panic choke him, Kratos hurries to his wife where he finds her in a chair sobbing her eyes out. She looks at him and turns away.

"Go away!" she cries. "Leave me alone!"

"Anna!" Kratos exclaims. "What happened? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong!" Anna tries to snap but fails due to her weeping. "Go away! Don't look at me!"

"Anna, tell me what happened right now!" Kratos demand in his increasing panic. Whatever has this tough-as-nails woman must be horrible.

"It's nothing!" she insists. "Go!"

"Anna!"

Anna takes the book on her lap and slams it into Kratos' chest. "_Here's_ what's wrong, you damn man! Now just leave me alone!"

Dumbfounded, Kratos takes the book and looks over it. The title reads "Marley and Me," a book that Anna recently picked up to read. Feeling the anticlimax take its toll, Kratos asks, "_This_ . . . is what made you cry? This simple book?"

"Yes! Now leave me alone!"

Kratos stares at her for a moment . . . and begins laughing, "Ahah! Ahahahahah! For a moment I thought something terrible had happened! Ahahahahahah . . . !"

Through her tears, Anna snarls, "Stop laughing! It's such a depressing book! Stop laughing at me for crying over it!"

Kratos continues to laugh.

"Stop it! Stop it, damn it! Can't I cry in some f**king peace?"

* * *

I found the book-made-movie version of Marley and Me and saw that it's labeled as a comedy. I showed that to my mom and she went, "Sure it's a comedy! I cried through the entire thing! Of course it's a comedy!"

I chose Marley and Me for Anna to read simply because I know it's one of those cry-your-eyes-out kinda books. *never read it*


	271. Another Perspective

"I'm actually surprised that we're getting along," I comment while sitting lazily on a nice chair and sipping at a soda. "You usually seem like such an ass, pardon my language."

Seto Kaiba, who sits right across from me, just replies, "You aren't nearly as irritating as the people I have to deal with. It's easy to speak civilly around you."

I refrain from volunteering the information that if I wanted to be irritating then I would be more irritating than people such as Yugi Moto can be to Kaiba.

Off to the side, a voice rings out, "Emil! Did you enjoy talking to all those people from all sorts of different animes?"

A resounding voice gripes, "Marta, they wouldn't stop comparing Ratatosk to this 'Millennium Puzzle' that's in some other anime! They called him the 'Summon Spirit of Puberty'! If I hear them saying that one more time . . ."

While Kaiba and I watch Emil and Marta walk away, I comment, "I'm surprised it took this long for people to start making the comparison between Yugi and Emil in front of Emil."

Kaiba adds, "It's a little hard not to notice when someone instantly grows a foot taller and starts speaking in a deeper voice right in front of you."

I turn to him in surprise. "You mean you actually noticed Yugi's changes to Yami? In all the times I've seen you, you've been in complete denial."

"Sometimes complete denial is what keeps me sane enough to get through the day," Kaiba expresses. "You are lucky to be part of the Tales of Symphonia section. Although when I first saw Yugi change I wondered if his balls just suddenly dropped."

I note, "Judging from the fact that you're being so tactless around a young lady, I guess you're still sore from that first loss against Yugi in a children's card game."

Kaiba counters, "Wouldn't you be a bit sore if some random shrimp that suddenly goes through puberty beats you at something?"

* * *

Flashback Yami: Wait a minute, did you just summon a bunch of monsters in one turn?

Flashback Kaiba: Yeah. So?

Flashback Yami: That's against the rules, isn't it?

Flashback Kaiba: Screw the rules! I have green hair!

Kaiba: Huh. Well that was just weird. I should probably cut down on the drugs.

Hmm . . . Maybe he should . . .


	272. Backfired

Lloyd, Genis, Emil, and Marta chatter casually. I watch them and decide to join them in their babble. I take a step into their social circle and greet, "Hey, guys. Whatcha talking about?"

Although Lloyd and Genis greet me welcomingly, Emil and Marta get this wary look on their face. Emil cautiously replies, "Aaah, nothing. Nothing really."

I make a confused face. "What's wrong?" I take a step closer.

"Eeek!" Marta flees behind Emil's back and watches me.

"Huh?" I go in stunned confusion. I normally won't hurt anyone or anything so their defensiveness is clearly baffling. "Wha—"

Then I see Lloyd and Genis and something in my memory clicks.

I suspiciously question, "Did Zelos say something to you about me being an alien with possible hostile intentions?"

Marta guardedly bites, "Maybe he did; maybe he didn't. We're not telling _you_."

Then it's confirmed. I stalk off. "Excuse me for a moment while bloody carnage goes on in the background . . ."

Genis begins, "Emil, Marta, although happy ametuer is, yes, technically an alien, Zelos was just messing with both of you and happy."

Emil goes, "Wait, he really was messing with us?"

In the background . . . "ZELOS WILDER!"

"What? What did I—OW! STOP IT! HELP!"

"Whoa! Happy finally snapped!"

Lloyd confirms, "Yeah, he was. He pulled the same trick on us a long time ago and we were apprehensive around happy until Professor finally talked to us. Now Zelos just found someone else that would believe him."

Marta says, "So we were just a bunch of suckers to Zelos' prank?"

"OW! HELP ME!"

"LET ME GO! HE'S HAD IT COMING FOR A LONG TIME!"

"Calm down!"

Genis remarks, "Yeah we were, but this time one of his pranks finally backfired."

"Owowowowowowowwwww . . . !"

"_Dammit, Zelos! You jackass!_"

"Happy, just calm down! It's not that big of a deal!"

* * *

By the way, Raine and Regal were restraining me and Sheena was shouting at me to calm down and stuff.


	273. Compromising Position

_Ker-CHOOWWW!_

Lightning flashes and illuminates the entire dark corridor in the Temple of Lightning. With Colette, Raine, and Genis in the lead since their eyesight is the sharpest and Lloyd, Presea, Sheena, Zelos, and Regal following them in that order, the entire group warily steps forward. If they get even a toe out of place . . .

Regal steps forward a little too far and Zelos begins to feel a little too crowded. He steps a touch to the side for more room—

"Whoawhoawhoawhoa! Aaahh!"

"Aah! My ankle—AAAHHH!"

The two fall down into the darkness and land on a slide that zips them away and tosses them back down on the first floor. They land together with a _thump!_

"Owww . . . !" Zelos groans as he slowly gets up. Then he stops and finds what he cushioned his land. Right under him is Sheena who realized just as soon as he did that they are definitely in a compromising position.

Zelos caresses Sheena's side. "Now this is where I want to be~!"

_SMACK!_


	274. Decus' Cologn

Today (june 23, 2010) is the first anniversary of Protesting Against Late Night Writers. Say "Happy Birthday."

By the way, I think I accidentally didn't post this skit when I first wrote it so it was saved in my jumpdrive for a while without being shared to all of you. If it's been posted before and I just didn't see it, please let me know.

* * *

Sheena holds up a sample of cologne and asks, "Is this stuff really as bad as Emil said?"

"It apparently is," Regal says. "I myself had a smell of it when Decus was passing by us during battle . . . and it was atrocious."

Zelos states, "I only had a whiff of it so I don't really know what you're talking about. It just seems flashy to me."

"Then here." Sheena applies the sample to her wrist and offers her hand out. "Take a good sniff."

Zelos frowns and regards Sheena and her wrist for a moment. Then, he just takes one tiny sniff . . .

"Ack! Gah! Uuuugghh . . . !" Zelos collapses.

Sheena stares down in shock. ". . . Is he okay? He didn't die or anything, right?"

Regal checks Zelos' pulse. "No, he's alive. I didn't know that cologne would have such a strong reaction . . . I'm taking it off production first thing."


	275. Do As I Say

Here's something about me that may be a little fun for all of you.

Heritage is fun to talk about especially when you can point to different cultures. For me, I'm 1/4 German, 1/36 Norwegian, I have a drop of Scottish and a drop of Cherokee Indian, and the rest of me I have no idea about.

Anyway, I'm brainstorming the next chapter for Confessions right now so that's what I'm working on for the moment (meanwhile, this skit popped in my head).

**2010 edit: There were some spelling errors that two reviewers pointed out. One I remember is Regal Bryant Lover and the other, I am so sorry, I forgot the name of. *bad short term memory***

* * *

Zelos sneaks to the bathroom where Sheena is peacefully showering. He reaches for the doorknob to stealthily crack the door open enough to peek in . . .

_Thump!_ A small weight lands on his shoulder and hisses in his ear, "Do exactly as I say or I'll bite your ear off."

Caught by Corrine! He should've been more careful. Zelos remains still as he waits for Corrine's orders.

"Back away from the bathroom door."

Zelos quietly backs up.

"Back . . . Back . . . Back . . ."

Zelos keeps walking backward. The bathroom door grows smaller from distance.

"Now . . . stop."

Zelos halts where he stands.

". . . Now you put your left foot in . . ."

He puts his left foot forward.

". . . You put your left foot out."

He puts his left foot behind him.

"You put your left foot in . . ."

He puts his left foot forward again.

"And you shake it all about."

Zelos softly gripes, "Are you seriously going to make me to the Hokey-Pokey?"

"You don't have much of a choice right now, do you? Now you do the Hokey-Pokey and you turn yourself around . . ."


	276. Quiet Escape

The morning sun seeps through the open air in the VIP Altamira hotel room Lloyd's sharing with Zelos, Regal, and Genis. Lloyd cracks his eyes open and sits up in his bed with a yawn.

Zelos, who's already dresses and primed, greets "Morning, sleepy."

Genis packs the last of his things. "Lloyd, you should get your stuff together. We're meeting with Raine and the girls in fifteen minutes on the hotel roof."

"Huh . . . ?" Lloyd groggily goes. "Why?"

Regal replies, "Look outside at the front entrance."

Lloyd sleepily gets out of bed and drags himself to the balcony outside the room and droops his head downward to peer at the entrance. The sight chokes him awake.

"What's with the riot?" Lloyd exclaims.

Zelos sarcastically answers, "Three words, Lloyd: Regal fan girls. His popularity in Altamira is legendary but I always thought it was yet another exaggerated rumor."

"We tried to keep Regal's presence here quiet," Genis carps, "but no. His insane fan girls _still_ found out about his stay in the hotel and are now laying siege in order to force Regal to come outside."

Zelos comments, "Fan girls always find out sooner or later. We just have to pray that they find out later rather than sooner."

Regal finishes, "Now our only solution of leaving without having to fight through all of them is to get to the top of the hotel and escape using the rheiards before the fan girls break through security."

Lloyd gawks down at the crowded entrance. ". . . This is insane . . . !"

"What do you expect? They're fan girls."

* * *

Watch as Regal Bryant Lover pops out in a badass black ninja outfit and declares that she has single handedly disabled the elevator mechanisms and blocked the emergency stairs so that her beloved Regal can escape the clutches of the crazed evil fan girls rioting at the front.

Oh, and her badass black ninja outfit is only complete with a super-cute Pikachu bandana tied stylishly around her neck.


	277. Glitches

This is a bit mild. Okay, it's very mild. I'm following it up with something good, though!

* * *

Out in the spacious courtyard of the Super Smash Brothers Headquarters, horse jumping ramps lay out in a difficult formation. While Zelda and Marth wait for their turns on the jumping course, Link takes full advantage of the course and the leisure time offered by the fighting organization. Sometimes a bit of leisure time offers chances to bond as well as competition to spark up heated brawls.

"Wooooo!" cheers the Pokémon Trainer after a particularly hard jump. "Go Link!"

Lloyd walks up from the main building with several bruises and an ice pack on his forehead. "What's going on here?"

The Pokémon Trainer explains, "Link's doing a jumping course on his horse. Normally I find these kinds of things a bit boring but Link is just awesome at horseback riding. He's the best here!" The Trainer notes the bruises and ice pack. "What happened to you?"

"Snake," he reluctantly admits. "He handed me back my ass again . . . But this time I was so close! If only he didn't get that bat and hit a homerun!"

"Ouch!"

They turn their attention back to Link who makes it in a particularly high jump as soon as he lands, though, something strange happens. As soon as Link's beloved horse Epona hits the ground she dashes off at a speed and leaves Link behind . . . floating—_floating!_—in the air as if he were riding a slower horse.

"_Whoa!_" Lloyd cries out while the Pokémon Trainer leans forward with a gawk. "What the hell?"

Then Link falls to the ground with a grunt as physics kicks in.

Lloyd exclaims, "How did _that_ happen?"

The Pokémon Trainer watches Link for a moment before saying, "I think it was a glitch."

"A glitch?"

The Trainer nods. "You know, some sort of error in either the programming or graphics that messes up the game? It happens all the time in Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and many Pokémon games. Aren't there some glitches in Tales of Symphonia?"

Lloyd thinks back with his face screwed in confusion. Then he recalls, "There was one time when my friends and I would pose after a battle and . . ." He starts turning sickly green. "I . . . I got stuck in doing Tempest. Over and over and over and over . . . I . . . I heard th-that I looked . . ." Lloyd starts hunching over. "That I looked like Sonic . . . _Urk!_"

In an attempt to distract Lloyd from the memory and the nausea caused by the memory, the Trainer hastily tells, "Well in the first and second generation Pokémon games there were all sorts of neat glitches! In the first generation game, there was this one glitch where I could catch an actual legit Mew on the game!" He fishes out his Pokédex, opens it up, and shows the Mew page to Lloyd, who still looks like he's about to be sick. "I took full advantage of that glitch! Then there is . . . the infamous Glitch City!"

Lloyd cranes his neck up. ". . . 'Glitch City'?"

The Pokémon Trainer excitedly remembers, "Yeah! Physics and the laws of mass didn't apply there! There would be a block of a house in one place, half a sign connected to it, and squares of ocean in random places. Then some squares you can walk through while there's open space you can't walk through at all. It was like I entered the Twilight Zone!" He points to himself. "I heard rumors of other things but at the time I was unfortunate enough to be forced into Glitch City while on those arrows in the Sylph Corporation Headquarters where they zip you across the room and have you spin around in circles while you get to the other side of the room. So I was stuck in that spin, completely unable to stop, spinning around and around and around and around and . . . Uh, oh . . ."

He stops talking as soon as he realizes that he's only making Lloyd's nausea worse. Lloyd bends in half with a grunt and flees for some cover to vomit in.

"_Hueeeehhhh!_"

The Pokémon Trainer half smiles in sympathy. "Yeah, that's what I felt like too when I finally managed to get out of Glitch City. I thought for a moment that I was on some sort of acid trip."

* * *

The glitch on Link is roughly based on a real glitch from Ocarina of Time. The one from ToS is one I found on YouTube which really did make Lloyd look like Sonic during a rolled-up spin. As for the Pokemon glitches, those are major glitches that are really real and able to be done. Since both Glitch City and the Mew glitch are really complicated to activate, I'm not giving any details about how to do it. If you wanna know, look it up.


	278. Unfair

This one's actually much funnier. ^^ OMG! Lloyd's fighting ppl other than Snake, Pikachu, and Kirby!

* * *

A heated brawl rages as Lloyd, Link, Pit, and Bowser tear up the landscape. As they renew their attacks a hammer appears on a corner of the field.

Pit, being the one farthest from the hammer with no chance to get it, cries out, "Get it before Bowser does! Get it get it get it!"

Lloyd reaches the hammer—

_SWACK!_

Lloyd goes flying back as Bowser snatches the hammer. There is a unison from Lloyd, Link, and Pit as Bowser starts flinging the hammer automatically.

Pit flies back onto a high platform that requires a double jump. "Hurry hurry hurry! Get over here! Run!"

Lloyd manages to zip away before Bowser manages a blow on him and reaches the safety of the platform Pit is on. Link, being heavier than the other two, struggles to outrun Bowser's new speed. He whips out his hookshot and clicks it. The chain shoots out and catches on the platform's edge and pulls him up just in the nick of time. Link flips onto the platform and settles behind Lloyd and Pit.

Bowser snarls up at them as he continues wailing the giant hammer around futilely.

Pit sighs in relief. "Phew! That was close!"

Lloyd begins to relax. "Yeah—HEY! WHOA!"

Link snatches Lloyd in the air and tosses him to Bowser. Lloyd falls towards the hammer—

_THUCK!_

"AAAAAHHHHhhhhhh . . . !"

_BOOOOMMM!_

Pit jumps from his kneel and shouts, "_What was that for? That was dirty and unfair!_"

Link glares accusingly at Pit. "Yeah, like _I'm_ the _only one_ who doesn't play fair, _Pit_. Don't you dare tell me you weren't thinking of doing the _exact same thing_."


	279. My Name is Talky Tina!

Twilight fans would know of this.

No, not Twilight as in sparkly vampires.

The Twilight Zone is what I mean! (confusion intentional)

Anyway, I'm listening to Haru E - Yousei Teikoku. Very contradictory in mood to what I'm posting (one's sweet and melodious while the skit I see is comedy).

* * *

Zelos walks into the main room of his mansion. Something on the piano catches his eye and he looks. There is a doll of the kind that can talk when you wind it up. With curiosity getting at him, Zelos goes up to the doll and picks it up, examining it at length.

". . . Heh. It looks like Talky Tina from The Twilight Zone," he amusedly comments. "Cute doll, though."

He flips the doll over and looks at the doll's back where he finds the wind-up key. He turns the doll's key until it stops winding and he releases it. The doll begins to move its open arms up and down and turn its sweet little head back and forth as its mechanical voice greets him.

"Hi! My name is Talky Tina! And I don't think I like you."

Zelos' face pales into a deathly white. His hand limply drops the doll just before he races out of the room in sheer terror.

Silence stifles the room . . .

"Heheheheheh . . ." Genis chortles as he gets up from behind the luxurious sofa. "We totally got him, Lloyd!"

Lloyd steps from his own hiding place. "You should've seen the look on his face when that wind-up doll talked!"

Genis smirks. "Yeah! That was a great prank! . . ."

Silence . . . . .

Genis suddenly goes, "Let's lock that doll up in a closet. It's creeping me out."

"Yeah . . ."


	280. Pirates VS Ninjas

Yeah, this skit is rather late. Better late than never, though! ^^

I have some skits coming up that will feature a list but those specific skits are still being forged in the fires of Mordor.

Oh, and this has nothing to do with the skit but _**HAN SHOT FIRST!**_

* * *

Sheena looks over the outfit Lloyd wears, the pirate uniform that Aifread gave him, and goes, "Lloyd, you know you can take that off now."

Lloyd glances at the outfit and replies, "Actually, I think it's pretty cool! I'll keep it on for a while."

"Pirates are thieves!" Sheena argues. "Why do you support them?"

Lloyd frowns. "Ah . . . I'm not. I just think they're cool."

Zelos overhears and explains, "Lloyd, it's not even as deep as Sheena's making it. She's just miffed because you're saying that pirates are cooler than ninjas. However . . ." He joins Sheena's side. "I'm going to have to side with Sheena on this. Ninjas are way cooler than pirates!"

Sheena corrects, "That's not what I was—"

"What are you talking about, Zelos?" Genis carps. "Ninjas aren't nearly as cool as pirates! Pirates have a larger range of weaponry AND they have EXPLOSIVES! Ergo, pirates are cooler."

Lloyd attempts, "Genis, I'm not—"

"If you want to talk about weaponry and abilities," Regal says, "then the ninjas would be superior. Pirates are merely bandits that raided a ship. They have no expertise whatsoever."

Sheena moans, "No, Regal, not you too!"

Presea joins in. "On the contrary, pirates gain experience through trial and error and are upfront in battle while ninjas rely on mainly stealth and never give a bold or fair fight. Pirates have more honor than ninjas when it comes to combat."

Genis goes, "Thank you, Presea! Someone sane!"

Raine interrupts, "This bickering is all childish. All of you should be ashamed of yourselves."

Lloyd sighs, "Phew. Maybe now this will end."

Then Raine says, "It's obvious that pirates are better in combat than ninjas. Any argument against this is futile and pointless."

Sheena begins to walk away. "This is getting out of hand. Come on, Lloyd. Let's get out of the fry and wait this out."

Lloyd moans as he walks away.

* * *

Note on how Lloyd and Sheena don't participate in the continuous debate.


	281. No Escape

"_Did you see Sheena flip around when she was fighting me for a pact? Aw, man, it was so cool! Ninjas are awesome!"_

"**You surprise me, Gnome. For once, we agree on something."**

". . . . ."

"_What? You think Celsius has gone insane and that pirates are cooler? You just like begin contrary, Volt!"_

"_**. . . Piiiiraaaaatessss . . ."**_

"_Not you too, Shadow!"_

"**It really doesn't matter what you two say. Martial arts and ninjas will always reign supreme."**

". . . . ."

"**I am not biased! My martial arts have NOTHING to do with my opinion on ninjas and pirates!"**

"_**. . . Biaaaassssssed . . ."**_

Sheena plugs her ears and carps, "There's no escaping the debate, is there?"

* * *

Poor Sheena can't escape it, can she? Lol.


	282. Taunting Lord Yggy

"Wait a minute," Zelos holds up his hand to interrupt Lloyd's account of the Tower of Salvation. "This Lord Yggdrasill guy wears a white jumpsuit that looks like it's made out of spandex?"

"Yeah," Lloyd says. "That's not the point, though. I'm still trying to tell you what happened."

"Oh man, he must have looked so gay," Zelos chortles.

"Well, yeah, but—"

Zelos, getting too into his taunting, pops his hip and shakes his hand in a prissy manner. "Oh no they didn't just steal _my_ Chosen away~! Oooo, naughty, naughty, naughty!"

Lloyd groans, "Zelos, just stop—"

But still, Zelos goes on, "Oh, Kra~tty~! We can chase after Lloyd later. Right now, your Lord Yggy wants spice up the night with you by watching the Spice Girls movie~! Then move on to something more . . . fabulous~!"

Lloyd sighs and walks away. "Whatever . . . I'll talk to you when you're done."

"Oh wait, Lloydie~!" Zelos cheeps. "I haven't fini—AH!"

Lloyd passes Sheena who holds up a camera. With a wicked smirk on her face, Sheena turns off the camera and grins at Zelos. "Thanks, stupid Chosen! Now I have something good for YouTube!"

Zelos chases after the camera in horror. "SHEENA! STOP! DON'T POST THAT!"

* * *

No one flame me. It's as simple as it can be and holds no hidden meanings.

Do I believe that people will flame others just to start up controversy? Yes I do. I don't tolerate that kind of drama.


	283. Signs of Bad Fics Part 1

Okay, I sent out a bunch of requests to certain people what the signs for a bad fan fic are. It's not nearly as good as I want it but here's what I could do with it. It's a three-parter so . . .

Anyway, since the suggestions overlapped each other, I'll give everyone who responded back credit. tiger002, Regal Bryant Lover, Big Boss01/ShadowVDP, Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs, Natasha Knight, Commandant of Heart, Serena Anges, and Sirens And Muses.

This is the most "editorial" and "protesting" that this series will ever get but hey it's listing off the signs of bad fan fics. If you know of a story that has this yet is good, there are always exceptions to the rules.

* * *

Zelos rests lazily in a chair at a desktop computer in front of him. There are occasional clicks but mainly scrolling. Lloyd stops from across the room with his mug filled with iced coffee and watches Zelos with curiosity. Finally, Lloyd walks across the room and stops behind Zelos and reads over his shoulder.

". . . Fan Fiction?" Lloyd goes.

"Yup," Zelos nonchalantly replies. "Just looking to see if this site has anything good. Yet."

Lloyd scans over the list. "Well it looks like there are a lot of good stories."

"Correction: there are a lot of stories," Zelos states. "Right now I don't see any good ones."

"How can you tell?" Lloyd questions. "You aren't reading any."

"Let's just say there are warning signs," Zelos says.

"Like what?"

Zelos sighs.

**Sign Number 1: Summary only says that the summary sucks.**

Zelos points at a particular story and reads, "'Summary sux. Just read.' If they're not going to take the time to make even an informative summary then why would they take the time to make a good story?"

"That seems a little harsh of you," Lloyd criticizes.

"Hundreds of published authors take years just to write one book," Zelos explains. "Some students take weeks or even months just to write one essay. The time it takes to make one summary, even a crappy one, is at most three minutes."

"I still say that's a little harsh."

**Sign Number 2: Characters' names are continuously misspelled.**

Then Zelos points at one. "Well, then, take a look at this Tales of Symphonia fic."

"Hey!" Lloyd protests. "My name has two 'L's! Not one!"

"And let's check out the first chapter . . ." Zelos clicks on the story and opens up the first chapter.

"They still misspelled my name!" Lloyd goes. "Then who's this 'Rane' person? . . . Wait, is that supposed to be 'Raine'?"

"You get my point."

**Sign Number 3: Bad spelling throughout the story.**

Lloyd scans through the same story then notes, "Uh . . . what's that word right there? 'Ahsum'? What's 'ahsum'? Then why did Colette say that Genis is being grated? It says that Colette is saying that 'Genis is grate'."

Zelos sighs, "If only the twerp were being 'grated' and shredded. It would solve a lot of my problems of getting to his gorgeous sister. Anyway, let's move on. I want to find at least one good fic."

**Sign Number 4: Run-on summary.**

Lloyd spots one fic and ushers, "That one looks informative."

Zelos groans, "Oh, great. Another lame summary."

"Why say that? It looks good."

"Obviously you're not reading it." Zelos recites, "'Regal and alicia go out for a long stroll at the beach which is at altamira during the sunset and talk about life with family and kids and afterwards do it on the sand.' It's a run-on. I know I'm not normally picky with grammar but . . . Never mind. Let's just move on."

Sheena comes up with her bed head flying about. "Guys, what're you doing . . . ? You know it's kinda early."

Zelos greets, "Good morning, sunshine."

Lloyd explains, "Zelos was looking up some fan fiction."

Sheena grumbles, "Fan fiction? That stuff is no good . . ."

Then Zelos reads something and raises an eyebrow. "Hey . . . Lloyd . . . Does this summary make any sense to you?"

**Sign Number 5: Summary explains absolutely nothing.**

Lloyd cranes his neck around Zelos' head and reads aloud, "'Lol this is a totally gr8 story evry1! U should all read this! It stands out frm teh rest!' . . . I don't get it."

"Neither do I, Lloyd." Then Zelos sings, "Oh, Sheena~! Can you take a look at this?"

"Only if you pay me a million gald," the ninja grumpily utters.

"Done. I'll send the million to Mizuho tomorrow." The Chosen points at the screen. "Just see if you can make sense of this summary."

Sheena raises an eyebrow at Zelos at him actually agreeing to the loss of a million gald but shakes her head before looking over. ". . . Well . . . I'm not looking at the summary but I can see that it's a romance from the genre. It involves you and Kratos."

"Okaymovingon. Noyaoi." Zelos scrolls away from the fic.

Sheena looks over the list and points at one. "That one looks okay-ish . . ."

"You're really tired, aren't you?" Lloyd expresses, noting Sheena's lackluster voice.

"I just woke up . . ."

"I can tell. If only you just woke up next to me," Zelos murmurs as he clicks. He reads over the first few lines. "You're right, Sheena. It does look okay for a fan fiction." Then he moans, "Awww! Spoke too soon!"

**Sign Number 6: Random author notes that explain things that are already obvious.**

Sheena squints her eyes. ". . . 'Now Chosen One, Colette, Raine says. A blond girl stands up. AN This is the Chosen One Colette.' Was that author's note really necessary?"

Colette pops up in her usual cheery mood despite how early it is. "Did I just hear my name?"

Sheena turns and goes, "Yeah, you did. Apparently you're the Chosen One."

"I'm the Chosen One?" Then Colette cheeps, "Yeah! I'm the Chosen One! Didn't you know that I'm the Chosen One?"

Lloyd adds, "Apparently not."

Zelos mutters, "There's no end to shitty fics."

* * *

"There's no end to shitty fics." That sounds familiar . . .

"There's no end to shitty games."

Oh . . . AVGN. That's an accidental half-quote.


	284. Signs of Bad Fics Part 2

Here's part two. It gets better, but the best one is the third in my opinion. All the jokes in these three are rather . . . mild.

* * *

Colette leans around Zelos' head to view the computer. While Lloyd takes a sip of his morning coffee, Colette asks, "What are all of you looking at?"

"Fan fiction," Lloyd answers. "Zelos is also apparently telling us what the signs to a bad fan fic are."

"Ah, okay," Colette goes. "I don't really read fan fiction."

"Then you're lucky," Sheena comments.

Colette looks over the screen and points at one story. "Would that be a good one?"

"Check the summary," Lloyd advises Zelos.

"I already did," Zelos replies. "It has so many misspellings that it'll make Raine cry."

**Sign Number 7: The title and summary have obvious misspellings.**

Sheena goes, "Let's say ten points off from one hundred for each error. They've got the they're/their/there mixed up so that's ten. 'Celseeus' is supposed to be Celsius so that's another ten. My name has one 'e' instead of the correct two so that's another ten points. Then they've got 'dyes' instead of 'dies' so that's an additional ten points. 'Ice' has somehow turned into 'iece' but I think it's a simple typo so that'll just be five points. Oh, and the title says 'Shenas death two Ice' so I'll take another ten points off. So the final grade is a forty-five."

"I'd say you're a bit miffed because they have you dying," Zelos remarks.

Genis walks up. "What about dying? Who's dying?"

Colette sadly reports, "This person wrote about Sheena dying!"

"Aww, not Zelos?" Genis whines.

Zelos growls, "I heard that, you little twerp."

Lloyd breaks up the fight by drawing attention elsewhere. "Hey, take a look at this fic!"

The group turns and looks at the title and summary.

Colette notes, "The spelling and grammar are correct."

"Yeah but they're bragging," Sheena points out.

**Sign Number 8: Summary only talks about how great the story is.**

Lloyd reads, "'This self-insert is better than Two Worlds Combined and Tales of Yet Another Self Insert put together. It will leave you wondering why you never read it before. Trust me on this, I wrote it.' They are definitely bragging."

Genis notes, "I noticed that the authors write better stories usually end up believing that their stories aren't very good. Although some things are actually the truth, like TWC's OC sucks. I really hate that OC."

Zelos mutters, "Finally, someone the twerp hates more than—"

"But I hate Zelos more!"

Zelos sighs as he feels a headache coming on. "Anyway!" Zelos goes. "Let's change the subject!"

"What are all of you doing?"

They all look back and find Kratos.

"Good morning!" Colette chirps.

"Good morning, Kratos," Lloyd greets.

Kratos nods in greeting before he repeats, "What are you doing?"

Genis tells, "We're looking at fan fiction."

"Fan fiction?"

Zelos goes, "Oh here's a good one!"

"That has to be sarcastic," Sheena says. "They only have pairings in the summary!"

**Sign Number 9: Summary only lists pairings.**

Sheena lists off, "'Lloyd-Zelos, Kratos-Raine, Regal-Presea, Sheena-Kuchinawa, Genis-Princess Hilda, Colette-Yuan, and some Kratos-Yuan.' Not the worse there is but it's definitely not good."

"Doesn't look like something I'd like—and who would actually pair me up with Zelos?" Lloyd complains.

Zelos bitterly replies, "Lloyd, that's a common yaoi pairing. I'm sorry but it's true."

Lloyd snorts, "Whatever. I'm just going to go practice. Hey, Kratos—Kratos? Where did he go? He was here just a moment ago."

Colette cheeps, "Kratos runs pretty fast! He was there and then he was gone in a flash!"

Genis utters, "Lucky guy knows when to run."

"I'm getting out of the ToS section," Zelos announces. "Obviously I'm not having any luck finding a good fic."

"Try Legend of Zelda," Sheena suggests. "Maybe you'll find something there."

"Okay." Zelos types in the search and pulls up the section. ". . . Here's some stuff."

**Sign Number 10: Title and summary are spelled with only lower case.**

Genis points at one fic. "Is all that lower case just lazy?"

"It's not only lazy but it's also a bad sign," Zelos comments.

"Let's give them the benefit of the doubt," Colette says.

Genis remarks, "The title is like a first impression. If they don't work to make the first impression good then what hope is there for the story?"

"Well, let's just take a look and see," Lloyd insists. "They could have made things better as they went along and forgot to correct the title."

"I'm not too sure," Sheena warily expresses as Zelos clicks on the story link.

Zelos reads over the fic with just a skim. He reports, "Eh, it's so-so. It doesn't look atrocious though . . . wait . . . something's not right." Zelos looks more deeply into the fic. He frowns and skips over into the next few chapters. When he discovers a pattern, Zelos just sighs and rolls his eyes. "Go figure . . ."

Genis reads through the particular chapter Zelos left the screen on and wonders, "What happened to the punctuation?"

**Sign Number 11: Lack or misuse of punctuation.**

"What happened to the punctuation" Genis repeats.

"I don't know" Sheena exclaims. "The question marks are gone The exclamation marks are gone Even the periods are gone"

"That's just confusing" Lloyd gripes. "What if all they said was 'said' We wouldn't know if they were asking a question or saying something or shouting at someone"

"What" Colette says.

"Exactly" Zelos says. "It's just a confusing mess of sentences It all blends together Then imagine if they didn't even put the first letter of a sentence in upper case"

"my head hurts already" Lloyd says as he rubs his forehead.

"yup yup just a big mess and downright lazy" Zelos says.

"wait a minute the commas are gone too" Sheena says.

"and where did the apostrophizes go" Genis says.

"im outta here im not staying for all this" Lloyd says as he begins to walk away.

"wait bud were still not done" Zelos says as he hurries after Lloyd and pulls him back.

"well im done" Lloyd says.

"no youre not" Zelos says as he gets back on the computer and clicks.


	285. Signs of Bad Fics Part 3

Here we go. Here's the last of the list of signs.

* * *

"Okay, so I got our current fan fic writer to fix the problem with the punctuation," Genis announces.

"Hey! I can finally understand you!" Colette cheers. "By the way, did anyone manage to find Kratos?"

Genis answers, "Raine found him in his room rocking in fetal position. She's trying to counsel him and figure out what's wrong."

Zelos cringes. ". . . Let's keep what disturbed him a secret."

"He shouldn't have reacted that badly," Sheena comments.

"I remember Kratos telling me once that fan girls really scared him with fan fiction one time," Lloyd notes. "Think he's suffering from flashbacks?"

"Okay, let's keep our mouths shut about this," Zelos goes. "I don't want Raine coming after us if she finds out."

Lloyd suggests, "So let's ignore all the errors on the titles and just get to the story. Maybe we'll find a good fic that way."

"That's a death sentence." Zelos clicks on a link despite his reluctance, anyway.

**Sign Number 12: The first chapter is really short.**

Everyone peers at the chapter. The text stops short and doesn't even scroll.

"Is it . . ." Colette asks. ". . . a skit?"

Sheena reads over it. ". . . I don't think so."

Zelos clicks on the arrow link for the next chapter. ". . . No, it's a full first chapter. See? Here's a normal sized short chapter and the author says it's really long."

"That's easy to read," Lloyd comments.

"It doesn't set up a good beginning nor does it put up a setting," Genis counters. "Next."

Zelos clicks on the next story. ". . . Okay, it's obviously a really long chapter."

After a pause, Lloyd notes, "It stopped loading. I think it's finished."

Sheena narrows her eyes. "Something tells me it's not finished. Zelos, scroll down to the end."

Zelos follows her instructions . . . and then groans.

"Huh?" Genis goes. "There's no end! It didn't finish loading? That means it's even longer?"

**Sign Number 13: The first chapter is a giant wall of text.**

Zelos clicks on refresh. When the chapter comes back up he scrolls down and down and down.

"What are you doing?" Colette asks. "Isn't it still loading?"

"I'm trying to see where this ends," Zelos informs. "The scroll bar is just a tiny dot now . . . What? Why isn't it moving? _No! It froze!_" Zelos begins to snarl. "The chapter was so long that my computer broke down! What the hell were they trying to do? Put the entire story on one chapter? Great! Now I have to restart the computer!"

Lloyd says, "Calm down. It's just a fan fic."

"A horrible one that messed up my computer!" Zelos presses the restart button on the tower of the desktop and taps his foot impatiently as the computer reboots. He goes through all the start-up motions with a grumble until finally logging back in to fanfiction . net.

Colette leans forward and reads Zelos' penname, "'The Mysterious Handsome Swordsman.'"

"Return of the lame title," Sheena remarks.

"Ha ha ha ha ha," Zelos nonchalantly laughs. He goes down to search and finds another random fiction.

**Sign Number 14: Chapters are no longer than twenty lines and are all dialogue.**

Colette chirps, "Oh! Fruits Basket!"

Sheena leans around Zelos towards the computer. "It looks like it's all . . . dialogue."

"Maybe they're skits!" Colette chirps.

Genis notes, "It doesn't even tell us who's talking. Not even in the author's notes. Then what's the setting? Does anyone see a setting?"

Zelos goes, "There are some exceptions that follow this case yet are really good. Z-Skit Theater by Twilight Scribe is one such example of an exception."

"Yeah but those tell you who's talking and what they're all talking about," Lloyd points out.

"True."

"Okay, let's move on," Genis says.

Zelos clicks on another random fic. ". . . Uh-oh."

**Sign Number 15: Script format in a text story.**

Zelos: Can someone tell me how useless this is? It's not a play or for a play so what's the point?

Colette: It inspires imagination!

Sheena: Stories work much more differently than plays!

Lloyd: Okay, let's just move on to the next story . . . Whoa!

Zelos: Hey!

(Lloyd walks up to the computer and trips over a cord. Lloyd falls on Zelos and knocks the two over onto the floor. Lloyd is on top of Zelos.)

Genis: I knew it! I knew Lloyd secretly had a thing for Zelos!

Lloyd: Shut up, Genis!

Zelos: Get off me!

Sheena: This is getting annoying. I'll go stop the script format.

(Sheena walks up to the computer and moves the mouse around. The audience hears a click and everything returns to normal.)

Zelos pushes Lloyd off of him and returns to the computer. He declares, "This time we're finally going to take a look at the reviews before looking at the story!"

"We should have done that from the beginning," Genis remarks.

"And the brat can shut up!" Zelos adds.

"Quit calling me a brat!"

"Okay! Calm down, everyone!" Lloyd shouts. "Geese! Let's just get to the next story."

Lloyd takes the mouse and moves the curser over to a Harry Potter story review link. The page opens up and harsh words greet them.

**Sign Number 16: All the reviews and comments are flames.**

"Uh . . . Wow . . ." Lloyd goes. "'This is a terrible fic! How could Voldemort be Harry Potter's father? How sick is that?' That's . . ."

Sheena takes a turn, "'This story has always been sick sick sick sick sick! From Ron eating Scabbers with Louisiana hot sauce to the Snape and Hermione hot tub scene I've done nothing but read and puke! I don't know why I started reading in the first place!'"

Then Colette frowns and reads, "'F**k this story! Damn it to hell! You shouldn't have even posted it!'"

There is a stunned silence as everyone turns and gawks at Colette. Colette stares back at them with an innocent expression. ". . . What? What did I say?"

Silence answers her.

Colette tilts her head in confusion. "What? I was only reading what one of them said."

Zelos turns his chair around and returns to the computer. "Oh-kaaaaaayyy . . . Let's move on."

"I wanna move on by not reading any more fan fictions," Genis utters.

"Me too," Sheena moans.

"Just one more," Zelos goes. "I have to find at least one. I'm just not looking in the right place."

Lloyd frowns when he sees one story summary. ". . . Who are Eragon and Murtagh?"

Genis indifferently replies, "Eragon and Murtagh are two characters from this book series call the Inheritance Cycle. Why do you ask?"

"Well . . ." Lloyd clears his throat. "Are . . . Are they brothers?"

Genis raises an eyebrow. "Yeah. They're actually half-brothers. You're not supposed to find out that they're related until the end of the second book and how they're related by the middle of the third book. How did you figure that out without even reading the books?"

"I found that out when I saw that summary."

Everyone turns to look and gags at the sight.

"That's not right!" Zelos cries out.

**Sign Number 17: Incest is a pairing.**

"Wait a minute!" Genis goes. "Maybe they posted it before the second book!"

Zelos points at the date. "They didn't! It's a new fic! They even know it's incest! Look! In all caps they typed in 'INCEST' in the summary! I'm not making it up!"

Sheena gags and leaves in a rush. "I'm out!"

"Right behind you!" Genis quickly follows after her.

"I'm going to go help Raine get Kratos back on his feet!" Lloyd puts as he hurries away.

"Wait for me, Lloyd!" Colette shouts.

All alone, Zelos moans as he turns off his computer. "Aw man . . . I just wanted to read one good story . . . That's all . . ."

* * *

The only account that's not nearly made up is the incest one. I saw that account personally. The rest are possibly true but I haven't seen it.

Anyway, Protesting will return to normal after this. Thank you everyone for their input and their reviews.


	286. Lights On!

I've discovered that I'm mainly writing for the sake of updating and less for my own enjoyment. So that means there will be a haitus in writing concerning fan fiction. Yes, lots of my stories are on unofficial "pauses" and "haitus" but I just need to enjoy writing for myself for a bit.

Anyway, here's a cute little skit for you.

* * *

Upon entering Zelos' mansion, finery and glamour that they have never seen the like of greets them. Awing at each little thing, they go off into separate paths. Colette spies the fireplace while Genis explores the grand piano. Raine inspects the decorative furnishings and Lloyd just wanders around gawking at everything with his mouth half opened.

Zelos snorts, "Geese! It's like they've never seen nice things! People in Sylvarant really are dirt poor."

"Way to go on the tact, stupid Chosen," Sheena snips. "You're talking about people from the declining world."

Lloyd spies something on the wall sticking out. It's a little flip switch that appears to be attached to relatively nothing but the wall itself. Expecting nothing to happen, Lloyd flips the switch out of curiosity's sake.

The lights go out.

"Whoa! What happened to the lights?" Lloyd exclaims.

"You turned them off, idiot," Zelos says. "Flip the light switch and turn them back on."

Lloyd flips the "light switch" back and the lights instantly flash on. "Whoa! How does it do that?"

"That's so cool!" Genis goes.

Lloyd flips it again and the lights go off. Again, lights go on. Again, lights go off. Lights go on. Lights go off. On. Off. On. Off. On, off, on, off, on off on off on-off-on-off-on-off—

"Cut it out!" Zelos nags.

"It's giving me a headache!" Sheena carps.

Lights on. "Sorry."


	287. Question On Trust

. . . . . I had to delete chapters out of Through the Brother's Eyes, my Kranna and very first chapter story (protesting is a bunch of skits and doesn't count). It was like my precious deformed child so I loved it yet never wanted to look directly at it. For the story's sake, I now have to redo it. It got so hard to write because it felt so wrong and against the characters. I'll tell you, though, it hurt so much to click on the "DEL" button (as in delete).

Anyway, here's something a bit fun. I think. (i'm not exactly amused by anything now that i had to delete so much of my story)

* * *

"Lloyd, there is an urgent matter I need to speak to you with."

Lloyd looks up at Ganondorf and sees only a grim expression rare for anyone to see. The dark man's eyes are indecipherable. Although logic gives no reason, his gut tells him something is up. "What is it?"

Ganondorf calmly states, "We have a challenger who will only face those with a pure heart. He won't leave otherwise and continues to disable all brawls until his demand is heeded. I was sent to find someone of a pure heart willing to fight him and get rid of him."

Lloyd frowns. "How do I know you aren't tricking me?"

"I won't even enter the brawl," Ganondorf informs "Zelda is the one at the controls, too."

Lloyd still remains unconvinced.

"Besides," Ganondorf adds, "there is Dwarvan Vow number eighteen."

"'It is better to be deceived than to deceive.' I know." Lloyd relaxes. "Fine. I'll face this guy and take care of him."

With a swish of his cloak, Ganondorf leads Lloyd to the specific brawl room where the strange competitor awaits his challenger. Still feeling that sense of unease, Lloyd eyes Ganondorf with slight distrust.

". . . Why is it you have trouble trusting me with this?" Ganondorf finally asks. "Your close friend and loyal companion Zelos Wilder once acted as a double agent and betrayed you yet you still trust him and are rewarded with his full confidence and loyalty. Can I not have a fraction of that trust?"

"Well, Zelos is Zelos," Lloyd expresses. "You, however . . ."

"Fine. I'll tell you what's in it for me." While Ganondorf opens the brawl door, he informs, "Captain Falcon has been bragging about his brawling skills a lot more lately and it has been getting on my last nerve. The sooner this one challenger is dealt with the sooner I can plant his arrogant face into the ground. Are you satisfied now?"

Lloyd sighs in satisfaction and nods. "Yes. I'm sorry for not trusting you on something like this."

"Thank you," Ganondorf replies stiffly. The great metallic door opens and reveals the brawling stage. Ganondorf steps to the side and permits Lloyd through. Once Lloyd steps through, Ganondorf closes the door and the brawl begins.

"Ganondorf?"

Ganondorf turns towards the entrance to the hallway with a smirk. "Hello, Link."

Link scowls in suspicion. "Was that Lloyd going into the brawl against Dark Link, my shadow altar ego?"

"Yes it was."

"_DAMN IT, Ganondorf!_" Link bursts in a fit of rage. "Dark Link is for _me_ to fight and _me alone!_ Otherwise, he's virtually _impossible to beat!_ Why did you have to give _Lloyd_ a _near-impossible_ battle _without even a warning_? That's low and dirty even for _you!_ It's just plain cruel!"

Out in the stage, the brawl's noises sound off.

_THUCK!_

"AAAAAAaaaahhhhhhh . . . !"

Ganondorf sneers, "Lloyd prefers to follow the wise words of the dwarves, that to be deceived is better than to deceive. If that is what he wants then I won't interfere with that moral."

_BOOM!_

_GAME!_

Link is red in the face. "Damn you to hell, Ganondorf! You don't just send someone out against something like Dark Link without even a warning!"

* * *

Yes, a bit hypocritical of Link but he considers what Ganondorf did to be a lot worse than what he did. He's also mad because Ganondorf gave Lloyd the battle that was meant for Link and Link alone. A bit of a possession issue. Plus, Ganondorf wasn't even brawling against Lloyd.

Now I'm wondering why Lloyd didn't at least stand to the left of the screen, kneel down, and jab at Dark Link's knees (this is the cheap way how to defeat dark link, the final boss in Zelda II: Link's Adventure).


	288. Mansionvania

This is either going to be really lame or really good. The quotes are from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.

The last time I read a book with true vampires, as in vampires who burn in the sun and not sparkle, it was one of those books for kids (and fooled me at first since it was in a well-stocked high school library) and had one of those endings where literally the main characters tell the grown-up in charge what the moral of the story is. YES! WHAT THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS IN A VAMPIRE BOOK! (it was not to lie, by the way) Then the other vampire book I read on the same year (once again, tricked into thinking it might be good) was trying to pull off a tragedy with a tragically epic ending and just ended up being a tragically horrible ending that made me feel like I went through a horrible mediocre story just to waste my precious time on a lame ending.

Let's face it. The era of the true vampire is dying.

* * *

Sheena walks into the main hall of Zelos' mansion, searching for Lloyd. Her destination in mind is the kitchen, where Lloyd is probably begging some food off Sebastian, Zelos' butler. She goes by the couch—

"Eww. It's the Mizuho freak."

Cue teeth clinching. Sheena glares at the groupies that made themselves welcome in Zelos' mansion as they wait for the womanizer to come down and greet them.

"Excuse me?" Sheena growls warningly.

The groupie in the pink waves her hand dismissively at the ninja. "Move out of the way! We were obsessing over the perfection that is Edward Cullen while we wait for our beloved Master Zelos."

"'Perfection that is Edward Cullen'?" Sheena bites, "Give me a break! He's a terrible excuse for a vampire!"

"You're just jealous because you can't possibly find someone as wonderful as Edward Cullen."

"I can find dozens of men better than Edward Cullen!" Sheena snaps.

"Did someone say my name?"

As the groupies overexcite themselves at the sight of the new speaker, Sheena whips around and discovers the sparkling rainbow that is Edward Cullen. Sheena reaches in her bag and pulls out a menacing whip.

"Die, monster!" Sheena shouts. "You don't belong in this world!"

Edward calmly snips, "It is not by _my_ hand that I am once again given flesh. I was brought again by _humans_ who wish to pay _me_ tribute."

"'_Tribute'?_" Sheena exclaims. "You steal men's souls and make them your slaves!"

Then the mock of a vampire points out, "Perhaps the same could be said of all religions."

Sheena scoffs, "Your words are as empty as your soul. Man kind ill needs a savior such as _you!_"

Finally losing his temper, Edward snatches a random wine glass from the table in front of the groupies and flings it on the tile floor, causing the glass to shatter spectacularly. "_What is a man?_" he bellows. "_A miserable pile of secrets!_" He swishes his arm back as if flinging back a cape. "But enough of this! _Have at yee!_"

"Fine!" Sheena lashes her whip at the vampire.

_SNAP!_

"AAAHHH!" cries Edward as welts appear on his wrist. He clutches at his wrist as he falls to his knees. "AAHH! IT BUUUURRNNNSSS!"

Sheena observes this and mutters, "This is just as disappointing as the cast of the Avatar: The Last Airbender movie."

"AAAHH!" the vampire wails. "_Why? Why_ did that whip _hurt me?_ I'm supposed to have _super-tough skin_ and run faster than even a _bullet_ and _mind-reading powers!_ _When did I start sucking so bad?_"

Sheena informs, "If I wanted to be nice and lie, I would say you started sucking when they decided to make a Twilight movie. However, a wise man once said the truth will set you free, so I'll tell you just that. You started sucking when you were written with no personality and made out to be perfect and then took a nose-dive suicidal plummet when vampires started sparkling in the sun."

Then she adds, "Besides, I have Simon Belmont's whip in my hands. You didn't stand a chance, anyway."

* * *

Edward was way off character with those Castlevania lines. Wait, he was off character, as in he had personality? I just gave Edward Cullen personality. I CAN DO ANYTHING! :D

The meaning of these lines changed drastically with a simple character change. Sheena telling Edward "You steal men's souls and make them your slaves!" is an apt description of how Twilight works.


	289. One Minor Detail

Yes, my avatar pic changed (some may not see it right away since this is recent). This is actually a cute sweet one of Flandre. Don't be fooled, though. She's still a demented girl-child version of Sephiroth.

I've heard a lot of ppl in the Touhou fan base say that Edward Cullen couldn't last against Flandre (who's also a vampire) for even a second. I say it doesn't matter how long Edward could last since Flandre is the one who decides if she'll just blast him away or kill him nice and slowly and enjoy the sheer torture. Am I a fan of Flandre Scarlet? Absolutely. Put me in Team Flandre.

Anyway, this skit is over . . . well, you'll find out. It's a simple idea.

* * *

"Now," the mayor of Iselia mentions, "is there anything that you might want to inform us before we finalize this arrangement?"

Frank Burnell agrees, "Yes. I would like to know a little more about this mercenary that came seemingly out of nowhere."

Kratos frowns. "Well, there is one minor detail . . . I am in a therapy group."

Phaedra raises an eyebrow. "A therapy group for whom?"

"Victims of fan girls."

The mayor scoffs, "That is the most preposterous thing I have ever—"

_THUD!_ A crazed girl slams against the window just behind Kratos and squeals, "Kratos, my love! You are so emo and bishi and cool and we must marry and you work and I don't and have my babies so I scream kawaii at their adorable faces! MARRY MEEEEE!"

Kratos points out, "It wouldn't seem as preposterous to you if little things like that happened to you at almost a daily basis. I assure you, though, that these girls will not interfere with the world regeneration journey and bring no harm to Colette. All they will do is disturb my personal life."

The fan girl at the window continues, "Kratos, forget that Anna slut since she's dead and sleep with me and worship me forever and ever! I LOVE YOU!"

Kratos huffs, "Humph. Their fan club president Marigold must be on vacation right now. Usually she doesn't allow her subordinates to aggravate me like this."

"What . . . sort of things . . . do these fan girls do?" Frank questions as he stares at the fan girl with a disturbed expression.

". . . I won't say," Kratos repeats. "You can ask Sephiroth, Sasuke Uchiha, and Ryo Bakura for details since they are in the same therapy session as I am. I refuse to list the worst things these girls have done to me."

* * *

Fan girls. That's all that we have to say.

And who knew that Marigold the president of the Kratos Aurion Fan Club was actually doing big favors for Kratos? Who knew that she was actually one of the smart fan girls?

And, yes, I know the Japanese names mentioned are supposed to be Uchiha Sasuke and Bakura Ryo since last names are mentioned before the first name. I did the reverse of that because shut up.


	290. Drunken Fit

It's been a while since a skit like this appeared.

It's going to get really annoying.

* * *

"Ahhhh . . ." Zelos sighs as he takes a drink in the high class bar. "Nothing like a good Flanoir potion."

"I can't believe it's my turn to watch you," Sheena grumbles. "It was supposed to be Raine's turn but she got sick with the flu."

"Quit complaining," Zelos casually replies. "If you don't I might buy you a drink from this fine potion establishment. They make their own potion, you know."

"Don't tempt me," Sheena warns. "Me being sober is the only way you'll make it back to the inn in one piece."

Zelos ignores her as he takes an elegant drink of his potion and looks in a random direction. He frowns at the sight and asks, "Is that who I think it is?"

"Where?" Sheena looks around.

Zelos points out, "There at the bar over there. Is that . . ."

"I hope not." Sheena walks over to the bar far off and inspects the person Zelos was referring to. ". . . Happy ametuer."

I swing towards her with a Flanoir potion bottle in my hand. "Heeey! Sheeeenaaaa! Whassup?"

Sheena critically narrows her eyes at me. "I can't believe you. You're not even at the legal drinking age yet!"

"Am too! . . . In _Germany!_" I squawk.

"This isn't Germany."

"You're such a prude . . ." As I pour myself another drink, missing the glass some, I go, "Hey . . . Hey . . . Hey, Sheena . . . Hey . . . Uh, hey . . . Hey—"

"What?" Sheena snaps. "I was waiting for you to get to the point!"

"Sp-speaking of 'prude' . . ." I take another drink. ". . . You alwaaayyzz act sooo angry when Zzeelus hitz on yah. But . . . yah, know . . . if that's thuh case . . . why do you dress like a hooeeee?"

"Excuse me?" Sheena bites.

"Yah heard meh," I challenge. "You dress like a hoe! Look at yourself! Your cleavage is ou' fer everyun tah see and yah don' try tah cover it up! Your 'kimano'—"

"Kimono."

"Saaaamme diff'rence!"

Zelos stops just behind Sheena. "Wooowww . . . She's drunk."

"Am noooot!" I deny. "Jus' _buzzed_."

"Sure, kid."

"Hey . . . Hey, Zelos . . ."

"What?"

"Why . . . Why do you . . . look like such a giirrrrlll? Are you fan girlz a bit gay since they dig a guy who looks like a giirrrrlll?"

Zelos walks away. "I'm out of here. Sheena, you take her home."

"Don't you dare just leave me with her!" Sheena carps.

"Watch me as I do." Then he leaves without another word.

I dizzily offer, "Hey . . . Hey, Sheena . . . Hey . . . Wanna drink? This stuff iz goooooood."

"You're going to bed."

"Nooo . . . No I'm not."

Sheena narrows her eyes at me. She holds up two fingers and asks, "How many fingers am I holding up? If you guess correctly then I'll leave you here."

I squint my eyes at her hand and attempt, "Uh . . . Four. No wait, three—no four! Four is mah final answer!"

"Wrong. I've got two fingers up. You're coming with me."

As she drags me from the bar I whine, "Nnnnoooooooooooooo—"

"Quit whining."

"—ooooooooooooooooooo—"

"I said quit whining!"

"—oooooooooooooooo—"

"I said _shut up!_"

As soon as we get out the double doors of the fancy bar I point and shout, "Ooo! Look, a DOG!"

"Go ahead and shout that at the top of your lungs _right_ in my ears."

"Come back, doggie! Don't run away!"

Sheena gripes, "Why—WHY—in the world were you drinking?"

I get quite for a moment before I respond, "Hey . . . Hey, Sheena . . . Hey . . . I'm gonna, like . . . reread Twilight . . . you know . . . to write a review."

"Please tell me that's the potion talking."

"Ess nooot . . ." I insist. "I wanna say goodbye . . . to my sanity . . . you know, before I start reviewi'g."

"I think you already lost your sanity a long time ago." Then Sheena pauses for a brief second before correcting, "I take that back. You never had any sanity."

I suddenly shout, "BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!"

Sheena flinches and drops me. I shakily get to my feet and continue with my fists pumped into the air, "PEACE, MAN! PEEEEAAAACCCCCE!"

Sheena grabs hold of my arm and hurries me away from public eye. "_What_ have you been drinking?"

"Sheena . . ." I go. "Hey . . . Hey . . . Sheena . . ."

Sheena continues to ignore me. I lift myself up to her shoulder to get to her ear and repeat, "Sheena . . . Sheena . . . Hey . . . Sheena—"

"WHAT?"

"I . . . I love you . . . You're like . . . a sister to me . . . Yeah . . . Twin sister . . ."

Sheena grumbles, "Then I feel so sorry for your real sister . . . Huh?" Sheena notices my breath. "Happy . . . You breath doesn't smell like alcohol. Where you really drinking potion?"

"Heheheheheheheh . . ."

"You were messing with me the ENTIRE TIME?" Sheena exclaims.

I get up to my feet relatively easily with perfect balance and happily confess, "Yes I was. I was only drinking grape juice."

Sheena's eyes go wide before she bites, "You—!"

"Later~!" I make my escape.

"_Come back here!_"

* * *

Lol! It was so annoying of a skit! *sigh* If only fanfic . net would allow us to use question marks and exclamation points in one spot to express shouted questions.

Oh, and, by the way, I'm totally serious about reviewing Twilight. I don't remember the book much so I'll read it again as if I've never even heard of it before and take a good deep look into the series. I'll look at it fairly with no prejudice in my opinions (meaning fans will hate me cause i don't like it and haters will hate me cause i don't totally slam it). So . . . I'll be getting flamed by both fans and haters when it gets posted. ^^

Watch as later I'll have grind my teeth so badly from reading it that my next dentist appointment will be really painful with LOTS of fillings. And why am I planning to do this? . . .

For your entertainment pleasure. Watch a Twilight hater force herself through this book.


	291. Power Thrust!

My only question is how come I never saw this before.

* * *

"Unison Attack! Power Thrust!" Sheena calls out. She looks around. "Lloyd! Lloyd! Where's Lloyd?"

Zelos points towards Lloyd. "Over there getting patched up by Raine."

Sheena sighs. "Well, I guess I'll settle with you. Power Thrust, got it?"

"You bet I got it. I'll have you screaming after some Power Thrusting," Zelos remarks. "If not, I'll leave you speechless."

"If you don't stop and just perform the Unison Attack I'll throw you to the monsters!"


	292. Hacking the Link

An angel of Derris Kharlan works on the high-tech computer with Yggdrasill looking over his shoulder. A few clicks on the keyboard later, the soulless angel proclaims, "I have done it, Lord Yggdrasill. The Renegades' database has been successfully hacked."

Yggdrasill orders, "Good. Now download their plans."

"Yes, my lord." The angel searches through the database . . .

. . . _"Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert . . ."_

Yggdrasill shouts, "Damn it all to hell! The Renegades Rick Roll'd me!"

"What shall I do, my lord?" the angel asks.

"Go back to the previous page," Yggdrasill bites.

The angel tries a moment but reports, "I cannot, my lord. The link will not let me leave."

"Try other methods."

This continues for a moment or two with never ending failures to exit the page. Finally, the angel informs, "My lord, the only way I can take this page down is if I shut down the system."

"Damn the Renegades!" Yggdrasill curses. "Is there any other way to get us off the Renegade database? As soon as they realize that there is a computer connection between their database and ours then we will be vulnerable to their computer hacking!"

"No, my lord. I am afraid that there is no other way."

"Damn it! Fine! Shut it all down!"

Yuan, close enough to overhear all this yet far enough to barely be heard, mutters to himself, "That actually worked? I would've thought the angels here were smarter than that."


	293. Lamentations

Don't worry, everyone. It's all BS.

* * *

Lloyd searches on the internet on the computer when he encounters a file. His eyes widen and he excitedly shouts out, "Hey, guys! They're doing a movie over us!"

"Really? Who's directing it?" Sheena asks as she, Zelos, and Kratos walk over.

Lloyd reads the name of the director. "Some guy named 'M. Night Shyamalan.'"

Zelos falls to his knees. "NO! NOT THE HOLLYWOOD RAPE!"

"That _can't_ be right!" Sheena reads over Lloyd's shoulder and gasps, "_He IS directing it! He's writing the script too! He's going to ruin it!_"

Zelos gravely woes, "He's probably going to hire people for their race to try to match their race to our names! An American for Lloyd since he wears red, white, and blue; a Japanese girl for Sheena since she's from Mizuho despite the fact that she was adopted when she was an abandoned infant; a French girl for Colette since her name is originally French; and a Chinese guy for Yuan since his name is Chinese! Everything to do with meaningless detail and NOTHING to do with acting abilities!"

Sheena bewails, "He'll probably just skim over the plot and notice that we have some plot elements referring to Norse mythology and have the entire movie based in Norway! Triet and Flanoir will be entirely CGI down to the signs on the inns—not that it'll make any difference since _everything_ will be CGI! Screw props and trying to make it as real-looking as possible! He'll probably even add in a few trees as vague symbolism!"

Zelos cries out, "That movie will be so rushed that not even the _fans_ will know what's going on! First they will see Colette getting the oracle for some random reason and then the actors will literally rip off Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back and make that plot device even _more_ overused and obvious!"

Lloyd looks between the two in their lamentations and notices Kratos leaving. "Where are you going?" Lloyd asks.

Kratos stops and explains, "I'm going to have a little . . . 'talk' with Shyamalan about certain details. After all, I wouldn't want my name to change to 'Cratus' simply because he wants to return the pronunciation of the name 'Kratos' back to its Greek roots."

Lloyd sighs. "While all of you are complaining, I'm just going to ignore this and not watch the movie. His current ratings are lower than ten."

* * *

Seriously, Shyamalan needs to get his head out of his ass and realize that there is a reason why he's not getting nearly as much money as he used to.


	294. L'Oreal

No, I don't use L'Oreal. This is just obnoxious.

* * *

Sheena stares quizzically at Zelos, specifically his hair. It was springy and wavy, a bit wild, yet it had a smooth texture and no frizzled hairs sticking out. Just how is that possible?

"Zelos," she addresses.

Zelos turns to her with a welcoming grin. "Yes, my great-breasted hunny?"

Sheena bites, "Call me that again and I'll send you sky high—and I'll _definitely_ work on breaking my current record of twenty-nine feet."

"Okay, okay! What is it?" Zelos retreats.

"What kind of shampoo do you use?" Sheena wonders. "It's all . . . wild and crazy yet there isn't a single frizzy hair sticking out."

"Weellll . . ." Zelos goes with a dramatic flip of his hair. "It's kind of a long story."

"Oh boy . . ."

Zelos tells, "At first my hair was nothing but a sad, _sad_ attempt at style and originality. I just _couldn't_ get a hair style that was just me without so many problems coming up. So I switched shampoos to L'Oreal. It was the best choice I ever made."

Zelos turns about to show off his hair. "L'Oreal helps keeps the moisture in and humidity out, eliminating all frizzy stray hairs and gives my hair that silky smooth texture and shiny look. What just wouldn't work before is now a flexible thing that pushes the boundaries in _all_ the right ways. L'Oreal is what gives me my signature hair style."

"L'Oreal," Sheena flatly responds.

"Yup." Zelos gives her a thumbs up. "L'Oreal. Because I'm worth it."


	295. Problem Students

As is posted onto my profile, I will not be doing any fan fiction writing during the month of November. I will be binge writing for a contest called NaNoWriMo. There's a link to the website explaining NaNoWriMo on my profile, but it's a contest where writers go on a complete abandon and write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

God help me. ^^

* * *

A new day of class, all the students chattering away with each other, and the morning sun peeks over the horizon. Then, as the door opens and Raine Sage enters, the entire room falls silent. In her arms are the usual folders and papers, but today, one more item is added: a clear glass jar nearly the size of Raine's head filled with smoky ashes. As Raine sets her things down and arranges them all neatly, it becomes clear that the jar serves a purpose, for a paper label taped onto the jar reads "Ashes of Problem Students".

Lloyd frowns and looks over to Genis. "Is Professor Sage just kidding about that jar of ashes?"

Before Genis makes a reply, Raine grins wickedly and taps the jar as she warns, "Lloyd, unless you wish to join the three students in this jar, I suggest you stay quiet today—and stay awake too for that matter. In light of that, I hope you got a good night's rest last night."

Lloyd calmly challenges, "You just scooped those up from your fireplace. You can't fool me, Professor."

"Oh, really? Is that what you think?" Raine kindly informs, "Then I suppose you will soon find out otherwise when you see Sara, James, and Blake again."

Lloyd gulps at the mention of the three siblings who had recently left. Supposedly, the siblings' family moved out for Palmacosta for better opportunities but it was in such a hurry that no one saw anything of the family before they moved out of the village.

Lloyd whispers to Genis, "_Please_ tell me she's messing with us . . ."

"She is," Genis attempts to reassure. ". . . I think."


	296. Failed Scare

"Altamira really does have some crazy Halloween decorations," Zelos notes.

Genis awes, "Yeah! They're really creepy!" Then he looks over across the sitting room in the hotel. "Look! A coffin! They actually have a coffin here!"

Zelos replies, "I see it. Don't get too excited, though. I'm sure it's fake."

"Fake or not," Genis states with a smirk, "this is a good chance to pull a prank on Lloyd. One of us gets into the coffin while the other goes to get Lloyd. When the person getting Lloyd brings him over, the person in the coffin pops out and scares him! How's that?"

"Not bad, brat," Zelos tells. "It just might work."

Genis flatly remarks, "Why do I get the feeling that 'brat' turned into an endearment?"

"Alright . . ." Zelos starts as they step close to the decorative coffin. "I go get Lloyd, and you jump into the coffin."

"What? No way!" Genis refuses. "Are you even looking at this thing? It's solid metal! If I can barely lift Presea's ax, do you think I can lift this fast enough to scare Lloyd? You get in it!"

Zelos grimaces. "Hell would freeze over sooner! That thing is creepier than shit!"

"Well I guess hell froze over," Genis comments. "You're the only one who can lift that lid."

"Tch. Fine," Zelos huffs as he opens the lid. After getting in and settling into a good position, Genis closes the bottom lid and moves to the front of the coffin.

Zelos tells him, "Get Lloyd here as soon as possible. I don't want to stay in here."

"Be sure to completely close it when Lloyd gets here," Genis advises. "It'll give us away if the lid is slightly open for air."

Then Genis closes the upper lid.

_Click!_

"_What was that?" _Zelos' muffled voice warily questions.

"I-I don't know." Genis looks around to find the source . . . and discovers a latch lock. The coffin is very real.

"Uh-oh . . ." Genis goes.

"_What do you mean 'uh-oh'? Open the lid!"_ The coffin lid jerks but the lock holds steady. _"Damn it! What's with this?"_

Genis tries to pry the latch lock open but with no luck. He tries again but to no results.

"Uummm . . ." Genis utters. "Zelos?"

"_Brat! What's going on? Let me out!"_

"Zelos, just stay calm!" Genis tells him. "I'm going to get help! Just take _very_ slow and even breaths and you shouldn't run out of air soon!"

"_GENIS!"_

"Stay calm!" Genis orders. "I'll be right back!"

Genis runs off with Zelos still trapped in the coffin. Zelos struggles against the lid at first before finally giving up and deciding to wait for Genis to come back with help anyway. A little time passes . . .

"Wow! This is pretty cool!"

Zelos identifies the new voice as Lloyd's. Oh, the irony!

"The details are quite stunning, especially with the coffin. It even looks genuine."

That would be the gorgeous Raine's voice.

"That's because the coffin really is genuine! The previous owner didn't want it since the order got mixed up. I believe the family wanted a white coffin with silver handles rather than this black one with silver handles . . . Anyway, when they got to the viewing they found out that the order got mixed up and sent this one back."

A stranger's voice. Probably an employee's. Zelos listens carefully with growing horror as he realizes that—

Lloyd's voice wonders, "So someone was really in this? Like, an actual corpse?"

"That's a fact!" the employee chirps. "We had to sanitize—"

Zelos finally panics.

"_LET ME OUT! LET ME OOOUUUT!"_ The lid jumps and convulses in violent fits as the voice from inside shouts and cries out.

"AAAAHHHH!" Lloyd shouts as he begins to flee.

"EEEK!" the female employee squeals as she runs for her life. "It's a zombie!"

Raine leaps back in fright but quickly recognizes the panicking voice. She searches for the restraining lock and discovers the latch. With strength and precision, Raine crashes her staff against the latch and knocks it completely clean off.

The lid bursts open as Zelos tumbles out, gasping for air, "GYAAAHaaaauuuhhh . . . Gauh . . . hauh . . . hauh . . . hauh . . ."

Raine raises her staff and smacks Zelos upside the head.

"Ow!" Zelos yelps at the pain.

"You idiot," Raine snips. "I don't care what your motivation was for getting into that coffin but you deserved every bit of torment you experienced from it."

* * *

Although I made up the latch, the story for the coffin is actually based on a real coffin that my college actually uses for decoration. The family ordered a certain coffin and discovered they got the wrong one during the viewing. Since coffins can't be sent back into coffin sales since it violates health laws, other people get a chance to get it, somehow. I think they get sanitized, plus it's not like a body is in the coffin for long if it's going to be sent back.

. . . I know it sounds callous but I'm talking about the coffin, not the person.

**2012 Edit: I need to admit that the story about how the coffin was obtained was completely fabricated by the person who told me. They told me it simply because I'm gullible and the person is a complete troll.**


	297. Brawl Strategies

Me: Must . . . play . . . FF7!

Zelos: Uh-oh. This isn't good. If she plays that game she won't focus on me at all!

Me: *reaches for original game*

Zelos: *grabs game*

Me: *grabs game and yanks* GIMME!

Zelos: NO!

*game slips out of our hands and crashes onto the floor, discs scattered and damaged*

Me: O.O . . . . . . *strangles Zelos* DAMN YOU TO HELL, ZELOS! IT TOOK ME TWO YEARS TO FIND THAT GAME! IN MINT CONDITION TOO!

Zelos: ACK! GET OFF ME! SOMEBODY HELP!

(Yeah . . . I'm getting obsessed with FF7 again . . .)

* * *

Samus leaps down off the platform, aiming for the heart right below. With her only ally down, she can't afford to keep her health low. How fortunate that the heart is just outside the usual range of the tag-team fight she's in—

"You're not going anywhere!"

Smoke surrounds her in every direction. Samus whips around to find an escape—

"Dark Serpent!"

"Gah!" Samus yelps as Lloyd zips through the smoke and slices through her. She leaps into the air and goes into hiding.

Lloyd offers, "Take it, Sheena. You have more damage than I do."

"Thanks." Sheena bends down and takes the heart, her damage going considerably down. Then, she says, "Time to get Samus! She can't hide forever!"

Lloyd makes a nonverbal sign for her to keep quiet, remembering that Samus is close. He points at Sheena and signals for her to go around while Lloyd stays where he is as a distraction. Sheena nods and disappears into the field.

Lloyd pretends to be searching for Samus while Sheena executes the real part of their strategy. Although, despite that, he keeps a good eye out for Samus in case the same thing is on her mind.

Suddenly, he hears someone approach from behind him. Lloyd grabs onto his swords—

"Don't worry; it's me," assures Sheena's voice.

Lloyd relaxes for a second—

_BOOOOOSSSSHHHH!_

Samus' fully charged energy blast makes a direct hit on Lloyd and sends him flying.

_BOOOOMMM!_

Sheena snarls, "You're going to pay for that!"

Samus places her helmet back on and faces her last opponent. Her voice, this time altered by her suit, taunts, "Who said I couldn't use how similar our voices are for my advantage?"

* * *

This one is funny if you know that, at one point, Sheena's voice actor also did Samus'.

It seriously did take me two years to find the original Final Fantasy VII, and this was before there were any sequels and long before the PS3 would come out. Plus, the first time I used Ebay, I actually fell for a scam involving this game (i fortunately got my money back through paypal's security and scam protection, though).


	298. Getting into Trouble

The title for this skit would be an understatement.

* * *

Lloyd rests on a bench in Meltokio. What a long day. There were supplies to be bought, weapons and armor to be repaired, and a large assortment of other errands to do. Now with the evening as everyone's break time, the entire group scattered and hasn't been seen since. Zelos, especially, has disappeared. While everyone catches at least a glimpse of everyone else, the Tethe'allan Chosen is nowhere to be—

Suddenly, out of the complete blue, Zelos comes racing towards Lloyd's direction. A panicked expression twists his face as the young man dashes in his chosen direction.

Zelos halts by Lloyd and rushes, "IfanyoneasksIwentthatway! 'Kthanks!"

With that, Zelos flees in the absolute opposite direction of where he indicated he would be.

Lloyd stares in confusion and mild surprise. "O . . . kaaaayyyy . . . What's up with him?"

"WHERE IS HE?"

Lloyd jumps as a large burly man shoves his way through and whips his face around in search of something. The man's eyes land on Lloyd and he jabs a giant finger at him. "YOU!"

Lloyd prepares to flee as the large man stomps up to him. Lloyd attempts to get away but the man snatches the collar of his jacket and bellows, "WHERE IS ZELOS WILDER? I KNOW YOU'RE ONE OF HIS FRIENDS! WHERE THE F**K IS HE?"

"_I-I don't know!_" Lloyd yelps. "_I'm not his keeper!_"

"GODDESS DAMN HIM!" the burly man screams, his face colored a deep purple. "ONCE I FIND HIM I'LL RIP HIM TO PIECES FOR SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE! YOU TELL HIM THAT NEXT TIME YOU SEE HIM! YOU TELL HIM!"

"_I will! I will! Just let me go!_" Lloyd shouts out. Once the man releases Lloyd and storms off, Lloyd slides back down on the bench with his eyes wide and still jumpy from what happened. When Lloyd recollects his wits, he curses, "Damn it, Zelos! Why is he always getting into trouble with sleeping with other people's girlfriends or wives?"

* * *

Zelos: Mind if I sleep here for tonight?

Me: No, dammit! And once again, get out of my room!

Zelos: I'll just bunk on your bed for tonight, alright?

Me: No you're not! Get out! You're not hiding here!

Zelos: Just for one night! You can get out that trundle bed you've got. I'll sleep on that.

Me: Sleep in the hallway, if you must, but my room is _strictly _off limits!_ Get out!_

Zelos: So cold . . . *leaves*


	299. Questionable Methods

Oh man . . . Just one more until skit # 300 . . . The pressure to make an ultimate skit!

. . . No! I will NOT have someone in the 300th skit go "THIS IS SPARTA!"

* * *

Hearing that it's Regal's turn to cook this time, Lloyd enters the kitchen to see what Regal is making—

Lloyd halts in his tracks when he spots his friend. "R-Regal!"

Regal sits in a chair with his hands to the side and his feet up on the table, handling and making rice balls. Regal turns his eyes away from his expert work and to Lloyd. "Yes? What is it, Lloyd?"

Lloyd gawks and sputters in shock as he points towards the rice balls.

Regal casually goes, "Yes, Lloyd, I am making rice balls for lunch today. They will be ready in a few minutes."

"B-bu-but . . . !" Lloyd forces out. "You're _cooking_ with your _feet!_ You're actually cooking with your feet!"

Regal continues to prepare the rice balls with his feet. "It really wouldn't have worked out well if I just used my hands since I'm under restraints."

"I thought all of that was just a joke!"

"I believe there was some sort of misunderstanding. It really wasn't a joke." Regal finishes one rice ball and offers it, "Here, Lloyd, would you like a taste?"

Lloyd slowly backs away. "Aaaahhhhhh nothanksRegal."

"I assure you that I washed my feet. I believe they are more sanitary than my own hands."

Lloyd backs up into the door. "IIIII think Colette is calling! Yeah! So I'll taste your rice feet—er—rice balls later. Bye, Regal!"

Lloyd dashes out of the kitchen.

Regal snorts, "Hmph. I suppose he loses out on a good opportunity, then."

* * *

It's really hard to make a skit concerning Regal since he isn't a comic relief character like Zelos is (and on many occasions Lloyd). So really, this skit is a rare miracle.

Questionable methods, indeed . . .


	300. Social Networking

My 300th skit. I was inspired by -.-honeydew7-.- and decided to make my own skit based off the same topic. Though I have done the social networking joke once before and it was concerning a Kratos fan girl. This time I'm just being specific.

Anyway, go check out -.-honeydew7-.- for a casual comedy fic over facebook.

This one has a bit for everyone. ^^

**

* * *

Lloyd Irving**: Alright! I've got my own facebook page now! This is cool!

_ 17 hours ago_

**Colette Burnel**: Hi, Lloyd! Wow! You're on Facebook! Now we can talk all the time no matter where we are!

17 hours ago

**Genis Sage**: Sounds like the perfect place for a stalker.

_17 hours ago_

**Shiina Fujibayashi** and **3 others** like this.

**Zelos Gorgeous Wilder**: Whats up, Lloyd? Came here to pick up girls? Hate to break it to ya bud but all the fangirls naturally flock to me.

_16 hours ago_

**Shiina Fujibayashi**: Only you would pick up girls on the internet.

_16 hours ago_

**Zelos Gorgeous Wilder**: U're just jealous of all my fangirls :3

_16 hours ago_

**Shiina Fujibayashi**: What's there to be jealous of?

_16 hours ago_

**Genis Sage**,** Raine Sage**,and **5 others** like this.

**Zelos Gorgeous Wilder**: Ouch! Harsh!

_16 hours ago_

**

* * *

Lloyd Irving**: Hey, does anyone know why Kratos deleted his facebook account?

_13 hours ago_

**Regal Bryant**: I believe Kratos simply got tired of the ridiculous amount of attention he was being given on this social network site.

_12 hours ago_

**Shiina Fujibayashi**: I had a look at his wall before he deleted his account. It's crammed with spam about girls who want to sleep with him and general insults towards his wife. Their president had to send a formal apology to him for the cyber harassment.

_12 hours ago_

**Hokage Uzamaki**: thats horrible! it reminds me of when sasuke deleted his myspace account!

_10 hours ago_

**Shikamaru Nara**: Naruto, that had less to do with overzealous fangirls and more to do with Orochimaru sexually harassing him through the internet. Now go change your user name. You're not Hokage.

_10 hours ago_

**6 others **like this.

**Kakashi**: Naruto, if you don't arrive at the training grounds in five minutes I will physically drag you from the computer to the training grounds. Is that clear?

_10 hours ago_

**Hokage Uzamaki**: i get it master kakashi! im going!

_10 hours ago_

**Kakashi**: Your countdown is at four minutes. Better hurry.

_10 hours ago_

**

* * *

Barret**: Does anyone here know how to hack a high-security database?

_9 hours ago_

**Lloyd Irving**: Professor Sage does. I know I saw her hack into the Asgard human ranch's computers.

_9 hours ago_

**Raine Sage**: Lloyd, don't ever advertise my computer skills to strangers.

_9 hours ago_

**Cloud Strife**: Barret, don't go asking questions like that on Facebook where anyone could see you. Besides, we have Cid and Vincent here to help us. Why do you need to ask anyone that?

_9 hours ago_

**Reno the Turk**: Sounds like someone's asking to get rick roll'd. I'll place a few bugs especially for you Cloud and your gun-arm boyfriend.

_8 hours ago_

**Cloud Strife**: How could BARRET be my boyfriend?

_8 hours ago_

**Sora the Keyblade Master**: Hey cloud! Is that you? Long time no see! Hey how are you? We should talk more often. Hows Aerith and Yuffie and Cid and Leon? Tell them I said hi okay? I'll tell Riku and Kairi that you said hi too!

_6 hours ago_

**Reno the Turk**: Who's the shrimp? You in with his crowd? Sounds like he's a really close friend of yours.

_6 hours ago_

**Cloud Strife**: damn it. I hate facebook.

_6 hours ago_

**2 others** like this.

**

* * *

Reimu Hakurei**: This seems like a popular place. Anyone interested in donating to the Hakurei Shrine?

_5 hours ago_

**Lloyd Irving**: Who are you? Uh yeah I guess I'll donate. How's 10 gald?

_5 hours ago_

**Reimu Hakurei**: 10 GALD? YOU CHEAP BASTARD! YOU THINK I CAN SUPPORT A SHRINE ON ONLY 10 GALD?

_5hours ago_

**Lloyd Irving**: I'm sorry! That's all I have! Really!

_5 hours ago_

**Reimu Hakurei**: Well, I GUESS 10 gald will do. It's just so HARD to support a shrine!

_5 hours ago_

**Higurashi Kagome**: I can pitch in some. My family runs a shrine so I can understand. How about 200 yen?

_4 hours ago_

**Reimu Hakurei**: Why, thank you! Although 200 yen is very humble, you can help support the Hakurei Shrine more by spreading word about it and suggesting that they donate as well!

_4 hours ago_

**Edward Elric**: From the looks of things, you are nothing but a charlatan.

_2 hours ago_

**Reimu Hakurei**: It's better than being a shrimp.

_2 hours ago_

**Edward Elric**: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

_2 hours ago_

**Reimu Hakurei**: Shrimp, midget, shorty, dwarf, runt, squirt, half-pint, pygmy, pipsqueak.

_2 hours ago_

**4 others** like this.

**Edward Elric**: YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!

_2 hours ago_

**Reimu Hakurei**: I'd like to see you try to reach me when you do, puny kid. :P

_2 hours ago_

**Edward Elric**: I CAN REACH YOU JUST FINE!

_2 hours ago_

**Reno the Turk**: Calm down, kid. At least she isn't calling you a sparkling fruity fairy.

_1 hour ago_

**Edward Elric**: WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE CALLS ME THAT!

_1 hour ago_

**Reno the Turk**: Alright, if you say so. From now on your name will be Edward Cullen~

_1 hour ago_

**Edward Elric**: GOD DAMN IT!

_1 hour ago_

**

* * *

Zelos Gorgeous Wilder**: The hell man! Your wall is a social network by itself!

_21 minutes ago_

**Shiina Fujibayashi**: For once, Zelos and I agree. It's just ridiculous.

_17 minutes ago_

**Lloyd Irving**: They just come here on their own! I don't have any control over it!

_15 minutes ago_

**Colette Burnel**: Look on the bright side, Lloyd! You're popular!

_11 minutes ago_

**Genis Sage**: I don't think these comments came here because of Lloyd.

_9 minutes ago_

**Regal Bryant**: This isn't something you need to worry yourself over, Lloyd. It's best to ignore them.

_5 minutes ago_

**Raine Sage** and **Shiina Fujibayashi** like this.

**Lloyd Irving**: Look at it! My wall is COVERED with SPAM!

_4 minutes ago_

** Zelos Gorgeous Wilder** and **Genis Sage** like this.

* * *

Tales of Symphonia, Naruto, Final Fantasy VII, Kingdom Hearts, TouHou, InuYasha, and FullMetal Alchemist. That's a lot of crossover crap. The only one I don't really expect many people to get is the joke with Reimu, who's a shrine priestess in the TouHou games (scroll shooter games). Reimu is a theif/priestess/self-proclaimed righter of wrongs, so she's an interesting character. But still a bit of a pill.

Poor Lloyd lol.


	301. Zelos' Hunny

Alright, I needed a little break from nanowrimo. I'm behind but it's really hard to keep up with it all. I'm getting back into shape, though. By the way, I'm a little over 1/5th of the way to the goal.

So here's a new skit. I put in Regal because he's the only character that comes in when everyone else is around so Zelos can pull this off on someone who _might_ believe him.

* * *

The newest member of their group, the prisoner named Regal, observes Sheena and notes, "This Sheena certainly is interesting."

"Isn't she?" Zelos goes. "FYI, Sheena's mine so no staring at her for too long. Since you didn't know about this fact, I'll let this one slide for now."

Regal dryly informs, "I was noting her character rather than her . . . appearances."

"Now you're just crazy," Zelos expresses with a smile. "Who can't note my beloved mistress's mind blowing good looks?"

Regal dismisses Zelos' antics. However, Zelos continues, "There is just something special about Sheena. After several incredible nights, I've come to realize what it is."

"And you will tell me whether or not I want to hear, are you?" Regal wonders as he senses what Zelos is going to say.

"You're just jealous." Zelos, with a smirk, describes, "My hunny Sheena's eyes are nothing like the sun; then coral is far more red than her lips; and if hair be wires then coarse black wires grow from her head. I've seen roses damasked but I don't see anything like that in her cheeks; and some perfumes smell much more delicious than the reek my hunny breathes. Then I love to hear her squawk but I found music a lot easier on my ears; and, granted I've never seen a goddess walk, but my hunny does worse than treading when she walks on ground."

Then Zelos sighs pleasantly, "And yet, oh goddess, I think my love is the rarest she's ever had with false compare."

Regal regards Zelos for a moment before responding, "I don't know if I should congratulate you for interpreting a classic poem in such a way . . ."

Then Regal motions to a livid Sheena. "Or on provoking one of the last people you can afford to antagonize."

Zelos whirls around and discovers Sheena's glaring expression. He defends, "It's out of love, Sheena! It's out of . . . Uh oh."

Regal watches as Zelos flees from Sheena's inevitable charge. He observes the interaction for a moment before commenting, ". . . Perhaps 'interesting' was an understatement."

* * *

It's all positive. Really. Even Zelos' flat insults. ^^

This time I used one of Shakespeare's famous poems.


	302. Absent Inspiration

Anyone like my new avatar pic? ^^

I lost at NaNoWriMo. I just suddenly got writer's block and everything stopped. All I could do was finish an already planned chapter of Confessions.

I don't feel too bad about losing though. I gave it my best shot. I'm satisfied with that.

* * *

"Ciao, ladies!" Zelos coos as he bids farewell to some of his new groupies. "I'll see every one of you next time I go on vacation—which I promise will be very soon~!"

_CHUD!_

Zelos yelps and jumps back in shock. Before him is a spear with a sharp dragon fang for a blade crashed deep into the wall just next to him, right on the spot where he was going to walk to. He lashes around with his hand on his sword before he finds . . . ". . . Happy ametuer?"

I go to retrieve the spear and yank it out of the wall.

Zelos warily chirps, "I-I see you found Kelsey's spear! Good for you! Now let's go return it before you hurt someone with that!"

I turn to Zelos, my muse, and hiss, "You son of a b**ch . . ."

Zelos backs away as I start rising the spear up to him.

I continue to hiss, "Just because I'm in a writing contest that has nothing to do with Tales of Symphonia does _not_ mean you get to take a vacation that lasts a lot longer than the duration of that contest! I'm _scrambling_ for inspiration for _all_ of my fics now! From Protesting to that Legend of Zelda crossover! I can't even find any for Confessions of a Self Insert!"

"N-now, now, let's be reasonable," Zelos attempts. "It's hard being a muse! Even I need a break! Don't you have finals coming up soon, anyway? Put the spear down . . ."

I snarl, "You had better start doing your job by the time semester finals are over . . . OR ELSE!"

Zelos gulps. "I get the message . . ."

* * *

*sigh* . . . It's just not in me anymore . . . The only thing I feel inspiration to write is a novelization of the pokemon games. That's it. Everything else . . . *sigh*

I hope everything is better by the time semester finals in college end . . .

Oh, and for those of you who don't know, Kelsey is my SI OC in Confessions of a Self Insert. She wields a spear for a weapon (and was recently upgraded to having a dragon fang for a blade).


	303. An Open Letter

My own version of the McSweeney's Internet Tendency Open Letters.

Here's the url. Just take away the spaces.

http:/www . mcsweeneys . net/links/openletters/

* * *

An Open Letter to a Person or Entity Who is Unlikely to Respond.

An Open Letter to Zelos Wilder, My Fickle and Typically Absent Muse.

Dear Mr. Wilder, Muse of Happy Ametuer,

Your life as a Chosen of Tethe'alla must be a very busy one with society always demanding your constant presence considering that not only are you the second-highest member of the Church of Martel but you are also one of the highest members of your absolute monarchy government. Indeed, I cannot imagine what sort of social, political, and spiritual pressure you constantly go through every day of your life. I am certain if we switched places, we would both die: me from the immense pressure and you from boredom.

However, during the year of 2010, you have added another responsibility to your to-do list (which must be as long as you are tall) and have volunteered to be my muse. This has turned into a rather interesting and very exciting partnership as you shared details about the others of the group dubbed the "Heroes of Regeneration" and gave suggestions of ideas and have even allowed yourself to become the butt-end of several of my jokes, graciously teasing yourself while laughing with everyone as they laugh at you.

And don't let me get started on how patient you were as I stumbled over the remains of Through the Brother's Eyes and the very beginning of Confessions of a Self Insert. In fact, I should probably thank you for providing me inspiration for a better version of a self-insert than what I originally concoct.

However, in this new year of 2011, you have become increasingly fickle and neglectful of me and your duties as a muse. I have not updated many of my stories in weeks to months and have not had the old inspiration to write for them. I do not know what you are doing but, through provided evidence, I'm beginning to suspect that you are off visiting a "lady friend" or several "lady friends" while you are supposed to carry out your duties as a muse. This has caused many of my precious stories to be put on hold and Confessions of a Self Insert to go by as slowly as thawing molasses in winter and I do not approve of this at all. There needs to be a change in this pattern and soon.

I'm not asking you to become chaste and dedicate more spare time to help me write. I know better than to demand the impossible from a philandering youth whose guardian angel's main task is to keep you from catching the STDs you should have gotten long ago. All I ask is a change in schedule so that you do not end up going with some loose woman while I'm stuck yanking my pretty red hair out of my skull as I try my best to wring out enough inspiration for a single chapter. Considering that I'm rather vain about my hair, especially over the color, this is a serious thing.

So do us both a favor and help me from going bald by becoming at least a little more cooperative. Help me write my stories again and I'll stop nagging at you to stay long enough to get me started on a chapter. From my perspective, it's a win-win situation.

Your Loyal Fan and Impatient Writer,

Happy Ametuer


	304. Raising the Difficulty Level

YES! Finally another skit! It's been so long that I was thinking that I might end up ending Protesting early anyway! Sad, sad fate . . .

But I'm back and ready to make more skits! I've got some more coming this way, too!

* * *

Lloyd steps out into the brawl battle field and preps himself up for a good fight. "Alright! Who's my first opponent? It's been a while since I've been here so I want it to be a tough fight!"

"_Calm down. He's getting here,"_ Snake blandly announces through the intercom in the control room. _"You'll get your fight."_

Then, just across the battle field, Lloyd's first challenger appears . . .

Clad in green, just under four feet, Young Link steps up with his sword. The boy smiles up at Lloyd and chirps, "Hi, Lloyd! Welcome back to the Super Smash Brothers HQ!"

Lloyd's face drops. "Uuhhh . . . Hi, Link. I, uh, didn't expect you."

Link tilts his head and his smile turns into a half smirk. "Were you expecting maybe Mario or Pit or maybe even my adult self?"

"Well, yeah, no offense," Lloyd confirms sheepishly.

"Don't worry! I can put up a fight just the way I am!" Link assures. ". . . But if you want, I can change things up a little so that you get a more difficult brawl."

"You'll do that? Thanks!" Lloyd grins widely.

Young Link reaches around into his bag and pulls out a strange item. Lloyd blinks in confusion at what Link pulled out. ". . . I didn't know we could bring in masks. What does it do?"

Link brings the mask to his face. "Oh, it just makes me more powerful."

"I see. Okay." Lloyd comments, "It looks really fierce with that white hair shape and the blue and red colors on its face."

"Hahahahah! That's funny! 'Fierce' is actually part of this mask's name!"

Link puts on the mask . . .

As he watches, Lloyd pales to bone white when he begins staring up at a ten-foot tall version of Link, his Kokiri Sword replaced by a wicked blade shaped in a double-helix. ". . . Maybe we should try something else."

With a deep adult voice, Link replies, "Too late~! The brawl already started~!"

"AAAAAHHHHHH!"

Back in the control room, Snake watches the slaughter from a safe perch. In conflicting thoughts, Snake thinks aloud, "Should I stop this brawl? It isn't in the illegal items list, but technically the Fierce Deity's Mask is an illegal item . . ."

"NO! LINK! STOP!"

"Hold still, Lloyd! I need some target practice!"

Then Snake contemplates, "Then again, since it's been so long since anyone's seen Fierce Deity that I might as well record this brawl. I'm sure everyone will appreciate Fierce Deity resurfacing while they're watching this."

* * *

For those of you who don't know, Fierce Deity Mask is an item from Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask that is so powerful that it can make easy work out of the game's final bosses. It's granted as an award for collecting all twenty masks in the game.

So, yeah, Lloyd's in huge trouble in this brawl.


	305. Quitting the Job

Siren and Muse posted a review and asked for an update and I thought "Why not?"

And a miracle happened! I was able to write a skit without writer's block!

Want another miracle? I started rewriting my kranna fic! It's much better than before!

* * *

Lloyd returns to camp with a troubled expression. "Guys, I have some bad news. Colette quit today."

Raine goes, "What do you mean by 'quit'? That doesn't sound like her at all!"

Kratos states, "It is the Chosen's duty to go to the Tower of Salvation and regenerate the world. This isn't just some job she could drop at the last minute."

Lloyd says, "Guys, I'm totally serious. She just up and left. I asked her why she was leaving and she just gave me that 'don't be stupid' look and gave me the note she was going to leave us."

"What does it say?" Genis demands.

Lloyd pulls a letter out of his pocket and opens it up. He reads, "Everyone, I looked at the script for Tales of Symphonia to see what else my job entitles. With being soulless for a good chunk of the first half of the game, getting kidnapped by a guy who qualifies for pedophilia-related offenses, undergoing an infection that turns my body into crystal, having another person's soul forced into my own body, and possibly being possessed by a sister-crazed maniac for as long as it takes to finish up the last few side quests in the game, I decided that they don't pay me enough for this job. I might not even have the benefit of being the main character's love interest since Sheena or Professor Raine or even Zelos might take up that spot depending on the player's options. So I quit. You can get someone else to fill this canon-sue role. Screw you all and the writers of this game, Colette."

Kratos curses, "Damn. She was perfect for the damsel-in-distress role."

Genis suggests, "Let's go after her! She couldn't have gone too far off!"

"I already tried that," Lloyd tells. "We're stuck without her."

Raine sighs, "Looks like we will have to find a replacement. Someone has to fill the role."

Genis goes, "Yeah but who? Who's stupid enough to voluntarily sign up for everything Colette described?"

Kratos speculates, "I can imagine only one kind of person, though I doubt many of you would be happy to hear this option . . ."

Raine prompts, "Who?"

"A Mary Sue."

Silence . . .

Lloyd starts backing away towards the direction he came from. "I'm going to get Colette. There's got to be something she'll agree to. If we can just get her and the people making this game to agree on something then maybe we won't have to resort in pairing me up with—er, I mean, placing a Mary Sue in Colette's role."

"Then I suggest you run," Raine cuts. "Mary Sues are _very_ easy to write in."

* * *

Think about it. Would you sign up for Colette's role? I certainly wouldn't.


	306. Oh My Edward!

Yeah, yeah, another Twilight joke. I'm recovering from writer's block so I can be somewhat excused.

Though I do make some nice (gagging) observations in this one so it could be worth the read.

* * *

Genis enters the lounge with the screams of rabid fangirls echoing out into the building from the street. He approaches the couch where Sheena lounges about reading a magazine out of sheer boredom. When he sits next to her, he hears the ninja mutter, "Lady Gaga just gets weirder and weirder . . ."

Genis doesn't comment to that as Sheena puts up the magazine and focuses on him. "Hey, you know what's with the fangirls out there? Who's the new 'celebrity' they're screaming over?"

Genis shrugs. "Just some Edward guy."

"Edward?" Sheena peers at him with a curious expression. ". . . Describe him."

"Ahhhh . . ." Genis thinks for a moment, and then smirks. "Well, he's has golden eyes, light hair, tons of fans, and has a bad temper."

"Really?" Sheena gets up from the couch excitedly—but then stops and looks at Genis with suspicion. ". . . Does he have a brother?"

"Huh?" Genis goes.

"Does he have a brother?" Sheena repeats. "A seemingly huge brother. The could-beat-up-Kratos kind of huge."

"Yeah! Yeah, he does!" Genis confirms. "They're surrounded by all those fangirls!"

Sheena curses, "The one time I get to meet him is when he's surrounded by screaming fangirls . . . I'll just have to make due!"

With that, Sheena bolts out the door.

Genis chortles maliciously as he imagines Sheena's shock when she discovers which Edward she's running out to. An elevator opens and he stops to turn around to see who it is.

Lo and behold, the Elric brothers step out into the lobby, one with an expression of clear irritation while the other one is indecipherable due to the armor. The oldest brother carps, "Damn Mustang has the worst timing ever. And who said the hotel could go pack our things for us? It's a breach of privacy! Where are our suitcases?"

Genis glances around and spots two suitcases sitting next to the opposite couch. He gets up and moves over to them to point them out. "Are these your suitcases?"

Edward Elric moves over to the suitcases and checks the tags. ". . . Yeah, these are it. Thanks, kid."

"No problem." Then Genis starts chuckling. "Heheheheh! This is too good!"

Edward looks at the boy as if he were crazy. "What are you talking about?"

Drunk in his amusement, Genis explains, "I just sent one of your fans out to meet Edward Cullen after making her think it's you! Now when she realizes that she's got the wrong Edward, the two of you will leave just when she tries to fight her way out of that hoard of fangirls!"

Edward remarks, "You just added a new definition of brat."

Al looks at Edward then back to Genis. "But Ed doesn't look anything like that vampire person. How could you trick someone into making that kind of mistake?"

Genis shrugs. "Sheena just didn't ask the right questions. She didn't ask if this Edward sparkles like a fairy."

"No kidding. Cullen sparkles more than Armstrong does on a good day," Edward comments.

Genis continues, "Sheena also didn't ask if this Edward is a pipsqueak with two metal limbs—"

Edward catches Genis in a headlock and starts grinding the boy's scalp with his knuckles.

"PIPSQUEAK? LIKE YOU CAN TALK, MR. GROWS-ONLY-ONE-SIXTEENTH-OF-AN-INCH-WHEN-HITTING-PUBERTY! DON'T FORGET THAT NOT ONLY AM I TALLER THAN YOU BUT I CAN KICK YOUR PUNY ASS WITH ALCHEMY FASTER THAN YOU CAN CAST ONE SPELL!"

"OW OW OW!"

"B-big brother! Stop! You're going to scalp him like that!"

* * *

Genis really does only grow one-sixteenth of an inch, as stated in Dawn of the New World in a skit between Raine and Genis.

Yes, Genis is shorter than Edward. I know it's hard to imagine but Edward is 4'11'' then reaches around 5'5'' with the boots and hair (antenna) added while Genis is around 4'8''.

The difference between Cullen's sparkling and Armstrong's sparkling is that Cullen sparkles (with white sparkles too) and has his masculinity questioned while Armstrong sparkles _rainbows_ and has his masculinity _confirmed_. Isn't life wonderful?

Who says Sheena can't be Team Edward Elric? Edward Elric is awesome! (i need to get back in touch with my inner FMA fangirl)

Also, on FMA, don't make me decide between Edward and Roy. I'm in eternal conflict between them. (they're just so awesome!)


	307. Meeting Between Two Immortals

Be warned. There will be a lot of rambling after this skit.

Anyway, this is a little joke I found on the internet that I decided to share with you (if you get it). I put a little twist to make it fit ToS.

* * *

"Are you sure it's safe to stay at this inn?" Lloyd asks Kratos, the moon shinning down upon them. "I mean, with the rumors about this town having . . ."

"Don't worry," Kratos reassures as they approach the town's inn. "I did some investigating and discovered that the situation is recently remedied."

Lloyd wonders with concern, "How can you be so sure?"

". . . Kratos. It has been a while."

Lloyd jumps and whirls around while Kratos steps between Lloyd and the newcomer, however, Kratos doesn't even touch his sword or shows any hints of defensiveness. Facing the red-clad dark man with his eyes covered with iron-rimmed sunglasses, Kratos bows his head in greeting, keeping himself calm. "Alucard. As you said, it has been a long time since we last met."

Lloyd questions, "Kratos, who is this? How do you know him?"

The stranger, Alucard, gestures at Kratos with one hand. "You just walked into the village, I see. You can rest easy tonight. Nothing will come at you while you sleep."

"I am indeed very grateful for that." Kratos begins to push Lloyd towards the inn. "Now, if you will excuse me, we need our sleep."

Lloyd goes, "But Kratos, aren't you guys friends? You seem to know each other."

"I wouldn't call us 'friends,'" Kratos replies, some tenseness in his voice. "Let's go, Lloyd. We cannot keep Alucard here when I am sure his master Sir Helsing is waiting for him."

Alucard smirks. "Are you trying to enact your parental duties upon the boy? Give it up, Kratos—the boy has grown up without you! You are doing nothing but chasing after smoke."

Kratos pauses and stares down at Alucard. ". . . Perhaps." Then Kratos mentions, "By the way, during recent travels I came upon another vampire by the name of 'Alucard.'"

Alucard snorts, "Tch. Imposter."

"His account _is_ rather questionable," Kratos comments. "After all, there can only be one son of Dracula."

"S-son?" Alucard chokes. "S-s . . . of . . ."

Kratos pushes Lloyd into the inn. "Let's leave Alucard to his thoughts, Lloyd."

"S-son . . . I don't . . . S-s-s . . ."

* * *

Just a little something for Hellsing and Castlevania fans. As for the Hellsing Alucard, this is dependent on a spoiler that, if you read the manga (or watched the anime), is pretty obvious. (spoilers ahead so if you care, just skip the rest of this paragraph) For one, there are blink-and-you-miss-it flashbacks that show the ending to Bram Stocker's Dracula that Alucard experiences, allusions to Vlad the Impaler, and . . . well . . . just LOOK at Alucard's name! If you have heard of a certain old vampire movie, then this would be spoiled in an instant.

. . . I think I just put out a spoiler that's supposed to be from late in the Hellsing series.

Oh, and if Alucard ever met Edward Cullen, Alucard would die . . . . . . from laughter lol.

Alucard: died from laughing at Edward Cullen's sparkles. May he rest in peace.

Speaking of Hellsing and Twilight, while I was looking around deviantART, I found a little fanfic crossover between the two. I only read one chapter, thinking it was some sort of parody or Twilight bashing, and figured out that it wasn't. From reading one chapter (and not the first one), I found out that the plot is that Jasper did something that Sir Helsing thought worthy to send Alucard in to punish him for (hahahahah!) and after discovering that Jasper is a part of Carlisle's coven Alucard decided to ease up on Jasper's punishment for Carlisle's sake since apparently they were once best buddies in the past. Lots of character derailment on Alucard's case and only Esme acted appropriately (she wanted Alucard OUT of her home since she could sense the danger Alucard potentially poses). Oh, and Jasper's punishment in the end? Alucard did something to him that inspires sick yaoi fantasies. Yeah. Total derailment, especially since Alucard typically doesn't care and follows Sir Helsing's orders religiously. Oh, and the punctuation mistakes were horrible and obvious.

Just thought I'd vent that by letting all of you suffer with me. Aren't I wonderful~?


	308. A New Resolution

Okay, so the last skit wasn't necessarily that great. Here's a more classical Protesting skit. this one's been in the works for a little bit but I haven't been able to push myself into writing it.

* * *

Anna sits on the grass outside her home, cooing at the baby boy in her arms with utmost love and adoration. During these moments, life seems like paradise despite the grave dangers posed against her new family. At least now she has a moment alone with her child with Kratos gone to run some errands. She rarely gets a chance to hold Lloyd for more than ten minutes due to Kratos' never ending fascination with their son; not that Kratos' love for his son is a bad thing, but Anna wants her time with Lloyd.

"Hey."

Recognizing the voice, Anna looks to the side at the newcomer with narrowing eyes. "Marigold. It's been a long time since you last showed your face. What's the occasion?"

Marigold, her expression accepting and neutral, sits down next to Anna. She takes a deep breath and says, "Well, yes, it's been a long time. The entire club was shaken when they finally realized that Kratos was staying with you no matter what. I had to step down from my position."

"Sorry about that," Anna says without a single trace of remorse.

Marigold smiles at Anna, a gleam of satisfaction glinting in her eyes. "No you're not, but you will be once you realize that I was the one keeping the crazy fans in our club from reaching you and Kratos." Then Marigold continues, "Anyway, after I resigned, I did a lot of thinking . . . and I figured out . . . that if Kratos is happy with you then . . . then . . . that's fine with me too."

Anna stares at Marigold with suspicion and disbelief. ". . . Are you serious? This isn't some sort of trick, is it?"

Marigold shakes her head. "No! It's not. I really do love Kratos, and so, I want him to be happy. Also . . ." Marigold adds, "I'm not a home wrecker and never will be. I won't let myself become something like that."

Anna eases off. "Oh . . . I . . . suppose I misjudged you. Uhh, thank you."

"Oh, you didn't misjudge me before," Marigold chortles. "I was vain and jealous back then. It was only after I realized how jealous I was acting that I was able to step aside and stop being a pest. Though, this resolution cost me my club membership since I couldn't stand being around other people who couldn't see how happy Kratos is with you. I finally had enough when I found a few other members hating Lloyd for simply being you and Kratos' son with emphasis on you."

Anna shifts her weight. ". . . I don't know what to say."

"Just know that I won't try to get between you and Kratos."

Anna sighs, "Well, that's certainly a relief."

"However . . ."

Marigold reaches over and takes the baby from Anna's arms and cradles him lovingly. "Hi, Lloyd~! I'm Marigold. I'm gonna be your _cool aunt_~! I'm going to buy you _loud toys_ and hype you on _sugar_ and send you back to your parents so they can deal with you after that~!"

Anna groans as she digs her face into her hands.


	309. Tales of Symphonia in a Nutshell Part 1

This is just something random I thought of at the spur of the moment.

By the way, I decided to use script format since I've never used script format before and would like a little practice. Not to mention, the setting is so general in this sort of thing that this is better as a video clip than as a written skit.

**

* * *

Act 1**

**Scene 12**

[LLOYD, COLETTE, GENIS, RAINE and KRATOS walking around at some place in Sylvarant.]

LLOYD: Oh, hey, we're going to the next temple to release the next seal so Colette can become an angel and save the world!

COLETTE: Even though something bad happens to my body after I released a seal, I'm going to continue being chirpy as if nothing happened!

GENIS: I want to get into an epic fight right now so we can all see Kratos kick ass some more! You know, it was really convenient that Kratos swooped in right when the Renega—er, I mean, the Desians attacked the Martel Temple and were about to kill us.

RAINE: Yes. Almost . . . too convenient . . .

KRATOS: Raine, your suspicions are nothing more than speculations. It was all a coincidence despite the fact that I'm too mysterious for nothing in the plot to be connected to me.

LLOYD: Hey, Kratos, since I'm jealous of you and want to be as awesome as you, will you teach me how to be badass?

KRATOS: Sure and I may even develop a father-son bond with you that definitely does not foreshadow any connections between us—but I'm going to be a douche about it throughout the entire game.

LLOYD: Damn it!

[a voice calls out]

OFF-SET VOICE: STOP!

[A ninja in a skimpy kimono appears in front of the group.]

GENIS: Oh no! It's the assassin who will soon become one of our closest friends and Lloyd's other canon romantic choice!

COLETTE: Despite the two attempts on my life during the entire game, I'm going to totally trust you and try to be your friend!

RAINE: Colette, do you realize how stupid and dangerous that is?

LLOYD: I'm going to be her friend too! Let's all be friends!

RAINE: Lloyd! Kratos, help!

KRATOS: I'm going to stand here all stoic-like and say nothing.

RAINE: When are you ever useful?

KRATOS: During battle, I still kick ass.

RAINE: Oh, that's right . . .

**Act 1**

**Scene 43**

[Somewhere in the Asgard Human Ranch.]

LLOYD: We have to destroy this ranch just like the one we exploded in Palmacosta, possibly killing hundreds of Desian lives! We'll do it for the sake of rescuing a village we might not have even been in before if the player just whirls through the plot instead of exploring around for side quests!

GENIS: By the way, is Sheena our friend yet?

SHEENA: I don't know but definitely I will after the first part of attacking this ranch.

KVAR: [comes out of nowhere] BOO!

LLOYD: Oh my goddess!

KVAR: I killed Anna, your mother and Kratos' wife!

KRATOS: [gasps] You killed Anna!

LLOYD: You bastard!

KVAR: In the meantime, I give foreshadowing about your connections to Kratos by simply knowing him!

KRATOS: This will now be my "This! Is! SPARTA!" and "Punctuated Slashing" moment with high fangasmic degrees of awesome. [takes sword and slashes Kvar open] Feel the pain! Of those inferior beings! As you burn in hell!

[KVAR falls over and dies.]

LLOYD: Yay! I avenged my mom even though Kratos struck the last blow!

COLETTE: Oh no! I was injured by Kvar while protecting Lloyd from Kvar! And I can't feel pain!

LLOYD: Colette, I gotta tell everyone now! Everyone, Colette can't taste, feel hot or cold or pain, or even sleep anymore! It's all because she's becoming an angel and we were all too stupid or not paying attention enough to figure it out before!

GENIS: Lloyd! You should've told us earlier! What if it wasn't because she was turning into an angel? What if there was something medically wrong with her?

LLOYD: Oh. My bad.

RAINE: By the way, I pressed the self-destruct button. We need to leave now.

SHEENA: But we haven't even evacuated the captives yet!

RAINE: Then we had better hurry since I set the timer for ten minutes.

[8-bit explosion occurs and leaves the ranch in ruins.]

LLOYD: By the way, Kratos, are we BFFs now? We've done a lot of bonding lately.

KRATOS: As much as I would love to since I'm the "Absurdly Youthful Father," I'm still going to act like a douche since I'm still in the "Aloof Big Brother" role despite not being your brother.

LLOYD: Damn it!

**Act 1**

**Scene 59**

[The group appears at the Tower of Salvation after KRATOS reveals his true nature.]

LLOYD: Noooooo! Kratos! How could you?

KRATOS: I told you: I'm a douche.

RAINE: So Remiel was one of your underlings while you serve Yggdrasill and had plotted to betray us all this time! [turns to the others] This would be my "I told you so" moment.

LLOYD: Who the hell is Remiel?

GENIS: Remiel is the bleeding corpse that looks like an angel lying right in front of you! You just killed him ten seconds ago!

LLOYD: Oh, I forgot about him. He's just not the kind of villain who you'd remember. Now, Sephiroth? That's a memorable villain!

YGGDRASILL: [appears suddenly] Shut up and die.

LLOYD: Nooooooo! Kratos, save me!

KRATOS: I'm sorry, Lloyd, but I'm split between the thing I've been doing for four thousand years and my love for my son. I'm so conflicted that I can't do anything right now.

LLOYD: Damn it!

KRATOS: But don't worry, in a few moments, the Renegades will save all of you and you will wake up at their base.

LLOYD: How can I know that for sure? I mean, this could be the end of the game!

KRATOS: It isn't since the only required battle is the one against Remial. It's guaranteed that you will be saved by the Renegades before we can kill you.

LLOYD: Remial? Who's Remial?

KRATOS: But the Renegades will turn out to be your enemies and want to use you for malicious reasons.

LLOYD: Damn it!

* * *

If there is anything serious about this then I'm a dog.

The reason why I couldn't put the entire ToS plot into one skit is because there are so many segments to the entire plot. It's so huge that it could be a series of books if it were a book instead of a game.


	310. Tales of Symphonia in a Nutshell Part 2

**Act 2**

**Scene 2**

[Inside the Triet Renegade Base, our heroes meet the leader of the Renegades YUAN.]

YUAN: After this long discussion of summarizing everything that you found out just five seconds ago, I want you to become our allies.

LLOYD: Okay, but what could we do?

YUAN: Oh you'll find out! Ambush him!

SHEENA: I choose you! Corrine!

CORRINE: Corrine!

YUAN: Quick! What does the Spiritdex say?

BOTTA: [pulls out a flat, square handheld object]

SPIRITDEX: Corrine: the Gerbil Spiritmon. This Spiritmon is among the ranks of pseudo-legendaries and will rip off a piece of its opponent's ass for a raw bloody meal whenever threatened.

SHEENA: Corrine, use Bite!

CORRINE: Corrine! [CORRINE charges at the three Renegade soldiers. The soldiers scream in terror as CORRINE rips their buttocks apart.]

SHEENA: Quick! Let's get out of here before they find out Corrine's weakness!

[The entire group escapes into a hanger.]

SHEENA: We have to hijack these rheiards so we can escape into Tethe'alla then we can turn Colette back to normal!

GENIS: Anything so she'll stop staring at us with those red eyes! It's nightmare fuel!

LLOYD: Yay! Grand Theft Aero!

**Act 2**

**Scene 4**

[Somewhere in Meltokio]

ZELOS: Hey, I'm Zelos Wilder, professional womanizer despite the fact I can't even score with Sheena or Raine. [motions towards PRESEA] And this is Presea, whose vacant eyes will give you additional nightmare fuel if Colette wasn't enough.

GENIS: [stares at PRESEA] Huh-muh-nuh huh-muh-nuh huh-muh-nuh huh-muh-nuh . . .

LLOYD: Yay! A cool best buddy with an upbeat attitude!

ZELOS: Yep! That's me!

LLOYD: We might even have a Flanoir scene together, you're so cool!

ZELOS: Whoa-whoa-wee-wah! A Flanoir scene? Are you high or something? I'm the hardest to get a Flanoir scene with! In order to get me to like you more than anyone else, you'll have to either play the game over about twenty times or be purposely mean to everyone else while being nice to only me!

LLOYD: What? Kratos was easier to please than you! And he's Sir Stoic and Mr. Traitor!

ZELOS: They fix this little problem in the PS2 version, though . . .

LLOYD: Yes!

ZELOS: But they only released that one in Japan.

LLOYD: Damn it!

**Act 2**

**Scene 15**

LLOYD: [holds up a necklace] Colette, here's the ridiculously belated birthday present I promised to give you at the very beginning of the game. It has a key crest on it so you should turn back to normal and the nightmares will stop.

[LLOYD puts the necklace on COLETTE. Nothing happens.]

LLOYD: . . . Looks like I'll be having that Colette-the-ax-murderer nightmare again tonight.

RAINE: Perhaps we should leave for Sylvarant and see Dirk the dwarf who so happens to also be Lloyd's adopted father.

ZELOS: Whoa-whoa-wee-wah! I can't let you do that! I'll get in trouble with the Papal Knights who are listening in on our conversation!

LLOYD: I don't see them around to hear us.

ZELOS: They're hiding behind the potted plants to your left!

LLOYD: Still don't see them. Come with us so you'll be "keeping tabs on us."

ZELOS: They're right there! Colette is staring at them!

LLOYD: Come with us, Zelos.

ZELOS: They're listening to our every word!

LLOYD: Then we'll take you hostage and have no choice but to come with us to Sylvarant.

ZELOS: [sighs] Then I guess I have no choice but to go to Sylvarant . . .

[All PAPAL KNIGHTs come out from behind the small potted flowers and surround the group.]

PAPAL KNIGHT #1: I knew it! You're all under arrest!

ZELOS: [to LLOYD] I told you so, asshole . . .

PAPAL KNIGHT #2: [talking about GENIS and RAINE] Hey, these two are half-elves!

LLOYD: What? Impossible! You guys told me you were elves!

RAINE: That was a lie so we could keep our real identity a secret.

GENIS: You see, Lloyd . . . we're . . . we're really top secret half-elf agents from the future. We want to make this world a better place for half-elves by influencing your journey.

LLOYD: What do I have to do with anything?

RAINE: Lloyd, you are an important (albeit stupid) historical figure for our time. If we could become influential half-elves during your time then we could give half-elves equal rights and liberties for the future.

PAPAL KNIGHT #3: Take them away to be mercilessly executed!

RAINE: It looks like we failed, Genis . . .

GENIS: Yes, sis . . . Goodbye, Lloyd . . . and . . . good luck . . .

LLOYD: Noooooooo!

[SHEENA appears out of nowhere and releases everyone from the Papal Knights and attacks all PAPAL KNIGHTs]

SHEENA: Super special awesome rescue!

[All PAPAL KNIGHTs fall to the ground.]

RAINE: We're free!

GENIS: We aren't going to die!

LLOYD: Yay! Now we can be best and honest friends! I promise I'll make sure half-elves get equal rights for the future!

GENIS: Yeah . . . About that . . . We lied.

LLOYD: What?

RAINE: Lloyd, how many times have I told you that you are a gullible idiot?

LLOYD: Damn it!

**Act 2**

**Scene 21**

[At the summit of the Fooji Mountains.]

ZELOS: Hey, guys! Let's walk into this obvious trap that I'm leading you into!

LLOYD: Okay!

[Everyone walks into the trap.]

LLOYD: No! How could we be fooled!

YUAN: [shows up] I'm going to kidnap you, Lloyd, and there's nothing you can do about it!

[PRONYMA suddenly appears.]

PRONYMA: I'm here to interfere even though I'm not really going to interfere. I'll keep quiet about you and all the Renegades crawling around the mountain if you hand over Colette.

YUAN: Fine, she's all yours, gaudy slut.

LLOYD: Colette! Please don't go!

COLETTE: [turns back to normal] Okay!

LLOYD: Huh? Colette? You're back to normal!

COLETTE: Of course! All you had to do was say please!

[YUAN moves over to PRONYMA and stares into her eyes with a determined look.]

YUAN: [waves his hand in front of PRONYMA's eyes] You did not see me here . . .

PRONYMA: [mimics in a monotone voice] I did not see you here . . .

[KRATOS appears and watches the scene.]

YUAN: [waves hand again] There were no Renegades . . .

PRONYMA: There were no Renegades . . .

YUAN: [waves hand again] This incident did not happen . . .

PRONYMA: This incident did not happen . . .

YUAN: [waves hand again] You will return to Derris Kharlan . . .

PRONYMA: I will return to Derris Kharlan . . .

[YUAN turns around to find KRATOS behind him.]

KRATOS: Don't even think about it. That trick won't work on me.

YUAN: Are you here for the Chosen?

KRATOS: I am here to retrieve Pronyma and tell you that Lord Yggdrasill has summoned you. Why would I be here for the Chosen when she isn't even here?

[YUAN turns around to find that the entire group went missing.]

YUAN: Damn it!

* * *

Me: *sighs*

Zelos: What's got you so down?

Me: Nothing, really. I just wish that I could come across fan art of Protesting or Confessions. The ones who do get fan art are soooo lucky . . .

Zelos: Happy, being popular or getting fan art doesn't mean a fic is a good fic.

Me: Oh really?

Zelos: Two words: My Immortal.

Me: . . . Hmmmm . . . That actually sounds . . . good . . .

Zelos: Wait . . . You're not thinking about doing some sort of parody of that, are you?

Me: :D

Zelos: NO! PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!

Me: Of course I'm not going to do it now, but be prepared to meet your "goffik" self one day!

Zelos: NOOOOOO! YOU HORRIBLE MONSTER! DON'T DO THIS TO ME! NOOOOOOOOOO!


	311. Tales of Symphonia in a Nutshell Part 3

I now have a page limit for the nutshell skit series since they can potentially get really long from here on out. So this might actually get to ten parts or something due to how short they have to be in order to keep up with short attention spans.

Warning to Colette haters: You may like her during this skit.

* * *

**Act 3**

**Scene 4**

[Meltokio sewers while the writer gets lazy in describing the setting.]

LLOYD: Gee, I hope we don't get ambushed by thugs while we sneak into a city that labels us as wanted criminals.

[Three THUGs jump out of nowhere.]

THUG 1: Boo!

THUG 2: We're gonna kill ya!

THUG 3: Pray for quick deaths.

LLOYD: Zelos, your super secret shortcut fails!

ZELOS: Well, gee, like we couldn't figure it out before that the Pope would put some sort of security down here, considering that this is the only way in that doesn't have a guarded gate.

[A blue-haired convict appears out of nowhere and stomps on ZELOS' back. ZELOS goes down on the floor and can't get back up.]

ZELOS: Ugh! No! Nasty! My face is pinned against sewer floor! Yuck!

REGAL: Move and the Chosen dies.

ZELOS: This is disgusting! Does anyone know what kind of things were ON this floor? I think I'm gonna puke . . . !

LLOYD: If we move then Zelos dies? Can we even breathe since that's technically moving?

REGAL: Yes, you can breathe.

LLOYD: Can we even talk?

REGAL: Yes, you can talk.

LLOYD: Can we shift from one foot to another?

REGAL: Yes, you can shift between your feet.

LLOYD: Can we scratch our butts if they itch?

REGAL: No.

LLOYD: But what if it really itches?

REGAL: No excuses. I draw the line at scratching yourselves. If you so much as move your hand towards your rear end then the Chosen dies.

ZELOS: Don't scratch your ass, Lloyd!

[LLOYD brings his hand close to his butt.]

ZELOS: I SAID DON'T SCRATCH YOUR ASS!

LLOYD: But it itches! Like, _really badly!_

GENIS: Scratch your ass, Lloyd! Scratch your ass!

[PRESEA moves closer to REGAL.]

GENIS: Presea, what are you doing?

PRESEA: Fulfilling my role as Deus ex Machina, and thus saving one of our own party members.

GENIS: But Zelos is gonna die towards the end of this game anyway!

REGAL: [gasp] You look just like Alicia, your sister and my dead lover, except with less moe and more nightmare fuel!

[In his shock, REGAL releases ZELOS. ZELOS gets up and glomps LLOYD.]

ZELOS: Phew!

LLOYD: Zelos, get off! This is slash fic material!

ZELOS: I was about to die! I deserve some love for compensation!

LLOYD: That's not what I meant! Zelos, your hand is grabbing my ass!

ZELOS: Sorry, it does that. I have the same disorders that Duke Devlin has. Speaking of which . . . [ZELOS turns to SHEENA.] When this is over, I need you to take off your shirt and press yourself against me. Like Devlin, if I don't have half-naked chicks pressing themselves against me at regular intervals, I die.

SHEENA: Only Duke Devlin is worthy of everyone, including me. You'll have to find someone else.

REGAL: [To the THUGs] Let's retreat so I can angst!

[The three THUGs and REGAL disappear from the scene.]

RAINE: We have just met another future party member.

GENIS: Why do you say that?

RAINE: Isn't it obvious? This character has a different design than everyone else and has the appropriate angst level to be a main character.

COLETTE: But I don't have any level of angst. I'm too cheery to angst.

RAINE: I'm afraid that's because you're the stereotypical cheerful purity canon sue.

**Act 3**

**Scene 5**

[In Meltokio.]

LLOYD: Okay, we got the AC—

RAINE: EC.

LLOYD: EC taken care of with a potential traitor ninja going to handle it, leaving room for Kuchinawa to sabotage our transportation equipment and possibly kill us through that, we need a place to stay for the night.

ZELOS: How about my mansion?

SHEENA: What's the point of that?

ZELOS: The game developers want to show off just how filthy rich I am!

GENIS: I'm all for that!

RAINE: That seems unusual for you, Genis. Why the sudden change of heart?

GENIS: Oh, don't worry, Raine. This isn't OOC at all! This is a chance for me to steal all of Zelos' prized possessions and sell them on Ebay! Black market for the win!

COLETTE: Wait, Genis! You can't do that!

GENIS: Why not?

COLETTE: Because you're not a professional thief! You don't know much about stealing things so let me help!

GENIS: You help me steal from someone? That seems really OOC.

COLETTE: Are you kidding me? One of my attacks is called Item Thief where I steal items from monsters and I have a title called Little Pickpocket. It's totally in-character!

GENIS: Yay! I can relate to you! Now let's rob Zelos blind!

**Act 3**

**Scene 13**

[Grand Tethe'alla Bridge.]

SHEENA: Thanks for helping us, Kuchinawa. I'm going to trust you and stay loyal to you even though you're going to try to kill all of us and put our lives in danger.

KUCHINAWA: Thank you, Sheena. I'll be sure to give you a quick death to avenge my parents even though it was Volt who killed my parents and I shouldn't put the blame on someone who was nine years old when my parents died. Here, have this item.

SHEENA: Thank you, Kuchinawa. I'll put this under my pillow when I sleep.

KUCHINAWA: Do you like it? It's a tracking device disguised as a protection charm. I'm going to either tell the Papal Knights were you are using that or teach the Papal Knights how to track a guardian signature, thus potentially putting Mizuho in danger since you'll eventually enter Mizuho without knowing that you're leading the Papal Knights right to our beloved village. Actually, I'm surprised that the Papal Knights haven't found Mizuho during the entire game even though they found you in the most random places.

SHEENA: This is romantic enough for some people to think that we have the potential to be soul mates in the distant future!

ZELOS: Why am I attracted to Sheena the bimbo again? Oh yeah, for her giant, physically impossible, anime boobs. Her puny brain has nothing to do with that. Excuse me while I bang my head against a nearby wall . . .

**Act 3**

**Scene 28**

[Sybak laboratory with the trapped half-elves and KATE.]

LLOYD: Tell us everything about Presea's nightmare fuel worthy state.

KATE: I'm going to repeat everything you would have already figured out by now through me earlier when you were arrested and also from what Kvar told you.

LLOYD: This is all tragic!

KATE: Now you must rescue Presea.

LLOYD: Wait, what? _Rescue?_ But I already went on a quest to save Colette! How many damsels-in-distress do we have?

RAINE: Well, every woman in the party becomes a damsel-in-distress at least once during the game, including Sheena and me. The men, in the meantime, don't get such scenes.

SHEENA: Pretty sexist, but no one's complaining.

LLOYD: Well, if it'll get Presea to stop being so creepy then I'm up for it.

KATE: I'm afraid she may still appear creepy simply because of her character design.

LLOYD: Damn it! Nothing goes my way!

* * *

Everything big I have against Kuchinawa is stated in this skit. Lots of problems with Kuchinawa's plans if he wants to target only Sheena and her companions especially since he's helping the Papal Knights track her down and kill her since, eventually, the Papal Knights will figure out just where Mizuho is via guardian signature.

The Duke Devlin thing is more of an inside joke to those who are Little Kuriboh Yu-Gi-Oh Abridge Series followers/fans/slaves/b*tches.

Yes, Presea still looks creepy even after she regains her soul.


	312. Tales of Symphonia in a Nutshell Part 4

Meh, this one's alright. It's not all that funny since it deals with more serious issues in the story and it's hard to make fun of those. As a matter of fact, one scene isn't even funny at all. It's just to move the plot along.

By the way, does anyone like my new profile pic? :D

* * *

**Act 4**

**Scene 4**

[Edge of the Forbidden Forest on a path to Ozette]

[Correction: Edge of the Gaoracchia Forest on a path to Ozette]

LLOYD: Okay, we're beaten down after those Papal Knights, that Sword Dancer, and various wildlife. We need to get to an inn before we get killed. Sheena, where's Ozette?

SHEENA: Just this way. Let's go!

CORRINE: Corrine!

SHEENA: What's that, Corrine? You say there are soldiers headed this way from Ozette? Oh, no! We're trapped unless we head to the secret ninja village I'm from!

LLOYD: Then let's go already!

[REGAL jumps out from the shadows]

REGAL: I'm here to join you because—

LLOYD: Ah! Monster!

REGAL: Wait, no! I'm not a—AAHHH!

[In a bloody scene, LLOYD kills REGAL. LLOYD pants after the exertion.]

RAINE: Lloyd, you idiot! You just killed a new member of our group!

LLOYD: I thought he was a monster! It's too dark in this forest of death to really tell! [LLOYD kneels by REGAL's side.] Don't worry, Regal! I'll bring you back! All I have to do is get four tissues from the Battle Arena, have Professor Raine level up her Master Revive material to a fourth level, going to your jail cell and placing the tissues on your metal bed for a brief scene, go to Alicia's grave with Sheena in the party where your ghost will appear, then come back here where I killed you for another cut scene with your ghost, and then go back to Alicia's grave where you'll be lying there dead to bring you back to life for a tearful reunion!

RAINE: Aside from the fact that method is completely bogus, we can still use in-game methods to bring him back considering that he's an important member of the plot who is never supposed to die. Since I ran out of mana earlier in this dungeon and we're out of gels, someone give me a life bottle.

ZELOS: Sorry, beautiful Raine, but I used that last one to revive Colette.

COLETTE: I'm not super powerful yet. Sorry.

RAINE: [pulls out a bottle with a red light trapped inside] No matter, I still have this fairy from Legend of Zelda trapped in a bottle.

FAIRY: Eeeeek!

[RAINE opens the bottle and the fairy flees with a loud shriek. Everyone leaps up to catch it but the fairy gets away.]

RAINE: [sighs] Give me a damn phoenix down. Regal will _not_ suffer Aerith's fate simply because one of us was too stupid to recognize a human silhouette from a monster silhouette!

[RAINE is handed a phoenix down and brings REGAL back to life. REGAL groans and stirs but doesn't wake up.]

RAINE: Now let's get out of here and head for the mandatory Japanese culture stand-in village before the Papal Knights get here. Colette, you carry Regal since you were the one who used the last life bottle.

**Act 4**

**Scene 8**

LLOYD: Wow! Mizuho is so different from the rest of Tethe'alla!

SHEENA: That's because the rest of the game is based off western cultures, mainly European and American, while this is the Japanese representative of the game. I guess Triet could represent the Middle East but they don't have a lot of plot importance in the canon.

RAINE: Fascinating! Mizuho's culture is just . . . just . . . Ahh! I must be dead, because this is an anthropologist's heaven!

COLETTE: But all the things Zelos told us about Mizuho don't seem to be true. That's disappointing . . .

SHEENA: Colette, you gotta take everything Zelos says with a grain of salt. [pause] Alright, a pound of salt. [pause] You know what, scratch that, the way you can tell if Zelos is lying is if his mouth is moving.

ZELOS: Then how can I tell you that you're about to be killed by a monster if you won't believe me before you're killed?

SHEENA: Anyway, Lloyd, I was really impressed with your speech with the Vice Chief.

REGAL: I must agree. It was very idealistic and moving.

ZELOS: Makes anyone want to side with you.

LLOYD: Oh really? That's great! Cause, actually, I winged it all. I didn't really mean everything I said.

SHEENA: You winged it? I can't believe it!

REGAL: Indeed . . . Quite disappointing.

ZELOS: I take back what I said about wanting to side with you.

LLOYD: Awww, come on, guys!

**Act 4**

**Scene 16**

[At PRESEA's house.]

LLOYD: Guys, I got this bad feeling like I'm about to see something that will haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life. Can I sit this one out?

SHEENA: Not after winging that speech to the Vice Chief! Go in, Lloyd.

LLOYD: O-okay . . .

[LLOYD enters the house. There is a moment of silence before LLOYD comes back out screaming and choking.]

LLOYD: AAAHHHH! Her dad is just . . . just . . . ! [throws up and sobs] This will haunt me for the rest of my life . . . !

REGAL: We need to get Presea a key crest right away. We cannot allow this state of affairs to continue.

LLOYD: I could've told you that! I was the one who saw what happened to her dad!

RAINE: The people of this village informed us that there is a dwarf who lives here named Altessa. Perhaps he could provide Presea a key crest.

**Act 4**

**Scene 17**

[ALTESSA's house.]

LLOYD: Hello? Any dwarf here who can cure nightmare fuel and emotionless symptoms brought on by the Angelus Project?

TABITHA: Master Altessa is down at his workbench and cannot answer your call. Please leave a message at the beep. [TABITHA beeps]

LLOYD: Yeah, hi, I'm Lloyd Irving and I'm calling in regards to Presea. She needs a key crest, like, ASAP before she dies, so I'm wondering if you could get that for her. Call me back when you can.

[LLOYD leaves and then comes back after a few hours.]

LLOYD: Um, hey, Tabitha, is Altessa going to come meet with me? Did he at least get my message?

TABITHA: Master Altessa is down at his workbench and cannot answer your call. Please leave a message at the beep. [TABITHA beeps]

LLOYD: [sigh] I don't know if you got my message last time so I'm calling again. Presea really needs that key crest or she'll die without even realizing what happened to her. It would mean a lot to all of us if you would make this key crest. If you can give me a call sometime then please do so as soon as you can.

[LLOYD leaves again and comes back the next day.]

LLOYD: Is Altessa—

TABITHA: Master Altessa is unable to answer any calls concerning Presea. If your business concerns Presea, then he wishes you to leave. Please leave a message after the beep. [TABITHA beeps]

LLOYD: Unable, my ass! I don't care if you're the reason why Presea is in this miserable and cruel state! You can have the decency to help her out of the fix you caused by giving her a key crest! It's the least you can do! Thank you, and go f**k yourself!

TABITHA: Speaking for myself, if I may, I suggest you go to the Toize Valley Mine where the Lezoreno Company mines inhibitor ore, the ore required to create key crests. In the meantime, I will attempt to persuade Master Altessa.

LLOYD: [startled by TABITHA's independent speaking] Oh! Uhhh, that's really cool of you! Thanks! Glad the trip here wasn't a total waste. I'll come back later, and, uh, you don't have to tell him that I told him to go f**k himself.

TABITHA: Thank you. I appreciate that.

**Act 4**

**Scene 27**

[Toize Valley Mine]

GNOMELETTE: . . . and I want a kiss from that hot chick in the purple and I want that redhead to shave his head bald and I want the red guy to give me a foot rub . . .

[The entire cast exchanges looks.]

GNOMELETTE: . . . and I want to live in a big mansion and I want that huge dragon in the Temple of Earth killed so I can have all of its treasure for myself and I want a hot tub so I can be there with all my gnomelette b*tches . . .

[Everyone but the GNOMELETTE just leaves.]

GNOMELETTE: . . . and I want to break into the Renegade's Flanoir base to destroy all their important documents and I want to blow a raspberry in Yggdrasill's face then call him a sore loser and I want to steal Kratos' sword so I can toss it in the ocean . . .

**Act 4**

**Scene 31**

[Toize Valley Mine]

LLOYD: Okay, I got the inhibitor ore and carved the charm onto it. She should return to her normal self after that, even if it takes forever like it did for Colette.

COLETTE: Just say please once you put it on her! Manners go a long way!

REGAL: Thank you for your efforts, Lloyd. You are giving Presea her life back.

LLOYD: What's the matter? You're acting as if you owe her some sort of grave debt.

REGAL: I'll be fine. I'm in a therapy group for people like me so I should get better.

[A fat white man with a Mohawk hairdo appears.]

FAT MAN: Ah! It's you!

REGAL: Vharley! I thought the Pope locked you away!

VHARLEY: Too bad, bucko! I'm a free b*tch, baby!

ZELOS: Ach! Not only does he have a hideous hairdo that he could never pull off in a million years but he also spews out lame references!

REGAL: The Pope and I had a deal! If he won't fulfill his end of the bargain then I will work against him! You will pay for what you did!

VHARLEY: Why so serious? I only shot Marvin in the face!

ZELOS: Dude! Shut up! Your references are either unrecognizable or outdated! It's not funny!

VHARLEY: Barges? We don't need no stinkin' barges!

ZELOS: That's it! You're a dead man!

REGAL: Zelos, let me do that.

VHARLEY: Time to fly! Don't forget: you're a filthy murderer!

[VHARLEY leaves in a rush.]

REGAL: . . . I suppose I have some explaining to do.

RAINE: Yes, you do.

LLOYD: No he doesn't. He killed someone when he didn't want to and is causing conflict that will be part of the plot. It's a-okay.

RAINE: Lloyd—

LLOYD: But are you going to be alright, Regal? You were locked up in a cell for who knows how long without anyone to council you or help you through therapy.

REGAL: I told you before. I am in a therapy group. If you doubt me then you can talk to Kratos Aurion and Vincent Valentine if you don't believe me.

LLOYD: Huh? Why would Kratos be in the same therapy group as you?

REGAL: . . . You don't know?

RAINE: This is Lloyd we are talking about, remember?

LLOYD: What? I don't get it.

GENIS: Just accept the fact that you're too dumb to figure out this spoiler for yourself.

LLOYD: Damn it, guys, this isn't funny!

* * *

. . . Yeah, this one sucks.


	313. Tales of Symphonia in a Nutshell Part 5

Take this whole skit with a grain of salt. Or maybe an entire salt shaker.

* * *

**Act 5**

**Scene 1**

[Presea's house after the funeral while Presea calms down from her father's death.]

LLOYD: Hey, Genis, how come we skipped the part where Rodyle ambushes us and kidnaps Colette while we save Presea?

GENIS: Because the writer is a lazy whiner who wanted to do something funny and yet can't manage it. So while we wait on Presea to calm down and the writer to think up something, let's play a game to pass the time.

LLOYD: Okay. What kind of game?

GENIS: A word game that even you can figure out. Here, I'll set it all up for you.

[GENIS takes out a sheet of paper and sets up the word game. He hands it to LLOYD along with a pencil.]

LLOYD: Hey, it's hangman! I remember playing this in class and not even bothering to participate! So many memories . . .

GENIS: Okay, it's a ten-letter word. I'll take it easy on you so don't think you'll end up losing the first few rounds.

LLOYD: Cool! I'm gonna guess . . . A.

GENIS: There are two As. One here and one here.

LLOYD: . . . B?

GENIS: No.

LLOYD: C?

GENIS: Two Cs and it's the first letter and then the second last letter.

LLOYD: D, F, G, H?

GENIS: No, no, no, and no.

LLOYD: I, J, K, L?

GENIS: Okay, it's just cheating now, but there's a J right here . . . and then a K here . . . and then an L here.

LLOYD: Okay! Looks like I'll win this one! . . . M? N?

GENIS: No, and then there's an N right there.

LLOYD: That leaves one more letter . . . Is it O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, or Z?

GENIS: No to all of that. Lloyd, you skipped a letter.

LLOYD: . . . Oh! Oh I see! That was an E! So the word is . . .

[GENIS pauses as he leans in to hear what Lloyd says.]

LLOYD: . . . Candlejack? Why the heck does that mea—

**Act 5**

**Scene 12**

[Hovering over Meltokio and staring at the hovering dragon nest to the east.]

RAINE: This . . . is the most illogical thing I have ever seen, except for the insane research failings of The Da Vinci Code.

SHEENA: I actually kind of like that book.

RAINE: [shouts] The Gnostic Gospels are NOT historically accurate nor reliable, Disney did NOT put secret messages concerning the Grail in his movies and had no hand in The Little Mermaid, and the person next to Jesus in the famous painting The Last Supper is John the Apostle and NOT Mary Magdalene.

SHEENA: Okay! Okay! Not like I believed any of it!

REGAL: I suppose this is what one gets when they simply do not do the research.

ZELOS: Where did Lloyd go, anyway? He was more desperate than all of us to go rescue Colette after all.

GENIS: Oooohhh . . . I don't know. He's probably busy. [starts whistling]

PRESEA: We need to rescue Colette.

**Act 5**

**Scene 13**

[On the nest.]

RODYLE: Guahahahahahah! I kidnapped Colette and you have all fallen into my trap! Now you shall be devoured by my pet—

GENIS: Oh, your dragons. Right. We killed them already while you were talking.

RODYLE: What?

ZELOS: You just took so long with your villain's speech that we just decided to take care of business since we already know what you're going to say anyway.

RODYLE: Wha . . . But . . . Out of everything I did you're supposed to have some sort of epic battle! For all you know, I could have molested your Chosen!

SHEENA: Our Chosen? You mean Zelos?

ZELOS: Eeeeewwww! That's squick and high octane nightmare fuel!

RODYLE: No, you fools! I mean Colette! I could have taken her virginity!

COLETTE: He didn't. He tried, but he ran out of the bedroom crying when I mocked him at how small he was. I was surprised it actually worked instead of backfiring on me and ending me up in a ditch. By the way, where's Lloyd?

GENIS: He's coming. He's just . . . a little tied up at the moment. Heheheheheh.

RODYLE: I'm just going to activate my trap. You can all go to hell. [presses a red switch in his hand and disappears]

[An ominous light appears around Colette and spreads towards everyone while threatening to engulf them.]

REGAL: What is this ominous light that threatens to engulf us?

SHEENA: What is this . . . ! You spout that line when you could just say "What is this light?" and still remain in-character? Wow! How mean can our writers get?

GENIS: Um, uhhhh . . . How do we solve this again?

PRESEA: I need to shatter her chains. Hold on, Colette! I will save you!

COLETTE: Oh, don't bother. I can just break the chains since I have superhuman strength. [breaks the chains and flies free] Let's go, guys!

GENIS: Yay for plot convenience! Now let's get out of here before we all die!

SHEENA: We . . . We can't.

GENIS: Why not?

RAINE: We jumped off our rheairds and let them fly off to crash into the ocean when we arrived at this dragon nest. We can't escape!

GENIS: . . . Then how are we going to live?

REGAL: Simple. Plot armor and fridge logic. It's our chance to live!

ZELOS: Which means we will either land on the ground or in the ocean. Either which way, this'll be a disaster.

GENIS: And that, Zelos, would be the understatement of the year.

[the nest collapses and the group fades out to find themselves just before the Temple of Earth]

GENIS: . . . Phew! That was convenient!

OFF-SET VOICE: Hey! Hey, guys! I'm . . . I'm back!

[LLOYD finally returns]

LLOYD: Okay, it took me forever to get free from that Candlejack guy but now I'm ready to . . . go save . . . Colette . . .

[there is a moment of silence as LLOYD stares at the rescued COLETTE while everyone stares back at LLOYD]

LLOYD: Damn it! I'm the main character! I'm not supposed to go missi—

* * *

Thank you for letting me finish this and edit it out, Candlejack. Think you could post it after I'm all tied up?

_No problem. I always post in place of the fools using the internet to say my name. It's a professional courtesy. However, with the chance of others saying my name because of this, it looks like I'm gonna need more rope._


	314. Tales of Symphonia in a Nutshell Part 6

This one's a little better. At least I updated.

Some jokes concerning Lloyd's disappearance are returns from the previous skit.**  
**

* * *

**Act 6**

**Scene 1**

[Somewhere in the middle of Tethe'alla.]

LLOYD: Okay, since I was kidnapped by that . . . Jack guy, how bout you guys bring me up to speed. I know we rescued Colette but what happened before.

SHEENA: Alright, we'll get you caught up in recent events.

GENIS: Anyone who wants to do this via meaningless flashback say I! I!

[No one else responds.]

GENIS: Okay! The I's have it!

ZELOS: No one said I!

[Flashback begins.]

**Act 6**

**Scene 13**

SHEENA: [sobs at her feet] No, no, no, no, no! Corrine, don't go! Please don't die!

CORRINE: Co . . . rrine . . .

SHEENA: Oh, Corrine! You always believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself! I'll never forget you, buddy!

CORRINE: Corrine, Co-Corrine rine . . . Co . . .

SHEENA: I know, Corrine. I'll see you in heaven one day too . . . [sobs even more]

PRESEA: This is so sad.

ZELOS: You're not even [sniff] crying . . . You have the same blank stare as usual . . .

PRESEA: But I am sad on the inside. Please don't be judgmental just because I do not express my emotions in the same manner as everyone else.

ZELOS: I'm sorry. [sniff] It's just that this is so emotionally charged and, for some reason, it works a lot more than most of the deaths in this game.

GENIS: Ehhh. I've seen worse.

ZELOS: [shouting] How could you not be in tears, you heartless fiend? At least Presea is expressing her emotions in her own way, unlike you who has no sympathy for Sheena's trauma!

GENIS: Oh no, I'm very sympathetic to Sheena and can understand some of her pain due to my own past, but I've seen scenes better handled by others. I've read books like The Lovely Bones and Marley & Me, so I'm pretty used to tragedy and have high standards on how people express death, our own video game creators included.

ZELOS: That's just cruel!

REGAL: Zelos, be quite. At least Genis was silent about this until you brought him in.

ZELOS: But he voluntarily offered the information!

SHEENA: Goodbye, Corrine . . . May you find peace in the Lifestream . . .

CORRINE: Corrine . . .

SHEENA: Oh, right, wrong game. I'll get it right one day, I promise.

CORRINE: Corr . . . [dissolves into bits of mana, much like the Lifestream in Final Fantasy VII]

SHEENA: [sniff]

RAINE: Sheena! Look!

[VOLT appears and just hovers there.]

RAINE: . . . He says that he will make a pact with you, for some reason.

SHEENA: Is it because he was moved by Corrine's death?

RAINE: I don't know. I didn't catch his reason.

SHEENA: You . . . aren't going to let me earn my victory?

VOLT: . . . . .

RAINE: Oh! Wait! I caught it now! He says that he will give you a fair chance to fight instead of going on a rampage that killed a quarter of Mizuho's population!

SHEENA: He could've done that in the first place! Let's go! If I win, as payback for Corrine's death and the people who died so long ago just because they couldn't understand a DAMN thing you said, you'll be my personal battery and nothing more!

VOLT: [approaches]

SHEENA: [throws a purple ball] Master Ball! Go!

[VOLT gets caught in the Master Ball.]

SHEENA: Oh yeah! How does it feel to be cheated for no apparent reason now! Huh? HUH?

[A long pause goes by as SHEENA stares at the Master Ball in silence.]

SHEENA: You know what, that was anti-climatic. I'm never using a Master Ball in any Pokémon version ever again.

**Act 6**

**Scene 19**

[Inside the Renegades' Tethe'alla Base.]

RAINE: Let's steal the rheairds before Yuan notices us.

SHEENA: Sneak, sneak, sneak . . .

YUAN: [appears out of nowhere] You flunked ninja school, didn't you?

SHEENA: I had Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke for classmates who would have been rejected in any proper ninja school! What do you think happened to my ninja education?

YUAN: Where is Lloyd?

GENIS: He's visiting an old friend.

BOTTA: Oh, really? Who is this friend?

GENIS: Someone very famous. Something . . . Jack. Something Jack. Don't really remember his name. Could you help me in this?

YUAN: Don't do it, Botta! It's a trick!

BOTTA: It's just guessing a name. How harmful could it be? [turns to GENIS] Something Jack . . .

GENIS: This Jack has "candle" for a title.

BOTTA: For a title? So his name is Candleja—

YUAN: Damn it, Botta! I warned him!

REGAL: Give it up, Yuan. Lloyd is no longer with us and you have no reason to interfere since obtaining the rheairds is a plot requirement.

YUAN: [sighs] Very well. [pulls out a handheld planner] But I still need to capture Lloyd. Can we schedule a good time for an attack after you recover him?

REGAL: Yes. I'm positive that once this whole Colette-getting-kidnapped fiasco is out of the way, we will have Lloyd back.

YUAN: I see. And that will be . . . assuming that will happen at . . . which leaves me at . . . Oh, it looks like I'm completely booked with sabotaging the Desians, undermining Cruxis, and working with the traitor in your group.

ZELOS: Hey! Ix nay on the raitor tay!

REGAL: How disappointing. I was certain that you could squeeze in at least one minor attempt.

YUAN: I'm sorry but that's life for you. We will have to settle with skipping to the shaky alliance we will build by the time you return to Sylvarant.

REGAL: Hmmmm . . . At least that will cut on the number of casualties between our groups.

YUAN: I suppose that is the silver lining of this situation. Well, take the rheairds with no struggle as compensation.

REGAL: I appreciate the offer, Yuan. I will take it. Farewell.

YUAN: Farewell. I will see you in Sylvarant.

**Act 6**

**Scene 20**

[End of flashback]

LLOYD: So that's it? That's all I missed?

SHEENA: Yup.

LLOYD: I'm so sorry for what happened to Corrine, Sheena. I can't imagine how terrible it must've been for you.

SHEENA: Don't worry too much about me. I'll only show that I'm hurting inside whenever Corrine is mentioned, which will be very few times since this game is plot-driven and is short on characterization.

LLOYD: Where are we going now?

RAINE: To the Temple of Earth. Gnome is the closest Summon Spirit around. We landed too close to his temple for any gamer not to notice. The programmers basically shout at us to form a pact with Gnome first.

LLOYD: So let's go! I'm never saying that Jack guy's name ever again!

GENIS: By the way, did you see Botta at that Jack's place while you were there?

LLOYD: Yeah? Why?

GENIS: Oh, no reason.

**Act 6**

**Scene 23**

[Inside the Temple of Earth.]

GNOMELETTTE #1: You smell like ass!

LLOYD: Real mature.

GNOMELETTE #2: I want something spicy! Give it to me or I'll kick your ass!

LLOYD: [hands him a slip of paper] Here's the recipe. You can make it any time without anyone's help now.

GNOMELETTE #3: I'm a raciest bigot and discriminate against every ethnicity different from mine!

LLOYD: Your trolling attempt fails since people in this world define race in a very different way than people on Earth do and therefore only comes across as meaningless babbling. You're a failed troll.

GNOMELETTE #4: I'm describing very obscene things about rape and murder!

LLOYD: You are no bigger than my foot and can never come across as threatening even if you did attack me. Your words carry no weight so you might as well not even try.

GNOMELETTE #5: Your mother!

[A pause goes by as LLOYD stares at GNOMELETTE #5.]

LLOYD: Yeah, goodbye. [kicks GNOMELETTE #5 down a bottomless pit]

GNOMELETTE #5: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH . . . !

**Act 6**

**Scene 26**

GNOME: Wanna fight to make a pact?

SHEENA: You're on!

[The entire group gathers around to fight.]

GNOME: On second thought, I'll just give you the pact.

SHEENA: What? Why?

GNOME: I figure that switching summoners is less painful than getting beaten up by an entire gang so I'll go for something easier. Bye!

[GNOME disappears.]

SHEENA: Hmph! He could have at least asked to make this a one-on-one battle . . .

* * *

Meh. I'm very out of the swing of things.

Please review.


	315. Tales of Symphonia in a Nutshell Part 7

This one's rather short since the next few things are rather long connected topics.

Let's see if this one's any better.**  
**

* * *

**Act 7**

**Scene 2**

[Flanoir]

ZELOS: I hate the snowfall. Memories of red haunt me. Such cruel cold red snow.

SHEENA: Good try at a haiku but not quite.

LLOYD: Let's just focus on getting to the Temple of Ice without freezing.

TRENCH COAT MAN: Hey, buddy, I'll cut ya a sweet deal if ya do a guy a favor.

LLOYD: What kind of favor?

TRENCH COAT MAN: The money making kind.

LLOYD: . . . I'm listening.

COLETTE: Lloyd! You're dealing with the black market? I'm very disappoint!

LLOYD: So what do you need and how much am I going to get paid for it?

TRENCH COAT MAN: Ya see, I need something called Celcius' Tear. It's a flower that grows in the Temple of Ice. If ya get it for me then I'll pay you five grand.

LLOYD: Deal!

ZELOS: Trench Coat Man scams fools. The five grand is a fat lie. Lloyd is a dumbass.

SHEENA: Keep trying. You'll get there one day.

**Act 7**

**Scene 9**

[Temple of Ice]

GENIS: Look! There's the Celsius' Tear!

OFF-SET VOICE: Not so fast!

[An ice fairy appears between the group and the flower.]

CIRNO: You have to get through me first!

SHEENA: This is Tales of Symphonia! You don't belong in this game, idiot!

CIRNO: The one calling me an idiot is the idiot!

GENIS: Let's just burn her to a crisp. We don't have time for this.

CIRNO: Hmph! I'll have you know that I AM THE STRONGEST!

SHEENA: Sure you are. Now go back to Gensokyo.

CIRNO: Give back Sakuya's breast pads and we'll get somewhere.

ZELOS: What? Sheena? Are . . . Are your breasts really fake? No . . . It can't be . . . That's impossible!

[SHEENA knifes CIRNO who explodes upon impact into squares of red and blue blocks and one purple block. SHEENA faces ZELOS.]

SHEENA: You honestly believe these babies are fake? You groped them so many times that you should know better by now! [spots the purple block] Oh yay! An extra life!

LLOYD: [plucks the flower] Now we have Celsius' Tear! Wait for me, five grand! We'll be rich together!

RAINE: Lloyd, you are clearly the paragon of charity. I am very impressed.

LLOYD: Really, Professor? Thanks!

PRESEA: That was not a compliment, Lloyd.

SHEENA: Let's just make the pact and leave before my extra life is spent.

**Act 7**

**Scene 10**

[CELSIUS appears at the altar.]

CELSIUS: Like, hello! It's so nice to see you! My last summoner, Mithos, was like so lame! He kept me locked up in this stale place like some piece of jewelry! Can you believe that?

ZELOS: I most certainly can't imagine why he would, talking smooth bare legs.

SHEENA: What's the test for this seal? Are you going to fight me?

CELSIUS: Fight you? Of course not! I could break a nail or ruin my hair! No, you just have to give me an interesting conversation and I'll make the pact!

REGAL: The test for this seal is to provide you with stimulating conversation?

CELSIUS: That's right! It's going to be mainly one-sided though. Oh, and be nice. If any of you gets an attitude and leave the room like a companion of Mithos', I think his name was Yuan, I'll like totally not make the pact. Plus, you have to stay awake. That Kratos guy that was with Mithos slept through the entire conversation! He was so rude! Gosh!

SHEENA: Ah, okay. We'll listen to you.

[One week later.]

CELSIUS: And that's why Efreet sucks and I don't! Well, I guess that's all I have to say. We'll make the pact!

SHEENA: About time . . .

CELSIUS: I give my power to you, pact-maker Sheena! Take good care of it! [disappears]

SHEENA: [turns away] Okay, guys. Time to go. I know that was horrible to go through but it's over now and we need to put it behind us.

ZELOS: Great . . . Let's go . . . Now . . . My ears can't take anymore . . .

GENIS: I'm surprised that Lloyd didn't fall asleep and ruin it for us.

COLETTE: That's right! Lloyd stood there the entire time and paid attention to her! It was wonderful!

RAINE: For once, Lloyd, I am very proud of you. Good job.

LLOYD: [stays silent]

RAINE: . . . Lloyd?

LLOYD: [snore]

GENIS: Go figure . . .

**Act 7**

**Scene 11**

[Lightning strikes Ozette.]

PRESEA: Oh no. My home town. We need to go save it.

LLOYD: Can we go sell this Celsius' Tear first?

[everyone glares at LLOYD]

LLOYD: Just a vague suggestion . . . Didn't mean anything by it . . .

[Scene changes to burning ruins of Ozette.]

COLETTE: No! We're too late!

REGAL: This is just horrible!

GENIS: How could Cruxis do this?

ZELOS: I don't know, maybe because they're a bunch of douches?

PRESEA: My home. It's destroyed.

RAINE: [brings a young blond boy] I found a survivor.

LLOYD: What's your name?

MITHOS: My name is Mithos. I don't look like Yggdrasill at all. I know a lot of people tell me that but I don't.

RAINE: Do you have any family, Mithos?

MITHOS: My sister Martel, but she's dead. I have no family.

GENIS: Come with us, Mithos! Be our friend so the two of us can have fun times together and moments suggesting a possible official gay pairing!

MITHOS: Will that help me with my mission of infiltrating your group, spying on all of you, and destroying you in the end?

GENIS: Of course!

MITHOS: Then let's hold hands on the way to our next destination, friend of friends.

GENIS: Super!

PRESEA: It is about time Genis got a crush on someone who might actually return his feelings.

**Act 7**

**Scene 19**

GENIS: Raine disappeared! Raine disappeared! Raine disappeared!

ZELOS: I got the rheairds out so we should get to her pretty soon.

GENIS: But we don't know where she went!

MITHOS: Raine left a note saying that she went to investigate the Otherworldly Gate and would be back after two days.

GENIS: She could starve by then! Or die from dehydration! Or get eaten by a monster! Or . . .

SHEENA: Actually, I think she'll be fine. We're just going after her so the group stays together.

REGAL: Genis, your sister is a very independent young woman. I'm certain that she can take care of herself.

PRESEA: Please calm down, Genis.

GENIS: None of you understand! She could seriously be in trouble! This is an emergency!

COLETTE: But Professor Raine can take care of herself. She was one of the people who went with me at the very beginning of the journey.

GENIS: What if she poisons herself from her bad cooking?

COLETTE: Good point. Let's go.

[Rheairds fly off.]

COLETTE: I feel like we're forgetting something. Something very important.

GENIS: Yeah, I know what you mean. It's really weird.

REGAL: Did we remember to pack our supplies?

COLETTE: I took care of that.

REGAL: Medicine?

ZELOS: I vouch for those.

REGAL: Armor and weapons?

PRESEA: All except Raine's have been stored in the wing pack.

REGAL: Personal belongings?

MITHOS: Everyone is all set, and even if we forgot something valuable we could always go back after we returned with Raine.

REGAL: I know we took Noishe along with us in the distortion of space and time he stays in while we travel around. We forgot nothing.

COLETTE: No, it's not that . . . I think we forgot . . . Oh, shit! We forgot Lloyd! He's still sleeping in bed!

ZELOS: Goddess damn it! Of all times for this to happen!

GENIS: We have to go back and get him!

MITHOS: Why? Can't we leave him there and come back once we have Raine? Lloyd may be safer back there than with us. After all, it's not like I could send my angel henchmen over to kill him while he sleeps.

GENIS: The thing is that if we leave him then all our lame jokes will be about Zelos! Think of how horrible it'll be to have stale Zelos joke after stale Zelos joke!

ZELOS: Not to mention, my pride as a human being will be at stake if I'm continuously the butt of the joke.

SHEENA: Guys, relax. I took care of Lloyd. I couldn't wake him up while we were running out the door so I stuffed him in the wing pack.

PRESEA: With the weapons? Wouldn't that kill Lloyd?

SHEENA: Eh, he'll be fine. He's the main character, after all.

GENIS: Oh. Then let's keep going.

* * *

The red, blue, and purple blocks in the TouHou reference are part of the game mechanics of the TouHou games. When you defeated an enemy, they drop or explode into red blocks (power-increasing points), blue blocks (points that increase overall score), green blocks (increases the number of times a special attack can be used by one), and purple blocks (extra life).


	316. Tales of Symphonia in a Nutshell Part 8

Yeah, I know. It's been a while. Still not through recapping the game.

* * *

**Act 8**

**Scene 6**

[flying in the air]

GENIS: Altamira was great to visit. Too bad we didn't find Raine.

COLETTE: We did see Presea's sister! Now we have additional plot!

GENIS: Colette! Don't say anything about Alicia around Regal! We're not supposed to say anything around him even though we have no reason to keep that kind of information from him and know nothing about his connection to Presea!

COLETTE: Oh, right, I'm sorry.

REGAL: What did you say?

GENIS: Nothing, Regal! We didn't talk about Alicia!

REGAL: Very well. As long you aren't hiding any information that could help me move on with my life and find closure with my deceased lover's death and my part in her death.

GENIS: Yeah! Exactly!

REGAL: Because if you were, I would have to seek vengeance upon your miserable souls, using methods that break every single human rights law ever created.

GENIS: What? Y-you wouldn't!

REGAL: Or would I? I am a murderer, after all.

GENIS: [gulps]

REGAL: [to himself] It won't be long before he cracks under the pressure and finally confesses.

GENIS: W-what did you say, Regal?

REGAL: Oh, I was just plotting the long, painful demise of anyone who betrays me as a person. That's all.

GENIS: O-o-oh. I . . . I thought you said something about . . . about forgiveness, love, and peace! Yeah, peace and all that!

REGAL: Now, why would I do that to others who purposely prevent me from achieving my own personal peace? It makes no logical sense.

GENIS: [wets himself]

REGAL: [to himself] It won't be very long now. Bluffs are very nice, sometimes.

**Act 8**

**Scene 7**

[Otherworldly Gate]

GENIS: Raine! We finally found you! What were you doing here?

RAINE: I was going through a sequence of flashbacks that you mercifully avoided.

SHEENA: Phew! Least we dodged that flashback!

COLETTE: Too bad we won't have that kind of luck in the sequel.

SHEENA: What do you mean?

COLETTE: I mean that "Courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality."

SHEENA: What?

COLETTE: You'll see what I mean in two years.

ZELOS: Shouldn't we let Lloyd out of the wing pack by now?

[PRESEA opens the wing pack and dumps Lloyd out.]

COLETTE: No! Lloyd! He's dead!  
ZELOS: Oh man! His plot armor couldn't protect him from our weapons stabbing him over and over! Talk about bad luck!

REGAL: Now it comes full circle.

GENIS: Raine! Heal him before he's gone forever!

RAINE: But I must say something first. Genis, you and I are actually from Tethe'alla.

GENIS: What? That's impossible! Is it really true? I'm going to have an identity crisis now!

RAINE: Hey! Don't complain to me about having an identity crisis! I acted as your mother when I would rather be your sister! And don't even get me started on how difficult it is for a twelve-year-old to get the right kind of milk for an infant! You're lucky you didn't starve!

GENIS: But, but! Ugh! This is traumatizing!

PRESEA: Raine, please resurrect Lloyd's corpse before he starts decaying.

OFF SET VOICE: And soon all of you will join him!

[KUCHINAWA appears on set with two PAPAL KNIGHTS following him.]

KUCHINAWA: I will now avenge my parents despite all the logical flaws I have committed!

SHEENA: No! Kuchinawa! I didn't mean to do all that!

KUCHINAWA: No excuses!

GENIS: Well, actually, the one spouting excuses would be you, Kuchi—

KUCHINAWA: NO EXCUSES! DIE, SHEENA, DIE!

ZELOS: Oh, shut up, you pathetic Angst Sue! You think you can come here and act like this? Look at yourself! You're in that awkward place between random angst for a main character and a whiny emo! Come back when you can beat Sasuke Uchiha in an emo contest!

KUCHINAWA: [looks at himself] You're . . . right . . . I am pathetic. I will come back after I have proven myself to be the ultimate emo and defeated Uchiha Sasuke to an emo off! I will kill you, Sheena! Just you wait!

ZELOS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. As if you can pull that off when we have your brother to compare you to.

[KUCHINAWA and the PAPEL KNIGHTS leave.]

SHEENA: Zelos . . . I . . .

ZELOS: Romantic kiss later, leaving before Kuchinawa returns after getting his ass handed to him by Sasuke now.

[The main characters run off stage into a purple light and the backdrop changes to a field. The main characters run back on stage.]

COLETTE: Sheena! How could you sacrifice yourself when the moral of our story is to never sacrifice yourself if there are alternatives!

SHEENA: I'm sorry, everyone . . . I still feel guilty for what happened to Kuchinawa's parents . . .

GENIS: Um . . . Shouldn't Lloyd be saying something right now? We're missing our daily dose of inspirational speech from him.

REGAL: Lloyd is still dead.

RAINE: [turns to LLOYD's corpse] Resurrection!

LLOYD: [gets up] Braiiinnsss . . .

RAINE: I think our plot armor made me a bit rusty on this spell from lack of practice . . .

ZELOS: You can kiss me now, Sheena~

PRESEA: Zelos, you're a horrible person for suggesting that. And someone gag Lloyd—he's chewing on Genis' head.

**Act 8**

**Scene 14**

[Ruins of the PALMACOSTA RANCH]

LLOYD: Yuan!

YUAN: Let's skip the formalities and cut to the chase. I'm due for a one-on-one meeting with Yggdrasill and there's a raid on Rodyle's ranch coming up and I need to squeeze in an alliance with you.

LLOYD: Right, I get it. Besides, that whole conflict with you was getting tiring since we have the same goal now. We can compound your schedule by having us infiltrate Rodyle's ranch with Botta while you have a meeting with Yggdrasill. During the infiltration, we will make lame Bioshock and Little Sister jokes for cheap humor and mock Rodyle into submission until he kills himself via mana imbalance from underdeveloped Cruxis Crystal.

YUAN: Wait, when did you get a brain?

LLOYD: I got a brain when I ate Genis' while I was a zombie.

GENIS: [drools] Duuuurrrr . . .

LLOYD: Anyway, now that I'm super smart, let's get this over with.

BOTTA: I'll lead you to the—

LLOYD: Ranch which is just off of Palmacosta's shore. I saw it on the map.

RAINE: Not really necessary since we will just get there during the cut scene. Watch.

[When they arrive at the OFF SHORE HUMAN RANCH . . .]

RAINE: See? What did I tell you?

ZELOS: "Oh, goddess, Zelos, fuck me harder"?

RAINE: Only in you dreams.

PRESEA: Let's go in so I can accomplish bloody murder.

**Act 8**

**Scene 18**

[The entire group enters RODYLE's private chambers.]

COLETTE: And this is where he held me captive!

ZELOS: I have never seen so many sex toys in my entire life.

RAINE: [holds up a large plastic object] Is this . . . Is this really a blow-up doll of Kratos?

BOTTA: Yes it is. I heard one of Pronyma's blow-up dolls got stolen but I never knew Rodyle was the one who took it.

RAINE: [drops the doll] I feel dirty after just touching it . . .

ZELOS: Give it to me. That's good for scarring Kratos' fragile mental state.

LLOYD: That's scarring to me, too! That blow-up doll proves that Rodyle is into some of Kratos' features!

RAINE: What does that have to do with you?

LLOYD: You know exactly what that has to do with me! I _do_ bear a resemblance to my _biological father_, after all! I don't want Rodyle checking me out! Zelos is one thing since we seem to have some sort of bond—

ZELOS: And I'm pretty.

LLOYD: Definitely that, too.

COLETTE: I thought you're into me!

SHEENA: And me!

ZELOS: Sheena, Colette, understand that you can love more than one person—sometimes at the same time.

SHEENA: . . . I need to visit my cousin Light Yagami.

COLETTE: So not only is Lloyd unusually smart, but he's also gay? Is this what Genis is going to be like later in life if he ever recovers from lack of brain?

PRESEA: Speaking of Genis, how is he?

REGAL: Well . . .

GENIS: Duuurrrrr . . .

REGAL: That.

[RODYLE appears out of nowhere.]

RODYLE: Ah! You just saw my Secret Room of Love!

COLETTE: It's more like your Secret Room of Masturbating. If you get anyone in here, it's usually through kidnapping.

RODYLE: Shut up and die!

LLOYD: Genis, we need your spells!

GENIS: DUUUURRRRR!

LLOYD: Oh, come on!

[PRESEA charges forward and holds RODYLE down.]

PRESEA: Look me in the eye. You took away more than a decade of my life, trying to create a Cruxis Crystal inside of my body. I don't know what else you have done to me during all these years and thinking about it makes me sick to my very soul.

RODYLE: That's nice and all, but it looks like I'm about to one-up you! I just got a Cruxis Crystal from Pronyma and I'm about to use it! With that power, I will tear each and every one of you limb from limb. It will be incredible! Fantastic! Marvelo—wait, I'm not done! NOOOO—

PRESEA: [chops into his heart] You were stupid to tell me what you were about to do.

COLETTE: [looks to the side and gets distracted] Ooooo! What's this shiny button?

BOTTA: Don't touch it.

COLETTE: But it's so big!

ZELOS: That's what _you_ said last night!

COLETTE: And red! [presses it]

ZELOS: That's what you said, too!

[Alarms go off]

BOTTA: You idiot! Now I have to deactivate the self-destruct sequence that will cost me my life!

LLOYD: Is there anything you want me to tell Yuan?

BOTTA: Tell Yuan I love him and that last night was the best night of my life!

LLOYD: I'll tell him, Botta! Don't worry, I'll tell him!

BOTTA: Take care of my waifu!

LLOYD: I will! Let's go, guys!

[Everyone escapes.]

COLETTE: This is such a rush!

ZELOS: Oh goddess, you make this too easy!

**Act 8**

**Scene 26**

[At RENEGADE BASE]

YUAN: . . . So it's true.

LLOYD: Yeah. I'm so sorry, Yuan.

YUAN: I'll live. It'll be better if I move on and preserve Botta in my memory, just as I had for Martel.

LLOYD: By the way, I need you to do some surgery on me and Genis. I need you to make a brain transfer from me to him.

YUAN: A . . . what? You do realize that you will lose your brain.

LLOYD: I can live without it. Genis, though . . . [gently pushes GENIS, who falls down on the floor] Yeah, he can't even function.

RAINE: I'm surprised, Lloyd. This is almost . . . generous of you.

LLOYD: This is just a one-time thing. Besides, I don't want to carry a hunk of flesh around.

YUAN: Very well. [hands LLOYD a stack of paper work]

LLOYD: What's this shit?

YUAN: Papers you need to sign for health insurance.

LLOYD: Can't you just—

YUAN: No, we can't. That only works for Pokémon.

LLOYD: Damn it. The one time I do something for someone else . . .


End file.
